TITLE: Judas Kiss
SONG: "Sacred" by Depeche Mode
AUTHOR: Alyxandria Jolivet
RATING: PG
CONTENT: Anyone can read this
GENRE: Angst, Drama
SUMMARY: Heinkel Wolfe reflects on what makes her an Iscariot and the
dynamics behind her division. Why serve under the name of a man who betrayed
your lord savior Jesus Christ?
Sacred
Holy
Put it into words, write it down
That is walking on hollowed ground
But it's my duty
I'm a missionary.
- Sacred; Depeche Mode
There are a few things that go through your head before you shoot someone. Mind you, they are far different than the things you happen to think of when you yourself get shot at. However, the similarities remain the same.
Sometimes people take joy in the kill. Sometimes people just want to get it over with. Sometimes people hate it.
In all truth, it depends on the person you shoot. How you shoot them. The distance. The type of gun. Who the person is. What you ate for breakfast. These are all small factors that influence how you deal with the situation after you've done your duty.
Me? I'm a fanatic. I force myself to be a fanatic. It's the only way I can deal with it. Yumiko adopted a disorder called "disassociated identity", Maxwell has pawns to kill for him, and Anderson... well, as you are probably aware, he has some sanity issues to deal with.
I was never diagnosed with anything. I never had anyone do it for me. I am the most sane sister of my organization. See, I just did it. Because if I don't do it, then someone else is going to have to stain their hands. If I don't carry out my job, then the Vatican is just going to go ask another assassin to kill.
Understand?
I'm saving someone's soul right now.
I'm saving someone from hell by doing what I'm doing. I'm saving someone from being condemned as a murderer.
Yeah. I'm a murderer.
I know that.
I know I'll be judged one day.
I know I'm going to hell.
Catholic propaganda can tell you all they want to tell you. 'Just confess, your soul is cleared and up to heaven we go!' Like fuck that's true. In my gut I know what I do is wrong. But I also know that if I don't do it, someone else will take my place and at least I can feel good with the knowledge that I'm saving another person from burning for eternity.
I remember when I joined. Before I was wearing the cloth. Before I knew how to handle a Walther PPK or a .38 custom without safety guard. Before I knew sawed off bits meant more of a bullet spread. Before I knew the difference between a shotgun and a rifle. Damn, I was innocent. Anyways, Alex was the one who convinced me to join.
It was before he went crazy.
Before the Vatican screwed up with his anatomy.
I remember asking, "Why is there a Judas Iscariot branch? Why is there a division named after a traitor? A sinner in the eyes of God?"
Alex was so collected then. So gentle. So understanding. He still is, you know. Still viciously loyal and lovingly dedicated to our lord God and his good mission.
I remember Alex laughed. It was warm. Soft. Mirth. I remember he replied, "Yes, Judas was a traitor. But if it weren't for the fallen apostle, Christ would not have died for his sins. Someone had to betray our lord. Judas was noble. He sacrificed his soul for God's mission. He turned his cheek on Christ so no one else could. He alone shouldered that burden."
I liked that.
It made sense.
It still makes so much sense.
I know I'm going to hell.
Maxwell knows he's going.
Yumiko knows she's going.
Alex... Alex knows he's going.
We all sort of know.
Maybe that's why eventually we all go insane.
Maybe that's why Alex tries still to hold onto his sanity.
Maybe that's why he betrayed the church to kill Maxwell.
Maybe that's why Maxwell went mad with power.
Maybe that's why Yumiko is split emotionally.
We all know we're going to hell so there's no point in behaving Christian.
I hate it, but I love it. It's
hard to explain.
It's days like these I'd like to put a bullet in my head, but I forget I have
to save it for some idiot who's sooner destined for hell than me.
Amen
Author's Notes: I love Iscariot. What can I say? This started off as a small little short drabble for a livejournal community, but I expanded it a little, gave it a better flow, made it kind of choppy, etc. I'm a huge fan of Heinkel Wolfe, and a bigger fan of Heinkel Wolfe x Alexander Anderson. I love writing 'Alex' every time Wolfe speaks. It's just so casual, and I could see her doing that.
Depeche Mode should be Iscariot XIII's official band. ;P Everytime I write an Iscariot fix, I end up listening to them over and over again like a broken record.
The Hellsing Organization gets Nine Inch Nails.
Millennium gets E+Nomine and Rammsteinn.
Fitting.
Comment if you liked. You know I LOVE feedback )