ADAM

I always wait until no one is up before I'm able to put down my personal shields, that's when I let myself be human for a while and I can stop pretending that I'm not affected. The daylight hours are when I put up my mask, to their faces I pretended I'm all right with what happened, just like I always do, I have to, they won't understand my pain and they are all suffering so I have to be strong, but now that I'm alone I can cry for what I might have done differently, for another way and for what was lost. I created this out come, everything that happened is my fault, a result of my arrogance.

It's very rare that I allow myself to break down, I wait until the others have gone to bed and then I try to see what I could have done to make things easier. It's always after a particularly rough run, when someone was killed or nearly destroyed. The team is usually rocked to the core and I feel it, that's when the guilt comes.

I never have been as angry with myself and the world as I am tonight. I'm almost tearing the lab apart in my intensity, I can see the million and one ways's that I could have done things differently and it nearly destroys me. I see Ashlock's face and I beat my fist into the wall, not caring if I hurt myself. I'm glad no one can see me because I know that everything I am is out for all to behold, the pain, guilt, anger and the fear. The horrible dread that this might happen to the people I have grown to love so much.

Suddenly I feel someone grab my arms, and pull me close. I'm startled and so I react as if this person is an assailant, I fight him. It takes a few seconds before I recognize who it is. I didn't know he was up and now I'm concerned how much he saw. Immediately I hide away my feelings and put on the face that he and the others are used to, my clam face, because I can't let him see all the swirling emotions I'm feeling. I can't lose his respect, I care about him a great deal more then I let on and there is no way I'll ever let him know that.

I'm completely startled when he kisses me. I want the kiss, I want him, he feels so right in my arms, like he belongs there. I want the kiss to go on forever, I kiss him as hard as I can, because I can't believe that this is happening. At first I cared for him like family, he was sweet, almost like a small child. As a result I looked out for him, protected him, I hadn't realized how much my feelings were shifting until he kissed me and all the pain and secret went away for a little while.

I suddenly realize how wrong this is, I'm broken and I can't love him like he deserves to be loved, so I pull away and step back. I feel the darkness closing in around me again, reminding me how much I could hurt him, the world shifted and the secrets were back, reminding me how much I had been hurt before. I turn around so he can't see all te conflicting emotions he's brought up. I need to protect him and myself, I just can't let go of the mask

He gently turns me around and stares straight into my eyes. We both try to avoid eye contact because we don't want others to know what's going on behind my eyes. I am always afraid that others will see past the mask and see the ugly truth. I don't know if I could stand it if they realized how broken I am. I know that I love him but I need to make sure that neither of us get's hurt, so I made sure all he could see was my mask, and not my feelings.

"You can cry," he whispers, "It's all right, you don't have to hide." Then I look away, I have made this part of myself and I can't let go. He is so sweet and so naive, that it would be to easy for him to get hurt.

Ashlock is the best example of how I can destroy others, he died because of me, just as those he killed died because of me, Ashlock hurt all of Mutant X and nearly destroyed Shalimar because of me. I have never felt so angry at myself in my whole life, I tell them I'm fine, they need to think I'm fine, but inside I'm sickened. Ironically I was almost one of Ashlock's victims, when we were sent into the past, he saved me, he went back a few minutes and prevented my death, my hero.

I focus all my attentions on them, because they are dealing with a lot right now, especially their new abilities, and it makes it easier for me to pretend I don't hurt, sidestepping their inquiries about how I am. I don't want them to worry about me.

Suddenly he speaks again, "I'm here for you, and I love you." I'm so startled that I barely notice as he let's go of my hands, brushes his lips across mine and walks upstairs. I can't wrap my head around the fact that he just said he loved me.

I sat down on the chair because my legs wouldn't support my weight anymore. He loves me, that just can't be possible! I've been hurt before by someone who said they loved me, but I know he wouldn't. I have hurt people, but I know I would die before I hurt him. It's just the illusion that keeps me from going up their, the fear of letting go of that mask. Finally I stand up and slowly walk to his room.

It takes a lot of effort just to give a light knock on his door and to strangle out, "Can I come in?" I half hope that he says no because I'm more scared then I have been in my entire life. So when he says "Of course," I enter with a bit of trepidation. How can something feel so right and yet so wrong in the same moment.

I walk straight up to him and say, "If you love me through the shadows then I can love you through the light. Jesse, I love you, so much. It's just so hard . . . " He silences me with his hand and replies, "It's only hard if you make it, I love you, Adam and you love me, that's all we need." Then he kisses me and nothing else matters but him.

TO MY READERS

? - I'm sorry you don't appreciate the pairing, I should have told people before hand who the pairing was.

PsiGen - You just love all my work so long as it includes Adam don't you? I hope you enjoy this chapter. I will never stop writing, it's the only way to spread my insanity (LOL)

Feral's Revenge - WOW, thank you so much for your kind words. I completely agree that there is not enough of this pairing that is why I chose to write one. I would write more but i have a very busy life and I have been very unmotivated as of late. OH and a lot of good writers hate their writing such as J. K. Rowling or Bruce Covile so I'm in illustrious company, i trust my reviewers to know if my writing is good or bad.