THE END OF ALL THINGS
Disclaimer: All place and character names belong to Tolkien; their sadly twisted personalities now belong to us. It should also be noted that characterisation of major, well characters has probably been influenced somewhat by the fantastic work of the Bagenders authors. Go read their work now!
Feedback: Constructive criticism and praise welcome. Please send to: The battle is won but the war is not yet over. So why not follow our motley crew as they try to reach the end of their bloody-awful-my-God-it-goes-on-forever quest.
Be warned! This story contains strange humour and is full of rather obvious slashy moments
Eomer lay on the Pelannor, staring up at the sky in a far-away way, thinking how pretty all the black clouds looked. As they swirled above the battlefield he watched them, transfixed, and begun to mutter to himself.
"Horse. The horse, out-butching me, the bitch!" He gave a rather pathetic little sob and resumed his self-appointed cloud-watching duty, quite happy to spend forever laying there in mud and guts while he wallowed in his misery. But alas! Such a thing was not to be for long. For at that moment Eomer noticed a strange noise approaching and he turned his head towards it in a suitably self-pitying manner.
"784…785…786…"
Eomer groaned; it was that damned elf prancing merrily towards him. Damn it! All a man wanted was to lie despondently, contemplating the unfairness of the universe in relation to himself but noooo! Couldn't even do that anymore without a friend trying to rouse you out of your depression. What was the world coming to?
He looked up at the figure that now stood above him and put on his best puppy-dog look. It didn't work, Legolas just looked down at him impassively, and Eomer began to shift a bit in mounting embarrassment.
"What in all of Arda are you doing on the floor?"
"Eowyn, that horse, she…"
"Oh, don't be so pathetic man. Stop cowering and get up. Honestly, you humans! I told you it would all end in tears but you didn't listen did you?"
He appeared to look at Eomer expectantly, who couldn't think of anything sensible to say now that real embarrassment had properly set in. So he simply lay there looking back at his elven friend, who eventually sighed and helped him up before prancing off to kill more things.
Eomer risked a quick look around to see if anyone else had been witness to his shameful episode. Now that Legolas had embarrassed some common sense back into him he was very aware of what his little sulking spell could have done to his manly man reputation. Thus it was that he sighed in relief when he saw nobody alive within a 100 meter radius, before bending down to pick up his sword.
"Alright mate?"
Eomer spun around, sword in hand, and found himself facing the Twins. He groaned and lowered his weapon, glaring suspiciously at them as he did so.
"Where did you come from? I didn't see you around a minute ago."
"Heard you were a bit depressed and thought we'd cheer you up now all the orcs have run away."
"I'm fine, honestly. It was just that horse of a sister of mine" Eomer said, whilst thinking very dark thoughts about what he was going to do to Legolas next time he saw him.
"Oh, well alright then." All three then stood there for a moment, trapped within an uncomfortable silence.
"I know a joke about a horse. Wanna hear it?"
Elladan leveled a glare at his brother. "You know he doesn't."
"Well…" Elrohir began, completely ignoring Elladan.
"Don't you dare!"
"A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said 'why the long face?'"
Another uncomfortable silence descended, and against all laws of probability tumbleweed rolled gently past, blown by an invisible wind. Both elf and man made a concerted effort not to look at Elrohir.
"What?" he demanded, noticing this.
"Your joke, it wasn't very funny is all", mumbled Eomer.
"Of course it was!"
"No brother, it wasn't. You've been telling that joke for 3000 years and not once has it gotten a laugh! Ever!"
Elrohir looked crestfallen at his brother's vehement tone, and Eomer really wished he could be elsewhere.
"Well don't shoot the messenger" he heard Elrohir mumble.
Elladan seemed to snap and Eomer began to back away slowly. "Don't you dare say that to me!" the elf screamed. "You always say that and it isn't funny either! And look! You've embarrassed Eomer now! So you know what? I think I will shoot the bloody messenger! Don't you run away from me! Get back here!"
Elladan let loose his bow and there was a yelp from behind a pile of dead bodies.
"Sorry about this, hope you feel better soon." And with that the elf ran off after his errant brother. The horse-lord watched him go and decided that it really had been a long day. He wandered off towards the city.
"Aha! 815!" Legolas looked at Gimli, feeling smug.
"816."
There was a pause as Legolas digested this bit of information. His expression turned nasty and he hissed "You be careful dwarf. You may have won this time but I could easily make the tally equal."
And with that he stormed off, leaving behind a rather shaken dwarf who was rapidly trying to devise ways to defend himself against a very pissed off elf. He never noticed Legolas tiptoeing up behind him.
"I'm talking about you."
Legolas snickered as Gimli fell over in surprise.
And so, gentle readers, we skip forward now to the evening. The battle has been won, the enemy set to flee, and many a survivor of this horrific fight were to be found in many of the pubs of the noble city of Minas Tirith. Let us journey into one of the better establishments where we may find our noble heroes in the middle of a right old proper knees-up. Look into the corner and there you will see Gimli, surrounded by a group of young lads listening wide-eyed to his tales of slaughter and war. In the center of the floor you find Eomer, King of Rohan, giggling insanely at a joke of Elrohir's. Next to him, if you watch close enough, you may spy Elladan trying to cop a feel of the horse-lord. There he goes! Overcome with drink he has passed out into Eomers lap. Look too towards the end of the bar where you may catch Gandalf, wisest of all wizards, singing a dirty little ditty about hedgehogs. And lo! What is this? At a small table in the corner of the room there sits Prince and King, discussing all manner of worldly things.
"Do you know, I keep feeling that I've forgotten something really really really really…" Aragorn paused and thought very hard, "really important." He went to take another drink and discovered to his dismay that his glass was empty. He shook it upside down rather sadly.
Legolas was watching him and found the whole scene rather pathetic. "Well, that would be the Ring, the embodiment of ultimate evil that even now Frodo is on his way to destroy."
"Frodo?"
"The Halfling, the one you swore to protect until the very end."
"Oh yeah, short-arse. You know what; I keep feeling that I've forgotten something really really really really…" Aragorn paused to sway a bit, "really important."
"The Ring!" Legolas snapped. They'd had this conversation five times already and he was getting bored. Stupid mortals got drunk so easily. You'd never catch him behaving like this, oh no!
"Crap!"
He watched Aragorn struggle to his feet and sway his way over to the bar, where the man proceeded to tap Gandalf on the shoulder and whisper something in the wizard's ear. Gandalf appeared to sigh before announcing to the room "Okay people, it seems we've forgotten about this bloody Ring. Any ideas on what to do about it would be greatly appreciated."
The was a slight dip in the hubbub of the pub as everyone tried to think of a way of saving the world that wouldn't involve them having to get up and do anything about it. A random soldier spoke up hesitantly. "We could pay, right, for a giant eagle to fly into Mordor and carry Frodo to Mt. Doom." This fantastic idea was met with stony silence from his fellows.
"That's a stupid idea," said random soldier no.2. "Where would we get all that money from?"
Legolas shook his head. It never failed to amaze him the levels of stupidity some men could sink to with such apparent ease.
"I know, I know!" Everyone turned to look at Eomer. "We could make another Ring to rule the One Ring!" This suggestion met with a few cheers and Aragorn brought Eomer another drink for being so clever.
"And you just happen to have a spare volcano lying around do you?" Legolas asked, somewhat scathingly.
"Well no, but…"
"Anybody else got any bright ideas or is that the best you can come up with?" the elf asked the crowd.
"Let's go to Gondor!" shouted Aragorn suddenly.
"We're in Gondor" said Legolas, levelly.
"Let's raise an army!"
"We are an army."
"Well then, let's go to Mordor!"
"And do what? Confront the Dark Lord before the Black Gates and distract him from the Halflings crawling across his land I suppose?" This suggestion was met with loud cheers and Legolas cursed. Damn! He had done it now.
"Mordor! Let's go to Mordor! Come my trusted army, we shall go and beat this Dark Lord on his own ground! Let's go! Rouse the others! We march to war!" Aragorn thus continued to scream encouragement at his men for a little while longer until the alcohol in his system snuck up on him and all became a blank.
As men stumbled from the pub on their way to meet up with various destinies, Legolas walked over to Aragorn and kicked him a bit. He sighed. Of all the times Aragorn could have started listening to him, it had to be now. Typical!
"Och, you've done it now."
"Shut up Gimli."
Everyone woke up inexplicably on top of a slag heap. They each took several moments to try to recall what they were doing there, failed, and finally noticed everyone else who was inexplicably on top of the slag heap too. Aragorn was one of the last to awaken, and when he had recovered from the usual momentary dizziness he took stock of his surroundings. It appeared he was on a hill outside Barad-dur. What had he been drinking last night? And what in the name of Elbereth were they doing here?
"What are we doing here?"
"Well, some stupid person Aragorn, decided to go to Mordor Aragorn, to confront the Dark Lord ARAGORN! What a good idea that was."
Aragorn turned around slowly and saw Legolas standing behind him, arms crossed, toes tapping, looking very chagrined. The elf began to say something else, in a very scathing manner no doubt, but was blessedly drowned out by a shout from across the way.
"What are we doing here Aragorn?"
"Apparently we got drunk and decided to come to Mordor."
"Stupid man! Call yourself a King of men? Look what you've gotten us into now!"
"Excuse me! You're the all-powerful wizard here. If anyone should take the blame it's you."
"How did you work that out mortal weakling?"
"Well, as the most powerful and all-knowing person here, you should know better than to let me go marching off into Mordor!"
"Are you implying MAN, that I can't do my job properly?" Gandalf asked, tone soft and dangerous.
"Yes! Yes I am you doddering old fool!"
"Why you little…" Gandalf raised his staff and began to chant something. Aragorn, suddenly realizing he had gone just a bit too far tried to hide behind Legolas, who kept moving out of the way. Thus it was fortunate for the salvation of the Forces of Good that Pippin choose this moment to wake up, jumping straight into Fool of a Took mode as he did so.
"It's not as big as I thought it would be."
"What isn't?" Gandalf snapped, turning to the little hobbit that had just ruined his concentration.
"The big black wall-thingy."
Aragorn breathed a sigh of relief at Pippins comment. Gods bless the little chap; he had just saved him from the wrath of the almighty Maiar!
"Fool of a Took!" they heard Gandalf exclaim. "That is the most evil stronghold entrance to the most evil land of the most evil being ever! How dare you say it is not big?"
"'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what's going on here then?"
Everyone turned to look at the person who had interrupted their bickering. Aragorn poked his head over Legolas's shoulder.
"I said ''ello, 'ello, 'ello, what's going on here then?'" repeated the most evil Lieutenant of Sauron.
"Who the hell are you?" Aragorn demanded.
"I am the most evil Lieutenant of Sauron; now kindly explain what you are doing here right in the way of my master's most evil forces as they go forth to dominate the entire world!"
"We are here to kill you!" Legolas said imperiously.
"Yeah, we're gonna kill you good!"
SMACK "Fool of a Took."
The most evil Lieutenant of Sauron smiled evilly to himself. This rabble was the Forces of Good? Oh, he was going to enjoy this. He cleared his throat to regain the attention of the squabbling bunch.
"Ahem! Since you're here to annihilate all of us I don't suppose you'd be interested in this then?" He held forth Frodo's mithril shirt and watched the company afore him break into arguments again.
"Now look what you've done Aragorn! Frodo's dead! I don't know, I die for a few weeks and everything goes to pot. You should never have let him go off on his own."
"My fault? MY FAULT! If you hadn't insisted on showing off by fighting the Balrog then I wouldn't have been left to my own devices and you'd have been able to ensure all went well wouldn't you, oh Perfect One!"
"Well Aragorn, I did tell you to go after Frodo and Sam."
"Legolas! How could you side with him against me?"
The most evil Lieutenant reveled in their confusion. He signaled his most evil troops to advance.
"Because I'm sick and tired of you never listening to me Aragorn! And now look! We're surrounded by orcs with no hope of victory and yet again it is all your fault! Legolas shot three arrows into the mass of most evil orcs. "If you'd just listened to me back in Minas Tirith we wouldn't be in this situation at all!" He drew his knives and began fighting back-to-back with Aragorn.
"If you're so clever Legolas then what are you doing here in this oh-so-hopeless situation?" Aragorn asked, whilst decapitating five orcs with one swing of his sword.
"Because somebody has to ensure you come out of this alive you fool!"
Aragorn slaughtered seven more orcs before he asked "What are you saying Legolas?"
"I'm saying I still…"
But whatever he was saying we shall now never know, alas! For at that moment there was an almighty crash and the Black Gate fell down. As the thick cloud of dust began to clear away Pippin gave a shout.
"Giant eagles! The eagles are coming!"
"Look, they do exist!" said a sullen voice from the somewhere near the back of the company. "I told you they existed, that's five silver pieces you owe me!"
And so the War of the Ring was finally over. Frodo and Sam were brought to safety, all the most evil Servants of Sauron ran away and Gandalf and Aragorn agreed to let bygones be bygones. And so the company began the long march home, where they received a hero's welcome with parades and bell ringing and streamers and little flags and everything. And here would be the perfect place to end the tale, but we are cruel authors and we are not letting you off that easily. Therefore, read on…
Now whilst our motley crew of manly men, complete with added elves and a dwarf, had been busy saving the world, Faramir had also been a busy little bee. And so here, for your reading pleasure, we present the Diary of Faramir, stolen covertly using a toothbrush, a hedgehog and three tiny walnuts.
20th March 3019
Saw lovely Lady Eowyn in garden today, decided to put Lesson 82 into practice. Asked her how she was doing. She talks a lot. But did come up with new rule for 'Faramir's Guide to Dating Hot Babes: 101 Ways to Snare Those Gorgeous Gondorian Girls', woohoo! Lesson 51: Never ask women how they are doing.
Showed book to lovely Lady but got a slap and she walked off. Am considering changing title of book.
21st March 3019
Today followed Lesson 6: Approach the object of your desire with utmost caution. You don't want to give away your intentions just yet.
Saw Eowyn in garden again, on a bench again. Using all my skill I spent five hours sneaking up on her. Then sat down on bench with dazzling smile but she walked off. Damn!
Annoyingly, saw hobbit looking at me strangely over dinner as I finished the fish fingers.
22nd March 3019
Why is hobbit allowed three breakfasts? Very unfair! Went to sulk in garden. Saw Eowyn. Decided to try Lesson 52: Find a subject you're both interested in and listen to her discuss it at length. Tried this: "So then, I hear you're quite an orc-slayer." Had caught her attention and made quick sneaky reference to book. Lesson 39: Continue. So tried: "What do you find is the best method of decapitation?" Got very worried at long silence. Eventually the lovely lady said "you cut it's head off" before walking off into the garden. I think she was patronizing me, but not sure though. Amended Lesson 52: Make sure you ask good questions.
Dinner was v. good tonight. Salmon en cruet with steamed vegetables and saffron rice, in herb sauce. Pudding was jelly. No chocolate ice-cream though, must remember to complain. Think it was stolen before hand by that hobbit, whose name I won't mention though am sure he's having a MERRY old time now!
23rd March 3019
Lesson 87: Gifts. Always good things; flowers or chocolates will suffice.
Had to use flowers because a certain hobbit had a MERRY old time eating the chocolates had brought. Flowers worked! The lovely lady went simpery and considered trying Lesson 82 again but remembered previous use and resulting pain of the How You Doing line.
So lovely lady didn't let me go until after dinner and they wouldn't let me have anything to eat because they'd cleared away and noooo! I'm starving! Stupid women!
24th March 3019
Lesson 29 useful today: Make use of compliments. So used 'oh you're lovely' and 'that hospital gown looks really good on you'. Then ran out of compliments. So gave daffodils and said they reminded me of her. Lovely lady went simpery again and declared "Oh! You think I'm radiant like the sun!" Things going well. Book success. Am considering a sequel, 'What to Do When You've Got That Girl'.
Dinner good though had to beat off hobbit when it got down to last ten sausages. I won!
25th March 3019
Was sitting on wall this morning writing new book, feeling triumphant at beating hobbit in mushroom eating contest. Go me! Eowyn found me and started yapping about commitment. Thought of applying Lesson 100: Do NOT commit, but decided would be nice to always have someone to cook for me. Must have been thinking to long because Eowyn jumped on me. Woohoo! Brought to mind Lesson 101: Persevere, persevere, persevere!
Oh, and sky went blue this afternoon and was lots of singing. Had completely forgotten about war against Ultimate Evil. Oops!
Dinner was excellent. Was venison which hobbit hates. Am feeling smug.
29th March 3019
Checked book this morning for what to do on Day 7. Lesson 28: Congratulations on reaching Day 7, you are now well on your way to a long term relationship. Go you! And good luck, you're on your own now. We suggest Book 2 of this series, due out 4th Age 10.
Closed book and was lost. Had vague recollection that was meant to be doing something. To do with commitment…long term…many…merry…bastard! He ate all my pie! It was such a nice pie, a marriage of apples and blackcurrants and marriage! That was the word! Must go propose to the lovely lady. Hear is done thing.
30th March 3019
Woke up this morning with new shiny ring. Had Eowyns name in it. Did we switch hands in middle of night?
Breakfast good, was cornflakes and brand-name toast. Always yummy!
31st March 3019
Hand mystery solved. Turns out am married. Found out this morning when my new brother (cause am married now) kicked my door in and demanded to know what I had done marrying his sister. Claimed knew nothing about marriage. Eomer gave me funny look and said "I wouldn't want to remember it either" before walking away.
Ooh lunchtime! Am off!
And now that amusing little interlude is over with, it is time to return to the main story.
So thus it was that our motley crew of manly men returned to Minas Tirith to a hero's welcome and a big old party organized at the last minute by the beleaguered and put-upon citizens of this most noble city. And what a party it was! Aragorn abandoned the praises of his people to drag his little munchkin off for a night of doing something we probably don't want to know about, and Gandalf was off getting merry with the hobbits, who were all busy singing numerous rude songs about numerous animals doing rather strange things to each other. Gimli was off demonstrating his fabulous dancing skills to all who cared to watch and Faramir was busy drawing diagrams for his latest book. And Legolas was, well, Legolas was sulking away in a corner, getting drunker and drunker and bitching about his woes to poor old Eomer who being forced to listen by the very pissed, and pissed off elf.
"And d'you know what else is wrong with the world? Not enough spiders! When I was young you got real spiders that bit your arms off and made you a proper man, none of this poncy poncing around killing Dark Lords! Pah! Anyone can do that! But spiders, fear the spiders Eomer, fear them! They're coming to get you! Wish they'd get Aragorn, stupid man!"
And with that the elf grabbed Eomer and began sobbing. But our gallant horse lord wasn't really paying attention. He patted his friend absently on the back and wondered why the world was turning all pink and fuzzy and why his drink tasted odd. And was he seeing double? Was that the Twins there? Why were there four of them? Why were they carrying him away? What were they saying? Ooh look! The dwarf's doing something funny!
Eomer giggled and the Twins just shook their heads as they carried their prize away.
"I told you so!"
"I can't believe that stupid plan of yours worked. Who did you get that herb from anyway?"
"Gandalf."
A rather tipsy Gimli cautiously approached Legolas, who was still sobbing pathetically in the corner.
"Och laddie, you're drunk. Let's get you up to bed."
"I am not! Elves don't do drunk!" Legolas sniffled.
Gimli rolled his eyes. Not this argument again! When would he ever learn?
"So who am I laddie?"
"I don't know!" the elf wailed in despair.
"That's it, you're going to bed."
"With Aragorn?"
"No."
"With Aragorn?"
"No, on your own."
Legolas broke down. "Not on my own! I'm scared! Don't leave me Gimli! Don't leave me!"
Gimli gave the request due consideration as he swerved his way to helping the drunken fool reach his room. On the one hand he did feel truly sorry for his poor, miserable friend but on the other he could use this drunken conversation as fodder for teasing the elf for days to come. If he stuck out the night who knew what other little gems of humiliating behaviour Legolas may come up with. "Alright, but you're sleeping on your own. I'll be in the chair over there. Och!"
Gimli awoke to find Legolas on his lap. With absolutely no recollection as to how he had gotten there. So he screamed and pushed the elf to the floor. Legolas woke up and screamed too, before clutching at his head and groaning.
"What is that bloody noise? And why does my bloody head hurt so much?"
"It's trumpets and it's a hangover, and if you dare try 'elves don't get drunk' on me again laddie, och I swear I'll kill ye!"
"Trumpets?"
"Och, don't look at me, I don't know why Elrond is announcing his arrival with the damned things. Foolish elves!"
"Elrond?"
"And that looks like he's brought that lass of his."
"Glorfindel?"
"Arwen!"
"Bugger!" Legolas collapsed back onto the floor.
Eomer awoke and found himself snuggled up to somebody in a very comfortable fashion, in a very strange bed. He sighed in contentment. Ah! Life didn't get much better than this! He had won the War Against Ultimate Evil and was now King of Rohan, and to top it off he had had a very merry time at the party last night, waking up in a bed with somebody he didn't remember. But hang on, he hadn't had a good time last night, he had had to listen to Legolas complain for hours on end and then…it was a blank. He looked down at the person beside him just as he felt a second person cuddle him from behind. Crap! The Twins!
"Good morning!"
"How did you lure me here? What did you do to me? Get your hand's away from there!"
"I think somebody's shy brother."
"Indeed, and you know what that means…"
Eomer panicked. "What does it mean? What does it mean!"
The Twins grinned at each other and jumped Eomer. Thus followed a brief struggle between all involved before the man managed to wriggle his way out of the pile and sneak out the bedroom. It was only when the sound of trumpets distracted the elves a few minutes later that they realized Eomer was gone.
"Damn!"
Grima woke up suddenly, wandering what the blasting trumpets were for. Oh yes! They'd just won that Battle Against Ultimate Evil hadn't they – bastards! Depriving him of his livelihood like that! He began to think of exquisite forms of revenge that he could perpetrate against those do-goody victors he was now lumped in with when a groan from next to him caught his attention.
He turned to look at the figure which lie beside him in the richly appointed bed, and felt his stomach drop when he saw Aragorn. All thoughts of revenge fled as he was reminded forcefully of the last time he had tried to wreck righteous vengeance upon somebody. Stupid Eomer! This was all his fault! He quickly turned away and began to dab at his eyes as tears threatened to spill. He still couldn't comprehend why Eomer had been so nasty to him back at Isengard and he just didn't understand why the man hadn't come to rescue him yet from the clutches of the would-be King.
Said would-be King stirred beside him and Grima turned to shoot a worried glance at him, He was furthered unsettled when Aragorn noticed this and leered back at him. He jumped when he felt a hand touch him and in his surprise exclaimed "trumpets!"
"So that's what you want to call it."
Grima grew slightly more apprehensive at the tone to Aragorn's voice. He had sounded just like Eomer had used to before their only night of wild, unrestrained passion, and Grima soon found his suspicions confirmed when the would-be King promptly tried to tumble him.
He squeaked in shock and tried to push Aragorn off but the man wouldn't budge.
"You can blow my trumpet any time" Aragorn said, before he succeeded in giving his little nutmeg a passionate kiss.
Which Grima was pleasantly surprised by. Who would have guessed that being kissed by Aragorn could be that nice, what with the stubble and the dirt and all. Actually, it felt kind of good, especially when the other man put his hand, yep, right there and oh! Eomer had never done that to him on their night together, and they had managed to get quite a lot done in such a short space of time. Mmm…and Theodred had never made that feel so good.
And so they carried on for a few minutes more before, and our gentle readers should surely be glad for this, though Grima certainly wasn't now he was just beginning to enjoy succumbing to Aragorn's charms, their little tussle was rudely interrupted by another blast of trumpets. Grima tried valiantly to ignore them, but even having Aragorn use his tongue just there wasn't enough to distract him from the awful racket outside the window. Therefore with a bit of subtle persuasion he, well persuaded Aragorn to go see what was causing all that noise so that he could yell at it a bit and shut it up.
And so Aragorn stormed impatiently over to the window as Grima settled himself into a more comfortable position in the big bed.
"Shit, shit, shit!"
Aragorn began to run wildly around the room in a very obvious state of near panic.
"Shit, shit, shit! It's my father!"
Grima watched as Aragorn began to scramble about for his clothes, sure he had seen this scene somewhere before. As random items of clothing were flung at him, something clicked. Eomer! That was where he has seen this previously, just before Aragorn and co. had ridden into Edoras and banished him. Hey! That's right! That bloody pretender had ruined his life, he had…
Further thoughts were interrupted as Aragorn grabbed his hand and dragged him out of bed, whilst attempting to pull a robe over Grima's head. As he tried to re-adjust his clothing, Grima felt himself being pulled out of the room and down the corridor.
AUTHORS NOTE: Well that is as far as we have been able to take this tale. We authors have been busily trying to think of a way to conclude this fic for over two and a half years and alas but the time has come for us to anounce defeat.
But we would dearly love to tag a Grande Finale onto the end of this piece of nonsense, so if anyone out there can think of a way to resolve our little crisisthen we would love to hear from you.
All ideas must fit in with the book and ideally should end after the marriage and coronation, and you never know! If we use your shiny little gem of literary geniusthen we might even remember to say thanks