Forgiveness 7

Disclaimers: I don't claim any of these characters as my own. Please forgive any medical inaccuracies.

Spoilers: Cruz does not exist in this universe. Takes place after the start of season 4.

Do you ever wish you were someone else?

There have always been moments, especially as a child, when I would sit and stare at the other kids in the park and imagine what it would be like to be them. I always looked for the kid whose mom or dad pushed them on the swing or ran to comfort them if they fell and scraped their knees.

In high school, when I played football, I always remember picking out a man in the crowd and pretending he was my dad. I imagined he had come to watch the game after a hard day at work just because he wanted to see me play. Silly as it sounds, I would rehearse what to say to him when we would meet after the game. Of course, the dream never materialised and I always made sure to leave the locker room last so no one would see me walking home alone.

Even now, years after I should have outgrown this fantasy world, I could be sitting in the RMP and some passer-by would catch my eye and I would start daydreaming all over again. I always chose the happy looking ones.

Well, I don't want to be me anymore. I just want to escape my world and my problems. I'm wishing I was someone else, heck anyone else right about now.

I'm watching the nurse as she changes my i.v. bag. I gaze up at her as she works.

She seems nice, a motherly kind of nice. I wonder what her life is like. Does she have a family? Does she worry about paying the bills? Does she have a good marriage? Did she ever kill anyone?

She looks down at me benevolently. I turn away ashamed. If she knew what I had done she wouldn't look at me that way.

Faith is in the room too. I have no idea what she's saying to me. I've decided the only way to get rid of her is to tune her out completely.

I thought it would be hard, but it isn't because I keep replaying Mikey's phone message over and over again. It plays incessantly in my brain and I can't make it stop and maybe I don't ever want it to stop. It feels like it is the last connection I have to him and I don't ever want to let him go.

But, I know replaying his message over and over will eventually drive me crazy.

I try to think of every possible action on my part that could have changed the outcome of that day. But what good will that do me now. All the what-ifs in the world won't bring back Mikey.

I close my eyes. I've never felt more tired in my entire life. I don't think I could get up from the bed if my life depended on it. I just want to sleep, and never wake up.

"Bosco, you have to eat something. How about some soup." He doesn't even acknowledge my existence. I look at up the nurse embarrassed.

"Mr. Boscorelli, your friend is right," she interjects. "You need to build up your strength. Why don't you try eating?"

The nurse looks at him intently but he ignores her too. She turns back to me and says, "why don't I leave the tray here a little while longer." She jots something in his chart before leaving the room.

I pull my chair closer to the bed. "Bosco, I know you can hear me."

He continues to ignore me but I feel a desperate need to get through to him. I straighten out the covers and lightly brush his arm intentionally. He flinches at my touch and I stare down at him feeling completely alienated.

I don't know what to do. He lies in that bed and refuses to talk or eat. I'm watching him disappear before my very eyes and I feel the fear down to the depths of my soul.

I need to do something and I need to do it now. I can't wait on doctors or psychologists to handle this. I need to get through to him myself. I know Bosco better than anyone else except of course, his mother.

I haven't been able to find out where she's staying, so I'm on my own for now. I'm not sure what to do, all I know is I have to do something.

TBC…