It is I, Jjah-Jjah! And I have no idea why I'm writing this. I don't even watch this anime anymore... Oh well. I'll just put it down as practice. This'll be my first gung-ho romance. So... That's it. Disclaimer!

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon. I do own a nameless stuffed anteater. Go fig.

Hope you enjoy the story! From the laptop of an insomniac, here's the first installment of...

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Equine Divine

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I'm in love with a frikken horse...

You've got to admit it seems pretty lame, especially when you consider the differences in species, weight ratios and other important physical differences like that. However, that's certainly not the end of it! No sir! Of course not! You see, this isn't just any normal, run of the mill, eating grass, and nibbling fences horse that I'm in love with...

He's actually a Pegasus. You know, one of those snowy white imaginary creatures with wings, and, in his case, a golden horn sticking out of the top of his head. He can also turn into a human! Well, mostly... He keeps the horn... It's kind of cute...

Gah! Unhappy thoughts!

Ok. Let's not think about that anymore...

Yeah right. That's impossible. I'm obsessed. Now I know how my mother used to feel back when she drooled whenever Mamoru even casually entered a conversation. Of course, I don't drool... Yeah. But Lord! When ever I think about him, whenever I remember what he was like, even so long ago, I can't help myself! My face turns red, my breathing quickens, and I feel like I'm in a world of ultimate bliss. I am in a world of ultimate bliss... But it's not real...

I sighed. Life sucked at times. Still sighing like some horribly depressed angsty teenager (which I am), I wrenched myself out of bed and stumbled drunkenly onto my balcony. It was a nice balcony. It was covered a blue climbing flower that I didn't know the name of and it overlooked Crystal Tokyo. There was a fog coming up. When the sun finally rose, you wouldn't be able to see you hand in front of your face. With just how much accuracy I was able to predict this told you something about me... I hadn't slept through a whole night for roughly two years now. Insomnia was a disorder that resulted in two things: exhaustion and complete and utter boredom.

Yet the long tracts of time I remained wakeful also served as a time of amazing discovery. I had never before realized just how entertaining counting ceiling tiles could be! And there's also the whole counting all the individual hairs on your head thing, but I won't go into that.

I sat down on the railing of the balcony. It was made of stone and the night chill made it cold; it soaked through me. The city below shimmered through the developing fog. It was beautiful, but it was empty, at least to me. Someone once said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I wouldn't mind introducing that someone to Sailor ChibiMoon and allowing said warrior to beat them down into a quivering pulp.

I always spent time like this wondering about myself. It seems selfish, I know, but there's something to be said about the way a person views themselves, and something else besides if what they have to say is never positive. I like to think back sometimes and remember what I was like back then. I smiled, I was cute, there was laughter in me that I don't think is there anymore. My pigtails were puffy. I smiled at that thought. They aren't anymore. They're still pink and in the same style, but they're longer now. My name is Small Lady, but I'm not small any longer. I'll admit, I'm still pretty short, but I'm certainly bigger than I used to be.

I used to be Chibi Usa. That was the girl that fell in love with Pegasus; the girl who received her first kiss from Helios. But I'm not her anymore, am I? Chibi Usa was a child; a wonderful, pure-hearted, dreaming loving, bighearted child. I am not a child anymore. I'm sixteen years old. I'll be seventeen next month. My mind, my heart, is not of that child anymore. I'm not the same.

And that scares me.

I'm not the same person that Helios cared about. Cared about, ha... He never said that he loved me. I've spent a good portion of my life mooning over someone who most probably doesn't even feel remotely the same way. (Yet another thing to add to the list of depressing things in my life.) Heck, even that one time he did kiss me it was just to save my life... Even if it was one hell of a kiss...

Oh crap! There I go again!

I've got to stop this! It can't go on! I can breathe, I can't move, I can't dream without thinking of him! I was a kid damn it! A kid! There is no possible way that he could have been in love with a kid! I nodded in agreement with myself with such force that I teetered on my perch and nearly fell to the courtyard far below and went splat. I could see the headlines now, "INSOMNIAC PRINCESS OF EARTH FALLS TO HER DEATH WHILE FANTASIZING ABOUT MAGICAL HORSE." Oh yes. That would be a popular issue. Quite wisely I got off the railing. It certainly wasn't the safest place to be with where my thoughts were going.

"My brain hurts." I said out loud. The sound seemed to ring and in spite of myself I froze, waiting for the last resonance of it to spend itself and silence to take over again.

I decided something then. My thoughts were becoming too morbid for my liking, so I would do something that I only did on what I considered "special occasions". With this in mind, I ran back into the confines of my room. Despite the darkness I didn't run into anything. I knew the way by heart. With long practiced silence I opened up my wardrobe and pulled out the closest dress. Incidentally, it was my favorite: a garment that mimicked my mother's old princess dress only pink instead of white. I'm a glutton for pink, I don't know why. Perhaps it just makes me feel feminine, like a lady. Or maybe it's just because my hair matches... Oh well. I pulled off my nightshirt and put on the dress. I had had my hair up in a bun so that it wouldn't tangle when I tossed and turned for the majority of the night. Now I took it down. It brushed my bare shoulders like a curtain and then fell to brush against the pale marble floor. I rushed over to my vanity mirror and hurriedly fixed it up into my regular style. I really had no reason to get dressed, but I accepted the fact that the hour or two of dozing earlier was all the sleep I was going to get tonight. I might as well get dressed for breakfast.

Finally, I finished. I opened the door and stepped out, shutting it softly behind me. The floor of the hall was smooth and cold beneath my bare feet. I took a few steps into the center of the passageway, looked right, looked left, and then held my breath and listened. Sweet complete silence; everyone was asleep. I grinned like a crazy weirdo, picked up my skirts, and ran.

There was no direction in particular to my mad dashes. There never was. I had begun first doing this when I was small reveling in the feeling of freedom I got sneaking out after my bedtime. The palace, my home, was a completely different place late at night. The halls were dark and eerie, silence was a living thing, ordinary objects seemed transformed, and moonlight streaming in through the windows cast dancing shadows that shone like opal in the oddest of places. The place that I lived in, that I knew by heart was transformed into a completely different world. I had never been caught during one of these trips, but I would not be surprised if someone knew of them. However if they did they had never said anything and for that I was grateful. The secrecy was an essential part of the fun, and I knew that if anyone ever told me they knew about it that I would never do it again.

There was an obvious exception, of course, Helios. When I was younger I used to pretend that Helios was running beside me, but then I would come back to myself and there would be the reality that he was not there... Imagination was such an overrated thing.

I had arrived at my destination. It was a small ground level balcony at the side of the palace that overlooked my father's rose garden. There were two chairs pulled up close the railing, probably by my parents, so I sat in one. Any sane person would be busy dreaming right about now, but I had given up on any hopes of sanity long ago. There wasn't any point. Even in my dreams my dreams never came true. You'd at least think that good for nothing winged donkey would take some time off his busy schedule to visit at least once... A visit? Heck, a smoke signal, sky writings, jungle drums! I wouldn't even mind a singing telegram, but noooo... Here I am becoming bitter. I didn't used to be bitter! It just proves how much I've changed, or more specifically just how much I've grown up. Funny how growing up and being a lady used to be my most beautiful dream, but now I'm afraid. I know that he cared just a little bit for the child. Now my dream fulfilled doesn't mean a thing! My dream may have come true now, but it means nothing if he doesn't care anymore!

My dream used to be to become a lady, like my beautiful mother. I remember that as we get older when out dreams come true we get newer, better ones. My newer, better dream is a no-brainer. I want to see Helios again. I want to be with him, I want to get to know him, I want to be able to love him... and I want him to love me too... But Lord knows it's just a dream.

And probably not beautiful enough of a one to attract his attention...

Letting out a depressed groan I slumped down in the chair... Whatever happened to the chipper ever happy me? (Shloop) Down the drain. What was that? Your life. That's it? Do I get another one? Sorry, kid. No can do... And now I'm talking to myself... Great.

I mean, what's so great about him anyway? He's only sweet, and kind, and absolutely gorgeous, and perfect, and he can fly, and this isn't helping. He's probably galloping about with the fairies in Elysion and hasn't thought about me once. Where was Elysion again? Oh yes, the center of the earth. Well, if this obsession gets too bad I can always grab a shovel and start digging. I can see myself now: covered in dirt and wearing a construction hat while manning a backhoe in the middle of the rose garden, family and friends looking on bewildered as I scream obscenities into the hole. I wouldn't put it past myself.

"And just what would you do once you got there?" I muttered to myself. What indeed. Heh. I could just poke a hole in the wall of the dream world, pop through, seek him out, and latch on. "Hidey ho, my love!" I would say. "Remember me? I'm that sweet kid whose dreams you used to live in! I'm not exactly sweet anymore, and I'm not a kid, but here I am! Let's go explore your lovely home!" I would nearly squeeze him to death with a clumsy bear hug and then I would lug him off somewhere and force him to turn into Pegasus and give me a ride. He would do so out of politeness, and I would be ecstatic thinking he was doing it because he loved me. He would probably throw his back out. I could see in my mind the image of panting, half-dead Pegasus lugging a black and white giggling cow with pink odangos on his back.

I narrowed my eyes I annoyance at myself. I spent waaay too much time being depressing. I need a hobby. What was the point of being so depressed over it? I couldn't let this ruin my life. Surely there were other people out there...

But then why did it seem like such a travesty to me that I could barely remember his face?

And why did I feel like I would trade anything to just so much as hear his voice?

I stared down at my hands in the darkness. Was this really love? If it was, why did it hurt so much?! It's as if a part of me is dying... This can't be right. It can't be...

A drop of clear liquid fell onto my open palm. I started and blinked in surprise. Several more drops fell down. I was crying. At first I felt even more depressed. Then I realized it was quite possibly the most constructive thing to do for the rest of the night.

So I did.

I cried until I couldn't anymore and that was when I realized that the sun was coming up... I was in serious shit. I had waited too long. The palace started to stir at dawn. If ever there was a time to get caught, this was it. I squeaked out my distress and like an epileptic rodent, leapt out of the chair and scurried madly back to my room wheezing as I went. The light shining through the drapes was a pale orange when I finally made it back. I was surprised I hadn't run into anyone, Sailor Mars especially considering she was always up around sunrise... For meditation, or something like that. However, I'd like to think that I was moving so fast that no mortal could have detected my presence... Yeah... I flung open the door, quietly of course, and rocketed into my room. I shut the door and then leaned back against it, sliding to the floor. Slowly I caught my breath. It was pure luck that I hadn't run into anyone. The adrenaline was still rushing through my veins, leaving an ache behind as it dissipated. Once my pulse returned to normal, I suddenly realized that I was actually tired. In fact, I felt like sleeping. It was something of a rare occurrence.

I felt like I was a hundred years old as I pulled myself up and staggered over to my bed. I couldn't even manage to put my head on the pillows. I simply fell back onto the white satin sheets, lopsidedly across the bed and closed my eyes. They burned briefly because I'd been awake for so long. There were no melancholy thoughts to keep me up; I had wept them all out. So I fell asleep only a few moments after I closed my eyes.

I dreamed of feathers...

It was such a strange dream. There was no background to it, no sound, no other object, no other living thing. I wasn't even in it. All there was were white feathers falling from heaven like snow...

One of the most annoying things to wake up to is the sound of someone pounding on your door like a psychopathic gorilla.

"Princess! Wake up! You're late for breakfast!"

I opened my eyes slowly and glared at the door. Ok, so it wasn't a gorilla, it was Sailor Jupiter... Not that I think she's like a gorilla or anything! It's just that when I first wake up, everyone and everything seems to take on a twisted and malevolent light... When I didn't answer, she continued to pound on the door.

"Come on! If you don't come out, I'll have to break down the door."

And she would! I had lost a lot of doors that way... Oh well, I was too groggy to care. I was pretty much conscious, in the figurative sense of the word. As Jupiter continued to threaten, I swept my gaze around the room and made a list of its contents in my head... What can I say? Yet another fun activity brought to you by the courtesy of insomnia.

'Chair, window, curtain.' I thought. 'Dresser, vase of flowers, vanity, Stallion Reve, balcony, window, curtain, wardrobe, dinky shelf.......'

My eyes snapped open and I sat up as abruptly as if I'd been attached to a string. I stared at what was sitting, as if it had always been there, on my vanity table and decided that I was hallucinating.

But just to be sure, I flung myself off the bed and landed on the floor with a thud. I scrambled over and without hesitation grabbed the familiar object. My hands didn't pass through. The Stallion Reve was cool and real beneath my fingertips. My heart stopped and then started. I felt giddy! I could hardly breathe!

"Alright! I'm counting to five! One, two, three, four..."

"Ack! Wait a minute Jupiter!" I yelled, panicked. I had to hide it! No one else could see! I ran about the room crazily for a minute or two. I was taking too much time! "Give me a minute! I'm naked!" I screeched in explanation... You try coming up with something on such short notice... Anyway. Finally, I yanked the door of the wardrobe open and placed the precious object on the floor. I ripped a few dresses off the hangars and covered it up as best I could. Hopefully no maids would come to clean my room today... I shut the wardrobe door and leapt over to the mirror o survey my appearance. Apparently I had not tossed or turned while I slept, for I was still in acceptable condition. I brushed a few wrinkles out of my dress with my hands and primed my hair slightly. Then I hurried to open the door.

Sailor Jupiter was leaning against the doorframe. She smiled. "Didn't sleep well last night?"

I nodded. "Same as always."

"You know, maybe you should try taking sleeping pills or something."

I shrugged. As we walked to the dining room I cast a lingering glance back over my shoulder. I could hardly wait for the meal to be over. I had to get back to my room and look again at what lay in my wardrobe. It seemed impossible. I had to be seeing things, but...

What did it mean?

Why now?

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Thank you for reading! Hope you like it! Stay tuned for Elysion. And please, please, R&R!

Tata, JJ