Chapter 39

February rolled around, leaving Sirius at three months. Ana continued to grow into the most adorable child on the planet, while causing as much mischief and trouble that her little mind could think about. It surprised both James and Sirius how similar she was to Sirius. Not only in appearance but also in personality. James continued his school, doing very well and expecting to get a job soon. Sirius was going to look for a job, but decided that while he was pregnant that would be a very bad idea. However, whenever Sirius needed some time away from his daughter, he would either take her to the Potters' house for Mrs. Potter to watch over her, or to Lily and Remus's house. On January 20, Remus had proposed to Lily, who had accepted. Their wedding was set for April 21, but they were already planning it, down to what color the napkins would be.

Meanwhile, Sirius was at the doctor, making certain that he and the baby were both alright.

"Well, Sirius, you've been doing everything right from what I can tell," the doctor said as Sirius hopped off of the table to stand up. "You're eating healthy, not doing anything that could possibly hurt either of you, and not getting overly stressed about things. I see no reason why something should be wrong."

"Thanks, doc," Sirius said, smiling at his name for his doctor. He hated it and Sirius knew it. "So, I'll see you in another month?"

"Yep, unless you have some weird complication or any questions."

Sirius smiled and left the office, ready to go home. However, he could not apparate as he didn't feel it safe to apparate while pregnant. So he was stuck taking the train back to their house. He boarded it and settled back with a sigh. It was going to be a long trip.

dun dun dun

James sat at home, flipping through channels in a very bored fashion. He was all alone and it was his own fault. His mother had been by to ask if she could take Ana for a shopping trip and he had foolishly said yes, forgetting that Sirius would be gone for most of the day. He stood up in frustration.

"There's gotta be something interesting to do," he snarled to himself and began wandering around the house to find something to do. He wandered into his bedroom and lay down on the bed. There was a book sitting next to Sirius's side of the bed. He picked it up curiously. It was Sirius's journal. After glancing around to make certain that no one was around, he opened it. He knew that it was wrong, but he really was bored. Plus, what Sirius didn't know couldn't hurt him, right?

He turned it to the first page. It was dated July 14 and read:

I can't believe this is happening, every night. I get beaten, raped, and verbally abused. I used to say I feared nothing but death, but I do now. I fear this pain, this hurt, this humiliation. And the funny thing is that I can't do anything about it. I've also learned that I fear rejection. Not from my family, they're not worth worrying about, but James…I have always loved him and now he'll never want to be with someone like me. I had had hopes after he...ah, but what does it matter. I hear footsteps on the stairs. It's funny how this experience has heightened my awareness to every little movement or noise.

James stopped reading it and flipped back a few pages. The date was August 15. It read:

This is my life. This is what I've been reduced to. Is it even worth it? Not really. I won't die though, I won't give up. That would make them happy. I'm going to defeat them someday and they'll regret what they've always done to me. Happy thoughts…tomorrow I get to go to Diagon Alley to get my items for Hogwarts. It's only fifteen days away! I don't know if I'll actually survive until then…

James growled in anger as he turned the pages until he found the date September 2.

I'm back at Hogwarts, but both Remus and James notice that something is wrong. I don't want to explain it to them, especially James. I don't want to see the pity shining through their eyes. I know they'll find out someday, but does it have to be now? I'm so tired, but if I sleep I'll dream and if I dream it'll most likely be a nightmare about what happened. Maybe I'll just stay up all night.

James smiled and turned the page.

James knows. I told him last night. Thing is, he doesn't seem horrified. In fact, he told me that he liked me too. I accidentally let that slip while I was yelling at him. I love him so much. I'm so glad that I have a best friend like him.

September 19

I'm pregnant with my rapists child. I don't know what to do. I can't raise a child! I can barely take care of myself. I can't kill it though. That would be so cruel. But…what if James doesn't want a baby? After all, I'm ruining his life already. A baby would destroy everything. But…

James sighed and flipped to the back almost. The date was February 12.

Miserable children! They won't stop kicking and it hurts. I can't wait until they're out of me. Ha, how ironic. I know I'll miss them once they're gone. I'm so happy. I can't wait. I'm still not ready to be a parent, but considering I had no choice in the matter, I'm ready! Or as ready as I'm going to get. Oh the excitement.

June 13

James celebrated my birthday in the most perfect way possible. He's way too good for me, even if he won't admit it. He put a blindfold over my eyes and led me around to all of the places that were important to me. I loved it. It was so different and it brought back excellent memories that I never want to forget. I will though, someday, I'll forget all of the awesome things that have happened to me and all that will be left of me is an empty black hole that replays the horrible scenes of my life. I cannot imagine forgetting that, but as it is I'm already forgetting what we've done at Hogwarts. I dread the day when I can't remember anything…

James frowned. Why would Sirius forget about the fun at Hogwarts? It didn't seem possible. Most of the good times that they had had were still fresh, engraved in James's mind. He went back a few pages to May 3.

We had a fight. And it's all my fault. Good. I couldn't let my family hurt the Potters. I could never do that to them. But Ana…I love her so much. I hate letting her go. But why should she suffer because her dad is the failure of the family? I can't got home though. I don't know what to do. I broke my boyfriend's heart and basically threw my daughter away. Maybe I'll just run away. Hey, that's a good idea. Ha, I've gotta go pack!

"What are you doing?" a cold voice asked. James looked up and saw a barely contained Sirius standing above him.

"I'm um…I don't know actually. You see there was nothing to do and it was just sitting here. You know, you should really consider locking your diary journal thing. It's very tempting. I don't really have-"

"I didn't think that I needed to lock it!" he shouted, angrier than James had ever seen him. "I trusted you. That's my private journal, my private thoughts. And while, if you had asked to read it, I probably would have said yes, you didn't. Those are my thoughts that I intended to share with you on my own time, not when you decide, 'hey I'm bored, let's see what Sirius has been thinking for the past two years'."

With that, he spun on his heel, fully intending to leave. James got up and rushed after him. He had screwed up royally, he had to apologize. Sirius was walking down the stairs and grabbed his coat. "I'll be at Lily's and Remus's," he said, without turning around. And he left.

James stood on the stairs, wondering what had just happened.

A.N. oh well. Arguments happen. Please review, and thanks!