Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: Just a warning, I jest a bit at some parts of religion. It's all in good faith though. (See I'm punny.) If you're easily offended you won't be reading this story anyway. I would think the Disclaimer might cover this, but in case you're not terribly familiar with canon, most of the third paragraph is taken straight from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone Chapter 8.

CHAPTER NINE

The timid first year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs were waiting on their first Potions class to begin.

The classroom doors banged open and two men stormed in, marching step for step in perfect stride with each other. Their cloaks were billowing behind them as though they were both in a wind tunnel. If you looked closely you could see the waves and movement in the two cloaks were exact mirror images of the other. They both reached the front and walked around opposite sides and met back behind the Professor's desk. They had identical evil sneers as they both started on opposite sides of the room and slowly ran their eyes across the entire class. The greasier dark haired man took a breath.

"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potionmaking," he began. "I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses ... I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death –" His demeanor quickly shifted into a bright smile. "But before we get into that, I want to talk about someone."

The younger blonde was smiling now too. "Talk about someone! That sounds swell. Who do you want to talk about?"

The dark-haired man straightened himself and looked up proudly, "I want to talk about the most important person in the world. Ever."

"Well who is that?" The blonde Professor turned towards the class. "Does anyone here know the most important person in the world?"

The first year's eyes were wide and a few Hufflepuffs were fidgeting and appeared to be resisting their natural flight instincts. None of them dared to speak.

The dark-haired one smiled and turned to his Apprentice. "Well, we'll tell you."

The two professors turned to the class, dead serious looks on their faces, and nodded their heads with every syllable when they in unison said, "Harry Potter."

It appeared like a few first years' eyes were about to just tip forward and fall out of their sockets.

"Harry Potter, as you should know, single-handedly completely decimated and humiliated the Dark Lord. He is widely accepted as the most powerful wizard alive. Some say ever."

The pair of Professor's tag-team attacked with dueling explanations of the god-like altar they all should exult The-Boy-Who-Lived on.

"The main reason, we cannot say for certain he is the most powerful ever, is both because we're not sure about many ancient wizards, and also because we cannot build sensors that will go high enough to accurately measure the incredible awe-inspiring power available at his fingertips."

"Some people say when he went to a Seer, she tried to read his lifeline, and it turned into a circle and is never-ending."

A brave Ravenclaw asked, "Do you mean he is immortal?"

The blonde nodded. "It's highly probable. Even if he's not, it's doubtful we would find out in our lifetimes. Or even our great-grandchildren's for that matter."

A confused Hufflepuff stated, "I thought he was just a powerful kid, and he's acting all childish because he never got a proper childhood."

The dark-haired man considered the statement and responded, "It's more like he is a baby God right now just testing his limits. I mean compared with eternity, he's still very much an infant."

A disbelieving Ravenclaw asked, "Are you serious? Is he a god?"

The blonde smiled and shrugged. "You may have to decide that for yourself. But I know there is a splinter sect of Wizarding Christianity that claims Jesus was the first Son of God, but Harry is the favorite Son of God."

The dark-haired man needed complete control in order to not let a snort escape at that last one. "I remember when he was only twelve and with no magic, only a sword, he defeated a gigantic ancient basilisk. Some people say the basilisk was the familiar of Salazar Slytherin."

"That's right. That was the year before he, at the tender age of thirteen, conjured a patronus charm strong enough to hold off over a hundred Dementors."

"Something it is doubtful any other wizard on the planet could have done."

"I got to go to school with him. You have no idea how wonderful that makes me feel. If anyone wants to touch me, just because of how close to him I have been, see me after class."

The dark-haired man got a look of contentment on his face. "I got to instruct him for seven glorious years. Though I would have to admit he taught me a lot more than I taught him. He taught me a lot about myself." He was nodding pleasantly at the memories.

"I doubt any of us would be alive today if it weren't for him. We all owe him more than we could ever repay. Anytime we pay homage to the Creator, we should also appreciate our Savior and Protector. Praise be to Harry."

"Praise be to Potter." The dark-haired man replied.

"In the name of the Father, the Son, the other Favorite Son, the Holy Ghost. A-Potter."

"A-Potter." The dark-haired man turned to the shocked and scared class. "Next class we will start on some potions, but I would like you all to take the rest of the period to think about Harry Potter and everything he has done for you. Maybe consider how important he is in your life."

The blonde suggested, "You could write him a letter and tell him so."

The dark-haired man smiled brightly. "That is an excellent idea. Class dismissed. Praise be to Harry!"

The still scared class slowly responded with "Praise be to Potter." And they got up to leave the dungeons as quickly as their legs would carry them.

When the last student exited the classroom, the blonde man locked the door and put up a silencing charm.

The two men fell down in fits of hysterical laughter.

"You know one of his greatest wishes is to be a normal wizard." Severus chuckled out.

Draco snickered back. "We should hang up a chart on the wall comparing him to Merlin."

"I was thinking we should start a campaign for Harry Potter: King of the World."

News and rumors travel very quickly around the castle. And that afternoon's first year Gryffindor-Slytherin Potions class all became victims, being forced to witness both of their Professors flail about in what the healers later classified as 'orgasmic seizures.'

Professor Nicholas Flamel had just dismissed his last class of the day. He was a bit perturbed to hear students in the hallways greeting each other with "Hi! Praise be to Harry." He was looking forward to meeting with Professor Granger this late afternoon. He wasn't sure if the woman he referred to in his head as The CareTonkser would be accompanying her or not. Sure enough, Hermione and Tonks walked in together. They exchanged pleasantries and Hermione was about to brief Nicholas on what they'd discovered when into the classroom walked another pink-haired Tonks. The two Tonks both had widened eyes locked onto each other.

They stood up and faced each other and said at the same time, "Harry! It's Harry!" while pointing at each other. Hermione took a step back away from the Tonks she had arrived with.

Both Tonks looked angry and yelled at the other in unison. "If we all three stun him at once, one of us will get through." The two Tonks narrowed their eyes at each other. "And stop copying me!"

"Oh quit it! … Stop! Stop! St-…-op! Quit that!" The two Tonks ran at each other and started to wrestle. They were pulling hair and going for the soft tissue pretty equally.

Hermione and Nicholas both cast stunners at different Tonkses. The spell washed over their cloaks and barely affected them though it had the desired effect of splitting the two apart. They again said in unison. "Auror's cloak absorbs most spells."

One of the Tonks said "But Professor Flamel's stunner should have been stronger! He's Harry!"

The other Tonks had visibly widening eyes before she disappeared with a pop. The apparently real Tonks said, "Crap! I forgot Potty can pop!"

Hermione was mumbling "Stupid house elf."

Nicholas was looking around the room trying to figure out what his senses were saying. "I'm not sure he's gone. I didn't sense him leave I don't think. It felt more like he masked himself. Like his magical essence trickled away. Though I suppose that could be what a human popping would do."

Tonks was looking at Hermione. "So what did 'I' say to you guys before I got here?"

Hermione shook her head. "Nothing. Is it going to be safe to talk here Professor?"

Nicholas shook his head. "Yeah it's as safe as anywhere else. Whatever I felt earlier is completely gone. We're the only three people in this room, I'm almost certain of it. And please call me Nicholas."

Tonks smiled at the calming presence of the old man.

Hermione smiled. "Thank you Nicholas, and please call me Hermione. Now I'll give you a rundown of what we have ascertained so far."

"Brief rundown." Tonks interjected and received a frown in response.

Hermione ran through the majority of the feats Harry was rumored to have accomplished and places he may have been. Tonks remained relatively silent and was nodding along with her. Hermione then presented a chart cross-referenced with a timeline on where Harry Potter was rumored to have been, and showed that a few times he was in two places at once.

"Now at first I thought one of the rumors must be inaccurate when I encountered these. But it wasn't just the one isolated incident. And you can see here, on April Fools Day it appears he was in three places at once. And that is unlikely to be coincidence."

Nicholas looked at Hermione willing her to make a conclusion. She smiled at Tonks and said, "I'm pretty sure he's been using a time turner and literally has been in a few places at the same time. And my research indicates he's going to be less active and focusing here at Hogwarts this year."

Tonks looked at Hermione appraisingly. "You figured that out from just these rumors? Hmm. Good to know."

Hermione nodded and was about to continue when she looked behind Nicholas and gasped at a slowly appearing person. Her eyes widened and she stared at the Tonks sitting next to her and started screaming. "You!"

Nicholas turned around and looked up and saw another pink-haired Tonks floating in the air, bound, gagged, and silenced. For all the fidgeting she was doing no sound could be heard. The Tonks who had been listening in on their reports said. "I think perhaps I should leave now." With a wink, a smile, and a snap of her fingers she disappeared in a pop. And the other bound, gagged Tonks fell to the floor and let out an "Oomph."

Nicholas and Hermione rushed over to the new Tonks, and released her bindings and gag, apologizing profusely to her.

The indignant auror was scolding the ancient alchemist. "Only the three of us in here? You're certain of that?" She shook her sore head. "Well I think Harry has a pretty clear picture of what we know now."

Hermione was ashamed. "Oh goodness. But he certainly added fuel to the fire of my theory of him focusing on Hogwarts."

Tonks was shaking her head at being played again. "You guys should have seen the little twitches he was making each time you recounted a place, feat, or rumor. I thought he was going to crack a few times."

Nicholas added, "I thought you just found the stories humorous Miss Tonks. I did notice you seemed to be holding back your laughter."

Tonks rolled her eyes. "Excellent powers of observation. I see nothing gets past you."

"Look here, Miss Tonky, I never lied to you. I felt no one else in the room, I'm not sure how he did it, but I only ever sensed you, Hermione, and me in here. And as I said before, this room was as safe as any, because if he can mask himself that well here, he could do the same in any other room."

Tonks apologized to Professor Flamel. "Sorry, I'm just frustrated at being so close to Harry and being unable to get back at him. Or get him on his back for that matter."

Professor Flamel snickered. Hermione blushed and nodded though.

Nicholas went back to the discussion at hand. "Before we were so rudely interrupted, I was going to say I would have to agree with you on the time turner. We know he's had one and used it extensively if he received as much private tutelage as it appears. My inclination is that he knew we were going to be having this discussion and planned out substituting himself for Miss Tonks to hear our theories and see how close we were getting to him."

Hermione and Tonks nodded looking intrigued.

"I believe we are getting too close to him for his comfort. Hence he is fighting back. And I'll be frank, given Professor Snape's reactions at the Order meeting, I am pretty sure he was there too. He may have been in the guise of one of the members, or he may have just been a fly on the wall. I'm wondering, did any of you notice anyone's stories or mentions of gifts sounding very curious?"

Hermione and Tonks looked at each other and were thinking. Hermione added, "He wasn't Snape. But Severus was clearly acting quite different."

Tonks mentioned, "Kingsley's story about The-Boy-Who-Rules seemed a bit farfetched, but I'm pretty sure that was Kingsley. And the name, The-Boy-Who-Rules, is too fitting for it not to be the truth."

Nicholas nodded. "I know. I really have no suspects, but the way Snape reacted to his modified Dark Mark indicated Harry was listening and sending sensations accordingly."

Tonks snapped her fingers. "Oh! Did you guys see this weeks Quibbler yet?"

Nicholas raised an eyebrow. "The Quibbler? Is there something I should know about it?"

Hermione explained how the regular column about This Week in Harry Potter was according to Luna actually written by Harry and he just sends them in with pictures.

Tonks pulled the paper out of one of the pockets on her auror robes. "Here we go."

The Quibbler presents: This week in Harry Potter!
Harry Potter, the Astronaut?
By: Tom Soprano Fonpodgy Photos by: Morrie Van Mudbleed
The first official launch for Britain's foray into the world of deep space aeronautics and exploration was marred by the discovery of a stowaway on the Space Shuttle Lightning. The unnamed man, seen here waving from a window as the rocket ship began its liftoff has a very familiar scar and can be seen smiling and winking. The crew members complained of unknown extra weight and hearing sounds but apparently have not located the stowaway on the small ship. The government will be looking into criminal charges once the shuttle returns from its six month mission assuming the unknown man can be located. It is questionable whether he will be fit for trial.

"Something tells me he really did this one." Tonks said with a smile.

"Oh, I'm almost certain of it." Nicholas agreed. "Hmm, perhaps that was a poor choice of words. Let me try again. I suspect you are correct, Tonks."

Tonks was shaking her head. "Thank you Nicholas."

Hermione was thinking. "This space launch was huge muggle news. And it was like three months ago. I don't remember hearing about a stowaway, but none of the muggle photographers had close-ups this good. How many of these things has Harry got stockpiled?"

Nicholas thought about that. "Hmm. These do seem to be a bit dated, and are more for Harry's amusement than they are legitimate clues for us."

"I still think he's here in the castle just hiding. I mean you heard about Draco and Severus's morning class, right?" Hermione asked.

Nicholas and Tonks were chuckling and nodding.

"And you heard about their afternoon class?"

Nicholas and Tonks were outright laughing now. "We may need to bring in an official counselor and psychotherapist. Those children are probably scarred for life."

Nicholas pointed out, "Do you two realize the Sorting Hat basically told every student to feel free to prank us all to kingdom come, and that the blame will fall to Mr. Potter?"

Hermione hadn't considered this and started to get a bit worried.

Tonks added. "True, but they're all a bit scared themselves of Mr. Potter. And I don't think Snape and Malfoy eased anyone's fears."

The three staff members headed out to the Great Hall for dinner.

When Professor Flamel, Professor Granger, and Tonks arrived they saw the student's were all silent and watching the scene in the middle of the hall. The Headmaster was jumping up and down and appeared to have forgotten he was a wizard.

"Stop it Peeves! No! That's mine!" the petulant older man exclaimed.

The poltergeist Peeves was holding a candy dish and dangling it just out of the Headmaster's reach. "Ahh, Ahh, Ahh. You didn't say Peevesy's magic word."

"For goodness sake Peeves! I am the Headmaster! You're not even supposed to be able to enter my office! Or the Great Hall."

Peeves was holding out the dish in front of the Headmaster and then yanking it away whenever he made a swipe for it. "Peevesy's got a new Master. Master Potty takes care of Peevesy."

"Rotten useless ungrateful petulant twit!" an irate Headmaster exclaimed.

Nicholas made himself known. "Peeves! Will you return the dish or do I need to call for the Bloody Baron?"

Albus looked over at Professor Flamel gratefully but his face quickly fell when he heard. "Baron is who introduced me to Master Potty!"

Peeves was dangling the dish while Albus was whining and groaning.

"I shant give it back unless you sing Peevesy the song."

Albus looked resigned. He couldn't give up his lemon drop dish. Even if the rotten twerp at the root of his current headache was the one who gave him the dish in the first place.

Albus tucked his thumbs under his armpits and began flapping his arms like a chicken. "Peeves is the bestest. Better than the restest. No one is funnier. Or even punnier. Peeves is my hero. Potty is a zero. Cluck Cluck Squawk. Cluck Cluck Squawk!" he finished with a completely undignified movement of thrusting forward his alpha male chicken chest and his arms back.

Peeves grumbled. "Potty said you would do it. Peevesy didn't believe him. Fine! Take your dish." Peeves finished and tossed the dish high in the air and quickly flew out of the Great Hall. Albus's eyes were firmly fixed on his dish and held out both arms to basket catch it before it hit the ground.

Nicholas, Hermione, and Tonks really should have been expecting something to happen. But they couldn't have guessed the dish was in actuality a portkey. And apparently a very cleverly designed portkey, as Albus disappeared who knows where, and his clothes stayed behind and fell to the floor empty.

A man at a desk in the atrium of the Ministry of Magic could have sworn he saw the Head of the Wizengamot streaking out from under the cloth-covered Fountain of Magical Brethren with only a small silver candy dish covering his private areas. The running nude man made it to the apparition area and disappeared before the watchman could be sure of what he saw.

The Headmaster was saddened when he arrived back in his office, after stopping home for some clothes, and saw his real lemon drop dish was still safe on his desk. He made it to the Great Hall just as dinner was beginning to wind down, and received a fair amount of applause.

"Thank you very much. I must remember to hurt Mr. Potter greatly the next time I see him. Before you all go, I would like to inform you that the weekend before Halloween is a Hogsmeade weekend. And on the evening of Halloween we will be having a costume ball. Costumes are required. For everybody." He was looking at his fellow staff members. "Including the staff. That is all. Enjoy your evening." The Headmaster grabbed his pile of clothes and decided to have a late dinner in his office. He wasn't sure he trusted the food on the staff table at the moment.