Disclaimer: I do not own Peacemaker Kurogane or Ruronin Kenshin.

More mistaken identity issues. And Saitou's craving for soba...

New Kyoto Post is also looking for hot news, scoops etc, drop a letter in the review box & we may publish your article. Any dirt on the Shinsnegumi welcome... this is a Choushu paper.

When writing in to Umeko's Kitchen, just remember that she's a woman of that era. Take her advice with a pinch of salt.

New Kyoto Post

Working for a Brighter Future!

Issue 5

NOTICE TO ALL YMSA MEMBERS

One of our respected leaders, Yoshida, stresses that he is NOT Hijikata Toshizou of the Shinsengumi. Irate husbands, fathers, brothers etc. are requested not to set upon Master Yoshida. We lose too many members unnecessarily that way. Direct your anger and indignation to the correct man.

To look into this problem, we have set up a special committee chaired by Yoshida himself known as the Miburou. Soku. Zan Committee. The first meeting will be held after our usual teatime discussion on bakufu politics.

On a separate note, ronin with pages etc. are to ensure that their subordinates are on their best behavior on all times and not run afoul of Kyoto's laws. Pages are not to engage in fights with little brats in sword stores, especially if the brat's a redhead loudmouth.

SOBA THEFTS

There has been a spate of mysterious thefts of soba from Kyoto kitchens since the Shinsengumi removed soba from their menu. Eyewitnesses describe the thief as a tall, amber-eyed man in black carrying prayer beads. He is a skilled swordsman, according to an unnamed red-haired night watchman at a local restaurant.

Notice:

We are pleased to announce that a back-street physician has finally offered her services to us. She is skilled in amputations. Her clinic's at Shack 5, Kyoto slums, next to the morgue. No questions asked & no explanations given. Ask for Kitsu-dono.

-- YMSA spokesperson

(You guys must be wishing Sensei Takani didn't leave for Aizu now...)

NOTICE to the young man/ woman in the white yutaka who has been assisting us in our community project at the orphanage

We are touched by your tireless efforts to help these unfortunate children but we have to reject your application for part-time volunteer teacher. We regret that we cannot accept an application by 'Sou-chan'. Kindly give us a proper name and address of residence. Thank you.

-- Mibu Temple Orphanage

Kyoto Survival Guide

by Vice-Editor Katsura K. & staff

Today we bring you to the Kyoto pleasure district of Shimabara. There are some tips on partying and still living to see tomorrow. These exclusive tips are brought to you with help from my kunoichi staff and my little turtledove.

Tip 1: Refrain from too much sake

Yes, I know it's tough with the pretty gals and the company. If you drink, try not to venture out in case you encounter our overzealous Shinsengumi. You need all your wits about you to survive such an encounter. It's better to pay for a room to pass the night in.

Tip 2: Use a designated swordsman

Have at least one or two sober and skilled swordsmen if you must leave at night. They will greatly up your chances of seeing sunrise.

Tip 3: Visit licensed pleasure houses

You can avoid contracting embarrassing ailments. YMSA members are reminded to refer to their list of approved pleasure houses.

Tip 4: Keep a lookout for your naginata-wielding other half

Remember that harmony and moderation is the key to long life. Married men should never neglect their spouse.

Enjoy yourselves in Shimabara's YMSA approved pleasure houses. If you happen to see any shadowy figures darting around there, well, the sake's got to you. If it were a wolf pack, you'll hear them a mile away. Don't be too surprised if the lady you went to bed with mysteriously vanishes in the night. She's simply powdering her nose in the dressing room. Here concludes our Kyoto Survival Guide.

Advertisement:

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Notice to Guests of Ikeda-ya & our sister inns

After complaints by guests on our in-house black rat-catchers being hard to see on the dim stairs, and several painful incidences of guests getting clawed or tumbling down the stairs as a result of tripping over them, we have decided to switch to white cats for our vermin control. The new cats will be fitted with bells.

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Got 20 plus black cats need new home urgently. Expert rat-catchers. Contact Ikeda-ya.

Umeko's Kitchen

Umeya was booked to cater to the Shinsengumi's Community Day! I've spent the better part of a morning stopping over-excited staff from poisoning, er, ruining the meals. The Shinsengumi's in-house cook had been commandeered to cook the prize for the (bleep) marathon! Will you believe that? Then some jerk made off with the soba. At least that's over… Since I've tackled my problems, let me tackle yours.

Dear Umeko-san,
I can't take it anymore! My roommates seem to think that I'm their housekeeper! They NEVER clean ANYTHING!! They've already proven to me that they won't follow through on their promises if I ask for help. Should I try talking to them, or just Aku Soku Zan?

--Not-the-maid

Dear maid-san,

Never Aku Soku Zan unless you're sure you can get those pesky red stains off the floorboards later. Try talking to them nicely but firmly first. If this fails, try going on strike. Take a vacation, find temporary lodgings & let your roommates' mess build up about their ears. They'll take the initiative quick enough when rats start nesting in their futons.

-- Yours, Umeko

Dear Umeko,

My daughter was having a crush on a highly unsuitable ahou. She even joined his fan club! I was very relieved when she left her ridiculous fan club and threw herself into community work at the local orphanage. Then to my horror, she wants to marry a lowly school teacher working there! Should I cut off his head and burn down the orphanage?

-- Irate Father

Dear Irate,

Sigh, it's THAT rebellious stage in every child's growth. So your daughter has decided to take charge of her own happiness and ignore your wisdom. No need to go on a rampage. Think carefully, School teacher or Miburou, who do you prefer as a son-in-law?

-- Umeko

Dear Umeko,

My sensei's been ignoring me! He's also been very busy lately in the YMSA. My brother died last year and I followed my sensei to Kyoto. I have few acquaintances here. Things get awfully lonely at times. I was thinking of keeping a cat in our room, but my sensei refuses to let me as he's allergic. Please help.

-- Lonely Page

Dear Page,

Try not to take your sensei's indifference too seriously. You have a life of your own after all. You need to go out and see the world a bit. Get out, take a walk. Keep an open mind and heart. Maybe you will find a friend, especially one your age. It'd be a bonus if it's a girl… (wink)

-- Yours, Umeko

To my brother K: I know the additional ingredients were your idea, or at least your men's. Please take note that I am a professional cook and restaurant owner. I DO NOT poison my customers. Understand? – Your ever-loving neesan.

Personal Advertisement

STOP using me as a designated swordsman just because I don't drink! I'm sick of having to walk you lot of drunks home after my nightly shift! I'm sick of you throwing up all over me! Blood is already bad enough but vomit's worse! Wait, maybe I can solve your drinking problem permanently…

– Ba Tou Sai

Missing Persons:

I just returned from a long journey and am looking for an old friend and mentor, Ichimura, and his family. Their last known address was a small house in West Kyoto Suburbs. Contact me c/o this paper.

-- Sakamoto R.

Personal Ad:

Nami, the entertainment for the riverside bash the other night was great! Too bad it ended so soon. I was hoping for something more challenging. Guess he's a bit hampered without that cute kimono and wig. – Ake

P.S. When's the next party?

Employment Opportunity:

Private security firm needs discreet laundresses to deal with stubborn stains and rips in clothing. Apply to Katsura K. via this publication.

Author's notes:

R&R welcome. Kenshin & Saitou have finally crossed paths, sorta. Katsura's little turtledove? Katsura Kogoro had a mistress who's a geisha. She became his wife after the Bakumatsu.

Know who Sou-chan is? Wonder what Okubo's reaction will be if he writes his full name & address on that application. Kitsu-dono's taken from another one of my fics, Forgotten. She happens to hold a day job at the local morgue.