Author's Note: Woah...an update.
A Man Like You: Sirius' apology
James; I wish you could hear me.
From the moment you've been gone, my life has been nothing but hell. No one was there for me once you were gone. It seemed as though my whole world had come crashing down.
A part of me knows that it did.
Nothing is the same anymore, my friend, and no matter what I do to make up for it, you'll still be gone, and I'll still be missing you.
It seems so surreal, me here without you. Strangely enough, I always believed I would be the first one to go. Why? I'll never know. Maybe I just never wanted to envision my life without my best friend. Everything in my life revolved around you since the day I met you. You were a piece of me that was missing, and when I found you it made the world easier to face.
There's nothing wrong with men needing each other. I needed you to keep me going. You never let me quit no matter how badly I wanted to give up at times. You were always there, James.
And then, suddenly, you weren't.
It was so selfish of me to think that you would be there forever. Selfish and foolish. It didn't seem possible, that you would be gone one day. The concept of a world without my best friend never even crossed my mind. Not that I wasn't scared to lose my friends, but I never thought that it would happen. It was the one thing I would never allow to happen. I would not fail my friends; friends who were all that I had in my life. I wouldn't allow it to happen.
But it did. It did happen.
That's my own fault. If I hadn't been so stupid I never would have made the mistake to trust Peter with your safety, and the safety of your family. Because of me, you and Lily are both gone. And I don't care what everyone else says, I will never accept it otherwise. I bear the pain of your absence everyday. It is a punishment I readily accept for my ignorance, but unfortunately, others must feel this pain as well. Especially your son.
James, if you were here, there's no doubt in my mind of the pride you would feel for your son. I imagine it would be equivalent to my own. He's almost exactly like you, you know? But he has enough of Lily's good graces to keep him out of the kind of trouble you and I usually found ourselves in.
Everyone is so fond of him, James. It hurts to think that you're not here to watch him become a man. A man like you.
Time was never good to me, James. It still isn't. I am forever running out of time, and it seems that I'm always losing my battles. I lost my brother to Voldemort; I lost you and Lily to death; I lost a great portion of my life to Azkaban. Now I many lose Harry too, and after that there will be nothing left of me.
Why must things always be so difficult for us, James? When will life be easy? When will the world leave me alone in peace?
Help me, James. I'm so lost without you. I need your guidance now more than ever. Everyone thinks we were so much alike. We were nothing alike. What would you do in a situation like this? You would be at action. You would be working to find your son. Where am I, James? Do you know where I am? I'm sitting at home, soaking up all of the alcohol I can find to help me get through these days.
I need your help again, old friend. I need help...
If nothing else is ever mine again, if I can never retrieve that which I lost, please, at least bring Harry back to me.
He's all that I have left, James.
Maybe if you were here, things would be different, but that isn't the case anymore, old friend.
You're not here, and Harry is now in my custody.
Forgive me, my friend, for failing you. But please, don't take Harry away from me.
Author's Note: Yes, it's short. I know. I'm sorry. Visit the link to my live-journal in my bio page if you're interested in my excuse.