Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER EIGHT

"You do know that I'm a Malfoy right?"

"Yes you stubborn arrogant prat. I am well aware of your misguided impression of your own self-importance."

"And you still want me to apprentice to you?"

"For some reason I cannot fathom right now, yes."

"Very well. I'll do it. But no sexual favors. And don't try and trick me. I know which Potions really require nudity."

"Am I too old for you?"

Draco groaned. "Yes of course. And you have got to let the child molestation jokes drop."

Severus smirked and shook his head. "Fine. But here's a bit of advice: When you're trying to make someone stop making fun of your personal preferences involving young boys and their knuts avoid ending with the verb 'drop.' You make it too easy."

"I'm going to hate this, aren't I?"

"Oh come now, Draco. A year assistant teaching all the young Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs of the world? A year in a castle containing the Headmaster and his army of lemon drops? A year in the one place guaranteed to attract Mr. Potter's pranking wrath? You know we need to unite and suffer together."

Draco just sighed audibly and shook his head. Inside he was quite excited at the opportunity to become a Potions Master, as well as spending more time around the one person most likely to sympathize with his pain.

Severus explained. "So, you wouldn't know this, but now that our secrecy oaths have been lifted we have some more freedom in our plotting against the Lord of the Light, our Master Potter."

"And you want to know what secret I was keeping since I really have nothing holding me back now?"

Severus nodded and tried not to smile.

Draco observed him thoughtfully and was trying to drag this out like he was thinking about it. They stared at each other unblinking for four minutes before Draco cracked. "Fine. Since it really doesn't matter. You remember some of the Dark Lord's private journals no one could read or understand?"

Severus nodded.

"Well I copied most of them and gave them to Potter. It was how he unraveled a lot of the rituals the Dark Lord had done. But they weren't all personal journals of his. One of them was from Slytherin himself. And several of them were spell books that would only be useful to the Golden Boy anyway."

"One of Slytherin's journals! Could he translate it for us?"

Draco smirked. "Well, it's possible I may have already received a birthday present of a translation. Maybe if you're really nice I'll let you read it."

"I am not nice. So what do you want?"

"Merely you to tell me everything you know about what our venerable Master has done and been up to. I know better than to think he's merely blowing off steam. Potter is up to something."

"That is acceptable." Inwardly Severus was smirking. He was planning on sharing all of these things with his apprentice anyway. "What did you mean the spell books were only good to Potter?"

"Ahh, well, you know that rumor about Parsel magic being a real practicable art?"

Severus's face lit up in understanding. "Of course, he is likely the only living parseltongue at the moment. It is a written language too?"

Draco nodded. "You know the Fountain of Magical Brethren at the Ministry that no one has been able to change?" Severus nodded and urged him to continue. "Well one of the first Parsel spells Potter practiced with me was a locking charm that makes magics uncounterable without the Parsel counter."

Severus started laughing. "So no one will ever be able to return it to normal without Potter's assistance. That brat can be downright evil."

Draco smirked, "You can't exactly vanquish a dark lord by winning him over with kindness."

"I'd like to see you convince the Headmaster of that." Severus retorted.

Draco winced. "I'm guessing he is aware of my relationship with Potter, and that's how you're now able to offer me the apprenticeship and Assistant Professor position?"

Severus nodded. "I would have pushed for it last year, but a few members of his little group seem to think you're going to be the next Dark Lord."

Draco rolled his eyes. "And this is the group arguing not to judge people based on blood?"

Severus shrugged. "Well, you know the side of the Light has a new leader, who will have his own group, and we're guaranteed charter members whether we like it or not."

Draco was tickling Tibbles on his arm. "So I know Granger is teaching History these days, and I heard the DADA teacher quit this time rather than simply be killed. So who's going to be teaching that now?"

"Actually this leads into what I was going to inform you about Mr. Potter's plans. We've got Professor Flamel teaching it again. Part of allowing him to teach again was why our secrecy oaths got removed, or substituted for."

"Flamel? He was an excellent instructor. He's not half as bad as the Headmaster, and even I know to respect him. I'd love to see an all out duel between him and Potter."

Severus shook his head. "That's doubtful to happen. Here, my young apprentice, look at this." He handed him the vial with the black liquid in it.

"What is this? And how do you open it?"

"Two questions I would love to have answered. That's the vial Potter password protected."

"And what am I to do with a material we cannot identify or for that matter even get to?"

"You're the apprentice. Figure it out. And I do know a bit more about the substance."

Draco raised an eyebrow waiting for Severus to continue. "Mr. Potter and Professor Flamel are working on a new and impressive discovery of a magical substance and its uses. I'm told this will be more significant than the work Mr. Flamel and the Headmaster did on the uses of dragon's blood. This is a vial of the new material they are working on."

"Crikey. Just what we need. Potter revolutionizing wizarding society even more. Pretty soon we'll all be wearing red and gold and playing ring around the rosey with the elves, creatures, and muggles."

"Careful what you say. I incited Mr. Potter's wrath at the meeting last night."

"He was there? And I hope you didn't need to change your drawers. He can get vindictive sometimes."

"I believe he was there, but I'm not sure. I don't think anyone else suspects him of having been in attendance and hiding, except for the Headmaster."

"Ahh, and I take it the two of you are getting restless not knowing what is in this vial and what Mr. Potter is doing?"

"Just figure it out. That's your first task as my apprentice. You won't need to prepare for the school year, though you will be sharing in my duties."

"Fair enough. Just don't be disappointed when I haven't the foggiest clue what is in this vial when the school year starts."

"At least you've got confidence."

"Oh I've got plenty of that. Here, I want you to meet somebody." Draco led Severus into his study where he pointed to a large 8 foot portrait of a man who looked strikingly like Draco.

"Salz, I'm going to apprentice under him, so I thought he should know about you." Draco informed his painted twin.

"Severus Snape, I would like you to meet Salazar, the portrait I spoke of to you."

Severus looked at Draco oddly and nodded to the man in the portrait.

"Severus, Salz here is the one keeping an eye on the Slytherin common room. You know the unmoving portrait of Salazar Slytherin above the fireplace? In my 6th year, that portrait was swapped out with another newly made portrait. The new one which for all intents and purposes appears identical was a portrait of the portrait, but in areas unseen hidden behind the portrait in the portrait, Salazar moves and listens freely. And of course he could talk if he wanted. Pains me to say, it was a rather Slytherin idea. I mean who would question an unmoving portrait that's been there for centuries?"

"Think we could get him in trouble for invasion of privacy?"

Draco just looked at Severus.

Severus sighed. "Yeah didn't think so."

Albus was at his happiest. It was a new school year. He got his old friend Nicholas to come back and teach again. Since Nicholas left Albus had one teacher get killed, and another quit. Both after one year. He was beginning to wonder if that DADA curse was still going on. Severus seemed much more pleasant now that he brought a friend to play with at work. Hermione, just two years out of school, and now teaching for the second year, had significantly turned around failing grades and some of the disinterest in History of Magic. Maybe not too much of it, but some is a step in the right direction. Argus had resigned as well, and the new caretaker should prove to be quite entertaining. And right now, Minerva McGonagall was leading in some new ickle firsties to be sorted. Fresh young minds to corrupt and scare. In a healthy educational way of course.

The sorting hat was once again awoken and it began its annual song:

I am the Sorting Hat and you're expecting a sorting song.
I'm getting tired of this, so I promise not to take long.
Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff , Gryffindor, and Slytherin.
They're all about the same. It doesn't matter which one I put you in.

But ickle firsties, your hair can be filthy, disgusting, and grimy.
I wish you would shampoo more. You're all a bit slimy.

"No offense, Professor Snape." The lackadaisical Hat broke from his song and assured the Potions Master. The Professor was about to curse the Hat when it continued its uninspired song:

You may fear the new caretaker, but I assure you it is not her.
Any problems or pranks, it's always that rotten twerp Potter!

He's here and watching you, like in Nineteen Eighty-Four.
He was always more Slytherin even though I put him in Gryffindor.
So be careful who you talk to and watch the food that's on your plate.
Now let me sort you lazy buggers and give me my two minutes of hate!

Nicholas leaned over to Albus. "I told you to let the hat enjoy his drinking. 'It's not a problem.' I said. 'He's a hat!' I said. But noooo, you just had to interfere and piss off one of the working millennium old relics around here."

"Careful what you say about millennium old relics, Grandpa." Albus snottily replied.

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat and the limited applause the hat received was quickly halted. There were still a number of people staring at Argus Filch wondering why the hat mentioned a new female caretaker. Professor McGonagall called up the first years, and the bitter hat proceeded to sort all the students barking out house names with a lot of anger and distrust. After the kids were sorted they all feasted on the massive amounts of delicious house elf prepared food.

The Headmaster stood up, called for silence, and was about to address the students when a very well known snowy white owl flew into the Great Hall carrying a smoking red letter and dropped it in front of Professor Granger. Hedwig just shook her sad little head at Hermione and flew off. The owl cuffed Professor Flamel in the head as she left, but he was too curious about the howler to barely notice. The majority of the staff was already snickering, when the Howler burst open and started to berate the History of Magic Professor.

The well known voice of Harry Potter boomed and echoed throughout the Hall. "Professor Hermy! How dare you! That was the most important priceless artifact discovered in years! And how does a highly regarded Hogwarts professor treat a delicate piece of history? She uses it for her grocery shopping lists! Honestly. I thought you respected books. Next time I find a Magical Tome of Alexandria at an Antique Mall in Topeka, I'm just going to keep my three-fifty. You hear me, students of Hogwarts, Hermy is a book-hater! You filthy book-hater!" the howler quieted down significantly and finished "Sorry Hermy, just felt the student population should be warned and know to protect their books around you." The howler burst into shreds and dust that fell in Hermione's hair as she was banging her head on the table again. The new caretaker slowly pushed a fork that was resting on the edge of a plate underneath the History of Magic Professor's head. She managed to bring her head down on one side of the fork, flipping the other side up, and a chunk of mashed potatoes landed on an angry Potions Master.

Albus reasserted control of the situation by scolding "Bad caretaker! Bad!"

"As I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted by Professor Granger's howler, we have a few old faces to welcome back and a couple of new ones. Let's welcome back to the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts, Professor Nicholas Flamel." Nicholas stood and waved and received a lot of cheers. "I would also like to welcome, an apprentice to our Potions Master, and our new Assistant Professor of Potions, Professor Draco Malfoy." Scattered applause from three tables and some loud cheering from the Slytherins. "And we have a new caretaker this year at Hogwarts, I ask that you respect her and observe all the rules. She is on a sabbatical from the auror corps and will not stand for inappropriate behavior. Miss Nympha- Oww! Excuse me, Miss Tonks." The student body was a bit scared when Argus Filch had quickly cursed the Headmaster, and then stood up, smiled, and waved at them all.

It was an impressive silence. A bold Gryffindor could be heard in the back saying "That's the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The Headmaster interrupted the quiet murmurs. "Since Miss Tonks seems most comfortable in the guise of our former caretaker, I will inform you all that she is a metamorphmagus. She can look like anyone, so be extra careful in any of your attempts at mischief."

Tonks frowned and shifted into her normal pink-haired appearance scowling deeply at the Headmaster.

Someone in the back called out, "Okay now that is the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

A small wave of laughter spread. Tonks snapped her head towards the direction the sound came from. "Oi! Who said that?"

The kids in the back were looking around panicking. "It was the wall over there!" One student yelled. Another responded, "No it wasn't. It was the suit of armor over there!"

Albus quickly ended the discussions and instructed the prefects to lead the students back to their house common rooms after running through the usual notices about Hogsmeade weekends, the Forbidden forest, and the practice of magic in the hallways.

As the students were filing out, Madame Pomphrey walked up to the staff table. "Professor Flamel? If you or anyone else was wishing to see the birth of an abomination of life, we're doing it now." The school's healer then left and went back to her ward.

Nicholas jumped out of his seat in excitement and was clapping his hands joyfully.

Hermione had Tonks's attention and asked, "Professor Flamel? Why are you so excited?"

"Professor Granger, I have lived over six centuries. And in that time, I have seen puppies born, I have seen cesarean sections, and I have even seen men pregnant. But I am quite sure I have never seen a man receive a cesarean section while giving birth to a puppy."

Hermione looked on a little worriedly at her happily skipping colleague. "Hey Tonks, you ever wonder how many paint fumes you would inhale over the course of nearly seven centuries of living?"

Tonks just chuckled. "Come on, Professor Hermy. You know you want to see this as much as I do."

"Okay, but hold my hand. I'm scared."

"Me too Hermy, me too."

Just as Tonks and Hermione made their way in, George yelled out "Oh my god that is disgusting!"

Madame Pomphrey responded "Hey you don't have to tell me. But without magic muggle gynecologists do the best they can."

George turned to his brother lying in the hospital bed. "Remember our breathing exercises. You can do this."

"How is 'Puff, puff, pass.' going to help me?" A sweating Fred asked while his bulging belly was gyrating and barking.

"No idea. Just seemed like something I've heard people say." George said.

"How dilated am I?" asked Fred.

George got a bit ill. "Eww and no. We're cutting Padfoot out of your belly. Trust me. You wouldn't survive pushing him out your urethra."

Fred looked over. "Hey Professor Flamel, Hermione, Tonks. You guys hoping to get a pick of the litter?"

The three observers eyes widened and weren't sure how to respond.

Fred laughed a bit. "I'm just kidding. There's only one and we wouldn't give him up for anything in the world."

"Darn tootin'," George added with a very serious look on his face.

"Alright you morons. Fred, you shouldn't feel a thing, but if you insist on being awake for this, I cannot stand you acting like an idiot and talking. George, you're holding him down just for good measure." Madame Pomphrey instructed.

A numbing charm and a few smooth cuts were made before Madame Pomphrey was interrupted.

Fred suggested, "While we've got me open like this, any chance we could take out a rib or two safely?"

George looked a bit jealous at the prospect.

The frustrated matron responded, "Shut it Fred. You're one sick puppy."

Both brothers were startled. "Oh no! What's happening?"

"Settle down you freaks. I meant you are a living breathing perversion. The puppy seems to be doing fine. Wriggly little thing loves urinating everywhere."

Fred just giggled. "It tickles."

Madame Pomphrey lifted up some sort of fluid filled sack that made everyone watching feel ill. A few cuts on some odd pieces of membrane and they all smiled at the sound of quiet barking and yipping. The new mother relaxed back and seemed awfully woozy. Madame Pomphrey cleaned a number of odd areas and healed most of his abdomen. The puppy's other father was rocking the little guy to sleep.

"How's our little Padfoot doing?" a barely conscious Fred asked.

Madame Pomphrey smiled even if a part of her felt she had just unleashed a being of pure evil into the world. "He's going to be fine. Feed him only these exact bottles of milk. They're supposed to survive only off the milk of their mother to start with. And I truly fear wondering what you two would do to the puppy attempting to come up with something for it. So I made some special charmed milk that will act identically to a mother's. If you must be socially deviant you can fashion a teat for him to suckle from. He will be deaf for at least two weeks, and should begin developing his spots then."

"Spots?" Fred asked.

Madame Pomphrey nodded. "Yes. Padfoot is a Dalmatian. Right now his left ear is black and the rest of his body is white. He will begin developing his black round spots within a couple weeks."

"Are there any magical breeds of Dalmatians?" George asked.

Madame Pomphrey tsked and tutted. "Well there weren't before tonight. Should I be getting even more scared of you two?"

Fred replied, "No ma'am. Just asking. I still love my gay squib son." Fred was now poking his still numb stomach and running his fingers along the faint scars.

"He's probably too young to be considered gay. He's not really your son. And he's not a squib. He is a dog." She explained shaking her head.

George shook his head. "We don't care what he is. He's our Padfoot."

Madame Pomphrey asked, "You're going to be able to handle this, right?"

"Right," said Fred.

George added. "No problem Madame Pomphrey." He looked up at the healer matron. "You look like you could use a drink. I don't think we need your help anymore tonight."

"Thank you George." She nodded at him. "Tonight, Fred, you are staying here." She continued with a nod. She turned to her colleagues in Professor Granger, Professor Flamel, and Miss Tonks. "Please never mention this evening to me ever again." She walked out the door to the hospital and disappeared from sight.

Professor Flamel finally spoke up for the first time since arriving in the hospital wing. "I thought it would be funny and disgusting," He said with a big smile on his face. That quickly turned into a very ill and nauseated look. "Instead it was disgusting and funny."

Tonks just frowned and asked. "Do the insides of all men look like that?"

Professor Flamel responded. "Absolutely not! Most of us are much neater." He cast a spell on the midsection of his robes and belly and showed off the fact that his insides were a series of filing cabinets labeled as 'snips', 'snails', 'puppy dog tails', 'sugar', and 'spice'.

"What happened to 'everything nice'?" Professor Granger asked.

Professor Flamel looked a bit ashamed. "There was hardly any there so I just sorted it with 'snips'."

Tonks looked apprehensively at the DADA Professor. "You're a bit weird, aren't you?"

Professor Flamel smiled. "Miss Tonks, I am quite old. I prefer the term eccentric."

Hermione was beginning to think a drink and forgetting this evening sounded like a good idea. She asked Tonks. "Good night Professor Flamel. Tonks, you want some firewhiskey?"

"Please." Tonks answered Hermione. "Night Professor." She added to Nicholas.

As Professor Flamel headed back to his private quarters he wondered why he wasn't even invited to get drunk to with two young attractive females. He assumed it was because with lowered inhibitions they would be unable to keep themselves from inappropriately touching his sexy body. Goodness knows he has the same problem when he drinks.