Forgiveness 5

Disclaimers: I don't claim any of these characters as my own. Please forgive any medical inaccuracies.

Spoilers: Cruz does not exist in this universe. Takes place after the start of season 4.

Faith shifts nervously in her chair. She waits for the doctor to emerge from Bosco's room to give us an update on his condition.

I notice the dark smudges under her eyes and the way she bites her lower lip. She claws at her hands and I notice she has torn the skin around her nails until her fingers start to bleed. Her eyes dart from one side to side, mirroring the turmoil in her mind. I grab her hands to quiet them and I feel the guilt that racks her. "Honey, don't do this to yourself." I implore of her.

She barely reacts to my words except for a flash of guilt in her eyes.

"Why don't we go home after the doctor comes out?" I ask.

Faith turns to me confused, not understanding. "What? I need to be here for him in case…if he wakes up and he needs me."

I watch her struggle with the words and then it dawns on me. She thinks I want her to choose between coming home with me and staying here with Bosco. She doesn't understand my motive; she just knows that she's always had to justify her decisions and actions when it came to Bosco. Why would she think that today was any different?

I want her to understand. I want her to know she doesn't need to choose. "I mean you need to take care of yourself. You need to stay strong, you need to rest too." I sputter guiltily. I look at her hoping she hears me and understands but she stares blankly into the distance and I feel her pushing away from me. "Honey, tell me what you need," I beg.

She doesn't turn to look at me but she looks down at her hands before responding. "I need him to be okay," she says plainly, without emotion. She still doesn't trust me. She doesn't trust my motives for my wanting her to come home.

I realize it will take more than words to win back her trust. "Faith, I'll do whatever you need me to do…tell me…"

She turns to me and looks into my eyes, not trusting my words but needing to believe. I've never felt more ashamed of myself than at this moment because she doesn't trust me when she needs me the most. "Honey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I plead.

I can see gaze softening as she pats my hand.

"Please, tell me what to do. I'm here for you. I'm with you no matter what," I whimper beseechingly.

All I want is her pain to end, and I'll do anything in my power to help her.

"Just stay with me." She says softly as she searches my eyes and finds the truth she needs.

I reach out and hold her hand in mine and somehow, I feel her forgiveness. I am overwhelmed and I wonder how I'll ever be able to make this up to her.

I'm alone. I look around for someone, anyone, but the silence is eerie. I call out, but the only reply is the echo of my call.

I feel small in this emptiness. I turn around completely, scanning 360 degrees. I don't see anyone. I don't hear a thing. It's too quiet. I realize there are no birds, no voices, not even the hum of electrical wires. Everything looks familiar here outside the house; the building is the same, the RMP's are parked by the curb, the firehouse is still there. But, it feels unfamiliar.

I feel hopeless and alone. I try to walk but the heaviness of the stillness causes me to stumble. I don't have the strength to get up. I have no strength to search. I have no strength for disappointment. Searching and not finding anyone is worse than lying here helpless. I close my eyes hoping something will change.

When I wake, I am still alone. I don't even bother to open my eyes. The silence surrounding me is painful. It reaches down into my depths and fills me with incredible longing. I feel like I've been alone for a thousand years. I don't remember anyone from my so-called life. Then images flash in my brain. At first, I can't make them out but they become clearer. I see Mikey and then I remember.

Oh my God. What have I done? The images come flooding back to me and the pain hits me like a ton of bricks. Mikey's dead. "Oh my God…Mikey," I cry. The pain is crushing me; sucking the breath out of me.

Mikey's dead. My brother is gone. My Mikey…why…why didn't I call him? Why? Why didn't I return his call? He left a message for me that day and I didn't call him back. I didn't want to listen to his sh*t because I didn't want to get to work in a bad mood. I was so stupid. I was so thoughtless. He needed me and I ignored his call. Now, he's dead.

I'm so selfish, that's why I'm alone. Oh God, a terrible realization hits me, no one's ever coming back for me. My dad was right all along; I don't deserve to be loved. That's why he couldn't love me. That's why no one can love me. That's why I'm alone, lying in a street, hopelessly waiting for no one.

I've been talking to him for the last hour, but he hasn't moved in a long time. He just lays there, motionless, lifeless. I want him to wake up more than anything else.

The doctor said the medication is starting to take effect. His fever finally came down about 2 hours ago. It was hell until then. They had him under a cooling blanket for a while, but when that didn't bring the fever down they had to resort to putting him a coldwater bath.

I didn't think he would survive. Hell, I didn't think I would survive watching him screaming bloody murder, shivering, and convulsing.

I'll never forget the look in his eyes when they put him in that icy water. He was barely coherent, but he looked like he had been struck by lightening when he touched the water. He screamed and struggled to get out but there were too many people holding him down.

I keep talking to him. "Bosco, you gave me quite a scare before. I thought you were going to jump right out of your skin when they put you in that water." I wipe his face with the washcloth. He doesn't mind it now.

"Bosco, I'm sorry." I push his hair back from his forehead as I check his fever. I have to tell him when he's awake, but I can't wait until then. "Bosco…please wake up." I take his hand in mine and give him a small squeeze. "Squeeze my hand if you can hear me."

Nothing. I know he needs his rest but I would feel so much better if he just woke up, even for a minute. So, I sit and wait.

Eventually, I see his eyes flicker open, but they don't seem able to focus. "Bosco, it's Faith. You're at Mercy. You're gonna be okay. Bosco, can you hear me?" He struggles to get his bearings. "It's okay. You're okay, Bosco. "

He turns his head slightly as if reacting to my voice. "Bosco, I'm right here. It's Faith. Can you hear me?"

He blinks rapidly to clear his vision.

"That's it Bosco, open your eyes. You're going to be okay. Just open your eyes for me." He turns his head and looks toward me but the medication clouds his awareness. I give him a few moments and in the meantime, I start to take in his appearance now that he's awake. He looks exhausted with the dark circles under his eyes. His arms and hands are covered in bruises from the needles and i.v's and he seems even paler now that the darkness in his eyes contrasts against his skin.

He tries to speak through cracked lips but his throat is too dry. I grab the water pitcher and pour a small amount in a glass. I insert a straw and hold it for him while he takes a sip. "This should help. Just take it easy for now, Bosco. We'll have lots of time to talk."

He blinks and slowly shakes his head slightly as if to motion no. His eyes cloud over and the sense of relief I felt only seconds ago suddenly dissipates. I can't quite read his expression.

"Bosco, I'm right here", I reassure him. "I'm not going anywhere." I check him for fever. He's still warm but his fever hasn't spiked up again. He notices the worry in my eyes and looks at me questioningly as I continue to run my hand through his hair.

Suddenly, he turns away from my touch.

"Bosco?" I move closer and place my hand on his shoulder.

His voice is strained but the message unmistakable. "Don't", he manages to whisper. The word roars in my ears as he shrugs my hand off his shoulder, and closes his eyes to shut the world and me out.

TBC…