Lauren had finally made it through to the other side. Denny had been as good as her word and had helped her to pack all her belongings into two anonymous plastic bags.
"I don't like public goodbyes. They do my nut in," Denny had said as they stood looking in the cell they had both shared for so long. The wardrobe looked half empty as Lauren's clothes were packed away and only a few of Denny's pictures were pinned up on the wall instead of the joint array of both of their personal mementoes.
"I'll be around, always," Lauren had assured her. "I feel dead strange right now."
"You'll be sorted. I knew you would be from when you first came here."
A few tears ran down Lauren's face when those few tough clumsy words brought back that incredibly caring side of Denny that she always seemed embarrassed by. She would never have survived if it hadn't been for Denny and, above all, she knew more than ever that she wasn't as hard as she thought she was. It took being banged up to finally teach her that one. She hugged Denny for a long time even though she seemed curiously stiff and unresponsive.
"Now push off, Lauren. I'll be all right. You have one on me first time you're out in some fancy nightclub."
Denny turned her face away while, reluctantly, Lauren stepped forward into what seemed the lengthy red tape by which the prison service finally let go of her. She then went through the emotionally overwhelming experience that first Nikki and then Yvonne had gone through on their release, that procession past some incredibly loving women and a group of prison officers who, in their more restrained way, gave their respects as well. Finally, Nikki turned the tables on her past and shook Lauren's hand in a fashion totally alien to her.
"Good luck, Lauren. You know that I never want to see you again, at least this side of the prison bars," She quipped in her inimitable way. "Karen would send her best wishes if she were here. You know that."
Lauren nodded her head, speechless for words.
"Come on. I'll walk you to the car. Someone is waiting for you who I think you'll know."
Nikki casually unlocked the last of the bolts and bars and bright sunlight shone through the gap between the stone walls. The way lay open for her. Together they strolled in the sunlight and Lauren looked backwards to where she knew Denny was somewhere entombed in the building. A lump formed in her throat and her blessings extended onwards to the judge, the only real man that she had ever seen in her life, who was giving her a second chance on life. She could not let him down and also so many others. Lauren saw Nikki chat normally to Ken on security and swing the door open wide and beckoned her over to her future.
"Letting someone out of prison has got to be a first for me, Lauren. I used to watch others get out like Monica Lindsey and Crystal. This has to be the best bit of the job, seeing others get free."
"Well, of all the old lags from this dump, Nikki, you did the best of all of us..……"
There were tears in Nikki's eyes as the full emotional weight of the moment hit home where past and present sat side by side. There simply wasn't anything in the prison rules, her training course, her experience as a wing governor or her previous three years as an inmate as to the written rules governing the code of conduct of a wing governor who was also ex-inmate towards a prisoner being given her freedom. As with so much in Nikki's life, she made it up as she went along. Lauren's heart went out to this very strong woman who had more than paid her dues and she hugged her back.
"Well, you're not indispensable round here so don't be late for the party as you'll have Yvonne to reckon with. You get going as soon as you can."
Nikki smiled brightly and let her walk in the direction of Cassie's bright red Ford. The door the driver's side was wide open while Cassie lounged back in the car seat, her legs outstretched outside the car. Roisin could be seen in the back seat.
"Don't be late, Nikki. You remember what I said on the phone earlier on."
Nikki laughed out loud even while her emotions still choked her up inside.
"Helen is making her own way early to Yvonne's and I'll be as quick as I can."
She waved at the three of them and stood while Lauren popped her bags into the boot and got in the front passenger seat.
"Well, you are a sight for sore eyes, babe," Cassie grinned while the bewildered Lauren blinked at finding herself on the outside of the prison. She slumped in the seat while Cassie twirled the car round and Roisin waved at Nikki's steadily decreasing shape, which waved back.
"Isn't it just such a long time that we've seen you," Added Roisin.
"I know you of old, Cassie," Grinned Lauren. "You've got something planned for me."
"The general idea," quietly emphasized Cassie with that 'butter wouldn't melt in her mouth' look, "is that the three of us, your mum, Nikki and Helen and Josh and Crystal will have a nice chill out evening in. Nothing flashy or decadent unless you have other ideas."
Lauren felt rather bemused. Everything whizzed past her window and Cassie was driving ridiculously fast. She wasn't really here, she was in some dream that she was awake for, wondering what she was going to do when she got out of prison. The only thing was that when she shut her eyes for a moment or two and opened them again, the dream remained switched on. This was weird.
"I'll let you guys decide."
Crystal was already at Yvonne's. Her mother had lectured her firmly that God's Will meant that every human being should look after their friends and neighbours and insisted that she should look after Zandra and Daniel for the afternoon as well as the evening. That enabled her to act as advance guard for the rest of them. Spending an afternoon in Yvonne's company was something that Crystal relished as a change of scene from being stuck in the house. She knew also that it gave her a mother a chance to indulge her grandchildren shamelessly and that was fine by Crystal. Yvonne was rather down as her fiftieth was something to mourn and not exactly to flaunt. Fortunately, everyone had anticipated Yvonne's wishes for ordinary birthday cards. Seeing the numbers spelt out in all their pitiless finality was a present she could do without.
"Fifty bleeding years old. I don't feel like it, Crystal."
"You're only as old as you feel," Crystal laughed.
"You're only saying that because you've got a long way to go. Even forty was easy peasy in comparison."
Crystal sensed that Yvonne felt it keenly that her Lauren was away from home a second year running and it was especially hard for her to keep quiet. Yvonne couldn't keep track of the passing of time properly but she thought that Lauren would be out soon. She would have thought Karen would have phoned and said so either way, in any case.
At that moment in another place, Helen's phone rang in between appointments and she grabbed at it eagerly.
"The present is arriving, Helen," Roisin intoned the message into Helen's ear
"Great, Roisin. I'll be over and Nikki will make her way over when she's clear."
Everything was starting to go according to plan.
Denny didn't wait to see Lauren's long drawn out goodbye ritual. It would have hurt her too much. She was breaking up inside and no one knew it, first that Lauren was getting out and then that screw up over the VO. Why can't Lauren or the Julies or Nikki see how she felt? They've all known her for ages? Then the cynical, hard side of her rose to the surface and a voice inside her head started talking to her 'Why should they bother about you? You're not worth shit just like you always knew you were?'
'You always were trouble. Right from when you were born. I never wanted you.'
That same dream went round and round in her frigging head, those slurred words and her mother's mad eyes swivelling in every direction, pissed out of her brain. She said afterwards that she says all sorts of things when she's drunk but she never believed it in her heart of hearts. It all came back to haunt her right now.
"Have you got a spare razor blade, Buki?" she had asked one time in the most innocent way possible.
"What would you be doing with that thing"?
"Only some twat who's pissed me off. That Natalie Buxton. I've heard that she fancies being hard. I'll give her hard if she starts anything," Denny had said, in menacing tones.
"Sure, Denny"
She had studied that clean sharp edged blade in fascination first thing in the morning and words that Buki said to talk about why she used to cut up. It used to sound like a pile of bollocks once but, in Denny's state of self-loathing, they started to exert a horrid fascination. She had always had those rages inside her which had made her want to smash anything in her path when something or someone asked for it. She used to make herself feel better by making someone feel worse and that worked, especially when Shell persuaded her to. If someone who had the looks and brains like Shell would pick her out to be her best mate, then she was worth something and if Shell wanted her to act hard, then she would as well and, if anyone suffered, she couldn't give a shit. It was all so simple then.
Then everything changed. When Yvonne wanted to be her mum, it made her feel feelings, good or bad. It was dead scary but in the end, she got to like herself for the first time in her life. When Lauren came, it was even better.She made believe that she had a real sister. She felt so good about herself for so long that something within her didn't want to face the fact that sooner or later, Lauren would be getting out. When Lauren told her, she felt as if her world was falling apart. She couldn't exactly tell Lauren, she wished she were staying longer, could she?
Everything told Denny where she was in the scheme of things and that, once Lauren was out, she would be back where she belonged. Only Denny didn't want that anymore. She had to let that rage out only she couldn't be the old Denny and do over someone who deserved better. Perhaps, if she cut her skin, it would let everything out and she would be at peace. Better still, what better place was there to escape but on the roof. She had watched Zandra do that. Why didn't she try for herself? That was a brilliant idea and she had one of those mad manic moods come over her. Only trouble was, how was she going to get the frigging keys. Her mind, rapidly ticking over, picked out Bodybag as easily the most stupid screw around. She darted all over the deserted area of the wing, her eyes flitting everywhere till she saw the two people she wanted, Bodybag in the distance, glowering into space and Al dead close. Terrific. This was her big chance.
"Al, I want you to help me play a trick on Bodybag over there."
"Aye? What do you mean?" Al's eyes glazed over as Denny kept dancing from foot to foot in front of her.
"Pretend to fight so she'll stick her nose in and I can pinch her keys. Nikki will come down on her like a ton of bricks. Serve her right"
Al grinned at that one. She hated her guts for the way she looked at her in a funny way and looked down her nose at her, treating her like scum. Anything that got Bodybag in trouble had to be good. She trusted Denny and it didn't cross her mind that it would potentially put them in the firing line as well. Anything to stop Denny going all hyper all around her.
Bodybag deliberately kept away from the celebrations. All she knew was that there was one less Atkins on G Wing, much though it grieved her that some lily livered liberal namby pamby judge had let her off with a slap on the wrist instead of sentencing her to her just deserts of as near hard labour in Her Majesty's Prison that could be contrived. She glanced suspiciously at two reprobates over there, Blood and that thug McKenzie. They spelled trouble on their own, doubly so when they were together.
"Give it back, bitch," Denny yelled, that psychopathic look on her face.
"No way."
Immediately, Denny threw the first punch and they were wrestling with each other, trying to land one on the other.
"Now then, break it up," She yelled wondering why everything should happen when all the other prison officers were watching the cabaret. At the back of the crowd, Colin heard what was going on and saw Bodybag suddenly become embroiled in the struggle.
"That's enough," He yelled. "You two should know better."
Surprisingly easily, the two of them stopped the fight as he got to the scene of the struggle. They both looked apologetic and Denny apologised to Al who calmed down quickly. Colin knew that they were mates but both of them could be edgy and fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. They were quick to apologise so Colin decided to let it go.
"Next time, you two, I'll send both of you down the block and throw away the key," a very dishevelled Bodybag blustered.
"We're really sorry miss."
"Yeah, just a misunderstanding," chimed in Al after Denny.
They promptly disappeared out of harms way and Colin and Bodybag had better things to do to watch out for the assembled crowd of prisoners to flood back on to the wing.
"Easy, peasy," exulted Denny in a manic way, a glint in her eye and her razor tucked away in her trouser pocket. It was almost like the old days and just like kids stuff when Shaz was with her except that….Shaz was dead. That realisation made Denny shut her eyes and all that directed rage turned inwards on herself and mixed with those feelings of grief, which she'd never got over. She was emotionally all over the place except for that fixed desire to get onto the roof. Where had Zandra told her to go…oh, yes, into the medical wing, through the door where there was an area where five doors opened out, pick the one on the left and there the first set of barred doors are. Open them, as she did though the clanking sound scared the shit out of her and round and round the metal spiral staircase and right onto the roof. Her hands were shaking as she unlocked the top gate and that bloody rusty chain, swing back the gate and….freedom.
Cassie pulled up in the drive outside Yvonne's house and Lauren automatically got out of the car as she had so many times in the past and she gasped in total astonishment. The house stretched upwards into the sky and the width was enormous. The cars in the front, including her mum's red Ferrari were unbelievably luxurious and the trees at the back were like something out of a stately mansion. She stretched her shoulders and took in deep breaths of air. She was free and she was home even if the realisation of her dormant dreams was bewildering.
"Where's everyone else got to, Crystal? It ain't my birthday every day?"
"They must be held up. You know how it is," Crystal answered with a lopsided grin.
At that moment, the front doorbell rang loudly and Trigger pricked up his ears after lounging around on the rug. This needed investigating.
"Surprise, surprise," Yelled the two-part disharmony of Cassie and Lauren.
Just for a second, Yvonne was speechless and then Lauren ran into her arms and the two women embraced in an enormous hug for what seemed like ages while tears of gratitude streamed down Yvonne's face. For once, she was oblivious of her appearance. Trigger barked uproariously running round in circles and chasing his tail. This was a double birthday as far as he was concerned. He had missed his mistress and had heard her step two feet from the door.
Yvonne flopped into a chair, utterly gobsmacked.
"This isn't bleeding Cilla Black you complete and utter…….bloody wonderful friends of mine. Don't ever pull a stunt like that. I nearly had a bleeding heart attack……what do you want to drink, Lauren? Must be forgetting my manners."
Cassie poured her a generous measure of her favourite drink and collapsed back in an armchair, unbelievably soft and luxurious. She tasted her first taste of freedom.
Some time later the party was in full swing.
"What's happened to Nikki?" Yvonne asked. Either the alcohol or shock was going to her head as the room was starting to get fuzzy in the most delightful way.
"You know Nikki. She won't leave the place unless she's dragged away. I can tell the symptoms already. She'll come when she's good and ready as she hates letting people down. Besides, she won't miss out on your company." Laughed Cassie.
Once up on the roof, Denny blinked at the sight of all that city in the far horizon. She had forgotten that there was so much space outside the walls. A tear rolled down her cheek as she was sure that she would never get there. That distant memory when Miss Betts took her out for the day was just that. It wasn't real. It was there like Yvonne being mum for there, to be snatched away when she needed it most. It was bullshit. Everything was bullshit. She was sick of life and might as well give up on it. Let's face it, everyone else had given up on her.
She tottered her way to the front where a glimpse of the sheer drop below made her reel. It was a frigging long way down. Why are you worrying, Denny, a voice inside her started to tell her. You've got the choice of topping yourself with the razor or stepping off the edge. Why are you bothering any more? She decided to reach for her razor instead……..
Nikki was ready to leave. She had finished everything and was ready to set out on her way to a lovely reunion. She strolled across the yard and was heading for the lodge to drop her key in before getting into her car and phoning Helen to tell her she was on her way. She had a cursory glance behind her at the prison block, swung her gaze sideways to the hospital block and there, etched against the skyline, just clear of the roof, there was a sight that made her blood run cold and bring back a similar drama right back to the present.
"Jesus!" She yelled. Her wits were scattered. What in hell was she supposed to do?