John was tired of their questions. He was in the briefing room, sat as far away from Elizabeth, Carson, Aiden, Teyla, Kate, and Bates as he could get and still be in the same room. The group pelted him with question after question about what had happened. John wanted, now that he actually had the option, to be heavily drugged and preferably unconscious. He wanted to lie in a soft, warm bed and think of absolutely nothing. He wanted to not have to answer questions that he really didn't give a flying fuck about.

Sighing, John fidgited in his seat, a grimace of pain washed over his expression as various wounds reminded him of their presence. Elizabeth stopped in mid-question to look at him curiously, and blinked at the scowl she received. John licked his lips and stared at his hands, clenching them into fists. He opened his mouth to speak but found that the words died on his lips. John's eyes burned with unexpected tears and he blinked them back, refusing to show such weakness.

"Look you all want some answers fine. The basic gist of it is I was kidnapped by a sadistic fuck named Forza..." John began, his voice hoarse with repressed emotion. He refused to look at anyone, staring at his hands as if they were all that existed in the world. It was easier to speak that way, easier to explain the gruesome details if he pretended he was speaking to himself.

"He was randomly kidnapping people from various planets and making them fight each other for the enjoyment of other sadistic fucks just like him. He made quite a bit of money that way, and I was his best fighter. I… killed, other people, to save my own skin, and I… I didn't care. If it meant I lived, I'd kill anyone. Until they brought Rodney in. I couldn't… couldn't fight, I wouldn't fight and neither would he. So the guards took us and… and they tortured us. I was first, and it was brutal. It hurt so fucking much, but I never gave in, never asked for it to stop. But then… then they moved to Rodney. He was strong, he lasted a lot longer than most people would, but… after a while… he couldn't… he couldn't take it anymore and gave in, agreed to fight, I had no choice after that. We were put back in the Pit and…and we fought. Rodney put up one helluva fight, I'll admit it was the hardest fight I fought the whole time I was in there. It was close, but I'd had more practise, I'd worked harder on my skills, had the experience and in the end…I...I...I won. I killed him...I fucking killed him."

John finally looked up, letting his eyes sweep over everyone's face, and he wondered how they were going to react, where their emotions would lead them.

"You killed him?" Sgt. Bates broke the silence, his voice seeming impossibly loud after the tense silence. "With all due respect sir, Dr. McKay was your friend! How could you just fucking kill him?"

Bates had more to say John could tell, but he was in no mood to listen to the Sgt. rant and rave. There was no point, John knew what Bates was going to say and had no interest in actually hearing it, so John cut him off.

"What was I supposed to do let him kill me?" John asked his voice icy and sharp.

"You should know as well as I do that he never would have done it, sir! He was a civilan for Christ's sakes he would never have consiously hurt anyone!"

John took a deep breath and refused to lose his temper, working hard at keeping his voice quiet and controlled. "You have no idea what Rodney was capable of, Sgt." John placed heavy emphasis on Bates' rank. "He wasn't Mr. Perfect and Innocent, like he wanted everyone to think, at least not once Forza and his people got their hands on him. He was trying to kill me just like I was trying to kil him. I just got lucky and killed him first."

"And who gave you that fucking right, Major? You never should have even fought in the first place! You should have waited, should have stalled them, until we found you! We were looking for you, we've been searching ever since you first disappeared, we would have found you! You didn't have to fucking kill him!"

Before he quite knew what he was doing, John was standing up, pulling his torn shirt off and throwing it on to the floor so that he could pull at the few bandages Carson had put over his wounds in the jumper. John was vaguely aware that Bates had stopped talking and was just staring at him - as were the others - but that wasn't important, nothing was important apart from the seething storm of fury within him.

"Why don't you all take a good fucking look!" John hissed speaking to everyone in the room, but never taking his glaring eyes off of Bates, as he held his arms out to display his half-naked body. "This is what I fucking suffered for him! I could have stopped it at any fucking time but I didn't because Rodney was my friend and I didn't want to have to kill him! Don't you dare try to lecture me on what I should have done because I did everything I fucking could. It was Rodney's choice, his fucking choice to go back into the Pit! I had the shit beat out of me because I refused to kill my best friend and what happens I end up doing it any way because that fucking son of a bitch gave in and agreed to fight so that the guards would stop beating on him! You have no idea what the fuck it was like in there Sgt. you would have done the same thing had it been you in that fucking shit hole, so shut the fuck up before I do something that I might not regret tomorrow."

John stormed out of the briefing room, ignoring the others. He didn't have a destination in mind, he was too focused on forcing the anger back, on controlling his breathing and trying to think calm, rational thoughts.

He wasn't really surprised when he ended up in Rodney's quarters, it was just the sort of thing his morbidly fucked up brain would do. John sat down on the bed, clutching the covers in his fists, and wished that he could replay the last five minutes, wished that he could go back and play that scene again. He shouldn't have blown up at Bates like that, though it had served to shut him up. But still, it had been the wrong thing to do, Bates wasn't really that bad of a guy like most people made him out to be, the man was just in shock about what had happened and had reacted poorly.

Sighing, John laid down, trying not to think about who's bed he was on. He gazed across the room at the desk, looking at the various pictures and notes that were scattered around on it. Tears fell silently from John's eyes and he brushed them away angrily, rolling onto his back and staring at the ceiling.

John wondered what would happen in the morning, when the harsh light of day flooded the dark facts of his experiences. He wondered how everyone would react once they'd got past the shock. He wondered how they would treat him, when all was said and done. He wondered if he'd be locked up in the brig for the rest of his life - not that he didn't deserve it, because that was the least he deserved. John wondered if he even cared.

It was the feeling of someone else in the room that woke John up. For a second, as sleep still clung to him, he thought he was back with Forza, that he was about to be forced to fight and be tormented again, but then the soft feel of the bed reached John's senses and he remembered what had happened. Opening his eyes, John sat up to find Elizabeth standing by the window.

"We were all worried about you, John." Elizabeth spoke without turning around. "We had no idea what had happened, where you'd gone, what was happening to you… None of us thought it would be this bad, though. What they did to you…. Jesus, John I can't believe you survived it. I knew you were tough but it would have broken anyone. And don't worry about what happened with Bates. He along with the rest of us will understand, eventually it'll just take some time. Now come on, I'm supposed to escort you to the infirmary."

Yes, that sounded like a wonderful plan, John stood up with only a faint grimace of pain. Elizabeth noticed it though, John could tell by the slight narrowing of her eyes, but she didn't comment on it. They walked in silence for a little bit, but John knew that it wouldn't last; he could feel the questions pressing against his mind, waiting to spill from his lips. John didn't want to ask it, was afraid of the answer and wanted to remain in blissful ignorance, but he'd never been very good at keeping quiet. If even only one person understood what he'd done and why he'd done it, John, for some reson, needed that person to be Elizabeth.

"Do you…" John stopped before he could actually speak the question, but it was too late anyway. Elizabeth was looking at him, waiting for him to finish. John sighed, crossing one arm in front of his stomach and feeling pain bite its way through his body from the touch. He took an odd form of comfort from it, telling himself that if he had survived that, he could survive Elizabeth's answer. Hopefully. The other he used to rub at the back of his head.

"Do you… blame me? For what I… For Rodney?"

Elizabeth echoed John's earlier sigh and was silent for a couple of seconds. John kicked himself for asking, shouting at his stupid lack of self-control.

"I'd be lying if I said no, but I'd also be lying if I said yes." Elizabeth replied eventually, "I'll admit I don't understand how you could have made the choice you did and I may never fully understand. To me it seems like an easy choice: you don't fight, don't kill. But then again I've never been in that situation, so I have no way of knowing what I really would've done. For all I know I would have done the same thing. I may not know what was going through your's or Rodney's head specifically, but I do like to think I have some pretty good insight into human nature and kill or be killed… it's the most basic, primal of choices we can make as humans and… in that reguard you probably made the right choice."

"So… If I had let Rodney win, that would've been...the wrong choice?"

"No."

John nodded and thought about what Elizabeth had said until they reached the infirmary. Carson, Aiden, Teyla, and Kate were all there waiting. John hesitated in the doorway, not sure why he was so unwilling to enter.

"Major?" Kate asked uncertainly, taking a small step forward. "John, if you're feeling up to it we'd like to know what happened. By the looks of things you haven't told us everything that happened. In fact you haven't told us much at all." John scowled, not making any attempt to hide the signs of his torture.

"What more is there to say?" John asked in a tone that was barely above a growl. "I wouldn't fight Rodney, they tortured us, and burned me with a fucking branding iron. That pretty much sums up most of it and gives you a pretty fucking good idea of what my life's been like for the past few months. Only now it's over, and I can rest, so all I want is for some fucking pills so that I don't have to worry about nightmares. I also want Carson to examine and tend my wounds because frankly, I don't trust the doc that Forza employed, any farther then I could throw him and I really don't want to get an infection. I also don't want to be asked more questions. They can wait. Clear?"

John noticed that Teyla was watching him with sharp, narrowed eyes but quickly averted his gaze, he didn't want her to see the dark pain in his eyes. Next his eyes landed on Aiden, who was staring at him slightly in shock and… something else. It was close to pity, but had an element of something else that John didn't recognise.

Something inside John cracked just a little at the sight because it was the personification of losing innocence, of realising that the world was not all sunshine and bubblegum and that people couldn't stay innocent and young forever, not if they wanted to survive. Sure Aiden was in the military and would've learned all of that in time, but it was to soon to be learning that lesson now, Aiden was still young and a bit naive he should of had a few more years before learning that lesson.

John sighed and walked inside the room so that he could sit down on one of the beds. "I'm sorry." He muttered. "I don't mean to be so harsh, but I've been through a lot. I just want a little time to sort things out before I get the third degree. Please?"

Elizabeth let out a heavy breath and nodded her acquiescence. "Alright, John, you can have some time." Elizabeth turned her attention to Carson. "And I'll want a full report from you when you're done."

"Aye, now everyone out." Carson started ushering everyone out of the infirmary.

"Um-" John cursed himself for speaking as everyone turned to look at him, but decided that he really had to know, so he gathered his courage and spoke. "Did you find Rodney's body?"

For a second, no one spoke, but then Aiden released a heavy breath and shook his head. "No, we looked but, no dice, sir."

"Then they must've burnt it," John murmured to himself. "I'd always wondered what they did with the corpses. I mean, just from the fights while I was there, there had to have been dozens of fights, and they had to have been going for a good while beforehand so…." John looked up and saw that they were all looking at him with expressions of shock and horror, even Teyla, but to a lesser degree. He realised, belatedly, that he had to be more careful about what he said, that he couldn't just voice his thoughts whenever he wanted anymore. Carson was the first to recover and ushered everyone out.

Carson waited until the doors had closed before pulling on some gloves and beginning the examination, mostly keeping silent except to ask John a few, standard questions, does this hurt, follow my finger, when were these inflicted… John answered automatically, not paying attention to how Carson poked and prodded and shifted and moved him.

It was over remarkably quickly, John's wounds were quickly washed and redressed, and then Carson was handing him a couple of small white pills and a little cup of water. John popped the pills dry, ignoring the water, and climbed under the thin sheets, staring at the ceiling until Carson left.

John once again woke up to the feeling of someone watching him. He swallowed back a sigh and opened his eyes. Aiden was sitting on the bed next to John's, watching him with a mixed expression of thoughtfulness and worry. John remained silent, watching him calmly, waiting for whatever was about to happen.

"How'd you do it, sir?" The younger man asked suddenly. John blinked before sitting up, pushing his hair out of her eyes - making a mental note to get a hair cut - and tried to figure out what to say.

"You know Ford I could try to give you some heartfelt meaningful explaination, but it'd just be a buch of bull shit. The truth, I did it because I'm fucking bastard who didn't want to die, so I killed others just to save my own ass." John stated flatly.

Aiden nodded slightly and silence fell again. John wondered what else Aiden wanted to ask, or say, and when he would go away.

"I'm sorry, sir." Aiden said in a voice that was barely above a murmur, and John frowned.

"For what?"

"For everything…for not finding you sooner. For everything you went through. I'm really sorry, sir."

Despite himself, John couldn't help smiling a little and it made Aiden smile back at him cautiously. "It's alright Ford I don't blame you. I don't blame anyone in the city, never did, never will."

Aiden let a relieved grin form and opened his mouth to say something else when Carson walked in.

"Alright Lt. out. Major, how are you feeling today?"

John nodded vaguely at Aiden as the younger man left, and then thought about Carson's question, evaluating both his body and mind. "A bit of a dull ache all over, but pretty good, considering."

"Good to hear. Now, I've got some nicely coloured pills here for you and I know you're not too fond of needles but I have a couple of injections I'd like to give you."

"After what I've been through, you could hack off a limb and I wouldn't care at the moment."

Carson grimaced, but didn't comment. John endured another bout of poking and prodding, swallowing the pills handed to him and not flinching when Carson gave him a couple of injections.

"Do you feel up to talking yet?" Carson asked when it was over, taking off his gloves and tossing them in the bin. John wanted to say no, not yet, please don't make me talk about it all, but he knew that he couldn't put it off forever, so he just nodded silently. Carson walked with John to the briefing room, where Elizabeth, Aiden, Teyla, and Kate were all waiting, ready to hear just about every little detail of John's gruesome tale.

A/N: Ok I'm thinking another two chapters and this story will be finished. They should be up either tonight or tommorow.