Wow, thanks everyone for being so patient with me! I'm truly sorryfrom the bottom of my heartthat I've been lazy with updates. Now, I know that not everyone's lives depend on my updates (can you at least pretend? lol) but I have a conscious. I swear. lol.
Anyways, thanks for the immense support with this fic. Please let me know if you like this chapter...:)
Disclaimer: Nothin'. Wow. Forgot about these! In, like, everything. lol. Oops. ;) Don't shoot!
Dear Diary,
It burns. Oh my God, it hurts me sometimes. Every time I reach into the depths of my throat with my scarred fingers, muscles clench- muscles that I didn't even know I possessed.
Nothing like a little drama, huh?
Well, I'm not kidding, though. I want so badly to make light of this situation, to poke fun at a fear that runs like hatred through my veins.
But I can't deny the fact that my life has improved tenfold.
I'm going down to visit Chandler today. Somehow I convinced him I'm going down to check out the college. I hope it's not that obvious like everything else that I do.
That's why it feels good to have this secret, this one thing I can keep to myself. It's almost like a small celebration each time I skip a mean, every time I choke on my food in the bathroom. I know I shouldn't like it so much, but my body quivers even at the thought of retaining a meal now. I don't really know if I can.
My stomach is growling now, but I've learned to ignore it. I'm nearly 145 lbs now. It's drastic, but I'm losing nearly a pound a day. I guess the more weight you have, the quicker you can lose it.
I feel so good some days, and then I feel so guilty. I almost feel like I'm not doing enough. I've been getting dizzy, too, but it's all a part of the process, I figure.
I've got it under control, I swear.
I promise I won't be like the other girls I've heard of.
I know what I'm doing.
I don't lose battles.
Monica
She set down the black ballpoint pen next to her frilly pink lamp. In the back of her mind, she made a mental checklist: Get new furniture soon, pink looked childish.
Chrome rays of light from the mirror glinted at her, grinning in the broad sunshine of the day. Monica grinned, also in the spirit. Today was going to be a good day, she could feel it.
Her stomach rumbled in time with the tone of her mother's voice.
"Monica, come down and get some breakfast!"
Monica groaned. Just thinking about eating made her feel fat; day by day, she was achieving her goals. Eating could wait until another day.
"Coming, Mom!" She bounded down the stairs, pleasantly pleased at the lack of noise she made.
Judy glanced up at her and smiled. Finally, her daughter was making her proud. Not only was she working out, Judy thought, but she was making better grades, improving her social life. "Monica, what do you want to eat? It's a long drive to visit Ross, honey, and I don't want you to be hungry."
Monica felt her stomach drop and twinge, her eyes blinked repeatedly, and her face flushed until it burned. She hated confrontations. "Well, um, Mom, I'm going to eat on the way out there. Plus, I'm going to lunch with Ross and I wouldn't want to spoil my appetite!" She laughed shakily, trying to make light of the situation.
"Oh, well, okay." Judy barely looked up from her crossword puzzle. "Have fun. I expect you'll be back on Sunday?"
"Late Sunday," Monica reiterated. "Late."
"That's fine. Tell Ross I said 'hello'."
"Sure will," Monica tapped her foot impatiently by the door as she grabbed a light jean jacket, for it was early April.
"Do you need some money?"
Monica paused. She quickly peeked down at her oversized t-shirt (to hide both extra weight and lack thereof), her worn in shoes, and her faded jeans that were sizes too big even though they were hand-me-downs from Rachel's sister, Amy. She could use a shopping trip.
"Money?" Though she was overjoyed at her mother's new attitude towards her, cash offerings were a rarity, even with Ross.
"Yes, money." Judy raised her eyebrows. "For food."
"Oh, yeah, of course!" She stuttered and nearly tripped over a laundry basket in the middle of the floor.
"Careful, Monica," she warned.
Monica blushed. "Sorry, I didn't see that there." She grabbed the cash from her mother's hands and mentally planned out her new wardrobe.
"Bye, Monica."
"Bye, Mom."
She blissfully exited and basked in the beautiful golden hued sunlight. "Finally," she sighed. A part of her worried her mother was suspicious of her eating habits, but her sensibility reasoned that Judy was thrilled Monica was losing weight.
Fumbling slightly with the car keys, Monica hesitantly fiddled with them, suddenly getting the odd impression that she was being watched.
She glanced over her shoulder, shrugged, and opened the car door without even unlocking them. "That's strange. I thought I locked it."
Tossing her duffel bag in the backseat, Monica smiled in slight confusion at the pile of blankets gracing the far back of the station wagon. "I don't remember going camping lately...but whatever."
The long road ahead, Monica set forth, blasting the radio loudly.
She grinned as she saw her house in the distance, growing smaller and more minute in the rearview mirror. Finally. Monica sighed and drummed her fingers on the dashboard, waiting strangely patient at the stop light.
"Shit. The map's in back." She gritted her teeth and estimated the time the stop light would be red. "Well the longer I wait, the longer I go without a map." She thought aloud. "But seriously, do I need a map right now? I'm, like, two minutes from home." She paused. "But sometimes the places we lose ourselves in the most are the places we always thought we'd never have trouble being found," she quoted some unknown entity. Unbuckling her seatbelt and whirling around, Monica began hearing soft, slightly muted breathing for the first time.
"That was deep, Mon," grumbled a voice from beneath the pile of blankets.
"Oh my God!" Monica screeched and pulled the car haphazardly over to the shoulder of the road. "What the hell?"
From out of the blankets popped Rachel, hair messed up and eyes bloodshot. "Hey!" She smiled gleefully, brushing the shimmering locks of golden hair from her eyes. "What's up?"
"Um...sorry. What?" Monica's jaw was practically scraping the red upholstery of the worn-in car.
Rachel squinted her eyes, still heavy from sleep. "Well, first I said that it was deep, your comment about being lost. And then I said hey. Then I wanted to know what was up." She smiled, climbing over the rows of backseats.
"Wha...what?" Monica shook her head, helping Rachel over the seats. "Rach, did you sleep in my car?"
She frowned. "No, you freaking locked it! I had to pick it with a bobby-pin this morning!"
"Well I do park it in the driveway. And I typically don't get guests in the middle of the night..." She trailed off. "Well, when did you get here?"
"You're not going to start with why?" Rachel smiled as she checked her teeth, peering disgustedly at her flawless reflection in the pocket mirror.
"I'm just trying to get a time-frame here, Rach."
"All right!" Rachel raised her eyebrows defensively. "I didn't think you'd mind me coming along!"
"I don't really," Monica mentally groaned. Her weekend with Chandler was going to undoubtedly turn into a weekend with her, Chandler, Rachel, and maybe Ross. 'Oh, God. Not Ross.'
"Well, since someone is so inquisitive today, I got here at about 5:30."
"A.M?"
"No, P.M." Rachel rolled her eyes. "Yes, A.M.! You get up so late, I expected you to be out here earlier. Otherwise, I may have gotten here later."
"Wow, you get up so early."
Rachel turned her head towards the window and stared at her transparent reflection. "Yeah, well, it's hard to sleep with all the screaming."
Monica's stomach fell; Rachel was referring to her parents. She reached over and touched Rachel's hand, immediately sorry for wishing she hadn't come. No one at their school knew about Rachel's dysfunctional home life, and Rachel preferred to keep it that way. "Are they at it again?"
"Yeah, something about a woman. Who knows." Rachel shrugged and Monica saw tears brimming underneath the surface of her cerulean eyes. Doing her best to blink them back, Rachel attempted a smile. "So. Should we go?"
"Sure. Do you have stuff with you?"
"Mon, you may leave the doors locked, but the trunk was wide open. My suitcases are in there."
"Suitcases?"
"Well, yeah." Her big blue eyes blinked innocently, as if to suggest there were no other way to travel.
"It's only a weekend, Rach."
"Not if I can help it."
Monica opened her mouth to comment on how they had to be back for school, but smartly decided not to press the issue at the moment. Rachel was going through enough and she was going to let her believe what she wanted. "Did you at least tell your parents you were leaving?"
Rachel shook her head, no.
"Not even a note?"
Rachel choked, hovering dangerously between a sob and a laugh. "They probably won't even notice that I'm gone."
Setting out to reassure her, Monica almost replied, "Sure they will." But she didn't. Perhaps Rachel's parents wouldn't notice she was gone. They hardly noticed anyone but themselves, and in that big of a house...anyone could be anywhere.
Monica sighed and turned up the radio, blasting it so loud that they couldn't hardly decipher the words. She turned into the street, setting out on their trip. The fact that Rachel's parents wouldn't take note of her departure crossed her mind once again. "Well, sometimes it's best that way."
"Huh?" Rachel looked back over at Monica, eyes tear-stained. Her lower lip jutted out from her mouth, a plateau to rescue the tears from freefalling for too long. As long as they didn't reach the ground, they were less real. Monica let out a languid sigh. If only the people who thought Rachel was perfect could see her now. Though Rachel sometimes didn't make time for Monica, Monica would always be there for her.
"Nothing." She gave her friend a smile of reassurance. "Let's get out of here."
An enthusiastic nod from Rachel encouraged her to floor the gas as they reached the highway.
Hair blowing in the breeze, both girls remained silent as the sped across the freeway.
With a far-off look in her eyes, Rachel focused on the scenery, fixating her gaze on the broken down cars lining certain portions of the road. She thought of her secret, something that could virtually destroy her. This was why she needed to take this trip, something she couldn't even reveal to Monica. It was imperative that she go back. It had to be done.
Watching the highway melt by in a haze of gray shallow concrete, Monica kept thinking about Rachel's impending tears.
'I feel so bad for her, she has so many problems.' Somewhat bitterly, she laughed in a tone inaudible below the beat of the music. 'But don't we all? Take a good look at yourself in the mirror.' Her stomach dropped and rumbled at the same time. 'But look where that's gotten you.'
For it only takes so many tears, so much heartbreak, so much pain to push someone to the brink before those tears parade in torrents...and finally burst.
Okay, so the ball is rolling! The next few chapters are big ones. They're important. As is the rest of the fic. ;) lol
I promise more updates soon. I do like reviews, though. :) But don't feel pressured. lol. I just like to know if people read it.
Hope everyone's having a great day!
Thanks!
Mel