A/N: Alright folks this is it the long awaited ending. Hopefully you'll all by happy with the way I ended this.
small reference to the Stargate SG-1 episode 'Gamekeeper'.
The sudden sounds around him made John's head pounded. Cautiously opening his eyes John was blinded by a harsh white light and quickly closed them again. Taking a moment to think about where he was John realized he was in the infirmary and let out a slight groan; someone must have found him. Taking a deep breath John gradually cracked his eyes open again and found himself staring at Rodney.
'Great now I'm hallucinating.' John thought as he stared at the form of his dead friend.
It was Rodney's turn to sit watch over John, while the others went about grabbing some food and getting some rest. Rodney sat in a hard backed chair next to John's bed, working on his lap top. Only the sound of the medical equipment and Rodney's typing disturbed the stillness in the infirmary. Apart from John, who now lay hooked up to a myriad of machines, there was no one else in the infirmary. No one was sure what exactly had happened to John on MX-2368, it was supposed to have been an over night mission but while the team had been exploring the planet on the first day nature had paid John a little visit and he'd had gone off by himself to take care of it. When he didn't return and wouldn't answer their radio calls the team had started seaching for him.
It had taken several hours of searching, but John was eventually found unconsious in a small cave hooked up to a machine - Lt. Ford had said it reminded him of the VR machines SG-1 had encountered on P7J-989 - and a message that said 'One must experience the horrors of the past in order to insure they are never repeated' there was also some writings on the cave walls that the linguist were working to translate. As soon as Rodney, with the help of Radek, had gotten him free, John had immediately been brought back to Atlantis and had yet to regain consiousness; that had been two days ago.
A quiet groan disturbed Rodney from his work causing him to look up towards John. Setting the laptop aside Rodney stood over John's bed as he stirred. When John's eyes opened Rodney frowned at the confusion and anguish he saw in John's eyes.
"It's about time you woke up and stopped being lazy Major." John flinched away when Rodney rested a hand against his arm. "I'll go find Carson." Rodney was worried about the way John was acting; John had never really been one to flinch away from physical contact no matter how hurt he was.
"You're dead." John's whispered statement caught Rodney off guard.
"Well for a dead guy I feel pretty alive." Rodney turned back to face John. The lifeless and emotionless eyes that stared back at him caused Rodney to pause and wonder if he really had gotten his friend back.
"Figures even as an hallucination you'd have to be a jackass and mock me." John tore his eyes away from Rodney and stared at the celling.
Coming out of his office Carson allowed a small smile to form when he noticed that John was awake. Moving towards John's bed Carson stopped when Rodney grabbed his arm and pulled him off to the side.
"Rodney?" Carson didn't like the look he saw on Rodney's face. If Carson didn't know any better he'd say Rodney looked like he'd just lost his best friend.
"Somethings not right with John." Rodney kept glancing at the man lying on the infirmary bed.
"What makes you say that?" Carson was getting concerned; it wasn't everyday he saw Rodney acting like he was right then. "As far as I can tell there's not a scratch on him."
"Oh I don't know, the fact that he thinks he's hallucinating me because I'm supposedly dead was a pretty big clue, but than again I'm not a medical doctor so what do I know?"
"Aye that would be a good clue. Well let's see if we can't figure out what's going on in that head of his." Carson started in the direction of John's bed.
"Major." Carson stopped at John's bed and did a quick check of the machines that were hooked up to John.
"Doc." John didn't look at Carson, just kept his eyes facing the celling.
"I hear you think Rodney's dead."
"I don't think, I know. I should considering I'm the one who did it." John's statement caused Rodney's head to snap up and Carson to stop fiddling with the machines and turn his full attention to John. "But then again I already told you all about that." John finally turned his graze away from the celling to look at Carson and spotted Rodney hovering just behind the Scottsman. "And now I'm hallucinating him."
"Major...John...I don't know what you think has happened, but I'm not dead, I really am standing right here. You're not hallucinating me." Rodney tried convincing John.
"Yeah that's what they all say. I'm not a hallucination, I'm real believe me." John stared Rodney right in the eyes. "I'm the one who killed you, so trust me when I say you're dead. Now leave me the fuck alone I don't need insane added to the list of my problems."
"John listen to me. You...Are...Not...Hallucinating, Rodney really is standing right here." Carson went to lay a gental hand on John's shoulder, but stopped when John flinched away.
John stared at Carson like the man was crazy. Of course Rodney was standing right there, but Carson shouldn't have be able to see him, Rodney was a hallucination after all and John was pretty sure people weren't supposed to be able to see other people's hallucinations.
Sitting up John realized that he hadn't been restrained, which he found odd considering he'd just tried to kill himself. Looking down at his wrists John noticed that there were no bandages and now that he thought about it his body didn't have that dull aching feeling either. Confused and beginning to panic a bit John pulled the scrub shirt he'd been wearing off and was shocked to find that there were no burn marks, no scars, no nothing, he didn't have a scratch on him.
"John?" Startled by the hand on his shoulder John jumped, pushing himself back away from the hand.
Falling off the bed on the other side John scurried across the floor until his back met with the wall. Worried about the loud erratic beeps the heart monitor was beginning to give off Carson rounded the bed and found John backed into the corner. His eyes were wide and filled with confusion and panic, but what really surprised Carson was the fear in John's eyes. There was true to God fear in John's eyes, Carson didn't think he would ever see something like that from John.
"What...the...fuck?" John was beginning to hyperventilate, but didn't care. "This isn't right...I knew me and the big guy up stairs didn't exactly see eye to eye...but even he wouldn't be this much of a fucking bastard and torment me like this."
"Damn it John snap the hell out of it!" Rodney's voice brought John back from his rambling. Looking up John spotted Rodney and Carson crouched down in front of him, past them he could see Elizabeth, Aiden, and Teyla. When the hell had they showen up?
"Stay away from me!" John flinched away from Rodney. "I don't know what the fucks going on, but this isn't real, you're not real. I killed you, God damn it I fucking killed you Rodney! I put a fucking knife right through your God damn heart! And now you expect me to believe you're alive? Shit!"
Feeling his stomach about to rebel on him John lurched off the floor headed towards the closest trash can, making it just in time. Feeling someone rubbing his back John tensed up but didn't have the strength to pull away. John berely registered the feeling of a needle entering his arm, letting the darkness over come him.
Waking to the sound of voices John fought to keep his body relaxed and his breathing steady, focusing on not giving any indication that he was awake. Straining his ears, John could make out the voices of Carson, Elizabeth, and Rodney.
"...The machine was appearently a historical archive of some kind." Rodeny was keeping his voice low. "From some of what's been translated so far the last couple of days, it's purpose was to allow a person to 'experience the horrors of the past'."
"Aye, and from what you've told me and from my own tests I'd say that machine some how implanted a false memory of sorts into the Major's mind, using elements from his own life to make it seem more real."
"It makes sense. From what I understand the leader of the people that used to live on the planet did something so horrible that the people wanted to make sure no one ever considered doing it again and what better way than to make a person experience it." Elizabeth spoke up.
"So the last few months never happened?" I didn't spend two months in that fucking shit hole, killing others to save my own ass, I didn't kill Rodney?" John didn't realize he'd said that out loud until he noticed Elizabeth had stopped talking and that she along with Rodney and Carson were now looking at him.
"How are you feeling, Major?" Carson shifted into doctor mode, doing a quick check of the machines showing John's vitals. Carson was careful to not to touch John remembering how he'd reacted the last time someone tried touching him.
"Confused as hell. What's going on?"
"What's the last thing you remember before waking up in the infirmary earlier?" Rodney moved to stand at the foot of the bed, not wanting John to freak out again if he got too close.
The question made John fidget nervously. Trying to think of a way to answer that question with out making everyone think he was crazy and needed to be watched constantly, John licked his lips nervously, refusing to look at either Rodney, Carson or Elizabeth.
"John, please. We need to know what happened. What's the last thing you remember?" Elizabeth took a hold of John's hand ignoring the way he instantly tensed up.
"I...uh...I was uh...trying to kill myself." John whispered his reply so softly the other three almost didn't hear him. Pulling his hand away John rolled onto his side, back facing his friends. Momentarily shocked all Elizabeth, Rodney and Carson could do was look at John, wondering just what the hell it was he'd gone through that made him think death was the only answer.
Pulling herself out of her shock Elizabeth cautiously moved to the other side of John's bed trying to look him in the eyes. With his eyes closed John startled slightly when he felt a hand on his arm. Opening his eyes John quickly adverted his gaze when he saw Elizabeth.
"Why? Why were you trying to kill yourself John?" Elizabeth could tell that John really didn't want to talk about what had happened to him, but the only way she or anyone else was going to be able to help him was if they knew what he'd experienced.
"It dosen't matter. It didn't really happen, it wasn't real. I heard you guys talking, the last two months of my life never really happened, it was a false memory. It's actually only been a few days." John suddenly sat up pulling all the wires off him and tried getting off the bed, only to be held back by Carson and Rodney's arms around him.
"Aye lad, it does matter. You may not have physically experienced those memories, but they're still real, you still have to come to terms with them."
Having Rodney so close, being able to actually touch him, the flood gates opened and John couldn't hold it back anymore. Latching onto his friend John held on as if his life depended on it, apologising over and over again for what he'd done. It didn't matter to John that technically he'd never actually killed Rodney, all that mattered was that Rodney forgave him.
"Easy John, it's ok, it wasn't real. It never really happened. I'm fine, you're fine, everybodies fine. Nobody blames you for anything." Not knowing what else to do Rodney stood there trying to offer his friend what little comfort he could.
"But it did happend, maybe not to us personally, but that place, those people; Forza, Keeshaw, all of them really did exist at one time. The sensless fighting and killing really did happen. And even if I only experienced a recreation of it I can still fucking feel your blood on my hands, still remember the look in you eyes as the life drained out of you. Still remember having the shit beat out of me just so I didn't have to fight you. Remember you giving in and agreeing to fight..." John trailed off feeling anger start to rise at that last memory.
Pushing away from Rodney, John got off the bed and started pacing around the room, trying to keep himself from punching Rodney forcing himself to remember that it didn't really happen, that the son of a bitch hadn't given in and agreed to fight even after John had been tortured so that he didn't have to fight Rodney.
Realizing this was something John and Rodney needed to work out on their own Carson and Elizabeth descreatly moved out of the room leaving the two friends alone to sort things out.
"Hit me." Rodney's out of the blue demand froze John on the spot. "Damn it John fucking hit me! I know you want to, I can see it in your eyes."
Seeing that John wasn't going to make the first move Rodney stepped up to John and swung for all he was worth, knocking the major flat on his ass. The punch really hadn't been all that powerful, but John had been so shocked by it he'd went down like Muhammad Ali himself had just hit him.
Anger pumping through him John was on his feet knocking Rodney flat on his ass, before he even had the chance to think about it. About to take another swing John stopped, arm in mid-swing, and stepped away from the downed scientist, horrified about what he'd just done. Pulling himself off the floor Rodney approached the shaken up major.
"Feel better?" Rodney's question was muffled by the hand holding his bleeding nose.
Taking a moment to think about it, really think about it John let a small grin form. "Yeah, yeah I do a little."
"Good. Now what do you say we get Carson to look at my nose and your eye and then you can tell me just what the hell happened to you exactly."
"Sounds like a plan." John followed after Rodney in search of Carson.
John knew that this wasn't the end of it, that things were liable to get a lot worse before they got better. They may never know who the people were that had built that machine or what had really happened to them, but with the help of Rodney and the others, plus a lot of hours racked up in Kate's office John knew he'd be fine eventually and for the moment that was good enough for him.
A/N: There you have it, this story is done. See everything more or less worked out in the end and both Rodney and John are alive and kicking (or should that be punching?) and only slightly damaged.