A/N: sorry for the long period of deadness. So much school work + AP Chem to study for. Wish me luck! (No seriously, wish me luck, if I fail this I don't get into a four year college)

(Quistis, Rinoa, and Selphie walk down corridor to the left.)

Quistis: (glares at Rinoa) Look at that whore, she's planning something. I bet that she's trying to use Selphie against me somehow. Well I better get rid of Selphie first.

Rinoa: (stares daggers at Quistis) Damn that bitch, it's obvious she's planning something. I'll give a hundred gil that she's going to team up with Selphie. Then I'll just make sure that Selphie gets in an "accident."

Selphie: (thinking about random stuff) I wonder why no one's saying anything. Maybe I should talk about something to lighten the mood.

Selphie: (clears throat) . . . (takes deep breath) . . . (exhales) So –

Quistis/Rinoa: SHUT UP!

Selphie: (covers mouth with hands) Was it something I said?

(Walk into a kitchen)

Quistis: Oh looks like a dead end.

Rinoa: I guess it does.

Quistis: Selphie, go outside at go down further.

Rinoa: Yeah and come back later.

Selphie: What about you guys?

Quistis: We'll investigate this kitchen.

Selphie: I'm not stupid. I know you guys are trying to get rid of me so you can kill each other. And since I'm such a nice person I'm gonna stay here and never let you two out of my sight.

Rinoa: That's a pity. Because the Magic Fairy Queen told me that she has a bottle of Super Dooper Magic Pixie Juice.

Quistis: Yes, and she can't give you any because she doesn't like you.

Selphie: (In tears) Wha-why? What did I do. I'm being a good girl. Honestly!

Quistis: (points out the door) Look! There she goes! She says she'll forgive you and give you a pinch of her Super Dooper Magic Pixie Juice if you can catch her.

Rinoa: And you better hurry, cuz she's flying very fast!

Selphie: (Shouting hysterically) Wait for me, Magic Fairy Queen! I'm a' comin'!

Quistis: Threat #1: Selphie: Eliminated. New Target: Rinoa: Must Eliminate

Rinoa: Thank Hyne that dumbass Selphie is gone. Now time to get rid of Quistis.

Quistis: So, does this place look totally new to you?

Rinoa: It's a kitchen. I've seen kitchens before. What the hell are you talking about?

Quistis: Well I didn't think you'd know what it is since you're too stupid to cook.

(random audience): Ooooooh!

Rinoa: I can too!

Quistis: No you can't. You're too stupid to even boil water!

(Random audience): Aaaaah!

Rinoa: (thinks back to remember)

FLASHBACK

Squall: Rinoa, can you boil me some water?

Rinoa: Why?

Squall: (much like Cloud). . . I . . . don't know. I really . . . don't know. . . What. . . Ah . . . this tingling sensation . . . in my fingers . . . What! Sephiroth . . . what are you doing to me . . . stop . . .!

Rinoa: Uh. . . ok.

(five minutes later the Balamb Fire Department teams up with the Dollet Fire Department to put out the greatest fire to ever occur on the Balamb continent)

END FLASHBACK

Rinoa: Well you're just a bookworm. I bet you can't even cook for shit without a cookbook.

Quistis: Oh yeah? You wanna bet?

Rinoa: Sure.

Quistis: Whoever can make the best chocolate cake by the time we're supposed to rendezvous wins.

Rinoa: Ok

Quistis: The boy'll be the judges. The loser has to back off Squall forever. Deal?

Rinoa: Deal!

(Back to the boys)

Zell: -- Werewolf!

Werewolf: ROOOOOAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!

Zell: Run for your lives, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Squall: Zell! Rule #1: Maintain calm on the battlefield.

Zell: What the hell are we supposed to do man? It's a freakin' werewolf!

Squall: You're a martial artist. Go attack it now.

Zell: But, but it's a freaking werewolf with large fangs and whatnot! I'm scared!

Squall: Zell, you have the potential to be a great warrior. You just need to look deep down inside and block off all the voices that say "You can't do this!" Dig deep. Find the warrior within yourself. Unleash your power!

Zell: You're right! I CAN do this! (charges forward and attacks with a flurry of punches and kicks that are too fast for the eye to see.) I DID IT! You were right Squall!

(Actually, due to his low intelligence and poor night vision, he has actually knocked out Irvine)

Squall: Great going, smacktard.

Zell: Oops.

Werewolf: RRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGHHH!

Zell: (passes out from fright)

Squall: I guess it's up to me now.

Squall: Come and get some. (monster attacks but Squall defends himself with torch.)

Squall: This is good. As long as we have this torch, we can use it as a gunblade and fight.

Squall: (trips and drops torch. Werewolf gets between torch and Squall.)

Squall: Ok never mind. Now we are officially screwed.

Werewolf: RRRRRRR (choke) (cough, cough, cough) (takes a cough drop) RRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!

Squall: I'm not afraid of you.

Squall: OMG! What the hell are you talking about? That scared the living SHIT out of me!

Squall2: Hey don't worry. I'm the Commander of SeeD. I think I know a little about hand to hand combat. Now let's see. . . (tries to remember thing he covered in Quistis' class. But fails and can only remember mentally undressing her) Ok, you're right, we are now officially screwed.

Squall3: No we're not. Check this out!

Squall: How many of us are there?

Squall3: The hell if I know.

Squall: (does the first thing that comes to mind) Take this! (kicks werewolf in the nuts)

Werewolf: Uuuurrrrrgghh!

Squall: (rolls and picks up torch) KONOHA ANCIENT SECRET FINAL TAIJUTSU TECHNIQUE: THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN! (ferociously shoves the flaming torch up the werewolf's ass)

Werewolf: (passes out from pain)

(random fanfare music starts blaring)

Squall: (walks over to Zell)

Zell: (cowering behind Irvine, uses him as a human shield) Please don't eat me . . . my sexy body is nothing but lean, well-toned muscles and perfect curves. I'll taste nasty and give you diarrhea. And if you let me live, I'll bring you more people to eat.

Squall: Zell, it's me.

Zell: Squall! Oh thank the Lord, you saved us!

Squall: That I did. Now let go of Ivine.

Zell: Ok

(Squall and Zell wake up Irvine)

Irvine: What the? What happened?

Zell: Squall killed the werewolf.

Irvine: What werewolf?

Zell: That werewolf. Standing behind me and breathing heavily over me.

Irvine: o.0

Squall: o.0

Zell: Oh. SHIT.

Werewolf: (takes off head) God that hurt like a $&.

Squall, Zell, Irvine: Seifer!

Seifer: Yeah?

Zell: What are you doing here?

Seifer: What's it look like to you, Chicken Wuss? The hell if I know. Now pull this thing out of my ass, Squall.

Squall: (Pulls torch out of his ass)

Seifer: Hehe. I got you cunts good, didn't I? Especially you, Chicken Wuss.

Zell: N-no! I knew it was all fake.

Seifer: Whatever, Chicken Wuss, from what I saw, you nearly wet your pants.

Irvine: (feels Zell's pants) Oh, he's yet his pants alright.

Seifer: (points and laughs)

Zell: H-hey! Shut up Seifer. You know I can take your ass anyday!

Seifer: Oh yeah?

Zell: Yeah! Remember that time with Ultimecia? I kicked her ass so hard she let me have butt sex with her.

Ultimecia: (pops up randomly out of Time Compression) Zell, you never even TOUCHED my ass. I'd have killed you if you did.

Zell: What? Then whose ass . . . ?

Irvine: (fingers collar nervously)

Squall: Well whatever. It's almost time. Let's go back and meet the girls.

(In the assigned meeting room. It's been a long time and I've forgotten where)

Quistis: (seductively) Well hello, boys :P.

Irvine: Why's Selphie crying?

Selphie: (sniff) The Magic Fairy Queen (sniff) she-she left without me!

Rinoa: Ok whatever. Would you boys like some chocolate cake?

Seifer: Hell yeah!

Quistis: (wink) Try mine first!

(They all try hers)

Squall: mmmmmm! This is really good!

Irvine: Probably the best chocolate cake I ever had!

Seifer: This cake kicks some major 55!

Zell: Wait, I want to try some!

Seifer: Too late Chicken Wuss, no more left.

Zell: I hate you dirty hoes!

Quistis: (sticks tongue out at Rinoa)

Rinoa: (growl) Squall, would you like some of MY cake?

Squall: (remembers past incidents with Rinoa's cooking) Uhhm. Sure. (carefully lowers one finger into it. Barely touches surface then licks finger. Starts gagging, and narrowly avoids throwing up.)

Irvine: C'mon Squall it can't be that bad!

(Seifer and Irvine try some)

Irvine: OH MY GOD, MY TONGUE IS ON FIRE! THAT WAS THE WORST TASTING THING I'VE EVER TASTED!

Seifer: DEAR ALMIGHTY, SAVE ME! THIS TASTES WORST THAT BATTERY ACID!

(Irvine and Seifer go over to a corner and start barfing)

Selphie: (light bulb appears on top of head. Takes a pan and shits in it. Gives it to Zell). Here, Zell have some of Rinoa's cake.

Zell: Gee, thanks Selphie, you're the nicest person ever. (starts eating it) Mmmmmmm-mmmmm! I don't know what those guys are thinking, but your cake tastes great, Rinoa!

Selphie: April Fools! You're eating my crap silly!

Zell: Eeeeewwww! I need something to wash away the taste! (eats some of Rinoa's cake) NOOOOOOOO! THAT TASTES EVEN WORSE! (goes over to corner and starts barfing with Irvine and Seifer.)

Ghost: (randomly appears) HP:2000 BOOO! I am the ghost of Count Bad Coo K. Ing!

Rinoa: (snaps) STOP TALKING ABOUT MY COOKING! (hurls pan of cake into ghost's face)

Ghost: Damage dealt from cake: 9999 OMG! I'M DEAD AND EVEN I THINK THAT DISGUSTING! (goes over to corner and starts barfing)