Disclaimer: I do not own Peacemaker Kurogane or Ruronin Kenshin.

Thanks for the reviews. Keep them coming & I'll keep the paper running, at least until the Miburou wise up onto us.

I do refer to incidents in the PMK anime & RK OVA. However I also cooked up some jokes of my own, like a Choushu version of the sword chase.

Ryouma fans rejoice! Ryouma's in town!

New Kyoto Post

Working for a Brighter Future!

Issue 6

NOTICE TO YMSA MEMBERS

The YMSA is pleased to inform all members that we have Sakamoto Ryouma here in town to give us a talk on his vast experiences. Sakamoto-san is well-traveled and has a wealth of knowledge. He will be speaking at Ikeda-ya's Red Tearoom. Members are to register soon as places will be limited.

Mr. Sakamoto states that he will not be answering any questions concerning his "ladies". "They are not for sale as they have great sentimental value to me," Sakamoto was quoted as saying while he cleans one of his "ladies". "However, I will greatly appreciate it if someone can tell me where bullets are available."

URGENT NOTICE: YMSA Talk Cancelled

This afternoon's scheduled teatime talk "Window on the World" by guest speaker Sakamoto Ryouma will be replaced by "Bushido: Way of the Warrior" by Sensei Yoshida.

To anyone who witnessed a chase involving our guest speaker and our sword-wielding vice-editor… you didn't see it.

Odd Happenings in Kyoto

Witnesses reported strange lights at an abandoned temple complex on the city's outskirts. This has fueled rumors that the place is haunted. Local peacekeeping units sent to investigate claimed they were set upon by a monster that appeared out of the mist. Come on, do we really need an exorcist? This paper thinks the local patrol has been hanging about the good old sake shack too often.

In another incident, moths were seen mysteriously disintegrating near the riverside. Nature lovers of Kyoto are alarmed that a mystery disease has afflicted our local moth population. A passerby was heard to murmur something about "darkness".

Is this a sign the end of the Shogunate is nearing?

Notice by Kyoto Sports Club

Contrary to rumors, chasing someone while waving a sword is not recognized as a sport by our club or any other sports club in Japan. Kendo schools also do not recognize this strange development.

Sports Editorial: Abacus Marathon?

The Shinsengumi marathon was won by a man on a pair of abacus. Traditional marathon enthusiasts and the Kyoto Abacus Makers Guild are in an uproar. Here are the views of the spokesmen.

Kyoto Sports Club: "It's an insult! It's cheating! They've ruined the purity of the marathon. Long distance sportsmen are to note that such behavior will not be tolerated."

Kyoto Abacus Guild: "We do not encourage the use of our goods in such a manner. Customers found using their abacus in a non guild approved manner (like as sword substitutes or a means of transport) will not be able to claim on their one-year warranty."

Umeko's Kitchen

I won a couple of ryou placing my bets on the outcome of a certain late-night match at the sake shack with my handsome new friend. I knew the red-haired shorty was no pushover. Hey, my brother's page is even skinnier and he fights like a demon. Now to the letters:

Dear Umeko-san,

My sisters and I have a lousy job under an old miser. Not only do we have to serve his customers at his inn, we have to run errands all over Kyoto late into the night. For all the effort we put in, we get no respect at all and are treated like dogs! Should we leave as soon as possible?

-- Big Sister

Dear Big Sister,

Yes, by all means. If you girls need further assistance, I have a quiet room on the first floor of my restaurant. The window overlooks the street. Feel free to contact me at Umeya.

-- Yours, Umeko

Dear Umeko-san,

My fiancé got cut down by a hitokiri. I came to Kyoto hoping to avenge my dead fiancé. But after getting to know the guy who supposedly killed him, I find that, well, he isn't that bad a kid after all. Am I being disloyal to my late fiancé's memory?

-- White Plum

Dear White-san,

Revenge begets only more sorrow. I believe your late fiancé would've wanted you to be happy. That's the proper way to honor his memory. Forget about revenge and start anew. Maybe you will find your own happiness soon. May heaven bless and guide you.

-- Yours, Umeko

(P.S. Does that kid happen to have red hair?)

Dear Umeko,

I can't find my cup of tea anywhere! I was drinking it, then I put it down, and now I can't remember where it is! Do you have any idea where it might be?

--Forgetful

Dear Forgetful-san,

Do you happen to have an overzealous housemaid/ housekeeper/ page cleaning up after you constantly? If yes, it's in the kitchen. Or you may find your ill-treated page filling it with something you definitely don't want to consume. If no, keep looking…

-- Yours, Umeko

(Nami! Where's that cloth Sakamoto-san tore from his sleeve to tie my elbow with after I fell last night? WHAT!? You threw it away?! Nooo…)

NEW RULE for Red & Black Club

As of today, all members MUST be certified in their relevant fields of proficiency. Uncertified members must pass a proficiency test to retain membership.

To former member Hotaru, you are hereby expelled for incompetence! Go back to you-know-where for a re-training course before trying to join our club again.

Assorted Advertisements

Bets taken on outcomes of nightly matches at the sake shack. Who will win tonight?Place bets with Nagi by the second watch.

Covert imports! Interested parties please go to the abandoned warehouse at Yodo Wharf 12.

Ninja gear sale at Aoiya ramee stall. Open from the first to third watch this week only. Pick up kunai, kenpo, shurikens etc at discount prices.

Sale at Yukio's. Clearance! All goods must go before Yukio and family flee for the countryside.

NOTICE: Match cancelled

The Sake Shack regrets that tonight's match of Red Shinpachi vs Sano the Spear has been cancelled as both fighters have patrol duties to attend to or be seppuku-ed. -- Nagi

Apology Notice

To my neesan, sorry I called you a shameless hussy and a cheap whore in the busy street outside Umeya. Can you ever forgive your baka baby brother?

-- K.

To my baka baby brother:

Ryouma-kun was only showing me how one greets a lady in the West. You're over-reacting. For kami's sake! It's just a light kiss on the fingers! I'm taking a trip into the countryside until I cool down. I will be taking my naginata along, so don't worry.

-- Your neesan, Umeko

Editor's Desk: Latest Update!

We are pleased to announce that our prudish Vice Editor Katsura has taken leave to look for his missing and definitely lost sister. Finally, we can get to the juicy dirt on yours truly. (People, you didn't burn those articles like he ordered us to, did you?)

Our advice column Umeko's Kitchen will be taken over by onetime Employee of the Month, Shishio Makoto, until her return. Your letters will be forwarded to him at the firm where he's employed, so keep writing to Umeko's Kitchen.

We deliver to all neighborhoods in Greater Kyoto area.

-- Chief Editor, Ikeda Yori

Author's notes:

Ryouma's refering to his pistols in the headline news. Both Katsura &Sakamoto are swordsman in their own right. Although Sakamoto's a better swordsman than Katsura, he probably has enough common sense not to face him when he's defending his neesan's honor. Sano & Shinpattsan participating insake shack matches, now that's a real reason to be seppuku-ed, maybe they should simply be beheaded.

The Katsura siblings seem to be facing a minor crisis. Umeko has skipped town, so has Ryouma. Oh no! The paper's gonna turn into a cheap mud-slinging tabloid!

Shishio's taking over the advice column. I strongly advise against writing in while Shishio's in charge. If he replies, DO NOT take his advice.