Title: Metaphysics
Author: Perseid 85
Email: Amor Fati
Rating: PG-13
Classifications: MSR
Archive: With author's permission
Author's notes: It's a song fic, well actually a poem fic. Alternates between Scully and Mulder's POV (starting with Scully).
Summary: Ruminations after the incidents in Amor Fati.
Legal garbage: Mulder and Scully aren't mine, and they never will be. Kudos to Pessoa for the poem.
"I don't believe in God, because I never saw him.
If he wanted me to believe in him
He would certainly come and talk with me,
Would come in through my doorway
Saying to me, Here I am!"
I don't believe in anything anymore.
After seeing Mulder crucified, the perpetual Jesus figure. He's even come back from the dead once, at least to me. And, now, this time, crucified next to the cigarette smoking bastard, all the while they are mumbling about him being the savior of the world. I wonder if he thinks he's Jesus now. If he still knows he's just Mulder. A man with a crazy crusade, and I following him. More foolish for being the fool who follows, but I can't give him up. I can't give him up because maybe I don't believe in anything anymore, but I do believe in crazy, spooky, Jesus Mulder.
These days. These days, I think faith is linked to love.
"His father was two people -
An old man named Joseph, who was a carpenter,
And wasn't his father;
And the other father a stupid dove,
The only ugly dove in the world
Because it wasn't from the world and wasn't a dove.
And his mother hadn't loved anyone before having him.
She wasn't a woman: she was a suitcase"
He was her lover. The smoking man and Mom. My mom making love to him, making me. So the smoking man would have me believe anyway.
I feel like I am being pushed and pulled all around. I have no idea what the truth is anymore. I have nobody that I can trust. Except for Scully. Scully is always an exception to the rule. Fiery. She came into my life with the subtlety of a rocket exploding upward into heaven. And she's the only one that isn't a lie.
She's the one I trust. We use the word trust the way other people use the word love. Our "I trust you"s are our "I love you"s.
I have never wanted someone so much in my entire life. I want to take her, to hold her and protect her. I'll take her to a safe place, a place without cancer and viruses, a place without aliens. I'll take her there and make love to her like we have all the time in the world. As if this world will never end.
"The mystery of things? Who knows what mystery means!
The only mystery is that there are people who think about mystery."
I saw the ship. It stuck out of the azure waters of the Ivory Coast, bluntly forcing me to believe. There is no God; there are only the aliens. The faith of my youth is thrown back at me with a vengeance.
There was no time to think about it. I might have come across the most tremendous find in human history, and all I could think about was Mulder dying in that hospital bed.
I used to want my life to be about the pursuit of science. I wanted to be famous and successful. Those were my girlhood dreams. I was a fool. All anyone wants from life is to be loved.