Chapter Fifteen: Their Heartache

We found the whole thing useless and a waste of time after Winry left. I was yelled at by the Colonel for her leave, and glared at by the rest of the soldiers who would now have to put up with him in a bad mood. It was useless from the start anyway!

I walked back lazily from the Colonels office. The look on my face was full with agony, agony I wasn't going to bother keeping bottled up inside. My hair hung in my face getting in the way of my sight. But I continued to trudge down the hallway hands stuffed in my pockets. I already miss the girl.

I opened my bedroom door slowly, expecting to see Winry jump at me with a smile to greet me. But she wasn't there… The room was empty and bare without her presence and it felt like my prison.

The Zeppelin idea was completely out of our reach in the first place, I knew this, and Winry knew this. We were substituting half of the materials found on the Zeppelin with ones with the closest make-up. Winry wanted to build it; oh she wanted to build it. But after the first two days of absolutley no progress, maybe we both knew it wasn't going to happen. But I wouldn't believe it and neither would she. Stubbornness as we liked to call it. When I travelled with Al we tended to make the right decisions because our personalities were so different and it averaged out… but with Winry… I guess we clashed a little too much.

I fell onto the bed watching the sun set, watching it go down… like it had gone down on my life. I really didn't know if I could be saved or helped. I was completely pathetic and I knew this. Not only had I lost a chance to get back to my brother, I had lost Winry as well, as she had made it quite clear she never wanted to see me again. I miss her, I admit it, I miss her.

I did regret telling her it was a mistake, but it was a big mistake. I did regret not holding back, but hold back I should have. Because I had felt so alive that night she touched me that it scared me. I didn't want to depend on her for these things, I didn't need her like that, but it was true that it had complicated everything. When she was about to walk out the door I had thought about telling her the reason I never did this sort of stuff.


"If that never happened last night we would still be friends right now, if you had never told me your feelings we wouldn't be apart… it just complicates everything."

I wanted to yell so badly the heat in my body wouldn't cool. Maybe I just didn't want to hurt her. If things went too far with Winry; I definitely knew I would hurt her. I'm constantly going away, I'm in danger of death every day, if I find a way to bring my brother back… I just wouldn't hesitate… then I would disappear, leaving her. I looked up at the ceiling, thinking of the days we were all carefree, Al, Winry and I.

We sat on the hill together watching the sunset fall the night before Al and I were going to go away for our training. Al and I had just had a fight about who got to sit with Winry alone till dinner time… and of course he won. But he felt sorry for me because I never won any of the fights and trudged inside. "Winry… I'm going to be away for a long time you know…" I said looking away with my face tensed.

"I know…" She replied brushing the hair out of her face.

"I want you to know one thing okay?" I said looking up at her with a small smile, she nodded her head and smiled back. "I will… always love you…"

I had blushed as I leant over to kiss her cheek. I remembered I had got up and run back to the house instantly awaiting the wrath of her wrench. But it never came…

Remembering that almost had me in fits of crazy laughter and I shook violently with the laughter curling up into a ball on my back. I really was no different now, shy to place any affection on Winry. And when she had kissed me for the first time, proving that she was no child anymore… the first thing I had done was blush insanely… she knew this.

I looked out the window with longing eyes, brining my hands up to my lips. It was still hard to believe that I tasted her lips. Actually I had found it hard to believe how easy it was to touch her back. How my hands found her gentle ones as she kissed me softly. How I had completely lost myself over one kiss… amazed me. Colonel had bowed his head with pity and told me to return back to her, go back to govern Rezenboul, because he had no other use for me in the pathetic state I was in.

I walked to the work room my eyes still wide with shock. "Riza… Winry is gone…" I said finding it hard to believe myself. No wait is she really gone?

"Oh Edward… what did you go and do to the poor girl, you really haven't matured at all have you?" She sighed, clapping her hands together. When she still did not have the soldiers' attention she grabbed out her gun and shot into the air. "NOW! GET BACK TO YOUR DORMS!" Riza yelled with anger. The men had dropped their items and ran out of the room like scurrying dogs trying to get away from her gun. She looked at them in confusion then back at me with a piercing anger in her eyes.

"I heard that conversation today Edward and please forgive what I am about to do." I looked up at her with curiosity, before her hand abruptly came into contact with my cheek. The blow forced my head to the side and once the shock had worn away I grinned with minor laughter. She glanced at me as I straightened myself up with an amused look on my face. "Excuse me Full Metal but I really don't see what is funny in this situation." She said harshly pulling her arm up to her head to salute me.

"That's the second time someone from the military has done that to me." I sighed. "I really am hopeless." I looked down with the numb sort of smile and tensed my fists slightly. I didn't have to be with Winry, that was okay, but I knew wherever she was right now that she was crying. I could almost hear her tears inside, I could almost feel the pain and it was unbearable… all caused by a stupid alchemist who didn't know his place in the world.

"You will have to report this to Colonel." Riza said. "He won't be happy."

I found it hard to move my legs, they were weak… my body was weak, I needed her so badly it angered me. But I made it to the colonel's office with some effort and pushed open the door slowly stepping inside while keeping my head down.

"Quite different to your usual entrance I have to say full metal." The colonel said with amusement. "So I have heard about the project, there is no possible way to build this without Winry?" He asked leaning forward a little.

"We didn't even have half the materials for the thing, it was useless." I muttered.

"You're the useless one, why the hell didn't you stop Winry from leaving?" The inquired softer than his usual tone. "And I'm not talking to you as your superior here; I'm not talking about this on a professional level, why did you let Winry leave you?"

"Because she didn't want to stay!" I said with anger looking up to stare him in the eye dangerously. "Unlike you who orders everyone around, I think of Winry as a human being not just a dog!" I yelled fiercely.

"Then why did she want to leave?" He had asked.

"ME OKAY! SHE WANTED TO LEAVE BECAUSE OF THE PATHETIC LOOSER STANDING IN-FRONT OF YOU!" I shouted slamming my hand down on his desk. He lowered his head slightly with a smile.

"And you're really cut up about it aren't you?" The colonel smirked. "You're just going to sit here feeling sorry for yourself as usual." He sighed.

"Of course she was the only thing I had left…" I said looking away.

"A normal person would try to get her back." The colonel sighed. I didn't reply to this and looked away. "I really have no use for you when you're in one of your sulking baby moods. Just return to Resembool and look after it for me." The colonel said handing me the official paper. "You are to give that to the man who is filling in for you when you return."

"I can't return…" I said softly.

"It's an order Edward; you will return whether you're sulking over Winry or not, leave." He said on an angrier note. I turned instantly, happy to get out of there. I didn't care if I was in one of my sulky moods. I wasn't going to return… well not till tomorrow anyway.

So I had to return… this man did live a fair way from Winry and the house was to be handed over to me. Maybe I could just avoid Winry… I didn't want to hurt her by seeing her once again. I could study as well. Because it looked like I now had no other means of returning my brother. If Winry never wanted to see me again what was the harm? It's not like anyone would miss me. "I'm sorry Al I know you told me not to do what I am about to do… but there is no other way." There was one last thing I needed if I was going to succeed. The philosopher's stone.

"Oh Edward before you leave…" The colonel said catching me as I placed my hand on the doorknob. "There is someone currently staying in Rezenboul… called Mr. Kanou, he has been rumoured to hold the philosophers stone, please investigate." He then ushered me out the door.

"Den…" I whispered as I entered the house. My dog was absolutely nowhere to be seen and I needed comfort at this moment. "Oh that's right." I said with laughter. "Nelly was looking after her." I ran into the kitchen feeling the familiar smell of my home. Not did I like returning home anymore, I dreaded it. It was a lonely place filled with horrible memories. It needed to live again, like it had when Edward had returned to me. I picked up the phone and dialled my childhood friend's number hearing it ring.

I looked around the room as I waited sighing with sadness, then heard the start of her answering machine. "Oh Nelly it's me Winry… I'm back could you please bring Den over when you're ready… I thank you again for looking after him." I put the phone back on its hook on a sadder note and sat on the kitchen bench picking the ripest apple from my collection and sinking my teeth into it.

It was very selfish of me to leave Edward. But if anyone was selfish it was him. I still refused to believe he had used me and I had almost made love to him. I refused to believe my childhood friend of so many years had no respect for me as a person. I couldn't find the tears to come out any more. I had cried the whole train trip. Cried the whole way back to the home, cried till I couldn't cry anymore tears. They were now invisible ones on the inside.

I finished the apple and jumped down heading for the bathroom mirror. I observed myself angrily. I wanted to do horrible things to myself, my reflection, showing back an angered hurt little child. A beaten and used woman, bruised on the inside. My eyes were red and puffy from the amount of crying I had done and my hair stuck to my wet cheeks. I removed the hair and pulled it up into a pony tail high on my head. "Edward you idiot."

I didn't know whether I was better off with him not returning at all in the first place. It was true that he had brought life to my house once again. Filled me with passion and desire I longed to feel again, brought heat to all parts of my body when he smiled at me. Or better yet froze my whole body when he touched me. I fell down onto my bed sighing wistfully. Edward… I really can't regret the time I spent with you at all. I was in a worse condition now that was true… but I had lived again for that short time. Something I never thought I would have done again.

I wanted to hate him. I wanted to run after him and kill him, slap him, hit him till he knew the pain I felt. But when I dreamed of him, it was only me holding him, him loving me. I was angry, so angry that I didn't hate him after everything he had done. That I only felt love for him. That I only dreamed of him making love to me… His hands all over me, him touching me, causing me to shiver. I shut my eyes in a sort of daydream when a loud knock caused me to jump.

I sat up instantly blushing at my own dirty, no beautiful thoughts, and rushed to the door. For some reason I was greatly let down when I opened the door, part of me wishing it to be Edward. "Mr. Kanou…" I said with confusion. "You came back for your auto-mail." I smiled and let him in. I was a woman of strength I wasn't going to let STUPID EDWARD GET ME DOWN! I would carry on with my life somehow.

"Did you tell him?" He said as soon as he sat down.

"Yes…" I pulled out the measuring tape and attended to his auto-mail leg. It seemed to be slightly rusted and old. Some of the functions weren't working properly and I wondered how he even moved with it. I'm going to have to create a whole other leg.

"Did it go well?" He asked.

"No… I really don't want to talk about it." I tapped his leg to hear the sound. "Just as I thought hollow… did you get this in Rush Valley?" I asked.

"Why yes… along time ago… and it has lasted me ever since." He said happily.

"Just as I thought, yes this is my master's style truly amazing, WHY DID YOU GO AND GET IT WET!" I said angrily raising my wrench to his face.

"Well… I work in water, I'm a fisherman." He said. I nodded deciding it was his choice what he did with his life, and he shouldn't be inconvenienced because of auto-mail.

"This is going to take about 5 days." I said with a smile.

"No problem, I should end up seeing Edward then." He said with a sigh.

"No, Edward isn't coming back, not if he knows what's good for him." I said angrily tensing my fists because I was wishing that he would come back at the same time.

"Oh really…" The man smirked. "What a shame…"

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