Grissom let himself into his condo, collecting his mail on the way in. He threw away the junk mail and set aside a new journal to read later. He took off his shoes. He took a bottle of water from the fridge. He did all this calmly, purposefully, giving each task his full attention. He did not allow himself to contrast his spartan condo with Sara's warm, cluttered apartment.
He went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth. He took off his clothing and climbed into his large, empty bed. I love Sara. I admitted it. I told her I loved her, and I do. He got up and shut the blinds. He lay back down. She doesn't love me.
I shouldn't have pushed her. She wouldn't have said that if I hadn't pushed her.
But it would still have been true.
Is it true? Look at it logically, Gil. She told me I was more than a boss to her. She told me she moved to Vegas for me. She told me she was attracted to me, essentially. She asked me out.
And she said it could be too late.
And she said it was too late.
He looked at his clock. Only 1 P.M. He had several hours before he was due to arrive at work, and he needed to sleep. He closed his eyes, and saw Sara, leaning over a microscope, a triumphant smile on her face. Sara, wrapping a blanket around him and handing him a thermos.
He opened his eyes. This hurts.
Oh, deep, Gil. 'This hurts.' Where are your quotations now?
"Nothing spoils the taste of peanut butter like unrequited love." Charlie Brown.
Charlie Brown.
I like Charlie Brown. Fine, then. "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and probably be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal." C.S. Lewis.
Too late for that.
Too late.
Right.
Enough quotes. They aren't helping. You gambled and lost, Gil.
Grissom grunted. This was unfair. For all his hesitation, for all his fear, he had never truly believed she would reject him out of hand. For so many years he had told himself it was impossible, that it would never work out. Better to nip it in the bud.Some unacknowledged part of himself, though, had never really resigned itself to the idea. Somewhere there was a vestige of romance, gleaned from too many old movies. He would declare his love for Sara and she would melt. All the barriers- his age, his hearing, their jobs- would fade away as if by magic. Well, every fantasy has to die someday. That's why you never risked it before, isn't it? Didn't want to risk real rejection.
A blow to the ego, isn't it?
Shut up. It isn't my ego that's hurting here.
Oh, be honest, you liked it, didn't you? This beautiful woman, wanting you. Waiting for you to be ready for her.
It was true, he had to acknowledge it. It had been flattering, knowing Sara wanted him. Believing that she wanted him, anyway. That she saw something in him that no one else could see. It was clear now that her crush had faded, as he had told himself it would. He had read more into chance remarks and tiny glances than was really there. He had gone out on a limb and she had cut it off. And yes, that hurt my ego. But it isn't all that it hurt.
He should never have allowed himself to love her. He should never have admitted it, anyway, not even to himself. It was ridiculous- he was much older than her. She was beautiful, and brilliant. She could have her pick of men. He could lose his hearing again- the surgery had worked, but it wasn't a permanent guarantee. If it didn't work out, it would be awkward at work. If it did work out it would be awkward. And now? Now that you've told her you loved her? She is your subordinate. This could be messy.
Sara would be back in a few days. How would she respond to him? How would he respond to her? For a moment Grissom founding himself hoping Sara would extend her trip and stay away even longer, but no, the only thing worse than the prospect of facing Sara again was facing her absence. She's leaving because she's in pain. If she stays away it will be because she can't cope. I need her to be okay. I need to see that smile.
With that thought, Grissom saw in his minds eye a thousand Saras smiling at him. I need to see her smile again.
But what if I've really lost her?
Grissom gave up on sleep.
The line at the Sahara was short, and Grissom was grateful. Showing his pass to the attendant, he climbed into the front car. He had never needed a diversion so badly.
The attendant checked his harness, and then the coaster shot up the first hill. Grissom felt his heart begin to speed with exhilaration as he dropped down into the tunnel.
Well, she said she didn't love you, but is that true? You read people for a living, Gil, so think about it. She feels something, and you know it. She said she couldn't put her heart on the line. Well, neither could you, until today. You still loved her. You know you did.
The ride accelerated rapidly, throwing him back against the headrest.
You couldn't take the risk, because she might reject you. Well, she has, and you're still here. You're breathing. It hurts, but you lived.
The coaster was ascending rapidly toward an apparent dead end. It stopped, and reversed direction. Grissom felt his stomach leap.
I lived. When she comes back we can start over. I have nothing to lose, now.
With a smile, he exited the ride and got back in line.