All We Have To Fear

by Gary D. Snyder

Chapter 5:

Despite his best efforts to remain calm Jimmy's voice was shaking. "This is not good."

"You think?" Libby shot back nervously. She tried to think of everything her parents had taught her about dealing with bullies and strangers, but none of the advice seemed to apply to walking undead and an 8-foot spider. Next time we think of ways to raise money, I'm going with the babysitting idea, she thought.

Despite the terror engulfing him Jimmy tried to insinuate himself between Libby and the creatures advancing on them. "Okay, Libby," he said, "When I count to three, I want you to –"

He was interrupted by a familiar clucking voice. "Hey! Creature!" The two monsters halted and slowly turned to face their unknown challenger. "Leave those kids alo-o-ne!"

The spider hissed and snapped its dripping fangs at Miss Fowl while the zombie lurched towards her, muttering its familiar mantra of "Bra-a-ains." Miss Fowl waited calmly for the creature to approach, and then, as it reached for her, drew back and landed a roundhouse right on its jaw. There was a crack of fracturing bone and tendon as the force of her blow spun it about and dumped it, senseless, on the lawn. This appeared to unnerve the spider. It huddled down and began to inch slowly away from the stern teacher.

"And you!" Miss Fowl snapped in a tone that Jimmy and Libby knew all too well. She marched towards the spider, waving her finger at it. "How would you like a nice detention – down the drain?"

The prospect apparently did not appeal to the spider. With a final hiss of disappointment and fear it turned and scurried back to the haunted house, squeezing through the opening to disappear into the blackness from whence it came. Jimmy and Libby were momentarily speechless as Miss Fowl smoothed some stray strands of hair back into place.

"That was amazing!" Libby said at last. "Weren't you scared?"

"Scared? Of them?" Miss Fowl replied and shook her head. "I was married to a werewolf once. I'm not afraid of some second-rate undead with poor fashion skills." The zombie on the ground seemed to take offense at this, for it groaned angrily. Miss Fowl swung towards it, clearly in no mood for any backtalk. "Zip it!" she snapped and the creature subsided, totally cowed. "And spiders are something that every woman on her own has to learn to deal with," Miss Fowl continued. "It's vampires that really bug me."

"I wish you hadn't said that," said Jimmy, who had been thinking about what had happened.

"Why?" asked Miss Fowl. "Everyone is afraid of something. That's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I know it's not something to be ashamed about," Jimmy replied. "But it seems that –"

Jimmy seemed doomed to never complete a sentence, for a cold, faintly-accented voice broke in. "Winnifred Fowl," it said. "I have come for you." Already knowing what they would see, the three turned to face a tall, darkly handsome, and aristocratic figure clad in formal attire and standing in the entrance of the haunted house. It regarded them coldly and then smiled, revealing a set of white teeth accentuated by a pair of long and extremely sharp canines. "Permit me to introduce myself," the vampire went on as it stepped forward. "My name is Count –"

It was now the vampire's turn to be interrupted by a lanky figure who stepped out of the shadows.. "Down? Chocula? De Money?"

"Sheen?" Libby gasped in disbelief.

With a snarl of fury the vampire seized the boy and lifted him entirely off the ground in one superhumanly powerful fist. "Foolish, callow youth!" he sneered. "You dare to mock me?"

Sheen seemed to give this serious consideration before nodding. "Yeah, I guess so."

This seemed to throw the undead count off-guard. "It was a rhetorical question."

"'Rhetorical'…" Sheen repeated thoughtfully. "That's a word I probably should know, but to tell you the truth I'm not really that good a student so you'll probably have to tell me what it means."

"What it means," the vampire returned grimly, "is that I will drain you of every last drop of blood and leave you a withered and lifeless husk before I deal with your friends." He bared his fangs again and drew Sheen closer. "Do you have any last words?"

"Yes," Sheen answered as the fangs came within inches of his neck. "Do you like garlic sausage as much as I do?" As the vampire hesitated, wondering what this could mean, Sheen suddenly breathed heavily into his would-be predator's face. Instantly the vampire dropped Sheen, gasping and choking as it writhed in agony. As Jimmy and the others watched in wonder the vampire dwindled before their eyes, assuming the shape of a bat, and fluttered away. Sheen shook his fist after the bat as it disappeared into the night, squeaking in rage. "And there's plenty more where that came from!" he shouted. Satisfied that the immediate danger was over he sauntered over to his friends and teacher.

"That was unbelievable!" Libby greeted him as he came up.

"Yeah, well, nothing any superhero who likes garlic sausage wouldn't have done," he answered, throwing an arm around Libby's shoulders. "Fortunately I happened to know that vampires absolutely hate the smell of garlic."

Libby pushed him away. "They aren't the only ones."

"Okay," Jimmy said. "Everything looks clear for the moment. Just don't think of anything –"

"Hey, guys," Carl said to them as he wandered up. "Is it all over?"

"Apparently so," Sheen replied. "It's a pity, in a way. It was kind of fun."

"Yeah," Carl agreed. "Miss Fowl beating up the zombie and scaring off that spider and you chasing the vampire away was pretty cool. This is probably the best haunted house I've ever seen, mostly because it isn't scary." He stopped to look at Jimmy, who was glaring at him. "What?"

"Will everyone please give me a chance to talk without interrupting me?" he yelled. The others stared at him silently and Jimmy nodded. "Good. Now, first of all, don't think of anything that scares you. It seems that those kinds of thoughts cause these creatures to appear."

"Oh," Sheen said. "You mean like the Marrow Suckers from Ultra Lord Episode 85 or the Flesh Peelers from Episode 121 or -"

Libby clamped a hand over his mouth. "But why would they appear at all?" she asked. "It seems like that's what we need to find out."

"Maybe this haunted house was built on an old cemetery or something and we've angered the spirits by disturbing their eternal rest," Carl suggested.

Miss Fowl shook her head. "Impossible. Before the school was here there was an old recycling plant. Of course," she went on, "since that was back around World War I it wasn't very successful and they had to eventually close it down."

Sheen pushed Libby's hand off his mouth. "I knew it!" he lamented, clenching his fists in despair. "We're being tormented by the spirits of all those post-consumer recyclables that were denied their eternal rest in some landfill!"

"No, Sheen," Jimmy answered. "It's the Phobifier 5000."

Libby put her hands on her hips. "And what, exactly, is a Phobifier 5000?"

Jimmy sighed and knew that he had to confess. "It's something I invented to make the haunted house scarier," he said. "It reads your brain waves to determine what you're afraid of and then sort of tricks you into thinking what you're afraid of is really there."

"Well, congratula-a-ations," Miss Fowl clucked dryly. "It worked."

"But it's only supposed to make you think that something scary is there. It's not supposed to make them real."

"So what's going on?" Carl asked.

"And why aren't all the things that Carl is afraid of popping out of there?" Libby added.

"I don't know," answered Jimmy. "I don't know why the phobifier making things actually appear. I don't know why it isn't affecting Carl. And I don't know why it's working on us when we're out here and I calibrated it so that it would only affect people inside the house." He paced back and forth as he always did when he was trying to find the solution to a difficult problem. "But there must be some logical explanation. And the way Cindy was acting must figure into all this as well. There must be a connection. But what?"

"Jimmy?" Carl asked.

Jimmy didn't seem to hear him. "At least things seem to be under control," he went on. "As long as we don't think about anything we're scared of we should be safe."
Libby looked thoughtful. "You mean, like that guy said, 'All we have to fear is fear itself?'"

"That's, 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself'," Miss Fowl corrected her.

Libby rolled her eyes. "If you want to say it the square way," she defended.

"Jimmy?" Carl tried again.

"Okay," Jimmy said. "Until I can understand what's going on the only thing to do is to shut down the phobifier. The closer I get to it the harder it will be for me to not be affected, but I think I can do it if the rest of you can keep your thoughts under control."

"Jimmy!" Carl nearly shouted.

Jimmy turned to Carl with a sigh. "What is it, Carl?" he asked.

Carl pointed to the mass of humanity approaching them. "What about them?"

Jimmy stared at the crowd of people who were arriving for the advertised haunted house attraction, each of whom, he was sure, was filled with thoughts of what frightened them and vague ideas of what might actually be there to scare them. "Gas planets!" was all he could say.

End of Chapter 5

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