A/N: Sheppard wanted to send them to the Wraith. McKay voted for the Genii. At the last minute Elizabeth voted them down, so Maggot and Gearhead are back. Heaven help Atlantis, cause they sure won't.

Rated M but only so the kids don't learn a new word or two. I might not read it out loud to the Ladies' Book Club but no words here the average American 13 year old doesn't know and use. In all parts of speech, too.

Best read after Squid Juice. No, wait, that didn't come out right . . . Makes more sense if you read Squid Juice first. There! All better!

Goo

Gearoid took an experimental sniff. The store room smelled stuffy. Cardboard box-y. Not a bit squid-y and he smiled in relief. "There! Perfectly safe, like I told ya."

"That's what you said last time." Maggot heaved a long, miserable sigh and slouched past him into the room. "And look what happened."

"Okay, point." Gearoid studied his friend's dour expression and his blue-and-purple-mottled skin.

"Look, I want you to know, today, there ain't NO squid. No squid, no worms, no oysters, no variety a seafood or inveterans at all. Just . . . just you better stay calm today. You got that?"

Maggot rolled his eyes. "So long as you don't point the wrong end of any living thing my direction, I'll be fine. And for your information, the doc said I was doing much better. I'm almost a normal hue."

Maybe normal for a week old bruise, thought Gearoid. He stifled the urge to say it and pasted a cheerful, reassuring smile on his mug. "Well. I don't think we got anything living in here. 'ceptin the spiders but you already ate a few of them."

Maggot held up a finger. "Only the one, and it was sautayed!"

Gearoid shuddered and backed a step away. "I don't think I'm ever forgettin' you with those fuzzy legs stickin' out of your mouth. That was so gross."

"You're just jealous." Maggot smiled, showing his teeth. "Easiest 40 bucks I ever made."

"Jealous a you and your bugs? I don't THINK so! I would PAY forty bucks not to have to deal with those things." Gearoid turned to the sorting table in the front of the room and tugged a box towards him. "Look, are we gonna argue about what you consider hoot kuizzeen or are we gonna get some work done here? We got a load of shit from the med labs to check in and after all the time we spent in there, I figure we need to stay on their good side."

"All right, all right." Maggot bent at the waist and gestured graciously towards the stack of boxes marked 'Biohazard' and 'Research supplies.' "After you, Mouse-hair. Lead the way."

Gearoid stuck out his tongue, then turned back to his box. "Okay. We got . . .these things. What the hell ARE these? They look like . . .dried lizards?"

"EWWWW, don't touch them! I don't think those are lizards, Gee."

"They look like lizards. They're lizards. Right. Right. We got . . ." Gearoid scowled, counting, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth. "We got twenty three dried lizards. Where's the line on the form for dried lizards? And what the hell do you USE 'em for?"

Maggot stood there making the kind of face that heretofore only Brussels sprouts could evoke. He pointed to the box. "Umm, Gee, I don't think those are dried lizards. They look like...um, male parts."

Gearoid instantly froze, staring at the little things in the box. Made a Brussels sprouts face of his own and choked out, "Ewww! But don't they got little feet? Aren't those feet?"

A long moment of silence fell while both of them studied the contents of the box. Maggot finally shook his head. "Nope. Definitely dried male parts."

"Awww NO. That is so wrong. Maggot, tell me those are lizards and those are lizard feet."

"I don't think so. Looks like little sergeants if you ask me."

"I really wish I hadn't! Oh . . .oh jeez. I TOUCHED 'em! Ewwww!" Gearoid wiped his hands on his pants so hard he damn near pulled 'em off his ass.

Maggot snorted and leered. "Oh,please. After what you did with the lieutenant?"

"I didn't do nothing with the LT. At least nothing I remember!"

"So you say."

"So I say and I'm sticking by it. Okay. So." Gearoid took a deep breath and girded his loins. After all, if the army needed dried parts, it needed dried parts. "What line do you use to, erm, enter male parts on. The jokers what made up inventory forms never figured on this! What CATEGORY do those go under? Are those medical supplies or WHAT?"

"Um, maybe they're for voodoo?"

"I don't got a category for Voodoo, genius. Maybe 'miscellaneous.' You think so? 'Anonymous dried male organs' under miscellaneous'?"

"That works. You know how they fudge the forms, anyway."

"I don't want to think of dicks and fudge, thank you very much."

"Ewwww! You have a sick mind, G."

"And you love me anyway. Okay." He tapped the description into his data pad. "Twenty-three dried dicks."

"Twenty three dried dicks it is." Maggot nodded and reached for the next box. "What is this thing?"

Gearoid paused, eyed it. "That's that arm. From up in Beckett's lab."

"Ewwwwww!" Maggot dropped it. "Yuck!"

Gearoid reached out and picked it up by a pinky finger, then wiggled the whole thing. "You ain't scared of an ARM, are ya? Just a little ARM?"

"Get it away from me! Get it away from me!" Maggot batted at the pale, ugly thing.

Gearoid snickered and put it on the table. He folded down three of the fingers and the thumb and brandished it by the elbow, "Look! Look! It's givin' ya the finger!"

"G, I mean it, get it away from me or you'll be finding purple spiders in your bed."

His tormentor snickered again, then opened the hand back up to a flat palm and shoved it at Maggot. "Tell it to dah HAND!"

Maggot screeched and slapped at the hand."

Gearhead was laughing so hard he could barely stand up straight. He used the thumb to scratch his head. "What's that? Ya givin' me the no-shoulder?"

"G, I mean it. Stop messing around with that thing!"

Lot of good that did. Gearhead just winked and scratched his butt with the thumb, groaning and wiggling.

Maggot rolled his eyes. "G, I only have two words for you. Pervo plants!"

His friend grabbed the hand and started to dance like Fred Astaire with a hat stand, but then he stopped, standing very still. Slowly, he turned, eyes wide. And even more slowly turned the arm in his hands, holding it by the elbow, staring at the palm. And a slow smile, a smile the Grinch would have envied, curled the corners of his lips. "Oh jeez. Oh jeez I am BRILLIANT. Oh my GOD they oughta kick McKay off the place and put me up in dah lab cause I is a certifiable GENIUS!"

"Gearoid, you're starting to scare me. Okay, actually, you're starting to freak me out. I know that expression on your face." Maggot backed up, looking worried. "What is going through that warped little mind of yours?"

"No, no, listen to this. This is great! This is GREAT!"

He brandished the arm. "You know what you said about the LT? He's got a rough life. Pervy plants. Worms like us."

"Yeeeeaaahhhhh, so?"

"I say we should give him . . ." He waved the hand like the wave of the Queen of England, "A HAND!"

For a long moment Maggot just stared at him as though weighing the options, then slowly he began to grin. "You are goin' to be the death of me, you know that?"

"You love it. You KNOW you love it. Tell me it's not brilliant. Just tell me."

"Maybe. But how we gonna get that thing in there?"

"You leave that to me, my little cannon cocking buddy!"

"Hey! Bad memories! No cannon cockers!"

Gearhead grinned. After all, unlike Maggot he'd been successful in sneaking back in, drunk as a skunk. He waggled his eyebrows. "Cause I know something, something most of these guys don't realize. You know when The Brain was testing everybody looking for a Pinky who could open doors?"

"Umm, sure, whatever you say." Maggot suddenly stopped, glared. "Wait a minute. You passed, didn't you? You can open the doors, can't you?"

"Well, I never told ya, and I never told him, but in the middle of that somebody waved a candy bar at him and you know he's like a dog with a bone when you show him chocolate. He had his back turned

and suddenly everything lit up. It ain't reliable, it's like a short circuit's in there, but it lit up. But yeah. I can open the door. Take me a while, but I can do it."

"Holy shit! You been keeping shit from me man? That ain't cool!" Maggot looked highly insulted. He grabbed the arm from Gearhead and smacked him in the face with it.

"Hey, hey, you know I hate that hand to hand stuff!" Gearhead grinned. "I was savin' it as a surprise, kind of! I mean, there you were all blue and shit and I couldn't tell ya then. And before that it just slipped my mind."

"Bullshit, you just wanted to be able to sneak into the girls changing room in the labs without telling me!"

"Hey. Well. Yeah. That's true but still."

"Riiiiight, just slipped your mind." Smacked him again with the arm.

Gearhead ducked another smack attack. "Come on, come on, it's a staff meeting. We got an hour to

get this in there. Then tonight . . ." He chortled evilly.

Maggot felt a brief twinge of common sense, then ignored it. "I swear, I better not turn any strange colors over this."

"What color could you turn? You're already spotty!"

That earned Gearhead a glare and one more clout to the head for good measure.

"Hey, stop it." Gearhead grabbed for the hand and missed. "And it's not like you're the only one who ever had spots. I had spots before. Yeah, it was when I was fourteen and had zits that had zits a their own, but still . . ."

"This is different! I look like a giant plum with dysentery! Its just lucky for me Anya's favorite color is blue."

Gearhead cocked his head and held up his hands like a photographer framing a shot. "Ya look like one of those dinosaur plums. You know, the sort of putrid yellow with purple ones?"

"I AM NOT YELLOW!"

"Heeheheh. Come on. We got evil to do."

"You are such a bad influence." Maggot used the arm to scratch his back, then stopped as he felt it twitch.

Gearhead wasn't paying attention. He was reveling in being an evil mastermind. "That's me. Mr. Bad Example. Mwahaha. And hey, I OWE him one!"

Maggot slowly brought the hand around and studied it. "Um, Gee? Are you sure this thing is, like dead?"

Gearhead snorted in irritated disbelief and grabbed his arm back. "Gimme that."

Well, there was only one possible reply. "Hey! I'm unarmed, help!"

The arm was shaken in his face. "Look at it! It's cut offa some ugly dead guy. It sure as hell IS dead."

"Okay, okay!"

Gearhead frowned at him, then turned, ducking his head out the door to look one way, the

other, ducked back and waved, "Coast is clear!"

They crept out into the hall, Maggot following Gearhead. Maggot waited until they reached a corner, turned it, then whispered, "Um, because you know, I could have sworn I felt it move. You know, twitch twitch?"

A hiss came back over one shoulder. "IT's DEAD. Look at it." Gearhead wiggled it so it waved back over his shoulder at Maggot. That was fine. Until it gave Maggot the finger.

"AHHHHHHHH!" Maggot shrieked like a girl and smacked it out of Gearoid's hand.

The disarmed man rounded on him. "Will you SHUT UP. You're gonna give us away."

"It it it it it! Look at it!" Maggot grabbed Gearoid by the chin and turned his head to the twitchy thing. Which was, irritatingly, not twitching or doing anything else besides just lying there.

Gearoid scooped up his arm again, singing, "Just a helping hand . . ."

"G, put the hand down! I mean it!" A frantic whisper, "It ain't dead! Geeeee!"

"It's cut OFFA some icky Wraith guy's BODY. What, you never took high school biology? This is NOT like an earthworm."

"Yeah, and I'm not blue and you weren't raped by a plant!"

"Calm down. You sound like a girly girl in a horror movie. Before long you're gonna tell me you're sure we're being followed."

Maggot looked over shoulder to see if they were being followed.

Gearhead groused, "And I was not raped. It just wasn't necessarily consensual."

"Oh, yeah, tell it to the hand," Maggot mimicked his voice.

"Look," Gearhead spun around and held the ugly thing by its thumb and pinky, dangling, with a finger up his nose. "It's harmless. It's dead."

Maggot poked it. It didn't move. It hung there. Ugly, picking a human nose. Maggot glared at it. "I'm telling you, man, it moved!"

"You still got that blue goo and squid ink going to your head."

Maggot slapped the arm. "You moved, didn't you, you piece of alien shit?"

"Will you quit slappin' my hand around?"

"Its a bad hand!" He turned back and tucked the forearm under his arm. The hand waved genteely.

"AGGHHHHH! See, see, it moved!" He grabbed the hand and threw it to the ground, stomping on it.

"Give me that! You ain't played enough poker ot know what a bad hand looks like. Now will you shut up and come on?"

"Bad hand, bad hand!" Stomping.

"It's just lying there." Gearoid scooped it back up and clutched it to his chest like a teddy bear.

"There, there, I won't let the bad, violent private get you baby."

"G, let the bad hand go! I mean it, man, it's EVIL!"

"It's not evil, it's just sick. You are not acting reasonable!" Gearhead stalked off.

Maggot chased him. "No, you're sick! Give me that!" He grabbed for the hand.

Gearhead skipped out of reach. "I'M not acting reasonable? I'm not the one who thinks a dead, cut off arm is evil."

Maggot lunged and tried to get the nasty thing away from him. Gearhead danced back, holding it over his head like a kid playing keepaway. "Will you come ON! We're gonna get caught."

Maggot glared from the hand to Gee. "Fine, but if it decides to start strangling you, don't look to me for help."

"Fine. Fine. IF it starts strangling me you can have my silk boxers. I already promised the sheets to The Babe."

"Oh, I see where I stand," Maggot mutters, glaring at the hand.

"I"m letting you get into my undies! Ain't that close enough for ya?"

"Shut up, Gearhead!"

"I'm not the one who started this."

Maggot slunk along behind Gearhead, keeping an eye on the evil thing.

The hand just lay there, quietly, until they get to the lieutenant's door. Where Gearhead stared at the door. "Open SESAME!"

The door didn't open.

He stomped his food. "Abracadabra!"

Maggot snorted and the door did nothing.

"Open the fuck UP!"

It opened.

Gearhead smiled and made a "tahdahhh!" gesture. "There! I always knew fuck was the magic word!"

"Good job. Now can we get this over with? That thing gives me the creeps."

"That's what it's SUPPOSED to do. Just think about Ell Tee Ess Eff Bee!" Gearoid snickered and slunk into the lieutenant's quarters. "Hey, HE's got a window!"

"Yeah, yeah, just stick it in his bed and let's get the hell out of here!

"I don't got a window!"

"What do you expect? He's an LT!"

Gearhead was poking around. "Who'd HE blow?"

Maggot snickered. "Maybe if you blow the Major he'll give you windows too. Besides, you have silk sheets, and I don't have silk sheets."

Gearhead shot him a dirty look. "On second thought, I do NOT wanna know how he got his window."

"Oh, afraid to dredge up memories? Poor thing."

"Look, I thought we discussed this. The LT and me, nothin' went on."

"All right already, whatever you say. So, can we do this and get out of here?" Maggot stood there shifting his weight from one leg to the other, nervously watching the door behind him.

Gearoid snuck around the room on tippy toes, even though there was no

one there to tippy toe around. "This is a work of art and ya can't rush art."

"Just put the stupid thing in his bed and let's go!" Maggot hissed.

Gearhead pulled back the covers and tucked in his arm,pulling the coverlet up to the fingers. Stood back and considered the effect. Turned his head one way, the other, tilted it back and tapped a finger to his chin. "Nah. I think that's a little obvious."

"Oh for crying out loud! Let me!" Maggot reached past him and shoved the arm under the pillow and the covers.

"Careful, careful!" snapped Gearhead. "Look at that, he'll know for sure someone's been in here.

"Jeez! Will you just get it done? I want to get out of here!"

Gearhead smiled, leaned down and lifted the pillow to tuck in his pet, then chuckled. "Look at this. He's got porn under here! Oooh, this'll be perfect!"

"Great, perfect, are you done yet?"

"The devil is in the details . . ." Gearhead did a little last tidying of rumpled covers and pillowcase, then clapped his hands. "Perfect, Maggot! Yeah. Like THAT!"

"Gearhead, time line, remember?"

"Right, right. Can't get caught up in rosy visions. Right."

"Lets go! We still have lizard parts to inventory."

Gearhead nodded, satisfied smirk on his face, and turned to head for the door. Only to stop, back up, spin with a look on his face. A bad look. "Whoops."

Maggot stared. "What? What is whoops?"

"Oh jeez, oh jeez, we gotta hide!"

"WHAT?"

"Under the bed! Now!"

"Oh for . . .!" Maggot cursed but he also dove under the bed.

Gearoid didn't waste any time following, squeezing up next to him on Ancient floors that somehow seemed to be dust-bunny-proof.

Maggot was glaring at him. Suddenly he leaned in close, lips to Gearoid's ear, to ask, "What the hell are we doing?"

"Hiding!" He mouthed.

"Why?"

"Be quiet!"

Maggot might have been about to ask why, but that question was answered when the door opened. Both of them froze. Army boots stomped in. Maggot was holding his breath. Gearhead was nibbling his lip.

The lieutenant was humming something from Sweeney Todd, which both of them knew having been told about his favorite musical more times than they liked to recall.

Ah yes, that tenor rose up, singing, "Well, then, if you're British and loyal/

You might enjoy Royal Marine/Anyway, it's clean./Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!"

Gearoid made a face and squeezed up even tighter against Maggot. Who snickered inaudibly and whispered, "Hey, G, how could he like a marine more'n you?" into his ear.

He stuck out his tongue and put his hand over Maggot's mouth, whispering "SHUT UP!"

Too late he remembered Maggot was the man who'd eat anything, when his buddy licked his lips. Gearhead felt what he assumed was an evil leer, judging from the way Maggot waggled his eyebrows, but at least he was quiet.

There was a lot of rustling and then the bed squeaked as the lieutenant sat down on it. One foot was lifted and there was a bit of grunting.

Maggot wiggled closer to Gearoid to get away from the indent. Gearoid thumped his head on the floor - silently - and rolled his eyes.

There was a moan of pleasure and then "Yes, piggly wigglies, breathe FREE little feet! I come to save you from the dungeon of THE BOOT!"

Maggot was turning purple again trying not to laugh. Gearoid was turning purple too, both hands over his mouth, shaking with laughter. The two of them shared a look and nearly strangled on their tongues as they tried not to make a sound.

The lieutenant crooned, "I shall slay the evil boot and cast aside the bondage of the SOCK in which you have so long endured!"

Maggot biting his fingers, trying to keep from bursting out when there was a sudden jerk of the bed over their heads and a scream so shrill it could break glass, and suddenly the feet, one booted

and one bare, raced towards a door that opened automatically.

Maggot nearly magenta, could finally give in to his howls while Gearoid lost it, shaking with laughter as he rolled out from under the bed. "Oh, I gotta see I gotta see!"

Maggot could only lay there and gasp for breath. Gearoid, hands on knees, turned back to him. "See? See? Din't I tell ya that'd be GREAT?"

Maggot just nods as he rolled the rest of the way from under the bed, sobbing with laughter.

Gearoid's eyes gleamed. "And you dared to doubt. Oh ye of little fuckin' faith."

"Be - be free little piggly wigglies!" Maggot gasped. "I shall slay the sock!"

Gearoid rubbed tears of laughter off his face. "Oh crap I nearly shit myself tryin' not to laugh out

loud!"

There's another shrill scream from the hallway, and then "OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?"

Maggot stopped laughing. Gearoid paused, gasping, puzzled. "Huh?"

Maggot sat up fast and dashed for the doorway, "I told you that thing moved!"

Gunshots rang staccato in the hallway as Maggot ran through a door that, thankfully, opened for him. Gearoid was right behind him, muttering, "Oh, shit!"

"We are sooooo dead!"

"You can say that again!"

"Follow it! Follow it! We have to get it back!"

"Follow what, Maggot? We don't even know what it IS yet! Maybe it's somebody ELSE'S fuckup! You don't know it's us."

Maggot just glared at him. "Did you see that fucking arm lying around in there? Did you? No, because it was hanging on the LT's butt!"

"You couldn't see that! We only saw his feet!"

"Maybe not, but I can see -" They rounded a corner and Maggot pointed, "THAT!" There, at the other end of the hall, they could see the grisly end of an arm flailing in midair as it disappeared around the corner.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Get it, get it!" Maggot barreled down the hall after the lieutenant and his unwanted hitchhiker.

Gearoid took a deep breath then gave chase. "Come back here you lily livered limb!"

"Oh, Gods!" Maggot gasped, "He's heading for the cafeteria! Why the hell is he going there?"

The lieutenant's screams and those of everyone he passed told them they were still on the right trail as they dashed around yet more corners, down more corridors. Every so often they'd catch a glimpse of the lieutenant, and more specifically his butt, where a pale hand clung tight and an arm bounced along behind him.

Gearoid yelled, "LT! We'll help!"

Maggot called reassurance, "Hold on, sir!"

And from far down the hall, a hiccupping howl of, "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" rang out with occasional counterpoint of witnesses' "AAAAAAAAHHHHH!"s.

"Sir, you gotta let us catch ya!" yelled one desperate private.

"Catch him Gearoid, grab it! Grab it! Sir, would you fucking STOP!"

As they cleared the cafeteria doors, Gearoid threw himself in an all-out tackle. He missed

the lieutenant but he got the elbow and the hand was ripped loose, taking the back of the LT's pants with it.

"Smash it! Stomp it!" Maggot yelled, trying to stomp on the thing.

The lieutenant, Tweety Bird briefs in full view, dashed away unencumbered. The hand, meanwhile tried to pull itself out of Gearoid's reach as Gearoid, for his part, tried to get a better grip further up its length. It stopped, turned, and demonstrated that the Three Stooges were eternal as it struck like a snake, once, duck, twice, duck, third time in the eyes, and Gearoid dropped it and yelped, grabbing his face.

"No you don't!" Maggot stomped on it, but the wily hand pulled back and the stomp missed and got Gearhead instead. "OUCH!" That was all it took and the hand scuttled away, dashing on nimble fingertips to freedom!

Gearhead rolled, yelping, "OW OW OW OW OW!" as Maggot turned to the pursuit. Over his shoulder he yelled, "Gee, you ok?" It was a fatal error as a panicking diner leaped back, knocked over a chair, which fell in Maggot's path. He saw the barrier at the last moment and fell back, only to step on Gearhead, still curled up on the floor. Maggot fell on him, knocking what little air was left in him back out. Halfway across the floor he saw a severed elbow waggle past a line of chairs as the arm made a break for open air. "It's getting away!"

"Oh CRAP, Gee, it's getting away!" Maggot tried to stand up, kneeing Gearoid in his haste. "Oooooh! My nutssss!" Gearhead's voice went very high and thin.

Maggot winced in sympathy, "Sorry! You wait here, I'll go chase it!"

"okay!"

Finally reaching his feet, Maggot yelled, "You mother fucker! Just you wait until I get

BOTH my hands on you!"

He couldn't immediately see it, but shrieks from the lunch line were a pretty good clue. And while both Gearoid and Maggot had grown used to shrieks from lunchlines since joining the army, these had a slightly more ominous tenor.

Maggot paused, turned back. "Sorry G, but it's gonna take us both to get that arm." He pulled Gearoid to his feet and dragged him along to the lunch line. Gearoid scooted, hunched over and clutching his groin, muttering dire threats.

Maggot's attention was everywhere, looking for a sign. The muttering was just a nuisance. "Quit whining you big baby! There was barely anything to hit."

"Oh, the sergeant just got busted in rank! Just you wait until I can stand up." Gearoid paused, peering through the sneeze guard. His eyes widened. "Oh jeez, is that it? Over there in the egg salad?"

"Yeah, holding the tuna fish sandwhich!"

Gearoid stumbled to lean against the tray railing. "You can't mix those together!"

"Tell it to the sandwich!"

A pretty young woman was sneaking up behind the hand, poised to pounce. She realized her mistake an instant too late as the hand turned, squeezed the sandwich and tuna caught her in the face. "Aaaaggghhhh!"

Maggot jumped over the counter, trying to tackle the thing. He got his hand on its wrist and shouted in triumph, "I got it! I got it!" Unfortunately, he had planted a boot in orange jello. He might have had a chance with lime, but orange . . . notoriously unstable. An instant later the jello betrayed him and he slid face first into the pickled beets. The hand slapped down on the back of his head and

finger-walked down his back, pinched his butt and leapt off into the meatloaf.

Blinded by pickle juice and stained magenta to go with his blue and purple spots, Maggot cried out, "Get it Gee!"

Gearoid, still hunched, tried to grab it and was pelted by boiled potatoes and Athosian squash. Maggot, still trapped between jello and beets, tried to stand but slipped and went down again. He finally grabbed a tray and slapped at the hand, where it had taken a stand among the side dishes. He had to admit, it was a strategically superior position as the potatoes were far better weapons than meatloaf or chicken surprise.

Gearoid, seeing his buddy mired in main dishes, rallied and infiltrated through the dessert rack. "Goddamn you get back here! You're all over dah place worse than Mary Ellen Potocki on our first date!"

Maggot was still bravely trying to stand, but he slipped and did the splits just as another vegetable missile caught him in the nose. "OW! EEEP!"

The hand scuttled between his split legs, catching him in the crotch with a flailing elbow. It was the final indignity. Maggot's eyes crossed and he rolled out of the food and onto the floor. Gearoid was still standing, barely, when an irritated voice, with the snap that could only belong to a senior officer, demanded, "What the HELL is going on here?"

Maggot and Gearoid looked towards the door to see a small crowd of senior staff, including Major Sheppard, Hairboy himself, unsuspectingly glaring at the mayhem. The pair opened their mouths to warn him but it was too late. A potato got him in the forehead. Hard. And he went down in a stunned heap.

"Hello, sir," Maggot squeaked out.

Gearoid, nursing sore nuts, bruised eyes, and a bloody nose from a potato, looked over to find the major wrestling with a hand that was trying to scramble up his chest. His voice didn't have the snap but it sure as hell had the irritation as he yelped, "What the hell is this!"

The hand was clearly knew a good thing when it learned it. It went for the Stooges routine again, poking left, right, center and the major squealed, curled up, grabbing his face as the hand scampered off.

Maggot crawled to his knees and tried to stand, trying to help Gearhead up along the way. "Come on, we gotta help them."

Gearoid groaned and stayed hunched over, but peered towards the door. "Oh shit."

Maggot followed his gaze to where Kavanaugh, PonyTail himself, felt a hand run over his foot, screamed like a girl and threw his tray into the air. Soup, bread, and peanut-butter-and-jelly showered the region. Kavanaugh himself went up in the air, and down on his butt.

Gearoid winced. "Oh, that has gotta hurt."

Behind Kavanaugh, the flying tray caught Elizabeth Weir who tried to

duck, and wound up landing on Kavanaugh knees first.

Gearoid winced again. "And that's gotta hurt worse."

Maggot scrunched up his face and nodded, "Ohhhh, that's gotta suck!"

Beside Weir, McKay yelped, dodged, and Zelenka stomped hard on the hand, yelling, "Is hand!" The hand, anticipating the move, grabbed his ankle and twisted and the little Czech went down hard into the Canadian astrophysicist, causing a domino effect which overturned another three people in a row.

Gearoid, seeing the impending disaster, reached out and grabbed the back of Maggot's shirt. "Maggot, MAGGOT!"

A horrified Maggot finally looked back, "What?"

"We gotta get out outta here! We get out of here now, and maybe they won't know we had anything to do with it."

Maggot snatched at the hope, "We'll just say we ran into the LT and tried to help."

Gearhead nodded, "Yeah. Yeah. That's it! We'll say we never saw the thing!"

Maggot smacked Gearhead to get some sense into him. "Of course we saw the thing! We were trying to capture it! But we didn't know about it until we ran into him!"

Gearhead warmed to the theme as they made for the back exit, "It came from the lab geeks after all. It's THEIR hand! Yeah, yeah, that works. That's good, Maggot, that's GOOD!"

"Of course it is, now get it together!"

Gearoid, still gasping and a bit green around the gills, made for the store room. "Come on, come on, we got dicks to list."

Maggot followed, trying to walk without grabbing his balls. Behind them were shouts and screams and the sound of crashing cutlery and dishware. But before them lay the safe, sane haven of the stock room where they found their nice, quiet box of dicks. Gearoid peered into it and said "These don't move, do they?"

Maggot snorted, "Even if they do, you won't listen to me! Just open the box and look."

"I always listen to you. I just don't do anything about it."

"Shut up!" Maggot slapped the back of his head.

Gearhead ignored him and poked the box, listening. Poked it again. "I don't hear nothing."

Maggot slapped it. "I think its safe."

Gearhead flipped open the lid and peered nervously in. "One-two-three . . .mannny!"

"What?" Maggot looked in.

"There's twenty three there, right?"

"Yeah, twenty three dicks."

"Whooo."

"What? What?"

Gearoid leaned back against a wall. "I'm exhausted. I think that's enough work for today."

"Oh, yeah." Maggot sank down to the floor.

Gearoid settled down next to him. "Man, this job is ROUGH. The officers got it easy."

Maggot started to giggle, just a little.

Gearhead sighed. "There's just one thing."

"Uh, oh! What?"

"You know . . . you're red?"

"What!" Maggot stared at him.

"Yeah. Red. Beet red. Like, pickled beets. In fact . . ." Gearhead reached over

and fished one out of his collar. "That's exactly the shade."

"Shut up." Maggot punched him in the nose.

"OWWWW! What'd I do?"

"I told you what I would do if I turned color again."

"You did NOBB!"

Maggot shrugged, flinging beet and tuna salad on the floor. "I look like an easter egg. I am never leaving my room again."

"Yeah, you do kinda look like an Easter Egg. You know how they get dyed in half and the other half stays a different color? You're kinda black for your hair, and blotchy, and red on one half."

Maggot glared.

Gearhead snickered. Looked at the glare. Snickered again. "Piggly wigglies."

"I will slay the evil sock."

The two of them together sang out, "Since marine doesn't appeal to you, 'ow about... rear admiral/ Too salty. I prefer general./With, or without his privates? "With" is extra."

Which was quite enough work for them for one day, yes indeed.

Well, surprise surprise! Will the powers that be ever get any WORK out of these two? Will they figure out their dastardly secret? And will Major Sheppard figure out where that new table lamp in his room came from - you know, the one wearing fishnet stockings and holding up the lampshade, the one that never worked?

TBC

Goo