Holy hell! Another update? gasp

It makes a difference

that I'm feeling this way,

with plenty to think about

and so little to say.

Had Sirius know that their temporary accommodations before the initial plunge would have been so uncomfortable, he might have seconded waiting on the beach. Regardless, no one was allowed to leave until the signal was placed. He found himself staring longingly out of the one window in the cottage, dead centered on the most conspicuous window in his line of view.

They called this a summer home?

Sirius didn't understand what was so warm about the place. It was a dump! There were spider webs and herds of dust bunnies at every turn. The one and only window in the place was so filthy that three wizards had had to set cleaning charms on it and in the end still needed to wipe a few spots with the edges of their robes. The fireplace was blocked so there wasn't even an option for warmth as the chill night air seeped into the one roomed cottage through poorly insulated walls.

"I guess we know why they only come here in the summer," growled Alastor Moody in an attempt to lighten the hearts of those who were sharing this one roomed hell hole. There was a whispering wave of grumbles and shrewd remarks, but nothing that every fully reached the ears of another. No one was willing to gripe out loud. They knew why they were here, and that was enough of a reason to endure the discomfort if only for a little while longer.

A gentle tap reached Sirius' shoulder. He turned abruptly to see the face of Remus Lupin smiling down on him.

"Can you see anything?" he asked, pulling a chair up next to his old comrade.

Sirius lurched forward slightly to get a better view of the world outside. "Barely."

Chuckling, Remus peered around at the other miserable blokes that were only enjoying their accommodations less than they.

"Let me ask you something, Sirius," he said at length, eyeing one Order member in particular.

"What is it?"

"Do you see that young woman, over there?"

Sirius frowned, slightly baffled. As he turned his gaze, he caught a glimpse of Nymphandora Tonks sitting beside the lifeless fireplace. She had fingerless gloves and a shawl over her already disheveled robes. Her neon pink hair was matted to her head, giving the slightest impression of a squashed, discolored dandelion.

"That's Tonks," Sirius observed dumbly.

"Yes, I know. But do you know why she's here?"

"Because she's a member of the Order?"

Remus grinned. It wasn't his typical grin. It was, instead, the smile he used to politely let someone know that he, Remus, knew something that the person he was speaking to obviously did not.

"All right, Remus," Sirius stated with a grin. "If you're so certain of another reason; why is she here?"

Remus cleared his throat and lowered his voice so that no one might overhear them.

"When Tonks was eight years old, her oldest brother got mixed up into the Dark Arts."

Sirius' brow raised in amazement. "Really?"

Nodding, Remus went on. "He got into it, and I mean really into it. He loved the power. He loved the fear that he could invoke when he wore the Death Eater robes and the masks. He loved it all."

"What happened?"

"One day, Voldemort found out that Ty, her brother's name, that their dad was an Auror. He promised Ty a seat at his right hand if he betrayed his family and sold them to him."

"And?"

Remus shook his head, sitting back. "He wouldn't do it. He rushed home to find the Death Eaters torturing his parents and killed them all. Voldemort arrived a few moments later and killed him."

"Where was-"

"With her cousins. Out playing a few miles away."

Sirius cursed under his breath, casting a quick sidelong glance at the young woman who seemed so determined to get this mission through and over with. He had never believed that someone could hold such painful memories inside of them and yet put up such a happy visage all the time.

"How does she do it?" Sirius asked at length.

"Satisfaction," Remus stated in a very 'matter of fact' tone. "That in the end, her brother died doing the right thing."

"Unlike some others," Sirius grumbled, memories retreating back to his own brother. Regulus, Sirius' younger brother, had been too weak to stand up for even his own twisted beliefs. In the end he had grown afraid and tried to run away, but the Death Eaters and Voldemort had killed him before he could set one foot outside of their circle.

Remus looked away, allowing himself a moment of silence out of respect for the dead they now spoke of. When he finished, he turned his gaze and pointed in the direction of another.

"You know him no dounbt?"

Sirius peered over his shoulder. Mishak Allen, a long time, more secretive member of the Order. He'd been called away from duty in Greenland to help with this mission. After being told the situation at hand, Mishak had been more than willing to lend any help that he could. Allen had been a long time friend of the Potters, and Sirius and Remus. News of their newest predicaments had brought him out here, and that was all, so Sirius had believed.

"Yeah."

"He lost a son to Voldemort."

A sharp pang bit Sirius' heart. He couldn't imagine the sheer disappointment and pain that would inflict upon a man. It was worse than losing your child to death.

"He's going to fight against his son?"

Remus nodded. "Imagine his inner turmoil."

Sirius sighed, and Remus pointed to another figure. "Kailee Marks," he said at length. "She had two daughters. Twins. One, Mary, is a Death Eater. The other, Mel, was an Auror."

"Was?"

"They met one day in the streets and dueled. Killed a few muggles in the process, but in the end, Mary won out."

"Sister against sister?"

"Yes."

"What happened to Mary afterward?"

"Suicide."

Sirius cast his eyes away again. So much pain. It was hard to understand it all. It was hard to believe that so many past emotions, feelings, regrets, could be bundled up into so little a house. How was it that they kept themselves from drowning their miseries away? Sirius would be seeking the bottom of every bottle in an attempt to find solitude if he had suffered anything remotely similar to what these people were enduring. How did they do it?

Remus seemed to read his mind. He leaned over and slapped his friend's leg in both a friendly gesture, and to get his attention.

"We all have our own reasons for being here."

Sirius nodded, understanding. "Yeah, I know."

"Everyone faces loss. Faces pain. In the end, what matters is what you do to recover from it."

Thinking on those words, Sirius peered out of the window. There was still no signal from the church. Nothing.

"I'm scared."

Remus blinked and turned to meet Sirius' gaze, obviously very much taken aback. "What?"

Sirius sighed. He could feel the overwhelming knot he'd been swallowing for what seemed like decades suddenly rise into his throat. The bile threatened to spill over, but he knew, whatever happened, what he had to say needed to come out.

"I'm scared, Remus. I'm not strong like these people. I can't bear another loss in my life."

Remus nodded, listening intently.

"If Harry's gone...there's nothing for me. These people have a purpose that drives them. A right to wrong." He looked up, tears in his eyes. "I don't. All I have...is Harry. I can't lose that."

A gentle smile caressed the features of the life-weary man who sat across from Sirius. At that moment, he stood, patted his friend's shoulder, and quietly assured him that he wouldn't. With that being said, he turned to the crowd at hand and cleared his throat to get their attention.

"The signal has been lit," he proclaimed. "It's time to move out."

Lyrics: When I Go; by: Over the Rhine