Disclaimer: I do not own Peacemaker Kurogane or Ruronin Kenshin.
Here's Issue 4. Please read & review. Suggestions welcome. Of course, this paper doesn't reflect the actual Ishin Shishi or Shinsengumi in any way.
Sakura-Shinguji:
We know who's a regular customer at Umeya's, don't we. I liked those pretty Japanese gift sweet boxes I saw at Takashimaya, so I let Umeya launch a similar gift selection. There is a real Umeya sweet shop based in Taiwan selling Japanese style candies. It has nothing to do with the Umeya in my fic.
One of the best-loved pairs in PMK to put out an ad... Kyoto roofs are haunted? Read on!
New Kyoto Post
Working for a Brighter Future!
Issue 4
WARNING & NOTICE!
There has been a marked increase in the number of tsuji-giri killings on our streets in the past week. Majority of the victims were kindly old men and young women in white. What's our so-called protectors in blue and white been doing?! We advise everyone to be careful and avoid traveling at night.
YMSA members are reminded not to make any rash moves. All activities must be approved by the YMSA leadership.
On a separate note, the We-Luv-Okita-sama fan club is ordered to cease their foolishness. Young ladies are reminded that it is vulgar to wave I-Luv-Okita banners and fans whenever the Shinsengumi First Patrol is sighted.
NOTICE
The Kyoto Storekeepers' Guild would like to request that their storefront curtain-poles not be ripped off and used as spears after an incident last week popularized this wanton act of vandalism. Do you have any idea how much those cost to be replaced?!
Red & Black Ladies' Night!
Members of the Red & Black Lady's Club are to take note of an all-night, all-week exclusive bash near the Ikeda-ya riverfront. You are to bring your shurikens for identification. The dress code is black, head to toe. Trust us when we say it'd be a splash!
Kyoto Survival Guide
by Vice-Editor Katsura K. & staff
With the aid of our intelligence network, we have come up with descriptions of certain Shinsengumi members. Avoid them if possible, if not, you know what to do.
Nagakura Shinpachi (2nd Captain)
Short redhead. Watch out for his under-the-belt attacks, given his lack of stature.
Saitou Hajime (3rd Captain)
Bad-tempered. Pink pudgy appearance. Often seen in the arms of Okita Souji… (Wait! That's the Shinsengumi's pig mascot Saizou, S-A-I-Z-O-U. Oops. Gomen.) To date, we haven't got a good description of him yet as he tends to kill his opponents. My page is working on it.
Toudou Heisuke (8th Captain)
Skinny appearance. Suspected of child abuse and visiting legal & illegal brothels, including the Boy's Teahouse with his two friends: one short redhead & a large man.
Harada Sanosuke (10th Captain)
Large stature. Uses a spear. Please note that he is a known child abuser and vandal of public and private property. If your height happens to fall below his waist, he'll simply stomp you into the ground.
The other Shinsengumi captains have either been put out of action by an unnamed civil-minded redhead or deserted like the cowards they are. We look forward to bringing you more survival tips.
Addendum to previous issue of Kyoto Survival Guide
After much discussion with my fellow editors, we make the following correction regarding the description of Okita Souji. There is no way we get our butts kicked by a pig-hugging, flower-picking wimp. It's bad for our morale.
-- Chief Editor, Ikeda Yori
Umeko's Kitchen
Work's a killer. I consider myself blessed that I can still find time to sit down to a cup of top-grade green tea and almond cakes as I attend to your letters. I have only an hour of peace and quiet before my brother returns with his men and I break out the bandages, so LET'S GO!
Dear Umeko-san,
My baka husband got himself gutted by a Miburou swine. I am left with his sick elderly parents, younger kid sisters and two young children to support. If that isn't bad enough, the landlord threw us all out for not paying the rent. What's a poor widow to do?
-- Blue Widow
Dear Blue,
You seem to be facing financial difficulties on top of your loss. Drop by at our local WAJ branch at Umeya. We offer financial assistance and skills-training. Maybe you can consider taking up banner-tailoring or cake-making to supplement the household income. Whatever happens, hang in there. Don't jump in front of any swords!
-- Yours, Umeko
Dear Umeko,
I am a teenaged girl. My father's a leader in the YMSA but I find myself attracted to those bad boys in white and blue, especially a certain gorgeous young captain. I get hot flushes, a racing pulse, sweaty palms and a stutter whenever he's near. Am I sick? I've almost taken to stalking him in the streets. Help.
-- Obsessed
Dear Obsessed,
Hold your horses, gal. According to your symptoms, you are just having a passing infatuation. Don't let spring-fever get the better of you. Why don't you take some time off to sort out your thoughts? Do some volunteer work at the WAJ or the Mibu Temple Orphanage. Never, ever stalk a Miburou! They tend to Zan first & ask later.
-- Yours, Umeko
Dear Umeko,
I keep seeing strange black shadows flitting about outside my window at night. I get so scared I can't sleep and it's keeping my roommate up as well. What should I do?
-- Scaredy-cat
Dear Scaredy-cat,
From my experience, those shadows are mostly harmless unless you do something to offend them. They haven't hurt you yet, right? If the mere sight of shadows keeps you up, use curtains or a blanket over the window. Wishing you sweet dreams.
-- Yours, Umeko
Personal Ad
Contrary to rumors, Master Yoshida is NOT the scumbag Hijikata Toshizou! He is in no way as handsome as my master! My master doesn't streak through doctors' yards! He did not willfully slash any YMSA members on the night of -- We were together all night!
Also, I'd like to apologize for the degrading remarks I made about kunoichi in general. Can you bitches quit putting nails and other pointy stuff in my futon? It gets very uncomfortable for the both of us.
-- Kitamura Suzu
Reply to Ad:
(Sweat-drop) Suzu, D-I-S-C-R-E-T-I-O-N… What part of it don't you get?! Meet me tonight. -- Y.
To Himura
Thank you very much for saving me the other night. Thank you also for the nice box of sweets you gave me. Arigato! -- White Plum Miss
WANTED: Skilled exorcist to deal with mysterious shadowy figures sighted on roofs.
Apply to Kyoto Town Council
Author's notes:
Tsuji-giri – a practice where a samurai kills a passerby at random to test his sword.We can hazard a guess at the sudden increase in crime...
Zan -- Aku. Soku. Zan. Shinsengumi slogan. Evil. Immediately. Kill. or kill evil immediately.
Okita's fangirls are loose! Poor Saitou gets mistaken as a pig. Can't resist adding some YoshidaSuzu fluff. The Red& Black Lady's Club is...
As always, R&R welcome. Especially on the advice segment, I'm kinda building that by feel. Need any advice from Umeko-san? Do write in. Suggestions welcome!