All We Have To Fear

by Gary D. Snyder

Chapter 7:

Cindy pressed her palms against the painful throbbing in her head. "I don't…I don't understand," she managed to say. "What do you mean? How can you help?"

"I know the pain you're feeling," Lou answered. His tone became almost hypnotic, the words a chant. "I know what it is…where it comes from…and how to make it go away. It can all go away." The words were a promise of peace and a release from her torment. "Just trust me and be free."

Lou's offer might have seemed odd to Cindy, but the pain in her head was too much for her to question it. "How?" was all she could say.

"Do you trust me?" The voice which had been silk was now like stone, still smooth but as hard and cold as polished marble. "Tell me that you trust me."

As desperate as she was to end the suffering something within Cindy still resisted the voice. Other voices inside were trying to tell her something, and although she could not hear them clearly she knew that they were warning her to not trust this boy who sought to draw her in with the gentle words and promises of peace. She fought to remain free, but the struggle only increased her misery. "All right," she gasped at last. "I trust you." The surrender brought a measure of relief, but the pain that remained still brought a sob to her voice. "Just make it stop."

Lou moved behind her and his voice softened again as he massaged her neck. "Very good, Cindy," he assured her. "To remove the pain, find the source."

Cindy shook her head in bewilderment. "I don't understand."

Lou's voice was like the rustle of leaves in the wind. "Remember…"

"Remember, Cindy," her mother was telling her, "this is a new school year and you're a big girl now. You've always done well in your classes. Don't disappoint us."

Cindy's eyes snapped open in surprise. It was a late summer morning with the sun shining brightly and the leaves on the trees rustling gently overhead. Her parents were standing in front of her and seemed taller somehow, so that she had to lean back to look into their faces.

"What?" was all she could say.

"Now, Cindy," her father told her. "You have to concentrate. I know you must be upset, but just do your best and everything will be fine." He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead just as the bell rang. "Now, hurry off to class. You don't want to be late for the first day." He leaned closer and whispered, "You know we'll always be proud of you, no matter what."

Her mother also kissed her good-bye and Cindy turned towards the school, feeling confused. There was something familiar about all this and she felt that something bad was going to happen, but she couldn't recall what. As she puzzled over it she heard a light voice call out, "Hey there, girlfriend."

"Hi Libby," Cindy replied automatically and slowed her pace somewhat.

Libby caught up with her at the door. "Something up? Why did your parents bring you today? You feeling okay?"

Cindy nodded absently. "Yes. I think so. I just think…"

"You're always thinking." Libby shook her head in exasperation. You have to learn to kick it down sometimes, girl. Being the smartest kid in school has to be a total drag." As Cindy turned down the hall from force of habit Libby stopped and planted her hands on her hips. "Hey, where you going?"

Cindy stopped. "Miss Fowl's class."

Libby stared and started laughing. "Miss Fowl's class? You been skipped ahead a few years and not tell me?" She pointed in the opposite direction. "Mrs. Fleeger's class is that way, girl."

Mrs. Fleeger's class? Cindy thought as she mechanically rejoined Libby and proceeded down the hall. But I had her back in third grade… back when…when… Almost in a state of shock, knowing what she would find, she opened the door to the classroom and walked in. It was just as she remembered it, although she had not thought about it for a long time. There was Mrs. Fleeger, chalking her name on the board at the front of the room. In the back of the classroom several kids were snickering and engaging in pre-class horseplay while the teacher's back was turned. And there, in the front row, was the boy she had learned to despise for two long years.

Jimmy Neutron. The boy genius who had cheated her of her victory at the junior spelling bee two years ago, and who would from this day forth eclipse her through the next three years of classes at Lindbergh elementary. Angry memories welled up inside her and her expression hardened at the thoughts of what she knew was to happen this day. Now she understood her parents' parting words. Back then she had been infuriated to learn that she be attending school with Jimmy Neutron. She had hated him for showing her up.

Like some of the other kids Jimmy had looked up to see who the new arrivals were and for a few seconds his eyes met Cindy's. Through the bitter memories she was shocked to see how young and vulnerable he looked. He had always been smaller than the other children his age, and now, as the new kid in school, he looked as frightened and alone as he must have felt. A brief look of pleasure crossed his face at seeing her and she puzzled over that before realizing that, hostile at it was, her face was at least a familiar one. Almost immediately he looked back down at the top of his desk and she crossed the room with Libby to occupy vacant seats as far from Jimmy as Cindy could get from him.

"Good morning, class," Mrs. Fleeger began in her precise, almost clipped, tones. "I'm pleased to see you all. I know that some of you are new here, but I'm sure that we'll all be good friends before the school year is over. If you will all take out a fresh sheet of paper we'll begin with our arithmetic lesson…"

Mrs. Fleeger's voice faded into a dull murmur in Cindy's ears as her thoughts moved over the events of the day, months, and years to come. By the end of the day Jimmy would firmly establish himself as the 3rd grade's star pupil and relegate her to the rank of second-best. By the end of the school year everyone would universally acknowledge him as the smartest student in school. The memory of her parents' disappointment at her change in status tore at her like talons.

"Cindy Vortex!" a man's voice called.

Cindy looked up, startled. She was no longer in Mrs. Fleeger's class. She was instead with her parents in the school auditorium, which was filled with the other students and their parents. "I'm sorry," she called out. "What were you saying?"

There was a sprinkle of laughter through the crowd and the voice, which she now recognized as belonging to Principal Willoughby, called out again. "Come on over to the stage, Cindy, and collect your award." Puzzled, Cindy took the stage and stood next to Principal Willoughby as he continued. "Cindy's science project on resource conservation through comprehensive recycling efforts has certainly been an eye-opener for us all and shows a great deal of thought, effort, and social responsibility."

There was prolonged applause at this. Cindy's parents smiled at her, but she didn't smile back or speak. She knew what was to come.

"Cindy," Principal Willoughby said, "I know that you and your parents will take great pride at being awarded Second Prize for your outstanding project. You've certainly earned it. Congratulations!"

The crowd applauded again as Cindy accepted the trophy, but the looks of disappointment on her parents' faces made her stare down at the floor in abject humiliation. She trudged off the stage as Willoughby went on.

"It would take miracle to out-do Cindy Vortex's project, but we have a young man here who's made a name for himself working miracles. The Grand Prize winner of this year's science fair is none other than Jimmy Neutron for his fully-functional scale model of an actual low-temperature fusion reactor…"

The sights and sounds of the science fair faded away and other scenes flashed before Cindy's eyes. She watched again as Jimmy broke state school testing records, became the youngest person ever to be awarded patents in fields of electronics, physics, chemistry, and cybernetics, receive credit for publishing a special theory on the fundamental nature of matter, and win one award after another despite her best efforts to best him. And each time, the effect on her parents was to have them grow more and more accustomed to the disappointment of having a daughter who, although gifted, seemed less and less exceptional after all.

Cindy once again became aware of Lou's voice speaking. "Do you remember?" she heard him ask. "Do you understand now the torment you feel and the fear you've always had?"

The mention brought the pain back to Cindy. "What fear?" she asked in a feeble voice.

"Of being second best," he replied. "Of not being good enough to the ones you care about."

Cindy shut her eyes and covered her ears, hoping that the pounding in her head would drown out the voice. "That's not true!" she cried. "They've always been proud of me. They said so!"

Lou pulled Cindy's hands away from her ears. "That's why you feel the pain, Cindy," he went on remorselessly in tones that were at once both reasonable and firm. "You keep it inside. And until you let it out it the pain will always be there."

Cindy shook her head in denial but her resolve was weakening. "I don't' believe you!"

"You've seen for yourself how it all began and where it all led. Jimmy is the source of your fear and your pain. You're afraid of him because of everything he's done to you. Afraid that he always will be better than you. Afraid that as long as he better is you're a failure you everyone you care about." He voice took on a gentle, nearly pleading tone. "Release your fear, and ease your pain, Cindy. It's the only way."

Cindy tried to fight on, but found herself too weary to resist any longer. With her head down and her shoulders hunched in defeat, she sagged to the ground. Her lips worked soundlessly for a moment before the words finally came out. "Yes," she whispered, barely loud enough for Lou to hear and oblivious to his satisfied smile. "I'm afraid of Jimmy Neutron."

End of Chapter 7

Author's Notes:

People have commented that the events and actions of the characters in the past chapter (and most likely this chapter as well) have seemed unreal. I consider that to be high praise, because they're supposed to be. I don't want to give away everything yet, but things should all tie up by the end of this story. From time to time I'd like to think that when people get to the end of these stories of mine they sometimes go, "HUH?", re-read them, and then say, "OH! RIGHT!"

There's not a lot of "official" information on what the early years of Jimmy and Cindy were like, so the best I can do with the backfill is to consider what has been revealed in the movie and TV episodes and then be consistent with the extrapolations my own stories. Readers of some of my other fan fictions might notice the references. If not this story should still hold together, although some background on Lou (from "The Devil and Jimmy Neutron" and "The Devil Came Back to Retroville") might add some meaning to the events transpiring.

Page 4 of 4