My Life With Zelda
***
Today is a big day.
I know what you're thinking, and no, it's not my birthday. You can give me presents though.
No, wait. Maybe it is my birthday.
No, wait. It's not.
UnLESS...
Nope, it's not.
But it is a holiday. You just won't find it on any "traditional" calenders. Lousy conformists. I DON'T DO THE MAN'S DIRTY WORK NO MO!
I make up my own holidays. It's fun. Today is Peanut Butter Clothing day. I dressed in peanut butter. It's also the Annual Kokiri Track Meet in the Lost Woods.
But that's not why today is a big day.
Don't get me wrong, I mean, peanut butter is very important. Before peanut butter was invented, all was darkness, strife, bitterness, destruction, ruin and hate. After peanut butter, all is love, happiness, prosperity, goodness, grace, and euphoria. Mostly. If it wasn't for peanut butter, I'd have starved ages ago.
But today there is something even more important than peanut butter.
Today Zelda and I are going to a fancy spa in Death Mountain. It's called, "The Spa of Death."
It's gonna be cool.
Zelda invited me. She's so rich she can do whatever she wants. She said maybe my problem is that I have too much tension and it's causing me to be, quote, unquote, "a total retard."
"I've tried everything else," she said.
Hmm. Better put on something other than peanut butter.
***
She's here!
There's this wicked-awesome carriage outside. Wicked-awesome! Wait...I'm afraid that you fail to fully comprehend the depth, the scale, the very magnitude of the wicked-awesomeness of this carrage. It is...ummm...it is...
Wicked-awesome!
I get in. She's in a bathing suit.
Better avoid staring at her eyebrows too much.
"Hi Link, ready for your destupidifying?"
"Umm...yes?"
"Good. We're off!"
This coach is bumpy. Her eyebrows are jiggling.
Damn.
Zelda's cool, 'cause she has servants. They're driving this carriage right now.
I had servants once. I got this squrrel, and put a leash on it, and tied it to a pole, and told it to do my chores.
Only, it didn't. It just ran around in circles making these weird noises that sounded like it was trying to cough up a hairball the size of a pool table. It also had this foam coming out of its mouth. And its hair was falling out. Zelda said it was "rabid." But it wasn't a rabid. It was a squrrel. I mean, they look kinda similar, but still, they're different. Rabids have big ears. And they're pronounced, "raBIT." Not "raBID." But Zelda's super-smart, so I forgive her.
The squrrel bit me. Then I felt kinda weird and fell down and sort of took a nap. When I woke up I wanted to kill things. I can't recall why. Also white foamy stuff was gushing out of my mouth. Maybe I fell asleep shaving or something.
I grew a beard this one time. It felt pretty cool to stroke, but little children would scream when the saw me, so I shaved it off and grew a handlebar mustache. It was hella cool. I walked around with a cane and a top hat.
Anyway, after I tried to strangle Saria to death Zelda came and hit me with a frying pan. When I woke up they jabbed me with a bunch of needles. It hurt.
So I'm off of servants for awhile.
Hmm. Zelda's servants don't look like squrrels. Especially not rabid ones.
Maybe THAT'S her secret.
***
Boy, Death Mountain is far away. This is taking forever. Hope this bumping doesn't make me infertile or something.
I'm hungry. I licked off my peanut butter clothing, but I'm still hungry.
"Zelda, did you pack a lunch?"
"Umm...no, Link, why would I?"
"Cuz I'm hungry! Can we stop?"
"Link, what are you..."
"I WANNA STOP! THERE! PULL IN TO THE DRIVE-THRU!"
"Oh, whatever."
Yay! We're going to McHarnikin's!
Now what do I want. McHarnuggets, Harny Supreme, Big Harn, McHarnikin's Mission Statement, Open Late, No Personal Checks? So much to choose from!
OOOOH! I want the Harny Meal! It comes with a Finding Nemo toy! WOOOOOT!
We're pulling up to the little speaker box.
"AAGAHAHNBNBABBBAHABBB?"
What? What is that guy doing, talking through Peter Frampton's guitar processer?
"Umm...I'd like a Junior Harny Burger with Cheese Harny Meal, please."
"BBBABBHFAHFHAFATWWWHHGFFFFFGFH?"
He sounds like the voice of Satan.
"Why yes, I WOULD like fries with that."
"BHAGGGGRRGAGGARGFFAFFFG."
"Can you make the toy the one where Nemo shoots water out of his mouth? Thanks."
"KSPPSSSSSSSSSSSSCHHHHHHHHAEEGGGERGRGGHHDFD."
"Okay."
I hope they get my order right. I mean, a wind-up Nemo? Lame! I want the one that shoots water at people!
One time, I had this wicked-awesome water fight with Zelda. Except it was sort of one-sided, becuase I just snuck into her room with the hose while she was reading in her nightgown and sprayed her with it.
It did weird things to the region between her shoulders and her stomach. Weird and confusing things. It caused in me an odd mix of befuddlement and arousal. Then she hit me with things, so I couldn't look at it further.
Anyway, Zelda's giving me that look again.
"I suppose I'll be paying for this again, right?"
"No! Of course not! I have Rupees!"
I think.
Okay, we're at the window.
"That comes to 499 Rupees, sir."
Wow! They called me 'sir' without adding, 'please come with me,' or, 'please don't touch that'!
Lets see. I have a Green Rupee, a Green Rupee...a Green Rupee...well, better pay.
"Okay...one, two, three..."
***
"498..." OMIGOSH! I'M OUT OF RUPEES!
"Umm...Zelda...?"
She's asleep. Better not wake her.
"Uhhh...One moment..."
Okay. I'm gonna have to pick Zelda's pocket. She won't mind, right?
Reeeeeeaching...let's see...maybe in here...*squeeze*...nope...hmm...*grope*...nuh uh. Maybe back here...*fondle*...nothing...
Oh, she woke up.
"Zelda, I...umm..."
*SMACK!*
OOOOOOOW! Geez, sorry! It's just one Rupee!
Oh wait! There was another Rupee here all along. Heh. Funny how the world works.
"Okay! I have my money! Here!" I give the casheer a giant sack full of green Rupees.
"Pull over to the second window..."
YAY! I'm gonna get my Harny Burger! AND MY SQUIRTING NEMO! WOOT!
Zelda is looking at me again.
***
Wow! The box has a maze on it! AND a word find! I'M IN SEVENTH HEAVEN! IT'S GROIN-GRABBINGLY GOOD!
Let's see. The burger has...RELISH ON IT??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I HATE RELISH!
"ZELLLLLLLDAAAAA! IT HAS RELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLISH ON IIIIIIIIIT!!!"
"So? What's your problem?"
"I DUN LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE RELISH!!"
"Sigh. Let me just scrape it off for you."
"Okay..."
She scrapes off the relish and...EATS IT! I'm amazed! But...THERE'S STILL LITTLE PIECES ON IT!
"There's still little pieces on it!!!"
"Link, they're microscopic. Just eat it."
"I DON'T WANT ITTTTTT!"
"Oh for the love of..."
The love of me? COOL! She's aroused by my childish intolerance! Time to make my move.
"On second thought, I like relish...let me get it out of your mouth for you."
Wow. I'm clever.
"Umm, actually I don't think this is a good time for mmmmmmmmmummmph!"
Kissy kissy.
***
Well.
That was fun.
But we're at the spa. Better put my pants back on.
Hmm. The Spa of Death. Strangely ominous.
Oh well.
So, I'm signed up for the Total Package. Massage, foot rub, mud bath...MUD BATH???
WHAT?
Okay, so spas are supposed to make you clean and healthy. So they dump you in mud?
Well...how bad can it be?
Time to go. I kiss Zelda goodbye, in case I die in the mud and never see her again.
There's a friendly-looking Goron to escort me.
"All right Link, right this way." She's speaking reeeeeeally softly. I suppose that it's to help me relax.
"What was that?"
"Just follow me." Speak up! I can't hear you!
"What are you saying?"
"In here."
"I CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAYING! SPEAK LOUDER!"
Huh. I'm feeling more stressed than when I came in.
***
Okay. She said to undress as much as I'd feel comfortable doing.
If I was going to do that, I would actually put more clothes _on._ But I don't think that's what she was getting at.
So I strip and wrap a towel around myself.
Hmmmm. New age music to listen to. Which one?
"Total Soul." "Complete Soul." "Absolutely, Positively Soul." "Sounds of Nature." "Ocean Waves." "Breakers." "Typhoons." "The Compunctions of Spirit." "Music to Drowze Off To." "One Extremely Long Note." "Thin Irritating Wavering Keyboard with Odd Chanting Voices In Background That Are Loud Enough To Be Heard But Annoyingly Soft." "Raindrops." "Snowflakes." "Golf-ball Sized Hailstones."
Umm. Maybe if I close my eyes and just touch one at random.
Ah. The thin wavering keyboard one. Sounds good.
Now what?
"Please lie down," says the Goron.
On THAT?
There's this little bed. There's a circular hoop where you put your face. It looks like a toilet seat.
I'm not lying on that! It looks like a torture device!
Oh what the hell. The Goron knows what she's doing, I guess.
I feel really weird looking through this little hole. I feel like I _am_ the bed. Like I can't move. Like I'm trapped in a wall with my face sticking out. I feel like the guy who was lowered into the lava inside the metal cage deeley in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom."
Like, at any moment there will be little hand straps that clamp shut, trapping me, and then a wicked-awesome lazer beam would come out of the ceiling, and start shooting up, up, towards my crotch, and an evil guy with an evil cat would come out and laugh maniacally? Like in that one James Bond movie? With Sean Connery? The guy who was the dragon in Dragonheart? He's cool! I want to be like him! Because he's a loud craggy Scottsman who doesn't play by the rules!
I love cheese. I roll up an American Single into a tube to make a cheese crack pipe to snort up little pieces of shreadded cheddar, then I eat the Single.
I go off on a lot of odd tangents. Zelda says they're "non-sequeters." What in the name of all things sacred is a sequeter? Is it something I should be doing? Is it painful? Can an anistetic be delivered?
Anistetics are sooooo cool! Like this one time, I fell off a bridge in the Lost Woods, and I broke my leg, and I was like "AAAAH YOU GODDAMN SONS OF BITCHES MY MOTHERFUCKING TIBIA I'LL SEE YOU ALL IN HELL!!!" And then they took me to the hospital and I got to have this anistetic administered and it didn't hurt anymore and I could like, poke the bone sticking out of my shin and stuff and it wouldn't hurt at all but then the doctor sorta rolled his eyes and said that they needed an anisthesiologist really fast and then I kinda passed out.
Pure oxygen is wicked-awesome too. I mean this other time I was choking on a hot dog and started turning all red and then kinda passed out again and then they came and revived me and I got to inhale this pure oxygen and it was like the sweetist shiznit ever and I should sell it in cans as a refreshing beverage.
But I still hate fish with lawyers.
No time to elaborate! The music is starting. It sounds very strange. Who are those voices in the background? What are they saying? Is it about me? WHAT?
I don't hear the Goron. Where did she go?
GGGGAAAAAAAAAH! WHAT WAS THAT?
She just came in and touched my back! Holy Shiite! She moves so silently! My heart...start beating again...there we go.
Oooooooooookay.
You are touching my shoulders. Yep. Those are indeed my shoulders.
You are continuing to touch my shoulders. Are you sure you know what you're doing? Who are you anyway? I can't see you, all I can see is this little patch of floor. For all I know you're a hideous sex fiend come to crush my delicate sensitivities...or...A FISH WITH A LAWYER!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
But I can't say anything. That would sound silly. So I'll just wait.
I'm just lying here, staring at the floor. There really isn't that much to look at on the floor.
Okay. You are now touching my back. That is definitely my back. You are kneading my spine there. Ow. Ow. Ow. Please stop. That is my back. You are wrenching my shoulderblades. Please desist. Those are my shoulders, and I'll thank you to leave them be. You know, your hands are not exactally what one would describe as the hands of a good masseuse. They are more the kind of hands one would find on a grizzled coal miner. Or a rock. With hands.
Maybe Gorons shouldn't go into the massage buisness. The mechanics of it elude me.
Of course, everything eludes me.
Wish I had a magazine.
Whoa there. That would qualify as my lower back. Yes. Lower. It is in dangerous proximity to my buttocks. Please hurry up. How much time did I pay for?
But of course I can't say anything.
My face is sticking to the little hole. I'm wondering if there's some kind of glue on the hole so that they can keep me captive. Actually I guess it's the nervous sweat all over my face.
Oh my. That is my thigh. My inner thigh. You are rubbing my inner thigh. Be careful back there. Where are you going? What is that?
Well. Now you are touching my calves. I see. You are definitely touching me. Yes indeed. Yes indeedelydoodelydiddlydaddelydingdangdongdoodleIGOTTAGETOUTTAHERE!
Calm down. Take it easy. Just a massage. Okay. Only...forty-seven minutes to go.
***
OH THANK GOD. She just quietly left the room. (At least I THINK it was her. It might have been the...gasp...fish with lawyers...)
Ooooookay. Gotta get through this. I gotta get through this. HEY! That's a song! By some crappy band that I don't feel like thinking of the name...of.
Think I'll run a few laps to work off the tension.
Run run run. Running in the nude. Run. Run.
Ya know when you say something so many times it looses all meaning? That just happened. With "Run."
Wait. So, "Run" has no meaning. So then, the opposite of "run" is "walk," right? So "walk" has no meaning. So what does have meaning...? Nothing.
I've become unmoored from reality forever.
Oh, wait. No I haven't.
My genitals are flopping wildly. It's not pretty.
Better put the towel back on.
"Sir?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHAT?"
I've just jumped about five vertical feet.
"You...can...follow me for your mud bath now..."
Okay. Must get back to table without exposing Goron lady to illimitable horrors.
Walking...backward...almost there...
GAH! BAR OF SOAP!
OW! SONOFABITCH!
Umm...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! MY NAKED FRAILTIES HAVE BEEN UNMASKED!
TO A GORON!
MUST GRAB TOWEL! Ahh. There. All better. Although I think I might have scarred the Goron person irrepairably.
"*shudder* Right...this...way..."
Okey-dokey.
***
Wow! There's this great big room! And it's great! And big! It's greatly big! Or maybe it's bigly great. No matter!
LOOK! There she is!
Oh thank GOD.
"ZEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
I charge madly towards her. It's like one of those things where the two lovers are running toward each other in a big field, and the music is going dadadadadadadaDA DA, DA DA DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAA...
Except we're in a large, foul-smelling cave. And I'm doing the running. And the music is that Goron theme song that goes like HAP-burra HAP-burra- burra, HAP-burra HAP-burra-burra, WOWM WOWM-WOWM, WAWAWAWAWOWM-WOWM, WOM WADDLEY-WADDLEY-WADDLEY-WEET-WEET WEET-WOWM, WOM WADDLEY-WADDLEY-WADDLEY- WEET-WEET WEET-WOWM. And I lost my towel again.
"LINK! WHAT THE F..."
*WHUMPH*
"OOOOOOOW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?"
I cling to her leg.
"I WANNA GO HOOOOOOOOOME! THIS PLACE IS SCARY AND THE GORONS ARE CREEPY AND THE MASSAGES HURT AND I'M NEKKID AND IT'S ALL SO TERRIBLY CONFUSING!"
"GET IN THE TUB!"
I look at the tub. It's large. It's carved in the rock. It's full of mud.
I can only describe the way it smells as "Strikingly similar to the smell of a large tub full of mud."
I'M NOT GETTING IN THAT!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"LINK! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A FOUR-YEAR-OLD ON METHAMPHETAMINES! GET...IN...THE...TUB!" Every word is punctuated with an attempt to shove me off her leg.
I ain't going nowhere.
"ARRRRRGGG!"
Zelda jumps into the tub.
OH MY GOD!
I'M IN THE MUD! THERE'S MUD ALL AROUND ME!
IT'S DARK! Oh, my eyes are closed.
Okay. I'll open them.
ARRRRRGGGHH! BAD IDEA! MUD IN MY EYES! OOOOOOOW! THIS MUD IS HEATED TO ABOUT A HUNDRED-FIFTY DIGREES!
WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING?
Wait. I need to breathe. Right?
Maybe not. Maybe I'm like those skeleton peeps in "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl." Not to be confused with "Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World." Or "Star Trek: Generations." Or "The Cat In The Hat II: The Armageddon." No wait, that one's only in my mind.
For now...
So anyway, why are there so many colons in movie titles? It just makes no sense. I guess they can't use something else. Like, "Pirates of the Caribbean%The Curse of the Black Pearl." Or "Master and Commander#@$!*)The Far Side of the World." That's just silly.
I guess they could use a semicolon, but that would only be half as cool. Maybe they could make the title twice as long to compensate, as in "PPiirraatteess ooff tthhee CCaarriibbbbeeaann; TThhee CCuurrssee ooff TThhee BBllaacckk PPeeaarrll." But then it wouldn't fit on the marquee.
Anyway. Breathing.
"GHASP!"
"Link! What in the hell is your problem?"
Uh oh. She sounds mad.
Better stop screwing up.
"Sorry, I was just freaked out by the scary Gorons and stuff."
"It's okay, I'm here now. Everything's safe."
Ahh. Safe.
I curl into the fetal position and sit in her warm lap.
Awww. So nice.
"Why do I love you so?"
So? My name's not "So!" It's...umm...wait, don't tell me...
Marlon Brando! No wait, Link!
Oh well. I guess I can't complain. Her lap's just so warm...
"I mean, you act like an infant, a retard, and a dangerous maniac intermittantly, but then...you just somehow make everything right in the end. How do you do it?"
I dunno...magic gnomes?
She kisses my forehead.
Wait. I just realized how akward this looks.
I'll just sit down.
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh.
No wait. Let me change the inflection.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
This mud is scalding.
I can't feel my feet.
But I get to look at Zelda's sexy eyebrows. So I guess it's okay.
I put my arm around her. Except I can't really get my arm out of the mud.
Let me try pulling on it.
Rrrrrg. RRRRG! STUCK...IN...MUD!
It's like fucking QUICKSAND!
Oh well.
One more try.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOW! I DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER! AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Oh. Ow. I popped it back into place.
Oh, there we go. Got my arm out.
*SCHHLLLUUURRRRRPPPP*
Whoa. That sounded weird.
So I finally put my mud-covered arm around her.
She's looking at me funny again. But then it melts into affection. Or pain.
Nope, affection.
"Oh Link...this is so romantic..."
Yeah....
Except, we're in a big vat of mud. But it's still pretty romantic.
She kinda snuggles next to me.
Awww. I love her.
But I hate this mud.
My legs feel like roasted pork loins.
Mmmm...pork loins...when it turns kinda pink in the middle, but grey on the outside, and it's perfectly tender...Awaarrrrrrrgggllleeee...drool...
Oh geez. I gotta fart.
How is THIS gonna work? This mud is about as viscous as molasses in a freezer. I once put my head in a bucket of molasses, and put it in a freezer, and lemme tell ya, it wasn't too viscous.
Maybe my fart will just sit there, preserved.
HEY! Maybe, archiologists in the future will unearth this fossilized mud, and find MY fossilized fart in it!
WOW! I GOTTA TRY IT!
Aaaaaaaah. Sweet relief.
Oh crap. Now I gotta pee.
I can't get out of this mud. I seriously doubt that it's even possible to get out of this mud. I'd need a forklift to get out of this mud.
I REALLY GOTTA PEE! But I can't do it in the mud! I mean, it's not like this is a swimming pool or something!
Zelda leans her head on my shoulder. Her hair is all covered with mud. It feels like a bunch of banana slugs.
You might not find that sexy. But I do.
Ahh. I guess I'll hold it.
But wait. What if my bladder explodes? That'll ruin the moment.
Wait. It's mud, right? And mud gets you dirty, right? So in this case, getting dirty is good for you, right? So if I pee in it, it'll get MORE dirty. So...it'll actually HELP. COOL! I USED LOGIC TO SOLVE A PROBLEM!
Well, there's a first time for everything I guess.
Aaaaaaaaaaah. Muuuuch better.
I give Zelda a big kiss. I get lots of mud in my mouth.
GAG! PHFFT! YUCK!
Well THAT was a turn-off.
I guess if I get put in a playgirl magazine or something I'd have to write, "Turn-Offs: Eating Mud."
And then, "Turn-Ons: Banana-slug-like Hair."
Ahhhhhh. I close my eyes and relax, in the arms of the one I love, being boiled alive in mud.
My body is covered with third-degree burns.
Mmmmmm. Ahhhhh. Owwwwch.
Only seventy-two minutes to go.
***
Time to get out.
Any thoughts on how?
Okay. I have one arm around Zelly, and one arm and two legs in the tub. Only, the arm around Zelly is sorta covered with congealed mud, and it's rather hard to move.
RGGGG! There. Dislodged it.
Now. I'll reach in and grab my other arm.
Okay. Got it.
Now. To...pull...them...out.
Can't be done.
Perhaps I should dip my head in, bite my legs, and pull them out.
Okay. Bad idea. Maybe I should...um...
Oh wait! A kind Goron is coming to save me! It's like a dolphin coming to save someone who's drowning! But probably not in mud.
No, wait. She's got these towels, and bottles, and...a cucumber.
Now, wait a minute.
I like cucumbers as much as the next guy, but...what does it have to do with ME?
Hm. She doesn't look like she's going to save me from the mud.
Maybe I should shout for help. But I guess it would be self-evident that I'm slowly drowning in mud.
Oh dear. She's not going to save me. She's going to inflict more relaxation on me.
She's wrapping my head in a towel. Then she's getting...A KNIFE! AAAAAAAAAH! WHAT IS THAT FOR?
OOOOOOHHHHH! Cutting the cucumber. I get it.
So. I'm guessing I'm getting a nice little between-meal snack or something?
She's putting the cucumber slices on my eyes.
Well. That solves my lack-of-cucumbers-on-eyes problem.
"Just sit back and relax."
Oh. Okay.
Now she's rubbing this icy-cold gunk over my face.
What in the blue fuck is THIS supposed to do?
This shit is so goddam COLD!
Dispite the fact my core temperature is currently hovering around 120 digrees, I'm shivering.
Why are we doing this again?
Whatever this is supposed to be doing, it had damn well better be doing it.
I can't see.
Oh that's right, my eyes are closed. Let me try opening them.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! CUCUMBER JUICE IN EYES! ITTTTTTTTTT BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRNS!
Bad idea. I'll add it to the list.
Is this happening to Zelda too? I hope not. She doesn't deserve this.
This must be some kind of initiation. Like a fraternity or something.
Yeah, that's it. Hazing the new guy. That's it. That's the ticket, lil' cricket.
Oh GOD! WHO'M I KIDDING? THIS IS WHAT I PAID FOR! WHHHHHHHHHHHHHY?!?!?!?
Once again, I can't see. Is Zelda nearby? Is anybody?
Let me try to feel for her.
Hmm. This feels sorta like...umm...can't tell...
Ah ha! That's something all right. Feels round...and squishy...and...nippley. That's funny, I could have sworn that's...
OH MY GOD! CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP!
"JESUS LINK WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING?"
"I...I...I...I..."
"IF YOU MUST GROPE ME CAN YOU WAIT UNTIL THE GORON ISN'T LOOKING?"
"I CAN'T TELL THAT THE GORON'S LOOKING! I GOT CUCUMBERS IN MY EYES!"
Great. Now it looks like I'm just a little hornball instead of a helpless blind dude.
Let me try again.
Hmm...that's...that's arm. I'm getting close.
"What on EARTH are you..."
Hey! There's face! There's nose, and mouth...I FOUND HER FACE! WOOT!
"GAAK! STOP THAT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
"Is that you, darling, sweetie, love of my life?"
"HELL YES, IT'S ME! STOP SMEARING MUD ON MY FACE!"
Oh right, the mud. CRAP!
Maybe...maybe if I sit really still, I can go to sleep.
Ahhhhh.
Falling...asleep...in...vat...of...mud...
ZzZZZzzzZZZZZzZZzZZzZZzZzZz...
***
Hmm. I just had the funniest dream. I was bowling with the head of Pikachu at a bunch of bowling pins shaped like blueberry muffins.
MUFFINS! MUFFINS ARE THE SHIITE!
Wait-a-minit. Why am I...
HOOOO-LEEE-CRAP! I'M DROWNING IN MUD!
MUST...REACH...SURFACE! GHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Gaspgaspgaspgaspgasp...
"Link...are you..."
Ready to get out? Ready to get out? GET OUT? GET OUT????
"...okay?"
Oh. Sure. I'm fine. Now can we GET OUT OF THIS DEATHHOLE?
"I'm good! All is well!"
"You went under for a moment and...I had to rescue you from your own idiocy...again..."
Oh. It was one of those moments again.
"Ya know Link, this isn't really working...let's go..."
GO? AS IN, LEAVE?
YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WOOOOOOO!
A Goron's coming over. She's...
HOLY CRAP! SHE'S GRABBING ME BY THE ARMS! AND TRYING TO PULL ME OUT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHGGGG GOOOOOD GAAAAAAAAAAAAWD NOOOOOOOOOOO! SHE'S GOING TO DISLOCATE MY ARMS!
SCHLOOORP!
Out I come. Only...I'm wearing...mud.
Zelda's getting out. Gracefully, beautifully. As opposed to painfully and incompetently.
"Let's go shower off..."
YES! Shower!
I've never showered with Zelda before.
Then again, I've hardly ever showered with MYSELF before.
Maybe I can shampoo her back! HOTNESS!
Or her EYEBROWS!
HOTTERNESS!
***
Lets see. Here I am in the shower stall. It's not exactally...private. It's about as private as a park bench.
Plus, I can't read Goron. I don't know what the knobs mean.
Let me try this one...
*Schwisssssssssss...*
Ahh. Not to bad. Not too...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH TOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! SCALDING MEEEEEEEEEE!
RUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!
Okay...I'm out of the evil clutches of the shower. Let me try and turn the water off.
Reaching...in...
OOOOOOOOW HOT!
Reaching...in...
OOOOOOOOOOW HOT!
Reaching...in...
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
DAMMIT! THIS ISN'T WORKING!
Okay.
WAIT! MY BRAIN JUST VOMITED UP AN IDEA!
Brain, where would I be without you?
*A few minutes later, Link has attached a shower slipper to a long stick and is poking the shower knobs with it*
IT WORKS! THE SHOWER TURNED OFF!
I'm a GENIUS! And all I had to do was run naked outside and find a stick.
Okay. I'll try the other one.
Ahhh. Nice and cool. Not painfully hot.
GGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!
COLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLD!
*HEEEP*-*HOOOOOP*-*HEEEEEEP*-*HOOOOOOOOP*
Heart...rate...falling...back...to...normal.
WHAT KIND OF RELAXING SPA IS THIS?!?
Uh oh. Major problem.
Looking down...
HOLY GODDESS!!! WHERE DID IT GO???
Holy shit. I can't let anyone see me like this. Hey, I have an image to maintain. I'm the Hero of Time, remember?
"Hey, Link, are you done yet?"
IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! It's Zelda!
WHERE IS MY TOWEL?
"DON'T COME IN!"
"What? What's the matter?"
THERE IT IS! BLESSED TOWEL!
Thank you for covering my loins.
I will never forget you.
Now. I need a distraction so I can go and put my clothes on, grab Zelda, and run.
Hmm.
"FFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE! RRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Peeeerrrrrfect.
"Link, what the crap."
Yes, WHAT the crap? I don't know either.
"Why are you screaming that there's a fire? What's supposed to be burning? Rocks?"
"Look, it doesn't matter. Just come over here for a moment."
There's a fire alarm over here.
I grab her hand and pull it for her.
I'm sure she she'd have done it without my help, but, ya know, it's romantic.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING! STOP!"
Too late.
"RUN ZELDA! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"
"NO! STOP!"
We run away. Hey! There's that bunch of rocks that goes to the Lost Woods!
Do I have a bomb in this towel?
Or am I just glad to see you?
I CRACK MYSELF UP!
Hey! Here's one of those bomb flower things!
Here we go.
"Hey Zelda! Check it out! I got a bomb!"
"HOLY CRAP PUT THAT DOWN!"
Where, here? Okay.
"JEZUZ CHRIST LINK LOOOOOOK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOUT!"
She seems upset. Hmm.
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
Ow.
Now I'm muddy, boiled alive, AND blown up.
Hey! The rocks are gone!
"COME ON! WE HAVE TO ESCAPE FROM THE SPA OF DEATH!"
"WHY? CAN'T WE AT LEAST GO AND GET OUR CLOTHES OR SOMETHING?"
"NO TIME FOR THAT!"
This way! To the Lost Woods!
We walk into the big black space.
And now we're here.
Hey! What's going on...
WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?
"Link, what are we...OH MY GOD!"
Hey! I remember where we are! It's the Kokiri Track Meet! I believe I mentioned that earlier!
Cool! Can I enter?
Hmmm. They all seem to be laughing at me.
Is there something funny?
OH! That's right. We're nude. And muddy.
Hmm. If I were more intelligent, I'd be embarrassed.
Zelda doesn't seem to be taking this well.
"LINK...GOING...TO...KILL...YOU..."
She's giving me that Look.
And THAT'S my spa trip with Zelda.
***
Today is a big day.
I know what you're thinking, and no, it's not my birthday. You can give me presents though.
No, wait. Maybe it is my birthday.
No, wait. It's not.
UnLESS...
Nope, it's not.
But it is a holiday. You just won't find it on any "traditional" calenders. Lousy conformists. I DON'T DO THE MAN'S DIRTY WORK NO MO!
I make up my own holidays. It's fun. Today is Peanut Butter Clothing day. I dressed in peanut butter. It's also the Annual Kokiri Track Meet in the Lost Woods.
But that's not why today is a big day.
Don't get me wrong, I mean, peanut butter is very important. Before peanut butter was invented, all was darkness, strife, bitterness, destruction, ruin and hate. After peanut butter, all is love, happiness, prosperity, goodness, grace, and euphoria. Mostly. If it wasn't for peanut butter, I'd have starved ages ago.
But today there is something even more important than peanut butter.
Today Zelda and I are going to a fancy spa in Death Mountain. It's called, "The Spa of Death."
It's gonna be cool.
Zelda invited me. She's so rich she can do whatever she wants. She said maybe my problem is that I have too much tension and it's causing me to be, quote, unquote, "a total retard."
"I've tried everything else," she said.
Hmm. Better put on something other than peanut butter.
***
She's here!
There's this wicked-awesome carriage outside. Wicked-awesome! Wait...I'm afraid that you fail to fully comprehend the depth, the scale, the very magnitude of the wicked-awesomeness of this carrage. It is...ummm...it is...
Wicked-awesome!
I get in. She's in a bathing suit.
Better avoid staring at her eyebrows too much.
"Hi Link, ready for your destupidifying?"
"Umm...yes?"
"Good. We're off!"
This coach is bumpy. Her eyebrows are jiggling.
Damn.
Zelda's cool, 'cause she has servants. They're driving this carriage right now.
I had servants once. I got this squrrel, and put a leash on it, and tied it to a pole, and told it to do my chores.
Only, it didn't. It just ran around in circles making these weird noises that sounded like it was trying to cough up a hairball the size of a pool table. It also had this foam coming out of its mouth. And its hair was falling out. Zelda said it was "rabid." But it wasn't a rabid. It was a squrrel. I mean, they look kinda similar, but still, they're different. Rabids have big ears. And they're pronounced, "raBIT." Not "raBID." But Zelda's super-smart, so I forgive her.
The squrrel bit me. Then I felt kinda weird and fell down and sort of took a nap. When I woke up I wanted to kill things. I can't recall why. Also white foamy stuff was gushing out of my mouth. Maybe I fell asleep shaving or something.
I grew a beard this one time. It felt pretty cool to stroke, but little children would scream when the saw me, so I shaved it off and grew a handlebar mustache. It was hella cool. I walked around with a cane and a top hat.
Anyway, after I tried to strangle Saria to death Zelda came and hit me with a frying pan. When I woke up they jabbed me with a bunch of needles. It hurt.
So I'm off of servants for awhile.
Hmm. Zelda's servants don't look like squrrels. Especially not rabid ones.
Maybe THAT'S her secret.
***
Boy, Death Mountain is far away. This is taking forever. Hope this bumping doesn't make me infertile or something.
I'm hungry. I licked off my peanut butter clothing, but I'm still hungry.
"Zelda, did you pack a lunch?"
"Umm...no, Link, why would I?"
"Cuz I'm hungry! Can we stop?"
"Link, what are you..."
"I WANNA STOP! THERE! PULL IN TO THE DRIVE-THRU!"
"Oh, whatever."
Yay! We're going to McHarnikin's!
Now what do I want. McHarnuggets, Harny Supreme, Big Harn, McHarnikin's Mission Statement, Open Late, No Personal Checks? So much to choose from!
OOOOH! I want the Harny Meal! It comes with a Finding Nemo toy! WOOOOOT!
We're pulling up to the little speaker box.
"AAGAHAHNBNBABBBAHABBB?"
What? What is that guy doing, talking through Peter Frampton's guitar processer?
"Umm...I'd like a Junior Harny Burger with Cheese Harny Meal, please."
"BBBABBHFAHFHAFATWWWHHGFFFFFGFH?"
He sounds like the voice of Satan.
"Why yes, I WOULD like fries with that."
"BHAGGGGRRGAGGARGFFAFFFG."
"Can you make the toy the one where Nemo shoots water out of his mouth? Thanks."
"KSPPSSSSSSSSSSSSCHHHHHHHHAEEGGGERGRGGHHDFD."
"Okay."
I hope they get my order right. I mean, a wind-up Nemo? Lame! I want the one that shoots water at people!
One time, I had this wicked-awesome water fight with Zelda. Except it was sort of one-sided, becuase I just snuck into her room with the hose while she was reading in her nightgown and sprayed her with it.
It did weird things to the region between her shoulders and her stomach. Weird and confusing things. It caused in me an odd mix of befuddlement and arousal. Then she hit me with things, so I couldn't look at it further.
Anyway, Zelda's giving me that look again.
"I suppose I'll be paying for this again, right?"
"No! Of course not! I have Rupees!"
I think.
Okay, we're at the window.
"That comes to 499 Rupees, sir."
Wow! They called me 'sir' without adding, 'please come with me,' or, 'please don't touch that'!
Lets see. I have a Green Rupee, a Green Rupee...a Green Rupee...well, better pay.
"Okay...one, two, three..."
***
"498..." OMIGOSH! I'M OUT OF RUPEES!
"Umm...Zelda...?"
She's asleep. Better not wake her.
"Uhhh...One moment..."
Okay. I'm gonna have to pick Zelda's pocket. She won't mind, right?
Reeeeeeaching...let's see...maybe in here...*squeeze*...nope...hmm...*grope*...nuh uh. Maybe back here...*fondle*...nothing...
Oh, she woke up.
"Zelda, I...umm..."
*SMACK!*
OOOOOOOW! Geez, sorry! It's just one Rupee!
Oh wait! There was another Rupee here all along. Heh. Funny how the world works.
"Okay! I have my money! Here!" I give the casheer a giant sack full of green Rupees.
"Pull over to the second window..."
YAY! I'm gonna get my Harny Burger! AND MY SQUIRTING NEMO! WOOT!
Zelda is looking at me again.
***
Wow! The box has a maze on it! AND a word find! I'M IN SEVENTH HEAVEN! IT'S GROIN-GRABBINGLY GOOD!
Let's see. The burger has...RELISH ON IT??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I HATE RELISH!
"ZELLLLLLLDAAAAA! IT HAS RELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLISH ON IIIIIIIIIT!!!"
"So? What's your problem?"
"I DUN LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE RELISH!!"
"Sigh. Let me just scrape it off for you."
"Okay..."
She scrapes off the relish and...EATS IT! I'm amazed! But...THERE'S STILL LITTLE PIECES ON IT!
"There's still little pieces on it!!!"
"Link, they're microscopic. Just eat it."
"I DON'T WANT ITTTTTT!"
"Oh for the love of..."
The love of me? COOL! She's aroused by my childish intolerance! Time to make my move.
"On second thought, I like relish...let me get it out of your mouth for you."
Wow. I'm clever.
"Umm, actually I don't think this is a good time for mmmmmmmmmummmph!"
Kissy kissy.
***
Well.
That was fun.
But we're at the spa. Better put my pants back on.
Hmm. The Spa of Death. Strangely ominous.
Oh well.
So, I'm signed up for the Total Package. Massage, foot rub, mud bath...MUD BATH???
WHAT?
Okay, so spas are supposed to make you clean and healthy. So they dump you in mud?
Well...how bad can it be?
Time to go. I kiss Zelda goodbye, in case I die in the mud and never see her again.
There's a friendly-looking Goron to escort me.
"All right Link, right this way." She's speaking reeeeeeally softly. I suppose that it's to help me relax.
"What was that?"
"Just follow me." Speak up! I can't hear you!
"What are you saying?"
"In here."
"I CAN'T HEAR A WORD YOU'RE SAYING! SPEAK LOUDER!"
Huh. I'm feeling more stressed than when I came in.
***
Okay. She said to undress as much as I'd feel comfortable doing.
If I was going to do that, I would actually put more clothes _on._ But I don't think that's what she was getting at.
So I strip and wrap a towel around myself.
Hmmmm. New age music to listen to. Which one?
"Total Soul." "Complete Soul." "Absolutely, Positively Soul." "Sounds of Nature." "Ocean Waves." "Breakers." "Typhoons." "The Compunctions of Spirit." "Music to Drowze Off To." "One Extremely Long Note." "Thin Irritating Wavering Keyboard with Odd Chanting Voices In Background That Are Loud Enough To Be Heard But Annoyingly Soft." "Raindrops." "Snowflakes." "Golf-ball Sized Hailstones."
Umm. Maybe if I close my eyes and just touch one at random.
Ah. The thin wavering keyboard one. Sounds good.
Now what?
"Please lie down," says the Goron.
On THAT?
There's this little bed. There's a circular hoop where you put your face. It looks like a toilet seat.
I'm not lying on that! It looks like a torture device!
Oh what the hell. The Goron knows what she's doing, I guess.
I feel really weird looking through this little hole. I feel like I _am_ the bed. Like I can't move. Like I'm trapped in a wall with my face sticking out. I feel like the guy who was lowered into the lava inside the metal cage deeley in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom."
Like, at any moment there will be little hand straps that clamp shut, trapping me, and then a wicked-awesome lazer beam would come out of the ceiling, and start shooting up, up, towards my crotch, and an evil guy with an evil cat would come out and laugh maniacally? Like in that one James Bond movie? With Sean Connery? The guy who was the dragon in Dragonheart? He's cool! I want to be like him! Because he's a loud craggy Scottsman who doesn't play by the rules!
I love cheese. I roll up an American Single into a tube to make a cheese crack pipe to snort up little pieces of shreadded cheddar, then I eat the Single.
I go off on a lot of odd tangents. Zelda says they're "non-sequeters." What in the name of all things sacred is a sequeter? Is it something I should be doing? Is it painful? Can an anistetic be delivered?
Anistetics are sooooo cool! Like this one time, I fell off a bridge in the Lost Woods, and I broke my leg, and I was like "AAAAH YOU GODDAMN SONS OF BITCHES MY MOTHERFUCKING TIBIA I'LL SEE YOU ALL IN HELL!!!" And then they took me to the hospital and I got to have this anistetic administered and it didn't hurt anymore and I could like, poke the bone sticking out of my shin and stuff and it wouldn't hurt at all but then the doctor sorta rolled his eyes and said that they needed an anisthesiologist really fast and then I kinda passed out.
Pure oxygen is wicked-awesome too. I mean this other time I was choking on a hot dog and started turning all red and then kinda passed out again and then they came and revived me and I got to inhale this pure oxygen and it was like the sweetist shiznit ever and I should sell it in cans as a refreshing beverage.
But I still hate fish with lawyers.
No time to elaborate! The music is starting. It sounds very strange. Who are those voices in the background? What are they saying? Is it about me? WHAT?
I don't hear the Goron. Where did she go?
GGGGAAAAAAAAAH! WHAT WAS THAT?
She just came in and touched my back! Holy Shiite! She moves so silently! My heart...start beating again...there we go.
Oooooooooookay.
You are touching my shoulders. Yep. Those are indeed my shoulders.
You are continuing to touch my shoulders. Are you sure you know what you're doing? Who are you anyway? I can't see you, all I can see is this little patch of floor. For all I know you're a hideous sex fiend come to crush my delicate sensitivities...or...A FISH WITH A LAWYER!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
But I can't say anything. That would sound silly. So I'll just wait.
I'm just lying here, staring at the floor. There really isn't that much to look at on the floor.
Okay. You are now touching my back. That is definitely my back. You are kneading my spine there. Ow. Ow. Ow. Please stop. That is my back. You are wrenching my shoulderblades. Please desist. Those are my shoulders, and I'll thank you to leave them be. You know, your hands are not exactally what one would describe as the hands of a good masseuse. They are more the kind of hands one would find on a grizzled coal miner. Or a rock. With hands.
Maybe Gorons shouldn't go into the massage buisness. The mechanics of it elude me.
Of course, everything eludes me.
Wish I had a magazine.
Whoa there. That would qualify as my lower back. Yes. Lower. It is in dangerous proximity to my buttocks. Please hurry up. How much time did I pay for?
But of course I can't say anything.
My face is sticking to the little hole. I'm wondering if there's some kind of glue on the hole so that they can keep me captive. Actually I guess it's the nervous sweat all over my face.
Oh my. That is my thigh. My inner thigh. You are rubbing my inner thigh. Be careful back there. Where are you going? What is that?
Well. Now you are touching my calves. I see. You are definitely touching me. Yes indeed. Yes indeedelydoodelydiddlydaddelydingdangdongdoodleIGOTTAGETOUTTAHERE!
Calm down. Take it easy. Just a massage. Okay. Only...forty-seven minutes to go.
***
OH THANK GOD. She just quietly left the room. (At least I THINK it was her. It might have been the...gasp...fish with lawyers...)
Ooooookay. Gotta get through this. I gotta get through this. HEY! That's a song! By some crappy band that I don't feel like thinking of the name...of.
Think I'll run a few laps to work off the tension.
Run run run. Running in the nude. Run. Run.
Ya know when you say something so many times it looses all meaning? That just happened. With "Run."
Wait. So, "Run" has no meaning. So then, the opposite of "run" is "walk," right? So "walk" has no meaning. So what does have meaning...? Nothing.
I've become unmoored from reality forever.
Oh, wait. No I haven't.
My genitals are flopping wildly. It's not pretty.
Better put the towel back on.
"Sir?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHAT?"
I've just jumped about five vertical feet.
"You...can...follow me for your mud bath now..."
Okay. Must get back to table without exposing Goron lady to illimitable horrors.
Walking...backward...almost there...
GAH! BAR OF SOAP!
OW! SONOFABITCH!
Umm...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! MY NAKED FRAILTIES HAVE BEEN UNMASKED!
TO A GORON!
MUST GRAB TOWEL! Ahh. There. All better. Although I think I might have scarred the Goron person irrepairably.
"*shudder* Right...this...way..."
Okey-dokey.
***
Wow! There's this great big room! And it's great! And big! It's greatly big! Or maybe it's bigly great. No matter!
LOOK! There she is!
Oh thank GOD.
"ZEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
I charge madly towards her. It's like one of those things where the two lovers are running toward each other in a big field, and the music is going dadadadadadadaDA DA, DA DA DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAA...
Except we're in a large, foul-smelling cave. And I'm doing the running. And the music is that Goron theme song that goes like HAP-burra HAP-burra- burra, HAP-burra HAP-burra-burra, WOWM WOWM-WOWM, WAWAWAWAWOWM-WOWM, WOM WADDLEY-WADDLEY-WADDLEY-WEET-WEET WEET-WOWM, WOM WADDLEY-WADDLEY-WADDLEY- WEET-WEET WEET-WOWM. And I lost my towel again.
"LINK! WHAT THE F..."
*WHUMPH*
"OOOOOOOW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?"
I cling to her leg.
"I WANNA GO HOOOOOOOOOME! THIS PLACE IS SCARY AND THE GORONS ARE CREEPY AND THE MASSAGES HURT AND I'M NEKKID AND IT'S ALL SO TERRIBLY CONFUSING!"
"GET IN THE TUB!"
I look at the tub. It's large. It's carved in the rock. It's full of mud.
I can only describe the way it smells as "Strikingly similar to the smell of a large tub full of mud."
I'M NOT GETTING IN THAT!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"LINK! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A FOUR-YEAR-OLD ON METHAMPHETAMINES! GET...IN...THE...TUB!" Every word is punctuated with an attempt to shove me off her leg.
I ain't going nowhere.
"ARRRRRGGG!"
Zelda jumps into the tub.
OH MY GOD!
I'M IN THE MUD! THERE'S MUD ALL AROUND ME!
IT'S DARK! Oh, my eyes are closed.
Okay. I'll open them.
ARRRRRGGGHH! BAD IDEA! MUD IN MY EYES! OOOOOOOW! THIS MUD IS HEATED TO ABOUT A HUNDRED-FIFTY DIGREES!
WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING?
Wait. I need to breathe. Right?
Maybe not. Maybe I'm like those skeleton peeps in "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl." Not to be confused with "Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World." Or "Star Trek: Generations." Or "The Cat In The Hat II: The Armageddon." No wait, that one's only in my mind.
For now...
So anyway, why are there so many colons in movie titles? It just makes no sense. I guess they can't use something else. Like, "Pirates of the Caribbean%The Curse of the Black Pearl." Or "Master and Commander#@$!*)The Far Side of the World." That's just silly.
I guess they could use a semicolon, but that would only be half as cool. Maybe they could make the title twice as long to compensate, as in "PPiirraatteess ooff tthhee CCaarriibbbbeeaann; TThhee CCuurrssee ooff TThhee BBllaacckk PPeeaarrll." But then it wouldn't fit on the marquee.
Anyway. Breathing.
"GHASP!"
"Link! What in the hell is your problem?"
Uh oh. She sounds mad.
Better stop screwing up.
"Sorry, I was just freaked out by the scary Gorons and stuff."
"It's okay, I'm here now. Everything's safe."
Ahh. Safe.
I curl into the fetal position and sit in her warm lap.
Awww. So nice.
"Why do I love you so?"
So? My name's not "So!" It's...umm...wait, don't tell me...
Marlon Brando! No wait, Link!
Oh well. I guess I can't complain. Her lap's just so warm...
"I mean, you act like an infant, a retard, and a dangerous maniac intermittantly, but then...you just somehow make everything right in the end. How do you do it?"
I dunno...magic gnomes?
She kisses my forehead.
Wait. I just realized how akward this looks.
I'll just sit down.
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhh.
No wait. Let me change the inflection.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
This mud is scalding.
I can't feel my feet.
But I get to look at Zelda's sexy eyebrows. So I guess it's okay.
I put my arm around her. Except I can't really get my arm out of the mud.
Let me try pulling on it.
Rrrrrg. RRRRG! STUCK...IN...MUD!
It's like fucking QUICKSAND!
Oh well.
One more try.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOW! I DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER! AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Oh. Ow. I popped it back into place.
Oh, there we go. Got my arm out.
*SCHHLLLUUURRRRRPPPP*
Whoa. That sounded weird.
So I finally put my mud-covered arm around her.
She's looking at me funny again. But then it melts into affection. Or pain.
Nope, affection.
"Oh Link...this is so romantic..."
Yeah....
Except, we're in a big vat of mud. But it's still pretty romantic.
She kinda snuggles next to me.
Awww. I love her.
But I hate this mud.
My legs feel like roasted pork loins.
Mmmm...pork loins...when it turns kinda pink in the middle, but grey on the outside, and it's perfectly tender...Awaarrrrrrrgggllleeee...drool...
Oh geez. I gotta fart.
How is THIS gonna work? This mud is about as viscous as molasses in a freezer. I once put my head in a bucket of molasses, and put it in a freezer, and lemme tell ya, it wasn't too viscous.
Maybe my fart will just sit there, preserved.
HEY! Maybe, archiologists in the future will unearth this fossilized mud, and find MY fossilized fart in it!
WOW! I GOTTA TRY IT!
Aaaaaaaah. Sweet relief.
Oh crap. Now I gotta pee.
I can't get out of this mud. I seriously doubt that it's even possible to get out of this mud. I'd need a forklift to get out of this mud.
I REALLY GOTTA PEE! But I can't do it in the mud! I mean, it's not like this is a swimming pool or something!
Zelda leans her head on my shoulder. Her hair is all covered with mud. It feels like a bunch of banana slugs.
You might not find that sexy. But I do.
Ahh. I guess I'll hold it.
But wait. What if my bladder explodes? That'll ruin the moment.
Wait. It's mud, right? And mud gets you dirty, right? So in this case, getting dirty is good for you, right? So if I pee in it, it'll get MORE dirty. So...it'll actually HELP. COOL! I USED LOGIC TO SOLVE A PROBLEM!
Well, there's a first time for everything I guess.
Aaaaaaaaaaah. Muuuuch better.
I give Zelda a big kiss. I get lots of mud in my mouth.
GAG! PHFFT! YUCK!
Well THAT was a turn-off.
I guess if I get put in a playgirl magazine or something I'd have to write, "Turn-Offs: Eating Mud."
And then, "Turn-Ons: Banana-slug-like Hair."
Ahhhhhh. I close my eyes and relax, in the arms of the one I love, being boiled alive in mud.
My body is covered with third-degree burns.
Mmmmmm. Ahhhhh. Owwwwch.
Only seventy-two minutes to go.
***
Time to get out.
Any thoughts on how?
Okay. I have one arm around Zelly, and one arm and two legs in the tub. Only, the arm around Zelly is sorta covered with congealed mud, and it's rather hard to move.
RGGGG! There. Dislodged it.
Now. I'll reach in and grab my other arm.
Okay. Got it.
Now. To...pull...them...out.
Can't be done.
Perhaps I should dip my head in, bite my legs, and pull them out.
Okay. Bad idea. Maybe I should...um...
Oh wait! A kind Goron is coming to save me! It's like a dolphin coming to save someone who's drowning! But probably not in mud.
No, wait. She's got these towels, and bottles, and...a cucumber.
Now, wait a minute.
I like cucumbers as much as the next guy, but...what does it have to do with ME?
Hm. She doesn't look like she's going to save me from the mud.
Maybe I should shout for help. But I guess it would be self-evident that I'm slowly drowning in mud.
Oh dear. She's not going to save me. She's going to inflict more relaxation on me.
She's wrapping my head in a towel. Then she's getting...A KNIFE! AAAAAAAAAH! WHAT IS THAT FOR?
OOOOOOHHHHH! Cutting the cucumber. I get it.
So. I'm guessing I'm getting a nice little between-meal snack or something?
She's putting the cucumber slices on my eyes.
Well. That solves my lack-of-cucumbers-on-eyes problem.
"Just sit back and relax."
Oh. Okay.
Now she's rubbing this icy-cold gunk over my face.
What in the blue fuck is THIS supposed to do?
This shit is so goddam COLD!
Dispite the fact my core temperature is currently hovering around 120 digrees, I'm shivering.
Why are we doing this again?
Whatever this is supposed to be doing, it had damn well better be doing it.
I can't see.
Oh that's right, my eyes are closed. Let me try opening them.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! CUCUMBER JUICE IN EYES! ITTTTTTTTTT BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRNS!
Bad idea. I'll add it to the list.
Is this happening to Zelda too? I hope not. She doesn't deserve this.
This must be some kind of initiation. Like a fraternity or something.
Yeah, that's it. Hazing the new guy. That's it. That's the ticket, lil' cricket.
Oh GOD! WHO'M I KIDDING? THIS IS WHAT I PAID FOR! WHHHHHHHHHHHHHY?!?!?!?
Once again, I can't see. Is Zelda nearby? Is anybody?
Let me try to feel for her.
Hmm. This feels sorta like...umm...can't tell...
Ah ha! That's something all right. Feels round...and squishy...and...nippley. That's funny, I could have sworn that's...
OH MY GOD! CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP!
"JESUS LINK WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING?"
"I...I...I...I..."
"IF YOU MUST GROPE ME CAN YOU WAIT UNTIL THE GORON ISN'T LOOKING?"
"I CAN'T TELL THAT THE GORON'S LOOKING! I GOT CUCUMBERS IN MY EYES!"
Great. Now it looks like I'm just a little hornball instead of a helpless blind dude.
Let me try again.
Hmm...that's...that's arm. I'm getting close.
"What on EARTH are you..."
Hey! There's face! There's nose, and mouth...I FOUND HER FACE! WOOT!
"GAAK! STOP THAT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
"Is that you, darling, sweetie, love of my life?"
"HELL YES, IT'S ME! STOP SMEARING MUD ON MY FACE!"
Oh right, the mud. CRAP!
Maybe...maybe if I sit really still, I can go to sleep.
Ahhhhh.
Falling...asleep...in...vat...of...mud...
ZzZZZzzzZZZZZzZZzZZzZZzZzZz...
***
Hmm. I just had the funniest dream. I was bowling with the head of Pikachu at a bunch of bowling pins shaped like blueberry muffins.
MUFFINS! MUFFINS ARE THE SHIITE!
Wait-a-minit. Why am I...
HOOOO-LEEE-CRAP! I'M DROWNING IN MUD!
MUST...REACH...SURFACE! GHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Gaspgaspgaspgaspgasp...
"Link...are you..."
Ready to get out? Ready to get out? GET OUT? GET OUT????
"...okay?"
Oh. Sure. I'm fine. Now can we GET OUT OF THIS DEATHHOLE?
"I'm good! All is well!"
"You went under for a moment and...I had to rescue you from your own idiocy...again..."
Oh. It was one of those moments again.
"Ya know Link, this isn't really working...let's go..."
GO? AS IN, LEAVE?
YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WOOOOOOO!
A Goron's coming over. She's...
HOLY CRAP! SHE'S GRABBING ME BY THE ARMS! AND TRYING TO PULL ME OUT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHGGGG GOOOOOD GAAAAAAAAAAAAWD NOOOOOOOOOOO! SHE'S GOING TO DISLOCATE MY ARMS!
SCHLOOORP!
Out I come. Only...I'm wearing...mud.
Zelda's getting out. Gracefully, beautifully. As opposed to painfully and incompetently.
"Let's go shower off..."
YES! Shower!
I've never showered with Zelda before.
Then again, I've hardly ever showered with MYSELF before.
Maybe I can shampoo her back! HOTNESS!
Or her EYEBROWS!
HOTTERNESS!
***
Lets see. Here I am in the shower stall. It's not exactally...private. It's about as private as a park bench.
Plus, I can't read Goron. I don't know what the knobs mean.
Let me try this one...
*Schwisssssssssss...*
Ahh. Not to bad. Not too...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH TOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! SCALDING MEEEEEEEEEE!
RUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!
Okay...I'm out of the evil clutches of the shower. Let me try and turn the water off.
Reaching...in...
OOOOOOOOW HOT!
Reaching...in...
OOOOOOOOOOW HOT!
Reaching...in...
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
DAMMIT! THIS ISN'T WORKING!
Okay.
WAIT! MY BRAIN JUST VOMITED UP AN IDEA!
Brain, where would I be without you?
*A few minutes later, Link has attached a shower slipper to a long stick and is poking the shower knobs with it*
IT WORKS! THE SHOWER TURNED OFF!
I'm a GENIUS! And all I had to do was run naked outside and find a stick.
Okay. I'll try the other one.
Ahhh. Nice and cool. Not painfully hot.
GGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!
COLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLDCOLD!
*HEEEP*-*HOOOOOP*-*HEEEEEEP*-*HOOOOOOOOP*
Heart...rate...falling...back...to...normal.
WHAT KIND OF RELAXING SPA IS THIS?!?
Uh oh. Major problem.
Looking down...
HOLY GODDESS!!! WHERE DID IT GO???
Holy shit. I can't let anyone see me like this. Hey, I have an image to maintain. I'm the Hero of Time, remember?
"Hey, Link, are you done yet?"
IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! It's Zelda!
WHERE IS MY TOWEL?
"DON'T COME IN!"
"What? What's the matter?"
THERE IT IS! BLESSED TOWEL!
Thank you for covering my loins.
I will never forget you.
Now. I need a distraction so I can go and put my clothes on, grab Zelda, and run.
Hmm.
"FFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE! RRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Peeeerrrrrfect.
"Link, what the crap."
Yes, WHAT the crap? I don't know either.
"Why are you screaming that there's a fire? What's supposed to be burning? Rocks?"
"Look, it doesn't matter. Just come over here for a moment."
There's a fire alarm over here.
I grab her hand and pull it for her.
I'm sure she she'd have done it without my help, but, ya know, it's romantic.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING! STOP!"
Too late.
"RUN ZELDA! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"
"NO! STOP!"
We run away. Hey! There's that bunch of rocks that goes to the Lost Woods!
Do I have a bomb in this towel?
Or am I just glad to see you?
I CRACK MYSELF UP!
Hey! Here's one of those bomb flower things!
Here we go.
"Hey Zelda! Check it out! I got a bomb!"
"HOLY CRAP PUT THAT DOWN!"
Where, here? Okay.
"JEZUZ CHRIST LINK LOOOOOOK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOUT!"
She seems upset. Hmm.
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
Ow.
Now I'm muddy, boiled alive, AND blown up.
Hey! The rocks are gone!
"COME ON! WE HAVE TO ESCAPE FROM THE SPA OF DEATH!"
"WHY? CAN'T WE AT LEAST GO AND GET OUR CLOTHES OR SOMETHING?"
"NO TIME FOR THAT!"
This way! To the Lost Woods!
We walk into the big black space.
And now we're here.
Hey! What's going on...
WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?
"Link, what are we...OH MY GOD!"
Hey! I remember where we are! It's the Kokiri Track Meet! I believe I mentioned that earlier!
Cool! Can I enter?
Hmmm. They all seem to be laughing at me.
Is there something funny?
OH! That's right. We're nude. And muddy.
Hmm. If I were more intelligent, I'd be embarrassed.
Zelda doesn't seem to be taking this well.
"LINK...GOING...TO...KILL...YOU..."
She's giving me that Look.
And THAT'S my spa trip with Zelda.