Karen stared sightlessly at her favourite black suit, which was hung up ready for her to slip on. At some time last night, she must have got it out ready for the morning but she couldn't remember doing it. It seemed ages ago that she had worn it even though it was only a week, no more than the average holiday break that she took throughout the year. The only thing was that what she had gone through was no holiday and she wondered if she had come down to earth again.
Instantly, a panic reaction overtook her, as she was starting to wonder if she could face the outside world. The next second, a contrary impulse drove her to reflect that she had to be back at work as soon as possible, immediately. She would be more at home there than anywhere else. It gave her life some sense of shape that moping around at home wasn't going to give her. To hell with it, she finally snapped and she was pleased that adrenaline reaction finally kicked in and drove her to get moving. She had a prison to run and god knows what had happened to the place, her office, her files, the duties to be performed, the deadlines that only she knew about. Everyone else's job was somehow covered at Larkhall but hers.
She hurried with her makeup, grabbed hold of all her personal effects that she had taken home and bundled everything in the car boot. She shoved her foot on the accelerator and headed off down the road. Once back in the hurly burly of rush hour London traffic, she started to feel better about herself as she sat back in the car. She suddenly swung out of a side road onto a major road with a cursory glance to the right and right out of nowhere a car horn blared and the car right behind her swerved past to overtake. That adrenaline rush turned into alarm as she could swear that her eyes hadn't deceived her. After that, she drove more slowly for the rest of the journey with almost exaggerated care to get control of herself.
The tension in her eased as she pulled off into the familiar side street and the prison gates and walls were reassuringly normal as she pulled up in her usual place.
With a huge breath of relief, she pulled out all her personal belongings and somehow locked up her car.
"Feeling better, Miss Betts? We were all sorry to hear about your son. We weren't expecting you quite so soon," Ken's words and his honest face greeted her.
"Looks like I've done myself out of the red carpet greeting," Quipped Karen, and added on a softer note. "Thanks, Ken."
"Do you want someone to give you a hand with all your stuff? I'd do it myself if I didn't have a gatehouse to look after."
"Don't worry, I'll manage."
Ken looked a little dubiously but let her carry on, as it wasn't a good idea to persist in disagreeing with such a forceful, determined and pleasant boss. He picked up the phone and dialled Nikki as he was instructed to.
"Hey, it's Miss Betts back," Julie Johnson called out. "It's great to see you, miss."
As Karen strode rapidly forward, she came up to the crowd to which Denny and Lauren were soon added.
"I loved your card," Karen was able to get in as a hubbub started. A foolish smile spread over her face as she was bathed as if in a scented bath in all the glow of human generosity and well-being. It could not have happened at a better time when she had felt so hollow and drained inside. While she was away, she had not thought of the pleasurable side of human contact, only the deadlines that were building up. She could not remember what they were in detail, only the panic feelings.
"We understand how mums feel and you're one of us that way."
"You know that Yvonne would say the same if she were here, probably said it already,
Silly me."
"Didn't think you could do a card like that," grinned Denny after the two Julies had spoken in rapid succession. "You've got my present to you in your office."
"Hey Julies, I know you all mean the best, but give Miss Betts a bit of space," Nikki interrupted. She could see the expression in Karen's eyes start to glaze over as she was bombarded with sheer good will. She could tell that it was all overpowering her. Unknown to Nikki, Julie Saunders' casual use of the word 'mum' was like an arrow in her heart that if Ross were dead, what did that make her?
"We're all really glad to see you back from the newest prisoner to…whoever they are," Nikki finished vaguely as the mode of comparison escaped her. "Want me to come with you to your office?"
Karen nodded her initial agreement, as she wanted company. Then she realised that
She wanted to get back in her little version of home that was at work and to arrange all the little bits and pieces, which appealed to her nesting instinct. After a quick mental flurry, she made up her mind.
"Give me half an hour to tidy up the room and then come unless I phone if I want more time."
Nikki knew that Grayling's visit plus some collective head scratching from her and the other wing governors made her room perfectly tidy but she kept quiet. There was restlessness about Karen that was obvious to her.
"Your appointment book is with your secretary, Karen. Looks clear for today but it's bound to fill up."
Karen smiled briefly at Nikki's thoughtfulness and nipped off to her office.
"Do you reckon Karen will want any visitors to make her welcome, Nikki?" Gina asked in passing.
"Let her settle in and I'll check that out."
Both of them obliquely referred to what was blindingly obvious that Karen wasn't her normal self, that is, the Karen Betts they both knew before the recent tragedy.
Karen's first glance fell on the beautiful potted plant at the corner of her table. That was what must have been the present from Denny that she mentioned. Her feelings were a mixture of pleasant surprise that her in tray wasn't overflowing with files and worry that whatever had passed through her office was done right. She stopped herself from looking round and, instead, spread all her personal effects all round the office to make it feel lived in. The one thing that appeared to be missing however, was her picture of Ross. Where was it, and who had moved it? Her desk seemed almost desolate without it, as if the last twenty two years of her life hadn't existed. When she was done, she felt happier and had settled down to a morning relaxing cup of tea, the Englishwoman's traditional and unique solace and comfort.
She then went on to switch on the computer and dread the volumes of E-mails to come pouring out of cyberspace. Surely, that couldn't have been taken care of as well? Again to her surprise, a mere trickle of messages begged for her attention. This was becoming a total mystery. How could her job managed to run itself for a week, apparently smoothly? While she was brooding over this she smoked her first cigarette of her working day. She had just finished it when there was a polite knock and Nikki entered the room.
"Bet you're surprised to see everywhere so spick and span," Nikki grinned.
"I know that Neil and I backed you to the hilt when you went for the wing governor job but I've got more than I bargained for. I swear that 'working miracles' wasn't part of your job description," Karen laughed. The sound of it felt strange to her ears.
"I didn't do this all by myself. The other wing governors mucked in. Neil very kindly spent a day last Thursday blasting through your E-mails, which had piled up. If you look at the sub folder marked 'Adam', that's what he's done. He's lobbed in anything he's marked for deletion as junk mail and anything else that he's replied to. He enjoyed it over here for the day. He told me it was like riding a bike, you don't forget the knack."
"So exactly what did Neil think in his judgement was junk mail?" came Karen's mock severe reply to Nikki's nonchalant tones and her grin.
"In his very words, anything from Alison Warner."
Karen shook her head in wonder at Grayling's brazen cheek. She wondered if John's inclination to be brazenly disrespectful to pompous authority was starting to rub off on him.
"He did a very nice line in being calm and reassuring when one of us came across something we didn't understand. He would be brilliant on any phone advice line you care to name if he chose a different way of making a living," Added Nikki enthusiastically. "I don't know what we would have done without him and I must say that Gina took some of my work off me. All the wing governors mucked in as well so it wasn't me being a one woman band."
"I must make a point of congratulating every one of you for all the help they've given me ……………….and to G Wing prison officers for the lovely flowers and the prisoners for the card and this pot of flowers. When you are down, or at least not at your best, it's little things that mean so much."
It was curious how Karen's speaking tone softened up momentarily and so markedly as she switched in her gratitude from the official to the personal.
"So you needn't have worried quite so much about us while you were away."
"That's not the point," Lied Karen a little. "I mean what I said about you, Nikki, most of all. I can see straight away who has taken on the main responsibility. I like to think I know you pretty well by now."
Nikki smiled in a self-effacing way at Karen's fulsome praise. She found it a little hard to give way to praise, thinking it no more than her duty. Living with Helen and her own background explained that mindset.
"Nikki," Karen asked eventually. "Where's my picture of ross?" Nikki looked a little uncomfortable at this, as it had been her decision to remove the picture from plain sight in the first place.
"We weren't sure if you'd want to see it, as soon as you walked through the door," She said quietly. "It's perfectly safe, in the second drawer down." Opening said drawer, Karen removed the photograph in its small, wooden frame, and placed it back on the desk, taking a moment to gaze at the happy, youthful face, and to try to forget the cold, dead one she'd seen last.
"I must phone Neil as well. He's performed wonders and you don't know how it feels to know that someone in authority is watching guard over you."
I know very well, thought Nikki, I've got Karen.
"Suppose you bring me up to speed on everything, Nikki. I want to get into the driving seat as soon as possible."
"Karen, are you ready to take it this quickly?" blurted out Nikki with real concern.
"If I weren't ready to deal with this, I wouldn't be here. It's very kind of you but I'm the best judge of what I can take on. I've been doing it a long time," Came the answer, ringing with false confidence.
Nikki sighed and gave in to the inevitable. She had no choice but to let Karen have her way. In that way, she has the same as before even if Nikki questioned her wisdom, which she would not have done before. She lit a cigarette and ran through everything that had happened in the last week and had to give it to Karen that her mind was sharp and alert in picking up on anything that was not clear with total precision.
"I'm really grateful for the way everything has been handled, Nikki. I've had my share of emergencies, you name it, I've dealt with it but this is a new one. I won't forget what you've done, both personally and officially. You can now lay your burden down."
Karen's soft sincere words made Nikki feel good about herself inside and it crossed her mind that Karen might not be so lucky. In contrast, Nikki felt that she had always had a very clear, brightly defined guiding light inside her and had taken the rough with the smooth. Karen appeared tough on the surface but knew only too well that appearances can be deceptive.
"I would like to talk longer but I fear that it would be wrong of me if you have your own wing to run. I think I can take care of everything now."
"Are you up for visitors or do you want a bit of time to get settled in first?"
"Nikki, I've only been away a week. I'll be fine. Let 'em all come if they want," Karen's confident tones answered Nikki's solicitous concern for her health. Jesus, last week felt like the longest week of her life, running her off her feet. She smiled in a shame-faced fashion and slipped out.
"Right everyone. Karen's got stuck in at work and has told me that it's business as usual. She said," emphasised Nikki in deliberate tones, "that if any of you want to visit her, you'll be welcome……"
"And what do you think, Nikki?"
"If you want my personal opinion……"
"Which we do, as always."
"You see her as she'd like the company." Nikki grinned at the cross talk banter with Gina which got straight to the heart of the situation, "you'll go easy on her in terms of time and numbers. She's keen to get back to work but if you have any real concerns, I want to hear about them. In the meantime, we back her up as best we can. Got that?"
The prison officers started to file out of the room. Throughout the meeting, Bodybag was uncharacteristically quiet and deep in thought. Just as Nikki was about to leave, she made a sudden decision.
"Err, ma'am, Miss Wade, Nikki,"Bodybag stumbled into the conversation. "I want to ask you for a little advice."
Nikki was utterly taken aback by the words from the other woman and how they were phrased. This must be a real first in her life but that thought from her past was pushed out of sight by her sense of responsibility. She smiled in welcome just before Bodybag would have turned away from her in anger at Nikki and herself.
"It's about Miss Betts. I wondered from what everyone was saying if I can help …….oh, it doesn't matter."
"From the sound of it, it certainly does matter and so do you."
"I know that Miss Betts and I haven't exactly seen eye to eye over the years but I was only wondering…."
"Go on, Sylvia."
"I ought to call in on her and offer sympathy that only a mother can. I have three children of my own, you know…….."
Bodybag's words were strangely bashful and proud and this was not lost on Nikki.
"You do it, Sylvia. I can't put it into words to say why but I know that it will do her a lot of good coming from you."
Bodybag was flustered and embarrassed and fished in her bag for a tissue and blew her nose to cover her embarrassment. She didn't say another word but headed off down the wing. Nikki watched her go with a strange feeling inside her that this was a side of her that she had never seen before.
For the rest of the day, Karen worked in sporadic bursts as Gina and Dominic popped in to have a pleasant chat. Out of politeness, her impulse to find work and overdo it was discreetly restrained as both of them chatted pleasantly and inconsequentially about nothing in particular. They did not go in for any heavy-handed sympathy but handled the situation with delicacy and tact. She was glad of the company and at the same time, glad that she had made her presence felt, both to herself and others. It was as good a first day back as you could get.
Most surprising was a third knock at the door and Sylvia, of all people, put her head round the door. She had never been known to go out of her way to seek out her company in her office. That was the place where she had been known to be torn off a strip at regular intervals.
"Sylvia. What do I owe this call?" Karen said in friendly tones.
Bodybag shuffled over, fidgeting with her hands and, very unusually for her, smiling at her.
"I just wanted to call in to wish you my condolences and anything I can say to make you feel better," The other woman stammered.
Karen was really touched, the more so as it was such an unexpected move.
"You know, that's really kind of you."
"In anyone's hour of troubles, you need those around you like your family. All of us spend most of our waking hours at this….I mean at this prison and you share so many of your waking hours here. It wouldn't be right for any working mother here not to get support."
Bodybag was known in her secondary occupation to utter clichéd sentiments like a cheap card bought in any supermarket checkout but Karen could tell that this time, these words came straight from her heart, that softer side that only peeked out at rare intervals behind the solid armour plate of her callous judgement exterior.
Surprisingly, Karen found herself reaching for a tissue and dabbing her eyes briefly. She couldn't speak but she smiled in gratitude. For once, Sylvia held back until Karen had collected her wits. Her old fashioned ways of not showing displays of emotions were not a million miles away from Karen's values.
Karen set foot out of the prison gates with Nikki and Gina a little way behind her. She swung open the heavy wooden door which opened out into a ……nightmare.
Suddenly, she came right up close to a crowd of people who started flashing white light into her eyes at close range.
"Miss Betts, why did your son kill himself?"
"Miss Betts, is there any truth in the rumours that your son was a heroin addict?
"Miss Betts, how do you feel about the death of your son?"
Karen stood frozen to the spot in sheer panic. Nothing in her life had prepared her for the prospect of being doorstepped by the paparazzi and questions being fired at her in such an insensitive way. Why would any newspaper be interested in her life, her tragedy? She had worked all her life anonymously in the public services.
"Cut it out," Shouted Nikki's carrying voice from behind. "She has no comment to make. All she wants is to be left in peace. What's wrong with you animals? Have you no feelings."
"You push it further and you'll get banged up."
"Oooh, promises, promises," Sneered what appeared to be an adolescent brat who ought to be sent home and be grounded by his mum for a week. Was he some reporter for a national rag, Gina wondered.
"In a men's nick of course. Now move it, muppet."
"Miss Betts, what are you going to do with your future?
Nikki and Gina backed up by Dominic who heard what went on , flanked Karen and pushed and shoved their way through the crowd and escorted her to her car. Flash bulbs were being fired off in all direction but they were oblivious to it. All they wanted to do was to get Karen away from them.
"Miss Betts, what do you feel about being a single mum, bringing up a child. What would you say to the readers?"
"Same as any single mum. We deal with them every day or haven't you noticed?" sneered Nikki with utter contempt and loathing.
Karen slid into her car and only saw mouths opening and closing as she started the engine. The view was nightmarish. Only her prison officers, true friends were deserving of her time. She saw Nikki reach for her mobile and guessed that she was phoning the police. . She gunned the engine and edged her way through the crowd until the way was clear and shot off down the road. Why did they do this to her, why did they do this to her, why did they do this to her, the mantra ran round in her panic stricken mind. She had to run for her life.