Denny leaned disconsolately against the wall of the 'ones," thinking of her changed surroundings. She was back in the same 'four bed' dorm that she had once shared with Crystal, Zandra and what was the name of that kid who hung herself, Rachel that's her name. That memory gave her a headache of another bad memory in her life. Here she was, back there in the same cell, just different inmates. Of course Tina was nice and friendly enough but a bit slow on the uptake. Buki was all right but she didn't like the thought of that razor blade of hers being somewhere around the dorm. Blades just got her nerves on edge. Darlene got on her tits from time to time with her bloody music of hers and she really had to strain her ears to pick out half of what she was frigging well saying. It wasn't the same as just her and Lauren sharing a cell as she remembered that Lauren was dead considerate, knew how she felt and could make her laugh. It got her down that her life with Lauren was becoming a memory. It could have been worse after she went off the rails but everything around her was a depressing flat anti climax. She wondered vaguely how Lauren was going on and into her waking dreams, appeared the fairytale palace in which she must be living, swimming pool, country garden, house full of gadgets, plush carpets. Why should she think of prison, some shitty cell, in which she could have been banged up for life? Why should she ever bother to ever come back if she were in Lauren's shoes?
"So Yvonne's coming in this afternoon," Nikki's soft, very kindly voice insinuated itself into her dreams out of nowhere. She had been rushed off her feet all morning and wanted to pop in and make sure that Denny was in the right frame of mind to face Yvonne.
"She says she is. Doesn't mean that she'll come," Denny muttered cynically. Somehow it felt easier to stay hard and tough so it keeps all the crap out of your life. Don't expect much out of life so you won't get let down.
"You've known Yvonne as long as I have. Don't you know that one casual promise from her is worth its weight in gold? Do you really believe she's not turning up?"
"Suppose so," Denny muttered as the memory of Nikki's voice echoed round in her mind when she was up for adjudication.
"I took this job, Denny, precisely because I do know how bad things are. Is it so bad to want to improve what happens in a place like this, to make things better for you, for the Julies, Jesus, even for Al McKenzie? That's why I'm here, and that's why I'm trying to do the right thing."
"You scared a lot of us half to death, me included, when you were up on the roof so I'm not taking any chances on anything going wrong. I've double checked and I've just phoned Yvonne to make dead sure."
Nikki's intense brown eyes looked directly at her while Denny's eyes glazed over. Nikki chatted away to Denny in her friendly fashion but soon had the curious fashion that Denny wasn't listening.
"……..so how have you been getting on in the four bed dorm, Denny."
"Eh?" Denny mouthed almost silently. She had seen Nikki's mouth open and close and heard sounds come out of her mouth but they sounded more like what Nikki had gone on to tell her at her adjudication.
"Denny, I promise you, that I won't ever forget what it was like to be an inmate in here. They were three of the most difficult years of my life, but if I ever for one moment forgot I'd had them, I would be betraying the only truly wonderful thing that's ever happened to me. Okay?"
She'd been up before one authority figure after another, either in the children's home onwards and right through into Larkhall prison. She had got to get hard to survive either place and it was easier to be a bully and hit anyone weaker than herself to cover up her own hurt so she couldn't feel anything. They'd all sat behind their official desks and said the same load of crap, even Stewart. She was Shell's mate so Stewart had a down on her. It was simple as that, wasn't it? Only Nikki was different right now. She has to do everything her own way, the way Nikki had always done things, when she's stood up to Fenner and Bodybag all those years ago. She had always seen her at a distance and she really wished she'd known her better at the time. She was still the same though different and her words went round and round in her head. She was bloody right …..about everything and at least there was someone stronger and wiser than she was who had been one of them and was now looking after her. Behind her stood Miss Betts who'd been the first decent wing governor and hadn't ever forgotten her, had she. She hadn't been around Larkhall for a week or so and Denny hoped she was looking after herself. She half suspected that it had been down to her, the way she was chancing her arm up there on the roof. They could have both fallen over the edge. Why couldn't she be like any of them, or like Lauren? They had that kind of gloss that she never had. She wasn't jealous of any of them, it was just that she felt inadequate next to them.
"You haven't heard a word of what I've been saying, Denny," Nikki cut through Denny's deep thoughts with slightly strained patience.
"You're dead wrong, Nikki. I've heard everything you told me at adjudication. It's been going on round and round in my head."
"And does it make sense to you and it's not another load of well meaning crap?"
Like lightning, Nikki mentally shifted gear and put herself in Denny's mind. That was worth far more than the mild inconvenience of a second take of what she'd been saying.
Denny nodded her head vigorously.
"That's worth much more than anything. You have to have hope, haven't you?"
They looked into each other's eyes and that exchange of shared memories said everything. From anyone else, Nikki's words would have been a load of bollocks that meant sod all. Nikki was different. She'd been there.
Now are you listening, Denny….."
Denny grinned at Nikki's gentle, joking manner.
"……..then I'll begin again."
"Is Lauren coming?" Denny asked eagerly, starting to jump up and down in excitement. The day was getting better and surely it had to happen. Nikki's face fell and Denny knew the bitter truth before her words said so. The words were as gentle as could be but the truth was brutal.
"It ain't worth going to the visitor's room in that case."
"Don't be so bloody stupid," Came the smart retort. It could have been Yvonne talking to her. "I didn't press Yvonne for the reason why as she sounded uncomfortable so you go in and find out from her, do you hear."
Denny got the message and filed down after all the others. Her feelings were mixed but at least she felt better than this morning. She had to do as she was told. Everything was set up perfectly for the visit. Her loose fitting top was just about long enough in the sleeve so that the surgical bandage on her arm didn't really show. Besides, she could as easily have hurt her arm in some kind of accident.
Yvonne's welcome was warm and expansive as it could possibly be. On the bright side, it meant that she would get Yvonne's undivided attention. On the other hand, she wondered if it would exactly be a bonus, as she would be bound to know all about her little escapade up on the roof. It never crossed her mind that she would not know about it. As a result, Denny greeted Yvonne a little sheepishly.
"I suppose you're going to ask me what I was frigging well doing on the roof. I ain't sure myself how I got there."
"Denny, I can understand that you want to top up your suntan as Larkhall hasn't exactly got the latest in getting that tanned celebrity look, not with the Julies bangers and mash and a bit of sunshine in recreation if you're lucky. It's that Bodybag would be bound to notice you up on the roof. Even she's not that stupid."
Denny grinned slightly at Yvonne's totally affectionate piss take. It did its best to take away anything heavy from that day as much as words ever could.
"The main thing is that you're safe. I've been worrying over you and I wanted to make sure you're all right."
Even Denny's wavering and uncertain self-esteem couldn't prevent her being gently pulled into that emotionally comforting deep end of the pool. She had spent so much of her life avoiding getting her feet wet. A part of her still felt down and depressed. This was something that Yvonne picked up on straightaway and, rather than pussyfoot around the subject, opted for the direct approach.
"Come on, spit it out. There's something on your mind, Denny."
The younger woman sighed in despair. She was far worse than any screw in keeping secrets from. Even though Yvonne was on the outside, she seemed to know everything that went on on the inside. She shuffled uncomfortably in her chair and, as she was unconscious of the clock ticking, got to the point.
"It's just that I would have thought that Lauren would have come. I was looking forward to seeing her."
"You're really fond of her."
Denny nodded, unable to speak for a moment until she finally found words to express her feelings.
"Me and Lauren got to be real close. We would look after each other. When she was down, she would look after me like after I saw Shell in Ashmoor. It was the same when she first came here, I was the strong one. It made me feel dead important and somehow useful."
Yvonne immediately understood the weight of feeling behind those stumbling words.
"It's going to take Lauren a while before she can come back to Larkhall, Denny."
Yvonne explained patiently. "She's been finding it weird getting out. If you're on the inside, you've got a routine to keep your head straight, yeah, even the sort of pain in the arse like Bodybag.On the outside, you're trying to catch up with the person that you used to be but you find that you've changed. Prison changes you. I found that out when I got out of Larkhall. Lauren's finding that out and one day, you'll go through the same thing."
"Chance will be a fine thing," Denny muttered cynically.
"It will happen. You've got everything going for you. Yourself for a start, your mates and you've Nikki and Karen on your side as well. You haven't got that bastard Fenner to screw things up for you."
Denny looked thoughtfully at her. It was only her fear that just when something that she really wanted was going to happen, something would snatch it away from her.
"Lauren will come in her own time. She's like you. No use in pushing the pair of you. I should know."
Again, that incredible tenderness in Yvonne's voice performed that frigging miracle inside Denny's head.
"She's thinking of you all the time."
An impulse shot into Denny's mind, the way it always did. It was now or never.
"Can I talk to her? I mean now. Straight after visiting."
"I don't see why not but it ain't my nick. I only visit the place. I don't run it."
Behind Yvonne's inimitable grin, her mind was working overtime. She was highly conscious not to bring her friendship with Nikki into her job. Yvonne could see her out of the corner of her eye and wondered how she was taking that one. The old saying about not mixing business with pleasure always made sense to her. On the other hand, it had the makings of a good idea and Nikki was Nikki.
"I need a light."
"Sure"
For some reason, Denny raised her left hand to reach for Yvonne's Silk Cut cigarette, which was offered to her. As she did, her sleeve fell away and the surgical dressing came into view.
"How in hell did you do that?" Her voice was choked and throaty with emotion and utter shock. The moment the first word left her lips, she knew. It could only spell one thing. All her dormant instincts and memories of Larkhall fitted the pieces of the puzzle together in a sickeningly easy way.
"Eh?"
The expression on Denny's face was of total bemusement at the situation and of Yvonne's reaction. Time had moved on for Denny and that mad stuff with the razor blade was something she didn't want to think of, something she had pushed into the past as quickly as the passing days had let her. Life moved on in prison. It had also never crossed her mind that Nikki wouldn't have told Yvonne and that, alternatively, she wouldn't have known from any other source. She knew everything. It had always been that way.
"I've been stupid. I cut myself with a razor blade," She said shamefacedly.
Nikki had been watching the conversation from some distance away but her sharp ears had caught the drift of the conversation. Her hand covered her mouth in horror and she blushed in shame. She had only talked to Yvonne earlier that morning and a parallel instinct to Denny's had made her unconsciously push out of her mind the horrors of Denny cutting up. It meant that an outraged Yvonne was glaring in her direction with devastating eye contact.
"Selena, get the keys to the private interview room and fast. I'm going to need it."
Her feet took her reluctantly and stiffly in Yvonne's direction.
"I know what you're thinking, Yvonne," She started apologetically and hesitantly.
"Don't you just."
Nikki winced before the suppressed ferocity of Yvonne's opening verbal blast before an instinct in her prompted her to take over. She had always acted that way, whether as wing governor, dealing with drunken women in the club or haranguing Helen in a matter of blatant injustice.
"The three of us need a private room. Let's move it."
"Are you saying that as head screw?"
Yvonne was secretly aghast at the way the words shot out of her mind. She didn't really mean to say that but they came to Nikki's rescue as controlled anger took over. In the very few arguments she had had with Yvonne, she was the one fellow prisoner who was her match.
"No, as Nikki Wade, same as I've always been. We need to be able to talk in private and get this sorted out, as long as it takes. Now move it, I said."
That whiplash crack of authority in Nikki's voice got the other two women to their feet and they followed Nikki's determined forceful stride. Secretly, she hadn't a clue what she was going to say but she put her trust in instinct. It couldn't be worse than when she had single handedly confronted the Peckham Boot Gang and their friends when they were getting the knives out in the middle of the prison riot.
"Denny, I bet you've guessed a bit of what's going on .I never mentioned anything about you cutting up not to Cassie, Roisin, Josh Crystal or Lauren or anyone when I went round to Yvonne's the night that Lauren got out…"
An instinct in Yvonne could see the way that Nikki shook inwardly at the mention of the name of every friend of theirs who she'd kept in the dark. Nikki didn't mean to do it but that didn't help her at that moment.
"So why didn't you say, Nikki. Just one word would have helped. You've got a phone. You could have told me anytime even if you were too busy to see me."
Nikki flinched at the perfect truth of the remarks. She didn't know what made her feel worse, the other woman's blazing anger or her hurt sorrow.
"I could never have told you, not when you were so happy that night with Lauren getting out, sorry Denny…….."
"That's all right, Nikki," Denny said eagerly. It was down to her to stop both women hurting so much, especially as it was over her.
"……..as for later on, well, I could have told you but I didn't want to think about it. I messed up, Yvonne."
Nikki ground to a halt. She felt that she should say more but did not know how. Unknown to her at that moment, it was the best thing she could have done. Yvonne had slipped back into seeing the smart suit of the wing governor but when she blinked, it was only Nikki after all.
"Don't mind admitting it's been a hell of a shock. I thought you were doing so well."
"That's because Lauren was getting out. I thought you didn't need me," Blurted out Denny.
"You soft cow, Denny. You know better now? Once you're in the firm, I mean the family, you don't get out so easily. You hear that?"
Yvonne gathered up Denny in her arms and gave her a big hug as the room went very quiet, in fact surprisingly so. The usual background sound of a room full of visitors and prisoners rapidly talking appeared to have faded into the distance and time was passing. At first Nikki thought that the cut and thrust of the very fraught argument had taken it out of all of them until she realized that the visitor's room really had gone quiet.
"Can Denny make a call to Lauren from your office, Nikki. I know you wouldn't do that sort of thing and I wouldn't be asking if I didn't think that if Denny had some contact with Lauren it would help her."
What she really meant to say was that it might stop Denny doing anything stupid again but Nikki got the drift straightaway. There was a polite knock at the door and Selena popped her head round the door.
"Sorry to disturb, miss, but I thought I'd check to make sure everything was all right."
"You did right, Selena. I take it that the visiting room is clear now?"
"Very exceptionally, I'm proposing to escort Yvonne Atkins and Denny Blood to my office and I'll be responsible for their whereabouts afterwards when I'll show my face on the wing. If anyone wants me, I'm not to be disturbed for the next half hour unless it's an emergency. Got that?"
It intrigued Yvonne to hear her old friend assume the official tones so perfectly but Nikki always had been smart that way.
The three of them trooped along to Nikki's office, past a gaping Bodybag who muttered 'typical' under her breath and into Nikki's room.
"I shouldn't have taken it out of you earlier on, Nikki. I'm sorry," Yvonne said promptly. As they had been walking, she had been turning matters over in her mind. It needed to be said.
"Forget it. I'd have done the same if I were in your shoes. I used to have a really bad temper as you remember"
Yvonne grinned back and Nikki promptly made everyone welcome and turned her attention to Denny with a question that was niggling away at the back of her mind.
"Help yourself to the phone, Denny but, one thing. Are you going to let Lauren know what happened or should I do it?"
The expression on Denny's face was scared. She daren't tell Lauren, as she would be too ashamed.
"Leave it to me, Nikki till when I get home. Don't you do it, you've taken on quite enough."
Yvonne's face was set like iron as she spoke in hard, determined, authoritative tones. Nikki was glad to give way to her.
"Hi Lauren……yes, I've been a pillock in not talking sooner………not too bad, I'm sharing with Buki, Tina and Darlene in the four bed dorm………yeah, Darlene gets on my tits but I'm getting used to her crap music……..well, it's your turn to get out, I'd be a twat if I thought you sort of have to hang around Larkhall waiting for me to get out…….I'm phoning from Nikki's office instead of the phone box……well, she's being dead kind and thinks I need cheering up as well……how's the swimming pool and the house……bet you're having the time of your life…… you come when you feel ready…..mum's been filling me in about how you've been feeling and I understand…….. Love you loads and I can't wait to see you………"
The two other women smiled fondly at Denny and were glad to hear Denny at her best chattering excitedly about nothing in particular. It was the best for all concerned.