disclaimer I don't own Bleach

notes I really like Kon. He's super-awesome. Another first person from me. If I only knew what I was trying to say here, it wouldn't be so weird sounding. Le sigh. Still, read it for Kon's sake, 'kay?

timeline Just after Kon makes an appearace. Spoilers for that, and for Ichigo's mother.

pairings slight IchigoRukia

warnings Nothing. Only, Kon's not supposed to be this gloomy. Or hard to interpret. The title has to do with that chapter in the manga where it's very Kon-centric, and he starts to talk about what his name stands for. Or, for the OP of the anime, the scene where Inoue and Tatsuki spray-paint. Take your pick.

King of New York

I was made in a test tube. A sort of 'test-tube baby', if you will. I don't remember much about being born, or made, or whatever, and I don't really know which of my feelings are real of artificial.

But sometimes I can see flashes of things that aren't really happening, that haven't happened. A girl's smile, a small house, a rainy day.

Nee-san says that those are the residual memories from the souls which were taken to create me. She said that it must be because Soul Society's cleansing program wasn't as great as they had thought.

That stupid Ichigo says that a big portion of my past life must have been a pervert.

And I don't really mind. It's not a bad life, being stuffed. I don't get hungry, and I get to move around.

But still—I find myself wondering, sometimes.

Wondering who that girl was. Wondering who lived in that house. Why it was raining.

Nee-san says that those were the memories that must have stood out for the souls that were consumed, and it makes me wonder how they had died. How they had lived. It makes me wonder about my life now.

—

I don't really dream. Well, if I do, I don't remember them when I wake. It's just a void of darkness, and every time I try to remember, I get a buzzing in my head, and I give it up. Because if I keep trying, eventually I'll start to wonder if I even really have a head, and if I—

And I don't like to go that far.

But mostly, I just sit and watch nee-san and Ichigo sit around and be all awkward around each other. And I learn to be quiet because every time I mention that since the anniversary of Ichigo's mother's death, they haven't been the same, they smack me.

And if I get mad and declare that nee-san's mine, and as soon as Ichigo goes off and dies, I'll show her what a real man can do, they smack me harder.

And when Ichigo's not around, nee-san hisses at me angrily about being more considerate, and thinking before speaking, and don't I know that that was his mother?

And I keep my mouth shut, because nee-san always looks so sad, and it makes me wonder why, and who that was close to her has died, and I don't say anything, not just because she is no longer looking at me.

I don't say anything because I don't know what to say.

I've never had a mother, you see.

—

Nee-san's always doing some kind of homework, and one time I heard her murmuring to Ichigo about a poet dreaming he was a butterfly.

He dreamed so vividly that when he woke up, he couldn't decide if he was a poet dreaming he was a butterfly, or a butterfly dreaming he was a poet.

It reminds me of being a pill. Of being forcibly taken from my stuffed body and being clutched in a hand, and the feeling of being compressed, all of my feelings and thoughts being tightened, and I panic, because I can feel them slipping, and I don't know if they'll still be there, because when you're a pill, there's not a lot of room for thoughts—

And then I'll be shoved in a mouth, and someone will swallow me, and it will be okay. And Ichigo wonders why I hate being taken out so much.

Nee-san likes the story, because it has a butterfly in it, and because it reminds her of something. Something painful, but she likes it because it helps remind her.

She thinks the butterfly was a butterfly of death.

Ichigo doesn't really think much of the story, but when nee-san's not looking, he looks thoughtful. He thinks the poet was dreaming about death. He thinks the poet died, and that the lines between worlds can sometimes blur uncomfortably.

Here's what I think, even though they don't ask me. Even though they think that when they whisper together like that, that no one sees them, and no one notices.

I think that the poet was nothing. That there was never anything. I think that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, no matter how real it seems, there is nothing there.

That in life, there are never only two scenarios, and sometimes wishing for them to be there won't make it so. That the longing for something real sometimes means that there is less reality.

I think the man was just dreaming. Like me.

end

Nee-san says she hates it when I get moody like this. Ichigo says that I remind him of Tatsuki and Inoue and Ishida during PMS.

end-notes I don't really know what that was about. But that poet/butterfly thing was from somewhere I can't remember. I only know that it was famous. And I don't even know if it had a butterfly. Oh well. The interpretations of it are what I think the characters would think, and I know they are probably not right. Artistic license, though.