"Mum, when you're inside, you lose track of days and you don't like to ask when you're due out in case you've built up your hopes and you've got it wrong." Lauren mumbled sleepily into the mouthpiece of the phone and kept her voice down low as if she had suddenly gone tired after a long chat with mum. In reality, her mind was working as sharp as ever and better than she let on. She knew that she was due out in two months time just in time for her mother's fiftieth birthday but she wanted to keep this a surprise. The one phone was situated in a corner of the ground floor of G Wing tucked under the metal staircase. At all costs, she wanted to avoid Denny overhearing her on the subject.
She had recently witnessed Denny come back on the wing after two weeks of detox looking like death warmed up. There were dark circles under her eyes from catching up on all the lost sleep that amphetamine had kept her away from. It wasn't the easiest of situations from even the most tactful of the prison officers as Denny was still edgy and paranoid. It made her hearing all the more acute even though the demons in her head intercepted and distorted what passed between ears and brain. It was just a matter of time before that passed. It would be just Lauren's luck for Denny's quirky hearing to overhear her at the wrong time, coming down the staircase for instance.
"I'd love to get you something for your birthday and get it to you somehow, I won't have anything much though. You don't get to save much out of personal spends and I don't smoke less than I used to."
Her face broke into a grin as Yvonne told her not to be a soft sod. Yvonne was at pains not to tell her how much she was missing her. Trigger put a paw on Yvonne's knee as if to signify his agreement.
"I won't be able to keep an eye on Denny in future for you. I only hope the Julies keep a proper eye on her. Gotta go now as the pips are going."
Lauren put the phone down just as she sensed coming down the stairs the distinct footfall and the bottom of Denny's unmistakable khaki brown army trousers. She moved like lightning away from the phone and greeted her as Denny came to the bottom of the staircase. Just then, the bell for association rang and the prisoners filtered towards the bars of the prison gate
"You there, Lauren. I thought you'd bleeding disappeared. They do that to you sometimes."
There was an unsettling stare in Lauren's direction that worried the other woman. It had happened to her a number of years ago when Shaz had not come down from her cell on the threes and that cow Bodybag had suggested that she see for herself. She'd gone upstairs and in place of what she expected to see, some tart that she knew later to be Snowball Merriman was in Shaz's place and all her stuff was spread out in Shaz's cell. She never got over that shock, most of all when she was coming down off the speed.
"Oh yeah, like I got myself stashed inside Bodybag's handbag. I'm not that small and even she would notice."
"Just checking, man. Only I get worried if I can't see you."
The beginning of a foolish grin stole across Denny's face for the first time since she had gone to see Shell in Ashmore. The combination of Lauren's breezy reassuring manner and her bright smile started to disperse some of the dark clouds in her mind.
"The sun's shining, Denny. Today is a good day to be outside."
Denny didn't answer even though the sun shone invitingly from the opening to the association yard and brightened up that part of G Wing. Colin was on the gates, which were swung wide open and was smiling in encouragement, gesturing to Denny to join with the others who were passing through.
"Come on, sis. You've been shut away too long. Follow me. I'll look after you."
Denny clutched at Lauren's hand and tagged on after her after Lauren softly and insistently repeated her suggestion. Immediately the sun zeroed in on her with fierce sunbeams and she felt dizzy as she stood at the top of the stone staircase. She was impossibly high up off the ground. She clutched onto the concrete stone wall that ran alongside the stone staircase, which slanted down to the grass below.
"Hey, Denny, come outside with us and get some fresh air, mate. You look as pale as death." Julie Saunders kindly voice broke in on her sweating fears of what she couldn't put into words.
Denny looked wildly around her and up into the sky. The massive wall of the prison wing seemed to lean dangerously over her head as if it would fall on her. It scared the shit out of her. She clung onto the stone wall, her face sweating.
"Take a seat, Denny." Dominic's gentle voice materialized from behind her. It was as well that he was there and not Bodybag. She would have tried to get her to go bundle her out of the way as she was blocking the way. If she'd frigging done that, she'd end up down the block and in trouble again.
"You move when you're ready. You give it a bit and you'll be all right. If you're not well, I'll call for the doctor.
"I ain't having any more bleeding stuff in me. I want to be real," Denny almost screamed.
Dominic nodded understandingly as a little crowd gathered around her protectively. Eventually, she found the strength to edge her way down the stone staircase, pressing in against the protective stone shelf next to her. With legs like jelly, she found herself in the open yard. She breathed in and out loudly, filling her lungs with clean fresh air. Everything was sharp edged painted in almost unbearably fresh colours. She had not been outside for a lifetime. Lauren took her by the arm for a bit till and they walked along the close-cropped grass in a world, which had returned to normal. She felt a little pleasantly drained and free from that constant pumped up feeling which hammered its way through her veins. All that shit frightened her as she thought about it and this was all the worse as she had felt so great, so unconquerable at the time.
"I want to sit down for a bit," Denny said suddenly when they came to a corner of the yard. A short stone flight of steps no more than about three feet high was convenient to hand. They sat down side-by-side and the whole exercise yard opened out for what seemed like miles. The solid grey stonework of the prison buildings felt comfortably distanced.
"I've been pretty stupid recently Lauren, haven't I," Denny suddenly said. She had to get out the words before she had a chance to think about it.
"We've all messed up from time to time."
Denny shook her head in disbelief. If anything went wrong with her, it was the worst thing in the world to her and no one could feel as inadequate and stupid as Denny did.
Lauren seemed too perfect and strong and that made her feel uncomfortable for a sister. It ran in the family except mums were there to confess everything to and to be made better. There was never any remote idea of comparing herself to her like there was with Lauren. That was what made it so easily tempting to get back with Shell as they could both be bad and negative together.
"Not as much as I do. That's the story of my life."
"Look at me, Denny. The way I set out to kill Fenner messed things up between Mum and Karen, I mean Miss Betts," Lauren hesitated for a moment as the image of the current Governing Governor who was her jailor clashed with the rival for her mother's affections, something and someone who had really churned her up inside. "I went to pieces for a long time when I first came here. You were the strong one then."
A flash of impatience ran through Denny. She wanted to get everything out of her head and Lauren was leading her away from the point, kind hearted though she was.
"Just one day, that's all it took. I went to see Shell at Ashmore and I came out a different woman. How does she do that to me? I really really want to see her out of that place. What do I do?"
Her eyes appealed to Lauren to say and do the right thing. It was a hell of a responsibility for something where the news was going to be bad. She said nothing for a second but slipped her arm round her shoulders protectively. For once, Denny's body wasn't rock hard in rejection of pity or sympathy. She didn't have to be strong and hard like that demon voice in her head was telling her to be.
"I don't know the answer to that one, sis. You can't expect that what you want to happen will happen. She should never be in that place but that's not the same as saying that she'll get out easily especially as if Miss Betts has been on the case. Do you want her to come back here?"
Denny didn't know the answer to this one. She just wanted her to be out of that muppet house. She hadn't thought any further than that.
"There's another thing that's bothering me, Lauren. It's this time of the year since Shaz died in that fire. Do you know, I haven't thought of her this last month. I ain't right in the head if I can be that way."
Denny dissolved into tears when that thought struck home with all the force of an arrow. She was in some bleeding fantasy and off her head. She must be bad to forget her this way. She had promised herself that she would never do a thing like that. What else was the point of that special bush out there in the garden dedicated to her?
"Who do you prefer, Shaz or Shell?" Lauren asked quietly into the curls of her hair.
"I don't know," mumbled Denny. "I love Shaz and everything she meant to me. She made me feel young again. Shell tempts me to be like she is. I can't explain it. I don't get anything right now."
Denny's broken words fizzled to a stop. She was done in and brain dead. Only the warm air, which brushed past, them answered them and the way the Julies had caught up with them and hovered sympathetically nearby as if they were standing guard over them. Denny couldn't see them but sensed that they were there.
By total contrast, Karen was buried deep within the bowels of the prison administration block in her office with her own set of worries. This was Ross's birthday and for once in his life since he had left home, she had heard nothing from him. She didn't even know where he lived, so distant they were from each other and she sensed that if she did visit him, he would be living a life of total squalour. He wasn't exactly domesticated when he lived at home but teenage boys were like that. The only lifeline that she had with him was his mobile even if, more often than not, he would make the few polite nothings before cadging money off her. Whether she refused, he acted like the archetypal teenage spoilt brat. It wasn't fair on her, as she never brought him up to be this way. He never let up making her feel guilty. Despite these mutual resentments, one delicate last winter flower was left of happier times, that he never failed to be in contact on his birthday. There was another curious feature of him that he never failed to be contactable on his mobile. She would have expected to hear the continuous sound of a dead mobile and that he had been disorganised so that he hadn't got money for the 'pay as you go' card. That had never happened to him and she thought fondly that this quirk was the only faint trace of the steadiness that she had tried what felt a lifetime to teach him. She guessed that his finances were a mess. On this time, it didn't happen. Again and again, that last trace of him, his name and mobile number came up and there was no sound, nothing. It felt as if the last umbilical cord were cut and she was worried.