All We Have To Fear

by Gary D. Snyder

Chapter 6:

Cindy was tired. She had been walking for hours, but had no idea where she was going or where she had been. She knew only that she had to keep going even if she did not know what it was that drove her on or for what purpose. She was trying to get to something, she thought dimly. Or was it away from something? The answer was somewhere in the black recesses of her mind, just beyond the reach of light and reason. A secret flame, it fired the raw emotion that that drove her on while remaining beyond her powers of insight or intellect.

At length she was too fatigued to go on and she collapsed on a bench to rest. Through the haze surrounding her she vaguely realized that, for all her walking, she was only a few blocks from the school. The thought was somehow disquieting, and the uneasiness served only to irritate her and further fuel her anger. The emotion both supplied and devoured energy within her, and for a long moment she wavered as she was caught in the terrible conflict between its enervating power and its debilitating effects. In the end her exhausted body decided for her, and she slipped into a deep slumber.

Sleep did not bring her a total respite, however. In her dreams she continued to roam the streets of Retroville, still angry and unsure of her objective but no longer a helpless captive of blinding rage. As she continued to wander, looking about her, she heard a vaguely familiar voice calling her.

"Hello, Cindy," it said.

Cindy turned, puzzled. "Jacques?"

The former exchange student smiled. "Yes. It is good to see you again. You are happy to see me, no?"

"No," Cindy replied. "I mean, yes. I mean –"

Jacques took her hand in his and gave it a light kiss. "I have missed you, ma chérie."

Cindy felt oddly unmoved by the gesture, as though she were a spectator watching some faded and unremarkable movie from a great distance. In the scene she saw Jacques pull her to him and gently stroke her hair, and then she was back within herself, feeling his arms around her and looking up into his eyes. "Did you?" she heard herself say.

"Mais oui," he whispered. "This night apart has seemed forever."

"This night?"

"Yes," Jacques replied softly. "When we parted, the sun set for me and never rose again. But one night or a hundred, I have measured the time in heartbeats."

Before Cindy could answer she heard an infuriatingly familiar voice. "What, you couldn't just use a watch?"

"Neutron!" Cindy spat. She pulled free of Jacques and swung to confront Jimmy, who was coolly regarding the fingernails of his right hand. "Just what do you think you're doing?"

"Me?" Jimmy looked innocent. "I was just out shopping for a picnic I was planning. It looks like all I really need is some fried chicken." He strolled past Cindy and Jacques and gave them both a smug look that made Cindy's blood boil. "I think there's more than enough corn here already."

As Jimmy departed Cindy could almost feel her teeth cracking as she ground them together. "That…little…" she stuttered in rage. "What does he know about anything?" The anger she had almost forgotten about blazed up again and threatened to engulf her before she could regain control and turn back to Jacques. "I'm sorry. Sometimes he makes me so mad I could just…just…" She made motions of wringing out a wet washcloth.

Jacques watched Jimmy walk away and then sighed and shook his head. "Perhaps this was not a good time. Some other time, perhaps." He turned and began walking away in the opposite direction Jimmy had gone.

"No, wait," Cindy protested. While she had not particularly been enthused to see him she was reluctant to see him go. "It's okay. I'm not upset at you. It's that idiot –"

"Au revoir, cherie," Jacques called back faintly as he faded into the distance. "Some other time..."

Cindy watched him disappear from view with mixed emotions. Being in Jacques' arms and caressed by him hadn't really excited her, she told herself. So why did it hurt to see him go?

"Can you believe the nerve of that guy?"

Cindy looked around, startled. She hadn't heard anyone come up. "Nick?" She looked in the direction Jacques had gone and back again and shook her head. "It's wasn't his fault. It was that nitwit Neutron that made him go."

Nick leaned back against a lamppost and nodded. "That's what I mean. You can't turn around without Neutron being there and messing things up for you."

At the mention of the name a twinge at the back of her mind made Cindy wince. "What?"

"Think about it." Nick moved up next to her and gently brushed her arm with his finger, but the pain in Cindy's head kept her from noticing. "You've got plans, things are going along fine, and then – bam!" Nick smacked his fist into his palm to emphasize the point. "There's Neutron to mess things up. Just like now. Just like then."

"Like…when?" The throbbing in Cindy's head worsened. She clutched at her head and shut her eyes tightly, trying to block out the pain.

Nick went on, seemingly oblivious to her distress. "I mean, I was all ready to take out that overgrown chicken. I'm not a coward. I could have handled it. But before I could, that little runt swoops in and ruins everything. We didn't need him then." He put his hands on Cindy's shoulders and gently pulled her closer. "And we don't need him now. We never did."

Somehow Nick's words seemed to lessen the pain and Cindy opened her eyes, looking up at him. "We?" she repeated.

"You know it," Nick replied, his voice smooth and soothing. "We, as in –"

"- the first two letters in 'weird'," the insufferably irritating voice broke in.

The pain in Cindy's head instantly returned. With a snarl of unbridled fury, Cindy tore away from Nick and stalked towards Jimmy, blood in her eye. Jimmy stood his ground, looking unruffled at her approach. "That's it, Nerd-tron," she snapped. "Prepare to die!"

Once again Jimmy gave her that guileless stare. "What for?"

"For being where you shouldn't be once too often!" she yelled at him. "Nick is right! We can't turn around without you being there!"

"Well, where else should I be?" Jimmy asked.

"I don't care! Nowhere! Somewhere! Anywhere but here!" She stamped back and forth, the rage and anguish she felt growing inside her as she spoke. "I've had it with you and the way you keep interfering in my life! If it's not space aliens kidnapping my parents, it's swapping our brains or being threatened by rampaging pants or…or…" Her voice crumbled and she sank to her knees, the agony in her head forcing tears from her eyes. "Make it stop," she pleaded, her voice becoming a sob of anguish. "Somebody…please…make it stop."

Nick shook his head in sympathy. "I wish I could," he said, "but it looks like this is between you and Neutron." He turned and walked away, still shaking his head. "Catch me later when you get it worked out."

Jimmy stood there in silence, as though uncertain what to say or do. At last he said only, "It's up to you," and walked away.

Cindy remained where she was, kneeling on the ground her head in her hands and her eyes tightened against the merciless pounding in her head. She had scarcely heard what Nick and Jimmy had said, and was only barely conscious of their departure. She felt small and alone, engulfed in an ocean of pain that tore at her with each fresh wave that swept over and around her. In the midst of her suffering she heard a laugh from far away, and a trickle of astonishment penetrated the blackness that surrounded her. She felt the touch of a hand on her shoulder and at the touch the pain that had tormented her subsided enough for her to look up in dull curiosity.

"Hello, Cindy," the figure said.

Cindy didn't answer, feeling only relief that the pain, while still there, was now bearable. She tried to focus her eyes on the person standing before her. It seemed to be a boy a couple years older than her.

"How are you feeling? You don't look too good."

Cindy nodded. "No. There's something wrong. Something I have to fix. But I don't know how."

The boy squatted down beside her. "Care to talk about it? Maybe I can help."

Something in the voice made it difficult to resist and the prospect of help sounded good to Cindy. With the boy's assistance she made it to her feet and she stood there silently, wondering what to say, as the boy waited patiently for her to speak. "There's something wrong," she said, her voice barely audible, "but I don't know what. All I know is that it hurts and I want it to stop. But I don't know how to stop it. I don't know what to do. He's the only one who always knows what to do. But he can't help me. And I don't want him to help me."

The boy's voice was sympathetic. "Sounds like you have issues."

The phrase struck a chord somewhere inside Cindy and she squinted, trying to recognize the boy speaking to her. "Do I know you?" she asked.

"We've met a couple time before," the boy replied, "but it's been a while, so you may not remember me. My name is Lou." He held out his hand and smiled, and while his manner seemed friendly there was the suggestion of something behind it that Cindy didn't trust. "Lou Cipher. I think maybe I can help you. Maybe…" His smiled widened and he went on. "Maybe we can help each other."

End of Chapter 6

Page 4 of 4