Forgiveness 4

Disclaimers: I don't claim any of these characters as my own. Please forgive any medical inaccuracies.

Spoilers: Cruz does not exist in this universe. Takes place after the start of season 4.

I can't do this. I can' t see him like this. I can't see him dying right in front of me. I know this. I know he's dying. I know Bosco. No matter what any doctor says. They don't know Bosco, and I can feel it in my gut; he's dying. They're killing him. This is not the way it's supposed to be.

My hands are shaking. I don't feel strong. I'm not…I can't…help anyone. He's not going to be ok. He's not ok. He wasn't ok earlier today. I should have helped him. I'm his partner. It's my job to look out for him, not Davis. God, I saw it, why didn't I do anything?

I stare down at his till form. His face is still but deathly white. The doctor and nurse move around the room as if in slow motion. Don't they see him? I reach out to touch him. His cheek feels ice cold and red-hot all at the same time. I feel my breath catch in my throat with fear because I can't help him. He's dying and no one else can see this. It's too late and this is my fault.

I clutch at my stomach and stumble out of the room.

I grab the first wastebasket I can find and heave into it. I can't hold anything back. It feels like it will never end. I drop to my knees and drape myself over the basket. It is the only thing holding me up.

The heaving ends but the pain is stronger now. My heart feels like it's about to break into a million pieces. It's my fault. I should have known something was wrong. I should have done something to help him, but I was too busy yelling at him. Oh God, what have I done?

I feel arms wrap around my shoulders, and a cool hand on my forehead. "It's not ok," I spit out. That's all I can feel in every fibre of my being and I need everyone to know.

"It's not ok…it's not ok," I repeat to anyone who will listen.

I hold on to her but I feel helpless. She needs more than what I can give. She slumps back into me and I lift her onto the chair against the wall. She keeps mumbling that it's not ok.

I wrap my arms around her and rock her gently. "I know, baby. I know." I try to quiet her. I feel her trembling so I tighten my grip on her. I've never seen her this upset. It scares me but all I can do is comfort her. "I know, Faith," I murmur to her gently.

If I keep saying it, she might believe it and for once, I actually mean it. I can feel how much this is killing her.

"Fred?" Faith's voice is small and fearful

"Yeah baby, it's me." She shifts to turn and look at me and her eyes are mired in confusion.

"What are you doing here?" She stammers. She says it without malice.

"I called the ER and they let me speak to Davis. He filled me in on what was going on and I thought you could use some company." I watch her carefully but she doesn't show any sign of gratefulness. " I left the kids with Mrs. Murphy," I say to ease any worries about the kids. But, I soon realize she wasn't thinking about them. I pull her back into my arms and rest my chin on her shoulder.

She hugs her stomach and shivers. I give her a squeeze and she turns to bury her face into my shoulder. She feels so fragile and vulnerable and I hold her even closer. I would anything to make this stop. I whisper gently in her ear that I'll do whatever it takes to make it better.

Darkness.

I feel the darkness all around me. It surrounds me so completely that I can't see a way out. I look around frantically.

Slowly light begins to filter in around the edges. I don't know where I am. Faces float in and out of my line of vision. They are distorted faces. Frightening faces. They taunt me with needles and drugs. They are junkies and they have come to haunt me.

I hear screams, Mikey's screams. I have to find him before the junkies do. I have to stop him from taking those drugs. I have to save him but I can't see him. His screams get louder and I fear for him. My heart feels like it's going to pound right out of my chest. The sound is deafening and it drowns out his screams.

Then, I hear Faith. She screams for me too. I turn towards her voice and call out. She's nowhere to be found. "Faith…Mikey…" I hear the desperation in my voice. I am lost and disorientated.

I start running. I have to find her. No, not Faith, this time I'm looking for Emily. The world is white and I can't see her. Snow is falling all around me, clouding my vision. My breaths come in short bursts as I search for her. Faith is counting on me to find Emily. Where could she be? I'm frantic. I can't let Faith down. I scream for her…Emillllyyyy.

Suddenly, the sound of a lone gunshot fills the air. I turn on my heels and watch Hobart fall. Blood flows out of the gaping wound in his head. My fear is replaced by anger. "He wasn't going to hurt me." I yell at the top of my lungs. The other officers stare at me in pity. I run up to Sully and I grab him. "Why did they shoot?" I ask in a rage. He just stares back stonily, unmoved by the scene before him. Sirens and flashing lights pound into my brain. The noise is piercing. I have to grab my head. Noooooooooo…

Ma is crying. "Please stop," I beg of her. Dad is yelling. He's hitting me. The smell of booze and blood overwhelms me. I'm going to be sick. He's hurting me. "Please stop," I whimper. But, he doesn't. I try to scream but the blood pooling in the back of my mouth makes it impossible for me to speak let alone scream. I taste the blood and it causes me to gag.

I feel like I'm drowning in blood. I'm gasping for air and when I look down, I see Ross lying on the ground. His vacant eyes stare back at me, his mouth is agape and covered in blood. I can't breathe. I can't breathe for him. I lean back in defeat. I have to look away. I have to look away from his accusing glare. I tilt my head back and suck in as much air as I can.

When my vision clears I find myself staring straight at the sun. It's so bright it burns my eyes. I blink away the blindness and slowly open my eyes again. The sky is a deep blue. It is beautiful but I only feel dread. I don't know where I am, but this is a terrible place, a frightening place.

I blink to snap myself out of this state. It's then that I realize I'm staring down at the city. The dread and fear intensify as I recognize that I'm on the roof, the roof of the north tower. I swallow hard because this can't be…this can't be happening…this can't be happening to me. It must be a dream or a flashback. It has to be. I keep saying it over and over until I see the plane heading right for the building.

I close my eyes and pray for mercy. This can' be happening…oh God, this can't be happening…and then I feel it.

The building sways and I freeze with terror. I stumble and fall to my knees and that's when I feel the rumble coursing through my body. At first it sounds very distant but I know it's coming for me. I look for a way out and that's when I see Faith. She is here too.

I scream for her but I am drowned out by a million voices. The colours blind me as I feel the world explode and …Faith is falling…falling over the side…Faaaaaaith… falling into the darkness…Faaaaaaaaith… I try to run to her…but the sky is coming down on me and I feel …the pain…oh God, I feel everyone's pain…Ross and Hobart, Rudy, Sullivan, Bobby, Davis, Faith, Ma, Shaquana, Mikey…and their faces swirl around me …their screams come crashing down on me drowning out my thoughts…God, the noise…help me…someone help me, help me, HELP ME …the world is spiralling out of control… makeitstopmakeitstop…I don't hear myself scream…I can't feel myself breathe…I can't feel myself as the darkness comes…and it comes to swallow me…as I fall into the abyss.

Davis sits with Faith in the lounge while Faith rests. I don't know how much more she can take. She's exhausted with worry. We promised her we wouldn't leave Bosco so we take turns sitting with him.

I understand why she is so shook up. I can't believe it's him lying in that bed. Tubes and wires are going in and out of him and he's so pale that if I shine a light on him, I'd see right through his skin. His lips are tinged with blue and his eyes look sunken into his skull.

The fever is not letting up and he sounds like he's on his last breaths. I watch to make sure he keeps breathing even though they have him on O2. The doctors and nurses are in and out giving him medication for the meningitis, but nothing they do seems to help.

He stirs as if he's dreaming. I'm hopeful this is good. He hasn't moved or awakened since I've been here. His eyes stay closed but they move rapidly underneath his eyelids. His breaths come faster and I think he's starting to hyperventilate. He twists around as if he's trying to get away from someone or something.

I get up and move next to the bed. "Bosco?" I call out to him but don't expect a response. He continues to struggle in his sleep. "Bosco…it's okay. "

His tries to open his eyes, but he's probably too doped up. He struggles to breathe as his eyes flutter open, and all I see is pure fear. I push the call button to get some help.

He tries to sit up but I hold him and push him back before he rips the i.v.'s out of his arm.

He gasps out one word, "Faith".

"She's fine, Bosco. Faith is okay." I reassure him. He's too agitated. I have to keep him calm. He tries to remove the mask so I hold down his hands. He turns towards me but he is still caught in his dream and I struggle to keep him still. "Bosco, she's okay. Faith is here, in the waiting room. She'll be back any minute. She'll be back to sit with you. You have to stay calm, Bosco. Come on, lie down." I push him back but he resists.

He pulls himself up and his mouth moves but no words come out, only the sharp intake of breaths can be heard and I see the absolute fear in his eyes.

"Bosco, what is it?" I ask.

"F-F-F-Faith," he manages to chatter, and his eyes roll back into his head as he starts to convulse.

TBC…