Bellatrix Lestrange's

Summary: "All I ever wanted was him, but it's funny how things turn out when it's put into fate's perspective" A view on Bellatrix Lestrange's life according to her. SBxBL, with some RLxOC R+R

Rated K, but it will go up in later chapters

A/N: If I made a mistake somewhere in here with the type of characters or Death-Eaters, please just leave it be. I probably didn't mean to, and it just fit the story better.

If I Could Do It All Over...
Chapter 1: Silly School-Girl Crush

I looked over towards him as he made his way down to the Great Hall. He always would catch my eyes, never really bothering to know himself that he does. Not that he would look up at me. Come on, I'm one of his enemies! Or that's what I want him to think.

For some reason I remember my exact pose at that moment, it must have been when it all really started. I was sitting in my normal seat at my Slytherin House table, my legs were crossed and my head was leaning against my right arm, as my eyes followed him and his friends down to his own table.

"Belle?" Calyin snapped her fingers, as thought she expected me to respond. Sadly I'm no genie (if I was I would have already granted myself three wishes), so it took her until she slammed a book in front of me to be able to hear what was happening.

I jumped, "What?"

"You're really funny when you do that." She laughed. It must have been some amusement to see me go six inches off my seat.

"What do you want?" I repeated, mildly angry that she didn't seem to realize she was disrupting my view of Sirius.

Calyin rolled her eyes, "Girl you got it bad."

I smiled. Calyin knew everything about me more then I did. She could tell me my life story including the details I forgot to mention to her. She must be a seer. But I guess that's the reason why we were such good friends. Best friends actually.

I was a first year then. What did you want from me? To act mature and pretend that I didn't like him? No, I could never keep my mouth shut as a child, although I did only tell Calyin. My dairy was bursting with silly little poems, and how I dreamed of Sirius and mine's first kiss.

"I don't see" She continued, "why you would want a Gryffindor, they are full of bloody idiots, after all! But if you had to, could you have at least go for Potter?"

She was talking about the Marauders. Yes, I'll say that James Potter was an 11 year old hottie, so was Remus Lupin (fifthly half-blood), even if you squint your eyes Peter Pettigrew looked rather worthy.

"Come on, Caity. Don't speck so loudly!" It was earlier for most people. A lot weren't up from there heavy slumber yet to start a Monday morning. We did have most of the table to ourselves, but you can never be to safe with a Slytherin. Everyone must know everyone's business that's just how it was.

"No one is here. Stop worrying so much."

Just like Calyin, she doesn't care. Her dream was to perform, she wanted to be in a band. For a child of the 60's she could play a mean electric guitar, and her voice, whenever she sang, reminded me of glitter, something so pretty yet hard to keep in one place. She wanted her life to be published, I didn't. I was rather quiet for a Slytherin. I lacked the cunning charm that was needed, so I wasn't very popular, she was.

I looked nervous, "But what if someone should over hear-"

"Who's going to over hear?"

"Him? Possibly?"

"He's too busy trying to study for the Dark Arts test that we have today,"

Sighing and placing my arm back onto the table and rested my head on my hand, "That is so like him."

Calyin made a gagging noise, "What ever you say," she looked at her wristwatch, "Darn it! I left my book in the dorm, wanna come back with me and get it?"

"No, it's okay. I'll meet up with you in class."

She shook her head, "You're living on a cloud. You better suck it in though. You don't want the others to know."

"Yea, yea. See ya in a minute." I shooed her away.

I thought I could hear the muffled sound of her saying in a teasing tone, "Pathetic" but I didn't care. Why should I? I was eleven years old, and only a few weeks into Hogwarts. The worse I could do was put a lavation charm on her, and I haven't even mastered that yet.

I opened my book-bag and quickly looked for my leather-copied diary. I filled threw the pages trying to find a blank one, and succeeding. I headed the page:

Nov 18th 1971
Same as the rest of the other boys; long black robe, geeky vest. Hair looks messy and uncombed, but very good. Currently eating, apple (green). With his three best friends. I'm sure that they are talking about the Potions' test today, but not entirely sure. He's looking rather troubled.

Yes, I would consider myself a stalker, but then it seemed like a normal thing to do. Other Slytherins were coming. I shoved the book back into the bag, and put on my happy face.

The Slytherin table was starting to get full, and the bell would sound off in ten minutes or so for my first class, the famous (even back then) Slytherin/Gryffindor potions. I quickly placed my journal back into my bag before any of my other so-called friends could see me. I snuck off into the corridor, and ran down to the dungeon.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

The Potions Mistress back then was a nice sweet old lady, Ms. Kettle. Her students must have driven her mad. She was a happy plump person, and rather gullible. That's why so many students would snicker at her. It made me feel so upset to see her come in humming under her breath, only to then have to deal with the worse. The only thing I could do was sit in the back with Caylin and try as hard as I could to be good. It's not like I was Severus Snape or Lucius Malfoy. Those two were each other's only friends, and were rather the troublemakers. I hated them almost as much as I envied them. They held everything about Slytherin that I didn't have. Even if Snape had a greasy nose, he did have a crafty cunningness.

But I also loved the class since I sat right behind Sirius and James, like it could get any better.

Twenty minutes until the bell rang, I was late for being early.

Ms. Kettle was carrying a stakes of books, that seemed to weigh more then she did, as she worked her way off her desk. She stumbled as I ran over to her to help.

"Be careful!" I told her, grabbing some books.

She beamed (how could any one be so pleasant and still hang around a dark dungeon?), "Thank you dear. I seem to be getting to old for this job,"

I gave a small laugh, "Don't say that, I need you for another six years,"

She fixed her small spectacles that we slipping off her face, "Can you put one book on every set deary?" she asked me.

Nodding, I reached and started to walk up and down the rows of desks, making sure Sirius got the best book, and was lost in thought. I was a teacher's pet, and well aware. It didn't really matter. I had so many masks sometime I couldn't help but wonder which one was real. I was a rather completed eleven-year-old. The one face I would wear for the teachers. The one for when I was with my friends, brave and sly. Faking all of my moves, and not really thinking for myself, but for the group. Then there was the mask I wore when I was alone. You would think that was anyone's real face, but I was so sure that it wasn't for me. It was too real to be me.

To my own reality I was a little girl, who came from a spotless pureblood background, wallowing in a crush, and a dreamer amongst the stars. That's what I was. If I was alone I could easily keep myself entertained. I was the princess, or the warrior, the girl- woman who you were never sure which side she was on until the very end. There was always a love interest in my make-believe (no doubt in my mind). I had to fight for what I thought was right, never telling anybody until they thought it was over, but come on, you had to have a guy somewhere in it, just to even it out. As hard as I try I could never write these stories down. I had let dozens of novels escape from my head and could never put them on parchment. They seemed too different there, as thought it was never really mine anymore.

I had just finished passing out the books as students slowly started to arrive. Fate was out to get me, Sirius was first in, with no one else surrounding him.

All I ever wanted was him, but it's funny how things turn out when it's put into fate's perspective. Just as fate would have wanted it, the second I saw him I tripped over my shoelace, and fell onto the floor.

He came running over, "Bellatrix, are you alright?"

I must have had a stupid expression on my face. The one that reads 'So you do remember my name?' It had been something that had crossed my mind, even though our parents forced us to see each other a lot during the summer how would I know that he bothered to recall ever knowing me?

I snapped out of my trance and spoke in a snotty tone, "I don't need your help getting up. I have been rather capable of doing things for myself, and rather well, thank you!"

He shot me the 'Well sorry I tried to be nice' face, "What ever. I must have not been thinking. You know you don't have to be so sour,"

"Me? Sour? I know when I'm capable of standing up!"

He stuttered. I had to keep talking.

"Not so brave with out your friends behind you isn't it? Can't even think of a simple respond to your cousin. No wonder you and that Potty-head were placed in Gryffindor, Hufflepuff would have been to smart for you lot!"

I could see the anger in his eyes, "Don't you dare disrespect me or my friends!" he voice rose only slightly. Ms. Kettle didn't seem to notice, as she was getting the ingredients for today's lesson out of the cupboard.

"I shall do as I please."

He snorted, "Under what authority?"

I shot him a smile, "My parents of course. They seem to have hope for me, unlike yours. My mum says that they were very disappointed when you got placed in Gyffin-dork."

His fists shaking, "Incase you never noticed I'm not proud of my family-"

The bell sounded, and Ms. Kettle came out of the back room and I ran to my set, next to Calyin. I didn't even notice that the classroom had been filling as Sirius and I had our agreement.

She nudged me in the ribs and whispered, "What was that about?"

"Oh nothing."

"Didn't sound like nothing."

"Believe me, it was if you over look that it was the first time he spoke to me since the Hogwarts Express."

"So it was something!"

"You could call it that." I turned my attention to the back so Sirius's head. I pulled out a spare piece of parchment, silently asked for his forgiveness and spent the entire class writing his name in hearts.