Part Two Hundred And Five
On the Saturday evening, Nikki eventually arrived at her decision. She hadn't just slept on it, but had given herself the entire day to mull it over on and off, to make sure she was honestly happy with Helen propositioning Karen on their behalf. She wasn't so sure that Karen would say yes, but she finally figured that if she did take up their offer for a little light company, it might just be fun. She and Helen had never before considered inviting anyone to join them, but this was different. Karen was a friend, a friend who was still desperately trying to find a way to cope, to get through every single day of her existence. If they could make her feel a little happier, for even just a couple of hours, then it was worth it.
When she and Helen went upstairs to get changed before dinner, the clothes they'd been wearing being unbearably creased from hours of sitting and listening to speeches, Nikki told her. "If you wanted to put your suggestion into action," She said, as Helen stood at the mirror applying her make up. "I'd be happy to be part of it." Turning round, with her mascara wand in hand, Helen said, "Are you sure?" Nikki smiled at her. "Yeah, of course I'm sure. I wouldn't say it if I wasn't." "Shall I ask her tonight?" Helen said, making Nikki grin at the eagerness in her voice. "Yeah, why not, though she mightn't say yes, you know." "No, I know, but it's worth a try, because Karen ending up in bed with the Judge would be a disaster."
Later that evening after they'd eaten dinner and were sitting drinking in the bar, Helen thought it might be time to raise the subject. John was submerged with a group of people they didn't know on the other side of the room, and Nikki had tracked down Clare for a catch up. Knowing that she had to take the bull by the horns, whilst they were temporarily alone in their little corner, Helen cursed yet again the no-smoking policy of the hotel. "You're looking very pensive," Karen said, taking a sip of her wine, not a bad vintage for a hotel chain. "I've got something to ask, well, to suggest to you," Helen said carefully, already thinking this a particularly bad idea. "And that sounds ridiculously formal." "I'm intrigued," Karen told her, seeing that Helen was having a certain amount of difficulty. "This is going to sound incredibly stupid," Helen continued, her Scottish accent becoming a little more pronounced with the rise of her tension. "But I'll kick myself for ever if I don't say it. You're looking quite tense this weekend, as if you're trying to pick someone up for a good night or two." "That's very perceptive of you," Karen observed with a smile, wondering what on earth Helen was leading up to. "And is that a bad thing?" "No, of course it isn't," Helen said with a laugh. "But, I suppose what I'm trying to say, is that you don't need to look so hard. After a moment's astonished silence, Karen said, "Helen, are you saying what I think you're saying?" Thinking that she must be dreaming for even entertaining such an idea. "That depends on what you think I'm saying," Helen replied flirtatiously. "Are you propositioning me?" Karen asked her plainly, her face now completely serious. "Yeah, I am," Helen said with a soft smile. "Is this just coming from you, or is it on behalf of Nikki as well?" Karen asked, still not quite able to believe what she was hearing. "Both of us," Helen said without hesitation. "I wouldn't do this without her." "Erm, why, if it's not a stupid question?" "Where do you want me to start?" Helen asked with a light laugh, now that the really hard part was over. "You're incredibly attractive, it might be fun, and because, we both think you need it." Karen just stared at her, completely stunned. Here she was, being offered a night or two of deliciously hedonistic pleasure, with two extremely attractive women, because they thought she needed it. They must be the two most caring, wonderful, incredible friends she had in the world, to offer her something like this, which wouldn't normally have been within the sphere of their relationship. Helen was right, she did need it, but that didn't mean she should accept it. She could feel the faint prickling behind her eyelids, the brief constriction in her throat that heralded tears. "Sweetheart, don't cry," Helen urged her gently, laying one of her hands over Karen's. "I... I think that's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me," Karen told her quietly, trying to rein in her emotions. "And if I was looking for female company, I would take you up on your offer like a shot, but I think I need a break from women. At the moment, I need to have as few reminders of what it was like to be with George as possible. So please, don't take any offence when I say no." "Okay," Helen said gently. "Just remember that the offer's always there."
Excusing herself by saying that she needed some air, Karen escaped upstairs to her room, knowing that she needed to be alone, completely away from the threat of being disturbed. When she stepped out onto her balcony, the tears were already cascading down her cheeks, and her hands slightly trembled as she lit a cigarette. God, she really was fragile if such a usually tempting offer could knock her for six like this. The truth was that she simply felt empty, hollow, as if all the positive feelings had been thoroughly drained from her. When she'd finished her cigarette, she flicked the end over the side of the balcony, and went back indoors, immediately shedding her clothes and snuggling under the thick hotel duvet. Her body shook as she cried into her pillow, the longing for a pair of arms uncommonly strong. But they weren't female arms she wanted, but strong, warm, masculine arms, to hold her down, to take the only thing she had left to give, to treat her body as the empty shell it was. This was what she needed, she realised in the dark, the sort of treatment she'd received that first time with Ritchie Atkins. He had given her back some of the feeling after Fenner, and now she needed someone else to do the same. In having her body forcefully, yet permissibly taken, she might be able to tear herself out of the grasp of her depression, to re-emerge into the land of the living, to once again be a fully functioning human being.