All We Have To Fear

by Gary D. Snyder

Chapter 9:

Sheen, Libby, Carl, and Miss Fowl gathered around Jimmy's desk and cautiously felt the air, as if expecting to find something unseen yet tangible in Jimmy's place. They quickly determined that Jimmy's seat was, in fact, empty. "Okay, I'm officially creeped out," said Sheen.

"I don't get it," said Libby. "Where did he go?"

"Maybe he went out the door," suggested Carl.

Miss Fowl shook her head. "We'd have heard the door open if he had," she said. "It's like he vanished into – bra-a-awk – thin air!"

Libby stubbornly refused to accept that explanation. "No way. That's impossible. There's no way he could have just disappeared."

Carl, trying to be helpful, pointed out, "He just did."

"Okay," said Sheen. "Let me make sure I've got this straight." He began ticking off his fingers. "There's a machine out there that's creating the monsters we're most afraid of. Jimmy is the only chance we have of shutting it down and getting rid of what's already here. And now Jimmy has vanished without a trace." He looked down at his hand. "I have one finger and a thumb left. Is there anything else?"

"We have no idea what happened to Cindy," reminded Libby.

"And we didn't make any money for the field trip so we have to come to class on Tuesday," Carl added.

"Right. It's official then," said Sheen. He sighed heavily before screaming shrilly, "This is the worst nightmare ever!"

Sheen's outburst had barely finished when there was a dull thud as the door to the room shook from a heavy blow. Everyone looked startled and then at each other. "Actually, I think that this is probably the worst nightmare ever," ventured Miss Fowl.

"I second that emotion," agreed Libby unhappily. "Where's Jimmy?"

As Miss Fowl and Jimmy's friends wondered where Jimmy had gone Cindy continued to toss in fitful sleep. The anguish she felt had ebbed but, despite Lou's promises, she was not yet free from its grip. "You said it would be gone," she told him. "Why isn't it working?"

Lou's easy smile did nothing to ease the pain. "Give it time," he assured her. "It will all be over soon."

"What will?"

Lou leaned closer and his voice was barely a whisper. "Everything. All your fears...and the source of those fears."

"I don't understand." The throbbing in her temples made thinking difficult. "What did you do?"

"Me?" Lou sounded surprised. "I had nothing to do with it. You did it all."

The answer still meant nothing to Cindy. "Did what?"

"Don't you know? Releasing your fear was the first step," replied Lou. "And Jimmy's phobifier will do the rest." He leaned back against the bench on which he and Cindy were sitting. "It's actually quite an interesting device. I wish I had one. It identifies your fears and makes them real."

"That's impossible," Cindy objected feebly. "How can a… machine…make fears real?"

Lou's voice became uncharacteristically thoughtful. "A good point. What is reality anyway? Philosophers have been arguing about it for centuries. Is it out there somewhere for us to experience and discover?" Lou made groping motions with one hand. "Or is it in here, where perception actually occurs?" He tapped the side of his head. "Or is it some amalgam of both, with each affecting the other?" He shrugged and then grinned. "If you'd like to know what reality is, I'd be happy to tell you…for a small price."

Cindy shook her head viciously and immediately regretted it when it felt to her as though a knife had slice through her head. "I just want to know what's happening."

Lou's voice once again assumed its pragmatic tone. "I told you. You've released your fear, and now the phobifier will remove the source."

Cindy spent what seemed ages to her processing the equation. Something didn't quite add up and she found herself coming back to the start. "You said that Jimmy's machine makes fears real," she said tentatively.

"That's right. Well, as humans understand reality."

"And Jimmy is what I'm afraid of? He's the source of it all?" she asked, studying Lou's face.

Lou shifted uncomfortably but said nothing.

"But…" The pain was increasing again. "Jimmy's already real." She clutched her head as she force the words out, trying desperately to maintain her chain of reasoning. "How can it create something that already exists?"

Lou's voice, which had been so reasonable and reassuring, suddenly sounded insistent and harsh. "It's too complicated for you to understand. You just have to trust me."

"No!" Cindy gasped out. She clenched her eyes tightly to shut out the pain and the voice that she no longer trusted. "If Jimmy is really what I'm afraid of, why isn't he here? How can it be over when Jimmy is real?"

Lou still tried to reason with her. "You're asking for answers you can't possibly understand."

"All I want…is…the truth…" she sobbed out.

"The truth? You want the truth?" Lou crouched down so that his lips were next to her ear. The hiss of his breath on her check made Cindy shudder. "The truth is that you can't handle the truth. You've spent your life running away from the truth. And now the truth is what is going to destroy everything that matters to you."

"I don't understand," Cindy whimpered unhappily. "What is the truth?" She curled up on the bench and buried her face in her arms. "Someone tell me. Please…tell me..."

The voice she heard was as unexpected as it was familiar. "Cindy?"

Surprised, Cindy looked up. "Neutron?" She looked about in bewilderment for Lou but saw only Jimmy who appeared as confused as she felt. "Is that you? What are you doing here?"

Jimmy looked mildly annoyed. "That's what I'd like to know. A few minutes ago I was in Miss Fowl's classroom and now I'm here – wherever that is."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Cindy demanded. "We're in Retroville."

"No, we aren't." Jimmy shook his head emphatically. "I don't know where we are, but it definitely isn't Retroville. I know Retroville."

Jimmy's smug attitude was as irritating as ever to Cindy. "So do I, Neutron."

"Really?" Jimmy pointed to the streetlight near the bench. "What about this streetlight?"

"What about it?"

"It should be halfway down this block. I know, because I've seen it before and I remember everything. That bench you're on shouldn't even be here. And did you notice the shadows?"

Cindy felt as though Jimmy were laying some elaborate trap for her. "What shadows?"

"Exactly," Jimmy answered. "There aren't any." He waited for Cindy to look about and realize that this was the case before going on. "This isn't Retroville. It's more like some memory of Retroville. All the major features are right, but all the little details are missing or wrong. Like the number of windows on the front of the school, and the names on the street signs. It's kind of like when the Brains tried to fool us into thinking we were in Retroville."

As much as she hated to admit it Cindy decided that Jimmy was making sense and was probably right. "So where are we?"

"Well, if I had to guess I'd say we're somewhere inside your mind." He looked around. "Interesting. Somehow I thought it would be a lot smaller than this and have a lot more baggage lying around."

Cindy ignored the insult. "Wait a minute. What makes you think we're inside my mind?"

"A few things. First, you didn't know that this wasn't Retroville so it makes sense that it matched what you remembered about it. That suggests that it's probably a creation of your mind. Second, I just got here. How long have you been here?"

"A while," Cindy admitted.

"I thought so. You asked me what I was doing here so it seemed logical that you were here before I was. Finally, I can't feel anything. It's like I'm numb all over. How about you?"

Cindy considered it and answered, "I have a bad headache and feel a little cold."

Jimmy nodded. "That clinches it. If you can feel pain and cold then you're the person connected to what's creating this place. I'd say that we're both inside your mind."

The idea of Jimmy being inside her mind and privy to her inner thoughts didn't sit well with Cindy. "So how do I get you out of here?"

Jimmy started pacing and Cindy knew from long experience that he was doing some deep thinking. "First we have to figure out how I got in here. But I'll bet that it had something to do with my phobifier."

"You mean that machine that makes fears real?" Cindy asked.

Jimmy stopped and stared at her. "How did you know that?"

Cindy shrugged. "Someone in here told me about it. He left just before you showed up, apparently." She glared at Jimmy. "Does that have anything to do with what's been happening to me?"

"I'm afraid so." Jimmy rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. "I've been thinking about it and apparently your irrational behavior –"

"I've never been irrational!" Cindy snapped, cutting Jimmy off.

Jimmy tried rewording the explanation. "Well, the reason you were so upset is because I think that the machine was on even before I meant to turn it on." Jimmy frowned. "It must have happened when Sheen was poking at it. That would explain what happened when I was installing it and testing it."

"But it's supposed to make people afraid, not angry," Cindy argued. "How do you explain that?"

"That's what was puzzling me for so long. Then I realized that people react to fear in different ways. Typically people exhibit a fear-flight response, when they run away from what frightens them. But another basic response is a fear-threat reaction. That's when fear causes the victim to become hostile towards the source that frightens them. What I don't get is why you were so angry at me. Or why I'm here now."

Cindy started to answer but thought better of it. "No idea."

"There must be some reason. Maybe you instinctively knew that the machine was responsible and you transferred your anger to me because I invented it."

"What difference does it make?" Cindy responded irritably. "Can we change the subject and figure out how to get you out of my head?"

"Hey, it's not my fault I'm here!" Jimmy objected. "Did you think I'd willingly pick this mind to be in?"

"Well, I was stuck in your mind for a while," Cindy shot back angrily. "That was no picnic for me either, so deal with it!"

"At least you had a choice!" Jimmy shouted in return. "I didn't!"

"I never had a choice!"
"And why not?"

"Because I didn't want to lose you!" Her words stunned Jimmy into silence and Cindy stared wildly at him, breathing heavily. After a few seconds she went on in a voice that, while calmer, was shaking with emotion. "Do you know what it's like to have one person be so much of your life and then to imagine your life without them? Who's saved your life and everything and everyone you've cared about time and again? Who's kept hope alive time after time when it should have died long ago?" She wiped her eyes. "Can you imagine a world without that person? How terrifying that is? Your machine was right, Neutron. I am afraid of you. But what I'm most afraid of is that someday you won't be there anymore. And that's why I'm afraid of you."

Jimmy had listened to all this with his mouth open. "I'm sorry," he said at last. "I wish I could tell you something to help."

For her part Cindy had been listening to an echo from the past even as she was finally facing her fear. In her mind she could almost hear Lou's icy voice again as it repeated her fears. Remember, you can't always be there to save everyone, she heard him say. No, she could hear Jimmy reply, but I can always be there to help my friends. His simple statement swept over her like a warm wind removing a winter's chill and the fear and pain in her mind melted beneath it. She looked back at Jimmy and her voice seemed to take on a new strength.

"I think you already have," she replied.

End of Chapter 9

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