Title: Don't

Author: Katarina Maru

Rating: G

Disclaimer: I am a broke college student who owes more money than she actually has….so JAG…the characters, the story, the name, the song "Don't" none of it is mine….Kelly Clarkson wrote the song…and a great song it is….

Summary/Explanation: Ok so this was a fic inspired by a song. Normally I hate song fics, but this is one I have been wanting to do for over a year, I just didn't have the right episode to use…and then came "Death At a Mosque"….this is a Harm/Mac piece…I am a shipper….it's Mac's POV on her way home from the hospital…I hope you enjoy…I wrote this on a whim…there was no beta reader….I know I know…but I couldn't wait! So please Read and Review!

Don't

Late at night on some random road in small town Blacksburg

Well it has happened. I have pushed him away one to many times. As a result, he is now pushing me away. 'Good Job Mackenzie' I say to myself, 'Way to break a broken man'. I shake my head, clear my thoughts, and turn on the radio. I hear the open notes of a song I have heard a few times before. It's one that I find comfort in only because it some how offers some semblance of an expiation of whatever this thing is between Harm and I.

You look at me like you always do
You don't have a clue
You smile at me
You hug me
But you don't know I want you
You play with me
You flirt with me
You tell me all your secrets
I'm always the one you run to
But to you I'm just your friend

I think back at Christmas Eve and realize that I didn't make myself clear to him. When I said I was sorry for pushing and I that I wanted to stop, I was telling him that I was wrong and that I would never ever use the word "never" again! Instead we somehow went back to the good ole days of Butch and Sundance. It is nice, but God I want more, no I need more. But it seems that ship has sailed and there are more important things…

Don't say I love you
Don't say you need me
Don't say I trust you
My heart can't take it
Don't say you want me
Don't say you miss me
Don't hurt me
Don't say you love me

Oh no no no no

Sometimes it hurts me to know that I was not able to get Harm to love unconditionally. That it took a child, someone he barely knew, to get him to open up and grow to the point that he could love without expecting any in return. But I don't think he realizes that I do want to love him back, I just need to be sure that he is sure he really loves me. As far as I am concerned, he is it, my end, my future, the one that fate has tied me to…

I tried my best to rid these thoughts
Of you and I, it's so hard
When you come to me I fall back on my knees
I've learned to hate love
You kiss me on the cheek
You say you'd never make it without me
It's getting harder everyday
Please don't say to me…

Clay, Mic, Hell even Dalton, they were all just physical manifestations of me trying to rid my heart and mind of thoughts of Harm and I together. We have been through so much, helped each other through so much, and, at least from my end, it has all been out of love. I didn't realize it at the time, but know I do understand that Paraguay was out of love. I didn't want to see it at the time, because I didn't want to face work, heck life, without him. And then when he came back, it only got harder, everyday…

I listen to the chorus again, and tears begin to slide down my cheeks. I don't know why I am aimlessly driving around. I should be headed in the direction of Georgetown, but for some reason I can't bring myself to go home. I can't leave him.

My heart can't take it
I love you so much
But you don't see me
I hate love

I know I have brought a lot of this…this…this stuff on to myself, but God, why can't I catch a break. One minute I think I am destine to be with Harm forever and the next I am cursing love and vowing that I will grow old and alone. I have pushed him to the point that he only sees me as good ole dependable Mac? Does he not see Sarah anymore? I wonder if he stopped seeing Sarah that night on the Admiral's porch. Because in all honesty I think that's when I lost her. And I don't know how to get her back….

I find myself driving in a familiar area, well as familiar as one can be with a town they have only been to once or twice. I continue to listen to the chorus and bridge of the song…

Don't say you need me
Don't say I trust you
Unless you mean it

I think Harm stopped trusting me when I said "never". But I thought I had gained that trust back after this past Christmas Eve. I guess I was wrong….so very wrong.

Don't say I love you
Don't say you need me
Don't say I trust you
My heart can't take it

Don't say you want me
Don't say you miss me
Don't hurt me

I always thought that being with Harm would be too much. That the whole experience would be to overwhelming and that my heard would give out because of too much love, but as the years passed I realized that not being with Harm was going to claim my heart. I can't take not being with him. I just can't take it. I need him and he needs me and he needs to understand that.

Don't say you love me

As the last notes of the song play, I find myself pulling up to the small hospital that I only left a few minutes ago. I park my car in the space that I made vacant and head for the front door. I don't even try to hide the evidence of my tears. I am over it. I may be a Marine, but I am a human, and I am a woman, and I just want to love and be loved. I get on the elevator and press the button for Mattie's floor. I am the only one in the lift, and for that I am glad. I hear the ding and see the doors open. I notice that Harm is half running and half walking as if to catch up to the elevator before the door opens. He stops in the middle of the hall and I step out. I walk up to him and notice he is about to say something.

"Mac I said…."

I cut him off by covering his mouth with my finger tips and say…

"Don't"