From: Gearhead
To: Maggot
Subject: Re: Demon Chick

First of all the beer's-a-brewin' buddy of mine! It'll be like the first time we met. Spring was in the air, the Sergeants were howling and the beer was the stuff of life. I am DREAMING about beer! Slinky says it'll be good stuff. He was just about dancing. I ain't never seen anybody so excited about booze in my life and I include my uncle Owen in that. Man used to go on and on and on about Wales and beer, Wales and beer. There were only three things he loved in life. Wales, beer, and Manchester United. Do NOT ask me why. He came back three days late from a game once with his ear bit off. He'd been arrested and kept that ear in his pocket. He pickled the damn thing in cheap booze and kept it on his souvenir shelf! I swear to god, man's nuts. I been asking around about your Anya chick. One of the geeks tells me Anya's the name of a demon broad in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Those guys just kill me, Maggot! Where do they FIND these people? He wanted to know if I'd seen it and started asking me fuckin' TRIVIA questions, I kid you not. That's what HE called 'em! He thinks he's cool cause it ain't Star Trek - yes, he SAID that! He told me how Weir reminds him of Buffy's mom. I dunno if I'm ever gonna be able to look at that woman again with a straight face. Thank GOD I'm not an officer. I mean, besides the fact that my parents are married and all, I dunno if I could sit in a room with her. If I weren't at the bottom of the barrel already she'd be busting my balls back to private faster than I could come when I was sixteen. But it sounds like your Anya chick earned her name. Sobelsky, you know, that marine who dead lifts in competition? He says HE's afraid of her. That she can crack a man between her thighs. Be careful but it sure does sound like she could make ya happy. What a way to go!

And where do you get off about gaining weight? You was already like thirty pounds over! By the way, that shit you pulled to get out of jogging works great when I want to avoid running power bars and crap up to the labs! I swear, those people LIVE on the things. At least the Lord of the Geeks does. You know, that makes me think of a thing . . .Man, find out what's IN that blue goo. We could market that shit and be rich. The Blue Diet! Oooze the pounds away. We'd be bigger than Atkins. Broads would be lining up to ooze their butts away. My god, we'd never had to work again. Think of it, Maggot! We're sitting on a rainbow and sliding into a pot of gold! Blue gold that is.

And do you think you could, like, groan and thrash around a little? Maybe do a fake seizure like you told me you used to do in school? Cause once LT shit for brains figured out you weren't gonna die he pulled me off compassionate whatever and my ass is back to duty now. Kkkeeerap you should see some of what they bring back. I just had to inventory fifteen things that look like purple tarantulas. This captain told me, I shit you not, that "they were considered a local delicacy" on this shithole planet he'd just hauled ass back from. I handled the bushels of dino eggs just fine but when these things kept tryin' to crawl outta their basket while I counted 'em . . . gaaagggh. They got this specialist along, thinks he's a wit. He said since he heard you liked weird crap he wondered if you'd try the tarantulas for 'em. Told me he's a "gormay chef" and that he'd be happy to pan fry them up with butter and mushrooms an' " a hint of garlic." Blleaaagh! They pay the officers to eat the spiders, I ain' t touching that shit.

Gearhead

From: Maggot
To: Gearhead
Subject: Re: Demon Chick

Mmmmm. Beer. Now I can actually taste something other than blue shit, I can't wait! I think I remember your Uncle Owen. He was pretty cool, except for the whole ear thing. Wasn't he the one who copped a feel on my sister at that wedding? I can't really remember, I was too drunk!

The geek squad actually compared my lovely Anya to that demon woman? Are they nuts? She is sooo much hotter than that actress! And no, I have never stooped to watching that show. My little sister was in love with Angel, and babbled endlessly about the damn thing until I broke down one night under a bottle of vodka (which is why I never touch the stuff) and watched an ep. All I can say is, I needed a fast class just to recover! I could literally feel my brain melting. Of course, it could have been the vodka.

Anyway, that's besides the point. The good news is that Mr. Winky won't be so lonely in the near future. My lovely nurse has been placed in charge of seeing to my rehab, and some of the ideas she has! Let me put it this way, Gee. Remember those triplets we dated at AIT? She can do all that - by herself! And yeah, she can probably crush a man between her thighs, but what a way to go!

I think I'm in love, man.

By the way, where do you get off calling me overweight you big tub of lardass? You weigh at least twenty pounds more than I do! More, actually, after all that oozing I did. And you might have something with that blue goo diet thing, but really, I don't think the smell would go over too well. It would be like selling bulimia in a bottle. Not pretty. Besides, it makes your hair fall out, and what chic wants her hair falling out? And Chanade Oconner, or whatever that balled crazy's name was, does not count! She was a psycho.

Speaking of psychos, was that guy serious about the spiders? Because I think it would be cool to try one! Just to say that I had! And besides, it might actually trigger a siezer or something, and I would get to stay away from Hoity Toity for a bit longer. Blegggghhh! I'll take a purple spider over his creepy grin any day. Besides, spiders actually taste pretty good, which you would know if you had taken that SERE training with me. Grasshopper taste like squishy peanutes, but spiders - they're like squashed zuccini.

Ok, ok, I can just see you turning green. Get back to work! Doc says I should be out of here tomorrow or the next if the tests come back clear.

And you can thank me later, but I told him I didn't think I would be strong enough to get around on my own for a while, so guess who gets to be my buddy for the next week, buddy?

I'll talk at you later. Try not to get raped by any more plants, and if you finally grow a pair, don't eat the heads first. They bite. And stay away from the back, they squirt stuff. Start with the legs. Besides, you always liked legs, didn't you?

Maggot

A/N: Down in Louisiana where they bite the heads, wonder what they'd do with purple spiders? Probably toss 'em in gumbo . . .