A/N:
So very sorry for the long pause. There was a lot of work to be done and I had little time to attend to the story. Starting up the story after a break is really challenging. But I am glad things are progressing toward an appropriate conclusion. There is still some more way to go till the end.
Once again I apologise for the long delay – now on with the story.
Chapter 8 – Decisions
(Eomer's POV)
The floor was wet with rain. I woke up and closed the windows. The air was damp and heavy. It was unusual that it was raining at this time of the year.
As I returned to bed, I thought of Lothiriel again. She told me she wanted to return home. It pained me to think that I was drifting further from her again. Why did she change her mind? Was she angry with me? What did I do?
I buried my face in the pillow and screamed.
Everything was fine until Lothiriel got carried away with her mysterious admirer. A cold annoyance brewed slowly in me all evening. I wished she would stop making things up. And when she started putting me in a hypothetical situation and asked me how I would feel about a mysterious but non existent lover, my anger rose.
I hate it when I become angry. Terrible things happen. Complicated and irrational feelings always drag me into a darkness. My mind becomes dull and then monster within stirs.
And the beast grew strong feeding upon the frustration and helplessness Lothiriel was leading me to. I had to muster all my strength to stop the ugly me from breaking loose. It was as if the first Orc was struggling to emerge from a tormented Elf.
Fortunately, I prevailed. But it left me weak inside. Seldom do I encounter such battles. I avoid getting into emotional states in the first place. But with Lothiriel, I was forced to provoke the sleeping monster. Hopefully it won't happen again. I hope Lothiriel never meets him.
I really wished she did not return to Dol Amroth so soon. Now I have too little time to make an impression upon her. There is much I wish to show her.
Yet a strange thought occurred to me. Would she really find me interesting? After all, her upbringing as a princess in the royal courts of Higher Men would have create an expectation of suitable men. Men who are accomplished, talented and sophisticated. Men with wit and charming words.
And these I am not. Would she consider such qualities as criteria in choosing a husband? Her reaction over the mysterious note seems to indicate that she does.
Is she too far above me that I cannot reach her?
My confidence ebbed as I mulled over these thoughts. I felt very unhappy and had to force myself to sleep.
(Lothiriel's POV)
I woke up to close the window. The rain was coming into the room.
The air was cold and heavy around me - weighing me down like my disappointed heart. It felt strange that it rained in Rohan during the dry season. Perhaps, the earth understood my sadness and was crying.
But I was not crying at all – just sober and thoughtful.
Why am I so disappointed? Am I disappointed with him? Why I am so unhappy? My reasoning mind says that I should be glad over Eomer's generosity yet my heart is otherwise.
What is wrong?
Could it be all my doing? I set myself up to expect something unreasonable. Building up the hope that Eomer was the man behind the rose and the note. And when the truth came to me, the dream of the perfect man was shattered.
Again.
Being a princess, one might think that it was easy to be in love. But that had not been so.
I recalled the different men I had liked deeply and fallen for before. I remembered how each of them appealed to me and made me feel special. Some captivated me with their musical ability; some were good with words while others intrigued me with their radical philosophy. The combination of fair looks, grace and intellect never failed to make my silly heart turn.
Yet all of them did not result in love. Often, my affection toward them was in secret. Love was often disguised as friendship, my romantic affections were unnoticed and went unanswered. In time, the hope of romance die as I discovered some intolerable character flaw or realized that there was someone else he had in mind.
And then, there were those who loved me but I could bring myself not love. These I had pity because I understood the pain of hoping and failing. But I will not love them for pity's sake.
But Eomer came to me a different way.
There were no fine words, music or ideas. It was his flawless character that first caught me. That is what I love about him.
And today he took me by surprise with his expression of romantic desire. He had risked his reputation to touch me, and yet he choose to cross the line. The tryst should have destroyed the paragon of virtue he appeared to be. Yet I am of the view that this is totally consistent to his character of being true. My heart burned as I remembered the intense and private time we had. He was the only man who dared to touch me this way. I love him for showing what he feels.
Eomer loves me in a different way. There is a certain freedom when I am with him.
Still I do not fully understand why I am not completely taken in with him. My soul is raising questions of our affinity.
Is it important that he is romantic, witty and intelligent like the men I loved before? I cannot decide.
(Eomer's POV)
She came to me with another letter. My head was in a terrible pain as she spoke of the contents of the note. It was from her secret admirer. He must have found out that she was leaving tomorrow and wanted to meet. I tried to focus on what she was saying but it was hard to listen with my head thumping in pain.
"So what do you think I should do" Lothiriel asked.
"Why do you ask me?" I started rather impatiently "You should do as you wish."
Lothiriel was very displeased with my response but I could not be bothered with her reaction. I wished she would end this stupid façade of proprietary and just do whatever she wanted to. Who was I to tell her what to do – I am not her father. I am no one to her.
I did not say anything but started to rub my neck. I was hoping to relieve the headache that was upon me since this morning. So much for sleeping well last night.
"You look as if you are in pain" she said rolling her eyes.
"I am having a headache" I grimaced and continued to rub my neck. I wished she did not look at me that way – it makes my headache worse.
"Didn't you sleep well last night" she asked in a much softer manner. I could see a concern emerging from her eyes.
"No. I did not." I replied and sat down on the chair nearby.
And then she surprised me.
"I could make you feel better. Would you like me to rub your neck a bit?"
It was an offer I could not – perharps did not want to refuse. I nodded and pointed to where my neck was rather stiff.
(Lothiriel's POV)
I was expecting him to tell me not to go to meet this stranger but once again he left it up to me to decide. His lack of concern and totally detached response to my question made me angry.
If this were my father or brothers, they would have forbidden me to entertain this further. They would have tried to protect me. Yet here was a stupid oaf of a man who does not know what to say.
Eomer, if you love me, command me not to go.
My displeasure and anger toward him grew – I did not hide it. And when he started to rub his neck, I felt ignored and became rather sarcastic.
Then I said "You look as if you are in pain". I was insincere and wanted to be hurtful.
My words must have been effective because I could see he was really in much pain.
"I am having a headache" was his reply.
Then a part of me softened and I realized I had been very selfish since the beginning of the conversation. I was oblivious to Eomer's pain. I was too absorbed with my need to be wanted, to be heard and to be loved. I felt guilty.
So I offer to rub his neck for him as a form of restitution. He didn't say a word but indicated to me where the pain on his neck was at.
And it was true – he was having a headache. His neck muscles were very stiff and hard as a rock. The tightness ran all the way from the shoulder to the base of his skull.
I stood behind him and started knead deeply into the hardened muscles. It must have been very painful as he had tears in his eyes and his hands were clenched. He groaned and laughed at the same time. The expression on his face was both painful and comical.
"Do you want me to stop" I asked trying hard not to laugh at him. He looked so funny being in relief and pain at the same time.
"No…I feel it is getting a little better" he said gritting his teeth.
When I could feel the neck muscles loosen, I stopped. The skin on his neck was red and my hands were very tired from the massage.
"I think that should do" I said.
"Thank you. I do feel better." he replied. And then he caught hold of my hand and kissed it gently.
"Your neck was so thick and hard. My hands are painful." I complained.
I turned and sat facing him and I straighten out my right arm toward him. "It's my turn" I said playfully.
Without hesitation, he started massaging the hand. Then he asked for the other hand and did the same.
"So is your head better" I asked as he worked on my hands.
"There is still a little pain" he replied "But it is already much better, thank you."
"So what is your answer to my question" I asked.
"I already told you that it is up to you" he replied rather calmly.
"Why is it up to me?" I asked.
"Why is it up to you?" he repeated. "Because only you know what is best for yourself."
"But don't you think that as my prospective husband, you should advise me or direct me."
"Even if I were your husband, I would have you choose your course of action."
"You would let me choose?"
"Who am I to tell you what you must do. You are not my prisoner and I do not own you."
I looked at him as he spoke these words. He was focused on rubbing my hands and did not look at me. I was beginning to understand at least to a little more of what Eomer meant by love.
Yes, it is up to me to decide.
(Eomer's POV)
"I like to meet the admirer. So do you think that is a good idea?" she asked.
"I don't know" I replied and stopped rubbing her hand.
"Well, I shall meet him then…since it is up to me." she continued. I became quiet. Something strange was happening inside me – some nasty feeling was coming.
"Are you uncomfortable with the idea?" she inquired.
"A little bit" I said rather seriously, not knowing where this nasty energy will flow.
"I think it is better that I find out who he is and what he might be up to" she stated rather factually. I actually agreed with her but was feeling otherwise. My heart did not want her to see him. I felt I wanted to stop her.
I could have said "Lothiriel, please don't go" but "If you think so" came out instead.
"Do you wish me not to go" she asked "I wish you will tell me what you wish."
I did not answer her question for I was afraid of what or how I might say it. The nasty feeling was getting intense. I looked out of the window.
We were quiet for a long while and I could see that she was looking at me from the corner of my eye.
"So tell me why you are uncomfortable with me meeting this man." she asked finally. By that time, I was feeling more composed and could think rationally.
"It might be dangerous for you to see him alone" I said.
"Then I would need someone to follow me" she added and I looked at her. I was glad that she stopped trying to dig out my feelings about the situation.
"I would come with you, if you let me." I continued.
"Then come in such a way that you can be near but I would see and talk to him alone" she replied slowly and deliberately.
"You mean that I hide and observe the two of you from afar?" I was expecting to meet him with her openly.
"Yes. I want to keep it private for him. Besides, it will attract a lot of undue attention if he saw you with me."
"That's true." I said feeling very stupid.
(Lothiriel's POV)
I gave up trying to discern Eomer's heart. I knew that he was not happy that I decided to meet the secret admirer. But he did not want tell me why. I thought he was going to tell me that he wished that I did not go but he did not. I asked him to tell me what he wished, the things he was feeling within but he did not say. Finally, I asked more directly why he was uncomfortable. That was when he said that that he felt it was dangerous for me to meet the stranger alone.
A reasonable and wise reply. But for some reason, it was not an answer I wanted to hear. He was speaking again with detachment from his feelings and was rational.
Must I hear him tell me that he wanted me to stay? Or perhaps became angry and act as a jealous lover? It was strange to me that I was hoping to see such behaviors. Why do I need him to be in control?
But I will have deal with this another time. Perhaps, when I am alone.
And I started to approach the issue of meeting the secret admirer more rationally.
We made our way to the west side of the garden where the secret admirer said he would be waiting. On our way there, I walked alone and Eomer followed me into the garden from a distance.
When I arrived, I did not see anyone in the garden. So I sat down on a bench and waited for a while. Then I heard footsteps and turned and saw a familiar face. It was Lord Freawine – one of Eomer's court advisors. He was a young man who had a comely appearance and spoke very well. Lana and I spent many hours with him during our study of Rohan. He was very likeable and one of our favorite people at the court.
But I wasn't sure if he was the secret admirer or not.
"Good evening, Lord Freawine" I said.
"Good evening, Lady Ariel. What are you doing here?" Freawine asked.
"I am waiting for someone" I said.
"And who might that be, if I may ask?" he continued.
"Of course, you may but all I can tell you is that it is a secret."
"Then I will ask no more" he said.
"And what about you Lord Freawine? Do you come to these gardens often?"
"Not really except of late."
"And why is that so?"
"It is hard to explain but perhaps I can show you something and you will understand. Would you like to come?"
"Well, why not if it is not very far from here."
"It is just over there" Freawine pointed at some short hedges about twenty feet ahead.
And so I followed Freawine and found myself in the midst of a rose garden. Then Freawine said "I come here to pluck these flowers for a lady I much admire." And with that he presented me another rose that he just plucked from the bushes. And I knew for sure who Freawine was.
"Thank you. It is very pretty" I said as I took the rose from him. "And does your lady know how much you admire her?"
"I am sure she does." Freawine said knowingly with a charming smile.
"And may I ask who is this lady of yours?"
"Of course, you may but all I can tell you is that it is a secret." Freawine replied.
We both laughed at his remark and it felt incredibly refreshing to have someone witty to talk with. I somehow wished Eomer had half his wits. That would have made him perfect.
"But it is a secret no longer, I fear" Freawine said looking at me rather seriously.
"Yes, I think the secret is out." was my reply.
What followed was Freawine's confession that he was in love with me and sought permission to court me. I felt very flattered and yet full of remorse. Here is another love that cannot be. It was a pity.
"I am truly honored by your feelings for me but I cannot accept them."
Freawine was surprised. I think he was expecting a more positive answer and not an outright rejection. If I was not Princess Lothiriel but Lady Ariel, I would definitely consider him as a possible match.
"And why is that so? I am surprised that you have judged me so quickly."
"It is not what you think. I do not judge you as I hardly know you." I began rather slowly. It is just that my father has made arrangements for me, Lord Freawine. I am intended for another."
Although I spoke the truth that sounded like an excuse to reject Freawine's affections.
"I don't believe you. Are you saying this to avoid being truthful with me, Lady Ariel?"
"It is the truth. There is no reason why I need to lie to you."
"I cannot imagine why a lady like you would need such an arrangement? Do you not marry for love in Dol Amroth?"
"I do, Lord Freawine…." I said rather spiritedly and he then interrupted.
"And this man your father wants you to marry, do you love him?"
I was stunned by the question and replied quickly "Of course, I love….."
But I could not finish my sentence. There was a lack of conviction. My soul was not convinced that it was in love with Eomer totally or absolutely.
"I don't have to explain anything, Lord Freawine. It is not your business to know." I said rather curtly.
"I am sorry Lady Ariel to have intruded into your private affairs." Freawine started. "But if there is ever a chance that you don't love him, I want to let you know that I will be waiting for you."
"No, Lord Freawine. Please don't waste your time waiting for me. I will be married and there is no doubt about that. "
"Will you not even give me a chance to hope?" he asked.
"There is none I can give." I said feeling the tears in my eyes. I understand the pain of unrequited love too well.
"Please Lord Freawine, I am so sorry." I handed the rose back to him and turned to walk away.
I walked alone for a long time. There was too much to think and to decide.
Will I love him or not?
(Eomer's POV)
I followed her slowly as she walked with Lord Freawine, whom I immediately knew was her secret admirer.
From where I was, I could only see them from the side. I saw him pass her a carefully plucked rose and she took it to her lips. There was a look of bliss and contentment that reminded me of how she looked at me last night. She thought I was the secret admirer.
Then he said something and the both of them laughed. My heart sank at the smile they shared.
Freawine started to look serious. It appears that he was telling her something important. She looked at him and played with the rose as if she was considering everything he was proposing.
I watched on, holding back all my fears and was consciously reassuring myself that everything will work out.
And the only reassurance I held onto was that Lothiriel, as the princess of Dol Amroth was not at liberty to choose to love Freawine. She was given to me – she was mine to love. She would follow her father's wishes. She would turn him away.
And soon the laughing stopped. Lothiriel put on her serious face as she spoke. There was a point she looked almost defensive and then speechless. There was also look of pain when she handed the rose back to Freawine.
I felt a great relief as she left Freawine. She had rejected him.
I continued to follow her, wondering when I should show myself to her again. Yet I dared not. There seems to be a loss of confidence after I watched her reject Freawine. Something happened to me but what?
She stopped suddenly and turned around as if she was looking for something or someone. I took it as the signal to reveal myself. I came out from my hiding and looked in her direction. Her eye caught me and she stood there watching me go toward her.
I walked toward her feeling totally bewildered and lost. Should I comfort her? Should I hold her? What should I say? What should I do?
"How was it?" I asked not knowing what else to say. I kept a reasonable distance as it was unwise to hold her in the open view.
"Quite sad, I think." was her reply.
"How come?" I continued.
"I had to turn away someone I could love."
"But you did the right thing to turn him away."
"I had no choice. The truth is that he thinks I am Lady Ariel and I am not. And even if he knew the truth about me and forgave me for deceiving him, there is still my father. Yes, the best thing was to turn him away now."
"You did the right thing" I said. "You don't need to feel sad."
"I know I did the right thing." Lothiriel continued. "But I cannot help but feel the sadness."
"Why are you sad for him?"
"No, not for him. I think I am sad for myself."
There was a silence between us and a fear gripped me. I wanted to know why she was sad but I was afraid to ask.
"Is there anyway I can help you?" I finally said.
"Thank you. But I need to think on my own." she said.
And with that I excused myself from her presence still keeping a watchful distance. I saw that she returned to the main hall for dinner and later escorted her back to her room.
"Thank you very much King Eomer" she said at her door.
"Do rest well, my lady. It will be a long journey back home."
"I will. Good night, my lord."
As I returned to my room, everything felt wrong. I tried to figure out the loss of my confidence toward Lothiriel.
Lothiriel did not reject me. She rejected Freawine. There was no answer and so I slept.
That night, I dreamt of Lothiriel's love to me.
And I saw the way she spoke with Freawine. I heard her reasons why she rejected Freawine. I uttered my own reassurance why she would reject Freawine's affection.
It became clear that her choice was based on her sense of duty, obedience to her father and her position as the Princess. Once again duty before love.
There was nothing about love. I was not the reason. I, was not a reason.
I began to accept the truth – Lothiriel may not love me.