From: Gearhead
To: Maggot
Subject: Tasty and nutritious

I do not believe you. You're gonna EAT that shit? Now I know why your parents named you Maggot. Oh PUKE! They bite? SQUISHY ZUCCHINI? Jesus Christ in a tutu, zucchini's bad enough all by itself. Zucchini with eight furry legs and eyes and teeth? Gagggg! Seymour has started talking about variations on a theme, by the way. I think he said some damn fruity thing about purple spider in honey mustard sauce. He's planning to bring one by for ya for lunch tomorrow. Spider breath. I'm not sure I want to see it, but I figure there's cash in getting you with purple legs sticking out of your spotty blue face. Though I'm still not sure I want my name associated with the kind of pervs who'd BUY something like that!

The triplets. I still have fond dreams and terrible laundry problems cause of them. She can DO that? What is she? Quadruped jointed or something? I kind of envy you if I weren't so scared of the woman. She looked at me and I swear to God I could hear my orifice snap shut. I mean, like, PUCKER! I think I' ll stick with my beautiful Babe, the Botanical One. I started asking the guys to look out for roses and crap like that when they're out there. You better not laugh at me! Stop that right now or I' ll . . . jeez. I' m not sure I can come up with a threat bad enough for somebody who'd eat a purple spider. I tell ya, we have GOT to get you on Fear Factor. You'll totally dominate and crush 'em. Right now I got the willies! Yewww.

But my Babe,. Ahh yes. I fell in love with the perfect woman. She's beautiful, she's smart, she don't study bugs, and she likes to suck my tonsils right out my dick. I am totally in love.

Thank you for rescuing me! LTHT talked to LTSFB and damn, if they didn't set me up to help you out? You know what that means, dontcha? Means LTSFB has you on inventory with me. They figure you can fill out forms now that you're not gonna get blue slime on lquote em! You can teach me that seizure trick and we can see if the spiders'll make a guy foam at the mouth.

One week to beer, my little blue buddy. One week to ambrosia! And yes, my uncle Owen did make advances to your sister. After she offered to untie his tubes, and that man had 'em tied back in 1972. Where did your sister learn to TALK like that, Maggot? It sure as hell wasn't from Busty the Vampire Layer! I can't believe you watched that shit! Does this mean I gotta start carrying crosses and eating garlic? More than I already do I mean. Speaking of which, that's another thing they got me on the lookout for. Bates, you know, Sergeant Hardass with the poodle hair? He button-holed me and told me that garlic was a priority! Jeez how many priorities can a man keep track of? I gotta look for that poochie perfume for Weir cause somebody the LT calls Peter Au Grottin wants it for her, and I gotta keep an eye out for alien hair goo for Major Hair Boy cause the LT says I got to. We all know where THAT one comes from. Now I gotta find garlic for Bates? I tell ya buddy, I can use your help down in Form-Land.

Though I do gotta admit, the hair gel thing is getting critical. Major Hairboy came back through the giant sphincter and his hair was broken. You heard me. Broken. All those little spikey spikes of his were mashed down and bent over and he looked like a crop circle with rank. Last time I saw something that funny was when my brother and me got drunk and made that giant butt in the wheat back home in Iowa. The papers all reported it was aliens and kept tryin' to figure out what it meant. Mel Gibson came to town to visit. We nearly crapped! So you know who's trying to make his mark by saving the Major's hair. They didn't tell me about this in recruiting.

Gearhead

TBC