I'm No Angel But I Can Make You Smile
Disclaimer: I think we all know who Harry Potter and his entities belong to. Sirius' attitude in this fic (which will hopefully develop in forthcoming chapters to be far from debonair or appealing in any way) belongs to a certain boy with whom I went to school with and whose arrogance I loathed with every ounce of my being. Especially when he made a habit of holding doors open for me. Ideal Husband belongs to the greatest playwright ever, Oscar Wilde. And yes, I know some of the jokes are OOC. Don't flame me about them. Just enjoy them, darnit. :)
A/N: My other fics are better-written, wittier, more thought-provoking, truer to character, etc. This is just a fun, lighthearted thing to read if you want something to amuse you on a boring afternoon. Don't yell at me. If you are looking for class, try my other works.:) I was bored and hyper…so…yeah…
Chapter One
"Ugh. Potter, the only 'fab four' I would ever 'swoon over,' as you so eloquently put it, is the Beatles."
"The who? Evans, speak wizard to me for once."
Lily was really a very sweet, good-natured, friendly person. "Uncommonly kind" was the term Remus had used last week during their Prefect's meeting and that which made her blush. However, if there was one person in the world who could push her buttons in all the wrong ways, it was a certain James "Bighead" Potter. And since every pain in the bum needed an accomplice, Sirius "Biggerhead" Black had also earned a place on her hit list.
Those two were arrogant, snotty, bullying, lazy, smart-aleck Casanovas who thought they were so exceedingly smooth and cool, that they made their sole purpose in the grand scheme of the universe causing absolutely juvenile mayhem and terrorizing anyone not as fantastic as they. Especially poor Severus Snape. What had he ever done to them anyway?
If you were to look up "pet peeve" in the Encyclopedia of Lily's life, you would encounter photographs of Messers Prongs and Padfoot, respectively. She utterly loathed them. And not in that "I love to hate them" kind of way, either. There was absolutely nothing in her heartbut pure and unadulterated disdain reserved for Hogwarts' most popular dynamic duo.
And just for good measure, Lily buried her nose in a notebook plastered with pictures of Ringo, Paul, George, and John (whom Lily secretly regarded as the cutest) and made a point of "studying" for Intermediate Muggle Studies as "a quiz of any kind is looming on the horizon" warned the professor.
"Beetles? Padfoot, how do you think I'd look as a centipede?"
James, having been raised completely in the wizarding world and furthermore, a member of the male gender had A.) Missed the point entirely and B.) Was not going to get over this.
He made a point of talking louder than usual for the benefit one ruby-haired Prefect walking a few steps in front of him. Receiving not even a disapproving glance from her, he tried again. James made a face and wriggled his fingers on either side of his head (as if to signal, "CENTIPEEEEEDE!") as Sirius pompously ran a hand through his hair, making the row of girls on either side of the corridor sigh and giggle.
Lily screwed her face up into a perfect snicker and restrained the urge to hex them all the way into next week as they discussed their tactics and strategy for how they would serve afternoon detention again, an afternoon detention that she would have to endure supervising. She was almost certain they actually signed themselves into disciplinary study hall on the days she had duty. And that irritated her even more because although she was the brightest witch Hogwarts had seen in a good many years, she could not figure out how they managed it.
Almost as if reading her mind, Sirius quipped, "You may expect the pleasure of our company all this afternoon, milady."
Lily whipped her head around to glare at him and retort.
James adjusted his Quidditch blazer to accentuate his "toned Chaser's physique" ("Laughable toothpicks" was Lily's descriptor for them) and gave her a lop-sided grin.
"And my dear Mr. Black, I'll tell you what the BOTH of you can expect if you don't shut up this—"
"Afternoon, Lily!" came a cheerful voice in her left ear. It was Remus Lupin, fellow Prefect and occasional study partner.
"Hello, Remus." Lily blushed a bit as she was caught dead in the center of her tirade.
"I've got those tutorials I was telling you about. And thanks a bunch for your notes last week," he returned, his kind cinnamon eyes twinkling in amusement.
"What should I expect Evans? For you to snog us both perfectly senseless?"
The pile of papers Lupin was holding almost flew into the air as he literally had to restrain Lily from jumping on top of his friend and shoving her wand God-knows-where. He felt Lily's tense muscles instantly relax under his touch but her eyes were still passionately blazing.
"You know you don't have to thank me for that," she breathlessly chided, wisps of red hair flying as she tried to compose herself. "It's the least I can do. How are you feeling?" she asked purposefully yet worriedly, her hand moving to touch a scar on his cheek. She was the only one, aside from his fellow Marauders who knew about his…condition.
"Loads better, thank you." He nodded as Lily moved to adjust his collar which was sticking up and smoothed it down before linking arms with him. They started to peruse his neatly organized study guides on the way to class.
She could feel James' eyes burning a hole in his back. Yes, Potter. I'm going to steal away the brains behind your stupid little schemes for five minutes. What are you going to do about it? She almost wanted to look back and give them a snippy little smile.
"Lily, my love, let me get the door for you!" Sirius threw himself against the heavy classroom door and tugged it open, gesturing to her in a most gentlemanly fashion to proceed into the classroom.
She hated it when he patronized her like that and he knew it. He did this ALL the time. Most of the time, she simply refused to go through the door, but as Remus was chattering on animatedly on Victorian Culture, she had no choice but to oblige.
"Thanks," she mumbled, purely because she was a lady and had lovely manners, even for egotistical, shallow sods like Sirius Black.
James came over and threw his arm over Remus' shoulder causing him to wince a bit and Lily to subsequently give Potter one of her Death Stares. James then pulled him over to the table in the precise middle of the classroom, reserved for Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. Supreme targeting ground is what Sirius had called the geographical nature of this table.
Lily stuck her nose in the air and sat herself in the desk in front of them, a feat nobody else in the student body (or faculty, for that matter) dared do. They all had learned long ago never to turn your back on a Marauder. Lily could not give two hoots about this and made a point of picking this seat purely to show her defiance towards this irritating quartet.
However, little did she know, that every time she flipped her long, thick red hair over her shoulder, especially right before she hunched down to write away excitedly, it drove a certain James Potter absolutely batty and caused him to melt all over his seatmates.
"Lils, did you do your homework last night?"
"Yes, what kind of question—" James, however, interrupted her before she could finish her sentence.
"Did you get full marks on your last DADA essay?"
"Yes!" she shot back tersely and a little bit annoyed. Of course she got full marks.
"Did you monitor the halls last week with good ol' Moony here?"
"Yes." Keep it short and sweet, Lily. Don't let him get to you, sodding idiot.
"Did you eat a blueberry muffin this morning for breakfast?"
"Yes."
"Did you see our last Quidditch match?"
"Yes," she admitted.
"Will you go out with me?"
"No."
"Darn, so close!" James leaned back into his chair and huffily crossed his arms. Remus laughed wheezily while clutching his side (poor guy), Sirius howled, and Peter just looked confused as he tried to sharpen his quill with his teeth.
"Better luck next time, Prongs." Sirius whispered and nudged James as Professor McGonagall shushed the class and started in on the day's lesson.
Lily rolled her eyes. Stupid Gits. How she survived six hours of this a day, she would never know.
"Good afternoon, class!" Professor McGonagall boomed in her signature sharp and authoritative tone.
"Your mum's a class."
"Ooh, slam, Padfooty."
Lily dipped her quill in her violet ink pot and started to diligently take notes. Poor Professor McGonagall. Whoever bribed her to teach this extra course…
"Today we will be starting a new unit, focusing on the works of a rather well-known and controversial Muggle playwright—"
"Excellent," James said slowly, in a deep, conniving voice.
"Indeed. My McGoggle has superb taste. That's my girl." Sirius graveled smoothly.
"Oh gross," Peter lisped.
"You three are so incredibly immature," Remus whispered softly.
Thank you for that, Remus. Lily tried as hard as she could to concentrate on the lecture.
"Your mum's immature." And all four of the Marauders snorted and snickered with quiet laughter.
"Oscar Wilde is known for his rapier wit and most especially, his quick and terse style, known as banter. Yes, you should be writing this down now. Banter is defined as…"
What Potter and I do each and every moment of each and every day, Lily thought.
"I like this guy already." Sirius drawled and Lily heard a creaking sound, signaling a chair being leaned back precariously.
"…Being Earnest is his most well-known play to date and we shall subsequently be studying it later on. Additionally, we shall be taking a slightly different approach in order to fully appreciate his particular playwriting style. Therefore," she said this rather excitedly while adjusting her square spectacles, "We shall be performing a similar production of Wilde's, entitled, An Ideal Husband."
"Hey, Evans, I could be an ideal husband." James hissed at her eagerly.
"Your mum's an ideal—"
"Stuff it, Padfoot," came James bitterly.
"Ooh, it's somebody's time of the month."
"Oh, hush. That's nothing to joke about, guys." Remus' voice invaded with a playful air.
"My God, Remus. You kill me, mate." Sirius returned sardonically.
"Yeah, where do you come up with this stuff? You're so funny," James added equally sarcastically.
"Stop it, guys. I'm trying."
"Your mum's trying."
Lily could feel herself getting a migraine. Professor McGongall was making her rounds now, passing a little booklet to each member of the class. She smiled slightly as she handed Lily hers.
"Good luck, Miss. Evans," she whispered before moving on.
Lily thanked her but wondered what in the world she could mean and set her packet aside.
"I have taken the liberty of—Would you please refrain from incinerating your copy of the play, Mr. Black as you will be needing it?—casting a few members of the class into the respective roles, listed on the opening cover of this packet. If one of the characters have been circled in your copy, you have been elected to perform. Congratulations, and please submit a character biography to present to the class tomorrow." Professor McGonagall spoke from the back of the classroom and papers rustled.
"Professor McG, we have to have a little chat…" Sirius started as he noticed a bright green circle around a one Lord Goring.
"Oh, I don't believe so, Mr. Black. You see, you and your merry band over there seemed so keen on being so constantly histrionic that this project seemed tailor made for you four. As you will see, all of you will at long-last be graded on your ability to cause a public display within this classroom. A dream come true, I'm sure. You may thank me later."
"Did she just--?" James gaped, open-mouthed. Sirius was at an utter loss for words. Remus had his hands over his mouth trying to suppress his laughter and Peter was jittering weirdly, trying to process what just happened.
"I believe, my darling dearest Minny has finally schooled us." Sirius said in awestruck tones as he started flipping through the play, counting his number of lines, no doubt.
"Who're you, Prongs?" Remus asked quietly. "I'm playing 'Sir Robert Chiltern.' Sounds fancy, doesn't it?"
"I'm a girl."
"Really, James. I never noticed that before," Sirius bantered offhandedly as he skimmed the last few scenes.
No, really. I'm playing…Moony's wife. Gertrude. What kind of name is that?"
"Hey!" started a rather offended Gertie McIntire, a Ravenclaw, who was sitting in the seat behind his and who Lily pitied for harboring a long-standing crush on the Gryffindor Chaser.
"No offense," James waved his hand as he knit his eyebrows together. "Remus is more feminine than I am anyway. Let's trade, Moony."
"I don't think so," Remus laughed. "Get in touch with your inner witch, Prongs. Come on."
"Hey, Evans, care to educate me in the divine art of fem—" James leaned over his desktop again.
"Don't you dare even finish that sentence, Potter," Lily held her hand up, not even turning around.
"He-ey! Who has the blessed honor of playing the girl who is head-over-heels in adoration of moi? I believe her name is Mabel and gets a rather nice snog-session in." Sirius belted out happily for the entire classroom to hear as every female in the class groaned disappointedly. Nobody said anything.
"Oh, bloody. It's not Peter, is it? You're not gender-bending, too, are you, Wormtail?" Sirius stressed frantically, grabbing Peter's script from his hands.
"Oh. My. God." Lily dropped her script as if it had suddenly caught fire.
Miss Mabel Chiltern was circled boldly on the first page of her play.
"Excellent," Sirius mimicked James, speaking slowly and slyly as his best friend turned positively purple.
"Lils, my sweet! I knew you'd come around sooner or later!" Sirius continued positively beaming.
And for the first time in her life, Lily Evans contemplated her chances of failing a class.
This was going to be one very long semester.
(A/N: "Your Mum" jokes copyright to Michelle who thinks I am a huge dorkus and loser for writing this fic. :))