The Lord of the Kings
Chapter 1- An unexpected Party
Bilbo Baggins lived at the highly desirable residence of Bag end. However silly the name sounded know that is was not. Silly that is.
Anyway, Bilbo Baggins was a Hobbit, which is basically a tiny person/ By "Tiny" we mean that even a Dwarf could beat him up. What do you mean "How big is a dwarf?" now you're taking the Mick.
Anyway. Our story begins when the ridiculously ill fated Wizard, Gandalf the Grey, knocked upon the door of Bag End. Ever since his wife, Lady Luck the witch, had caught him with the Elvin queen Galadriel, she had not seen him again.
Bilbo answered the door to see the old Wizard standing there
"You're late"
"A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins" the wizard told him "he arrives precisely when he means to"
"I'm Bilbo" the hobbit said, shaking his head "Come in for a cuppa, why don't you?"
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Whenever Gandalf arrived in town, there was much talk, much gossip of mysterious creatures and elderly strangers. Though in truth Gandalf WAS the elderly stranger.
"I tell you, Ted" Sam said defensively "Threes much strange in the land without Gandalf, and he has been a friend of dear old Bilbo for years"
"Yeah, sure" Ted, an unusually fat and tall hobbit replied, stroking his beard "If he's not trouble, then I'm a damned Dwarf"
The Barkeep tried reasoning with him "We've been telling you that for years, Ted"
At the sudden realisation he was actually a dwarf, Ted suffered a heart attack.
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Eleventy one year was a long time for a Hobbit to live, and Bilbo was celebrating that very birthday tonight! He looked over the crowd of guests with the senile Wizard sitting beside him.
"A marvellous turnout, don't you think so my friend? Why look! There's Sam Gamgee, the only lad in the village to have believed in me! And dear Frodo, my cynical nephew! Look, he's popping that lass's balloon! Look at the little hobbit laugh!"
Gandalf was disgusted "Popping that balloon is cruel, Bilbo, but it was green, so all is to be forgiven"
Now Bilbo was disgusted "You don't like Green, my friend?"
"Of course not"
"I see" Bilbo said clearly offended
"Now looks here-"
"NO, no, I understand perfectly" Bilbo wept He cleared his eyes and addressed the crowd
"MY DEAR BAGGINS AND TOOKS! BRANDYBUCKS AND PRUNDANKLES! YOU SEE THIS ABOMINATION OF A MAN HERE, SITTING BESIDE ME?"
"Yes" Everyone cheered "Hurray for Gandalf"
"HE HAD DECIDED" He told the crowd "HE DOES NOT LIKE THE COLOUR GREEN!"
There was a stunned silence, broken by the sound of a snarling Wolf approaching the crowd. Remarkably, no one heard Meriadoc brandybuck and Peregrin Took draw their hunting bows and start firing upon it.
"THIS MAN" Bilbo continued, as Merry slung his bow over his back and thrust forward at the wolf with his Dagger "RESPECTS NOT THE GRASS, NOR THE SNOT!"
As the crowd of Hobbits were muttering angrily, Gandalf attempted to defend himself "No see here, I don't HATE green, there are far worse colours…like…I don't know….Yellow!"
"HE HATES DAFODILS!" Bilbo screamed "GET HIM!"
The crowd of Halflings attacked him from all angles. Some jumping at him, others throwing stones, and in some cases, other Hobbits.
Meanwhile, Merry delivered a final stab to the ferocious creature, and leapt triumphantly from its back. Pippin smiled and slung his bow over his back, shaking Merry's hand on a job well done
"AND YOU TWO!" Bilbo shrieked "WHY DID YOU NOT ASSIST US IN THE UNCALLED FOR HURTING OF GANDALF! ATTACK THEM! THE LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHINGS"
Another wave of Hobbits piled atop the two heroes
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Bilbo Baggins was just leaving when the wizard got back, having escaped the blood hungry Halflings
"Well" Gandalf said "it appears you went ahead with your trick as planned"
"Yes" Bilbo considered "A trick…"
Gandalf laughed heartily "Bilbo, you are leaving everything to Frodo?"
Yes" Bilbo sighed "Even the King I got from Gollum, whom I have been starving for years upon years. He is on the mantel"
Bilbo motioned to a large, elderly gentleman, attempting to keep his feet away from the fireplace. He looked incredibly tired and half starved. Gandalf didn't even look.
"Bilbo" he said "We both know he is in your pocket"
"My pocket?" asked Bilbo in disbelief "He wouldn't fit. He rights there"
"NO MORE OF YOUR LIES BILBO BAGGINS!" Gandalf snapped, suddenly seeming taller and more fearsome "GIVE UP THE KING"
"But he's right-"
Gandalf swiftly directed a bolt of electricity at Bilbo
"Gandalf- I"
"WHERE IS HE?" he asked, sending bolt after bolt at Bilbo
Eventually, after subjecting Bilbo to hours of pain, Gandalf noted thee presence of the King on the mantle and allowed Bilbo to leave. As the burnt hobbit crawled out of the door Gandalf called "GOODBYE LD FRIEND! MAY WE MEET AGAIN?"