Chapter 9 – The Choice
(Lothiriel's POV)
I am on the way home.
Eomer as I expected came along with the escorts from Rohan accompanying myself and Lana. Though he told everyone that he was going to Dol Amroth to settle some state business with Prince Imrahil, I wondered if he was making the most of every moment to be with me.
Or perharps I am the state business he was referring to. Eomer doesn't lie.
After my encounter with Freawine, it became clearer to me how Eomer and I were incompatible in critical ways. It dawned upon me that he grew up with horses and spent most of his years fighting a war wheras I was raised as a lady of learning and lore. It was not that I did not like him. The truth is that I do in some ways but I cannot imagine the kind of lifelong companion he would be. I needed to relate to him more intellectually.
But will he be able to relate to me? And if he is unable and I married him, won't my life be so devoid of the things I love?
It would be a lie to say that I love him when there are gaps in how we would relate.
And I know from the way things have been that there is a part of me he will never fill. And probably could not. It became even more apparent when we rode together. I wanted to find out how wide the gap was and if we could share mutual interests. So I started with asking what his favorite story was.
"I don't remember having any favorites. I don't read much." he said.
"Well, even if you don't read a lot, you would have heard stories told by others." I replied.
"Yes, I have but I don't have a deep impression of them".
"In that case, maybe I could share one of my. Have you heard of Beren and Luthien?"
"What is the story about?" he asked.
His ignorance of the tale of Beren and Luthien was shocking but I bore it quietly and retold the tale.
"So does the story sound familiar?" I asked.
"Yes, I think I must heard it long time ago. I just did not remember the names of the characters." He answered quietly and with some disinterest.
"So what do you think of their love?" I asked hoping that he might at least give an intelligent commentary or his analysis.
"It is too tragic and complicated. I would have preferred a happier ending." How typical of Eomer –always preferring the simple and straightforward.
There was nothing more I could say after that. Our conversations often came to a full stop. I became tired of making conversation of the things I liked and only to find that he did not feel the same way. He didn't care to know of philosophy, music or languages. In my mind, he was turning out to be an unlearned and boorish man – the kind I would be quick to despise.
And I would have pass such judgement if not for the counsel from my heart : Be patient and take another look.
'Why should I?' retorted my mind, when he could not handle any sort of intellectual conversation that I enjoyed and longed to share with him.
'Perhaps, time will show you how he may be loved' whispered my heart.
Mired in confusion and in conflict again, I remembered what Eomer said before - that he could love someone in time if he choose to. How strange that I had to do the same and to the man who would have done the same for me.
But why should I? Could I really love him in time?
My thoughts turned to facing my father on my marriage to him once again. Eomer would definitely make the offer of marriage when he arrived. I know he is in love with me.
But will there be any escape for me? Everything I did to free myself has changed nothing. I might as well have stayed at Dol Amroth to await this sentence.
Love before duty is a hopeless cause.
(Eomer's POV)
I refused to be afflicted by my sense of inadequacy. I reasoned that even if Lothiriel did not love me, she did not love me yet. Didn't I say before that one could find a way to love another in time?
But am I deceiving myself to think that she might find a way to love me? Even I had tried and failed before. Would she be able to do what I could not?
As I rode with her, she appeared to be rather aloof and distant. She made conversation with me but I was hopeless with the things she wanted to talk about. I felt very small as she talked about the things I could not relate to. Why couldn't she talk about horses, the war of the Ring or the affairs of state? I could have more intelligent conversations around these more important things of life.
Yet another problem bothered me. I said before that I would only marry for love. I would not force the princess to marry me if she did not love me. But how could she love me when there was no time for her to know me? And our conversations only made me look more stupid before her. We need more time together. But how could I have such time unless I ask her father for her hand? This is contrary to what I wished. I despise myself for going back on my word to her.
Then I noticed that she had stopped talking and was deep in thought over something. She looked confused and moody and the exuberance about her was gone. And somehow I wished that she would smile and be witty again. I wondered if there was something I could do to ease her and was engrossed in thinking about getting closer to her once more. Then she suddenly asked,
"King Eomer, would you know if we could stop for a while? It has been more than half a day since we left."
I mentally kicked myself as I realized that the ladies of Dol Amroth were probably not hardy riders and would not be able to ride long distances like us without stopping.
"I am so sorry that I have been so inattentive and inconsiderate. We will make a stop soon"
So we took a break from our journey. And the nearby fields were in bloom with simbelmynë.
(Lothiriel's POV)
Lana was very annoyed when I told her that Eomer knew of my true identity. I didn't want her to worry when we arrived at Dol Amroth.
"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" Lana asked in a hushed tone "I was thinking of the ways how to break the news to him all morning."
"I am sorry that you had to worry. But he only knew of it some three days or so."
"How did it all happen?" Lana asked and I told her as much I wanted her to know.
"Why didn't you tell me this, that night when you came back from the Ithilien?"
"It was very late and I was tired. Then the next day there was that secret admirer episode."
Lana did not ask me further but said
"If I may be so bold milady, is there something going on between you and King Eomer?"
I pursed my lips and did not say a word.
"Everyone could see that you were talking to him endlessly all this while……Do you like him?"
I didn't answer that question either but just glared at her.
"Well, I am sure he likes you on his part at least." continued Lana.
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, from the way he has been looking at you all this time we are talking. And see, he coming over to you!"
I glared at Lana once again and she understood that we should not talk anymore.
Eomer came up to me and Lana to make sure we were fine. He apologized profusely and was sorry that he forgot about the fact that we were not like the Rohhrim and needed rest. He also presented some unusual berries as a gesture of his apology.
"What are these?" Lana asked.
"They are wildberries that are only found here. My sister and I used pick them when we were in this vicinity. They are hard to find and I thought you might like to try them."
And so we tasted a few. It was simply awful.
"Oh, they are really sour!" I exclaimed. "It tastes terrible!" and wanted to spew them out immediately.
Eomer giggled as he watched us take to the berries. "It is not so bad. It starts out sour but if you wait a while, the aftertaste is sweet. It helps if you eat them slowly. Do have some more."
"These nasty berries . . . no thank you, King Eomer" Lana said and excused herself to get some water from the stream.
We were alone and Eomer looked at me.
"What about you, Lady Ariel? Would you like more?"
I looked at Eomer and saw that he was keen that I took a second helping. "It is an acquired taste. You will get used to it and like it." he urged.
And so I took a few more and ate them slowly. He was right. The berries didn't taste as bad as they did the first time.
"What about you? Aren't you eating them?" I said with my eyebrows raised looking at Eomer "I hope this is not some kind of joke you are playing on me." I threatened.
"Not at all. Ladies, first" he chuckled.
We ate the berries quietly for a while. Then Eomer said
"I wonder what happens if I do this." Then he grabbed a whole fistful of the berries and munched on them rather quickly. And I saw his face change. His eyes squinted and then opened up as wide as saucers. He opened his mouth and hung out his tongue. It seemed that his tongue was burning.
"Ow! Do you have any water here?" he panted. And so I passed him some water which he grabbed and gulped down. He looked so comical that I could not help but laugh.
"Well, that should get rid of the sting" he said with relief, wiping his mouth.
"So it stings?" I asked suspiciously. "I thought you said the berries were sweet."
"They are if you eat them one by one. But if you ate a whole bunch like what I just did, they sting in the mouth."
"Did you know that it will taste so bad?" I queried.
"No. I had no idea. I have never eaten them this way. Now I understand why we were told to eat them slowly when we were young."
"So why did you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Eat the nasty berries so quickly. Why did you do it?"
"I thought I should find out what it tastes like in a bunch." Eomer replied jovially. "And it seems I made you laugh. Was it funny?"
"Yes. It was. But don't do it again. I don't want you to entertain me at your expense."
"It is nothing at all. I would do it again if it makes you smile."
I didn't know how I should respond. Although I was not impressed with what he did, I was touched by his earnest sincerity that he cared if I should smile.
But I was totally unprepared with what he said next.
"I like to make you laugh, Lothiriel" Eomer whispered looking intently into me. "I want to make you happy."
His words and look sent me reeling inside. The sense of appreciation and care that he offered enveloped me and my heart felt warmed. I was happy but I was also afraid.
I looked away and said "Thank you, Eomer. You have been very kind today" with a coy smile.
And he was on another way to winning my heart. But my mind still remained unconvinced.
(Eomer's POV)
When we stopped to rest, I led the men to scout the area. The truth was that I really wanted to go with her but I did not want to attract unnecessary attention.
I decided to reveal Lothiriel's true identity to my men and instructed them to keep it to themselves. It was for her safety should something happen to me on the way. She may never forgive for doing this but one could never be too sure and the roads can still be dangerous.
By chance, we found some wild berries that were peculiar to the region. It had been a long time since I ate them and also thought Lothiriel might like to try some. I gathered as much as I could find for her.
It turned out that the berries provided me the excuse to go to her.
I just thought that I would leave my gift with the ladies. I was hoping that she would see from the gesture that I was thinking of her. Then Lana left us. I could not believe my good fortune that I could be with her alone.
Then for reasons beyond me, I did something stupid and made a fool of myself. And she laughed at me. It was not my plan but everything just came by the way. It felt good that I made her smile. My courage returned and I told her I want to make her happy.
She became shy at my remark which surprised me. There was a look of love and great contentment on Lothiriel's face. It was as if I had written her a poem and gave her a rose. The simplicity of being together was creating something precious.
"Thank you, Eomer. You have been very kind today." she replied and looked away out to the fields. I thought I had lost her attention. I seldom said such things and wondered if I was sounding stupid again.
I followed her gaze and asked "Do you know what those flowers are?"
"I think they are simbelmynë in your speech." she answered. And that led to a conversation about flowers.
To my surprise, Lothiriel was not like most women who were into flowers. She had no preference for them. Then I asked if she liked roses. I recalled she was so taken in with those.
"I don't really care for the roses actually. It was the idea of what the rose meant that I love." she explained. I began to realise that Lothiriel loves the idea behind things rather than the things themselves. To her all things are layered with symbols and meanings and she took great joy to discover them.
And I shared with her my view of flowers – that they are transient and highly impractical gifts.
She agreed with me but asked "But what if I really liked flowers? What would you do?"
"I will pick you a fresh one from the garden everyday for you."
"Why should you do that? I thought you did not like giving people flowers." she queried.
"I would if it makes you happy." I professed mildly.
She kept quiet for a while and then said "Do you have any idea what my name 'Lothiriel' means?" She wanted to change the subject and did not want to talk about us.
I wished I knew the answer but there is no sense in trying to hide my ignorance. I knew I missed the chance to impress her.
"No, I am afraid I do not. What does it mean?" came my honest reply.
"It means flower garlanded maiden" she replied. "Isn't it strange with such a name, I don't care for flowers." she said with a laugh and looked to the simbelmynë field once more.
Another thought came to my mind and I asked "Would you like to take a walk to see the simbelmynë fields?"
"Is there anything interesting out there?" she asked.
"I don't know but who knows what might be out there." I said.
"I understand that simbelmynë grows where the dead are buried." She was obviously very knowledgeable down to such details of Rohan.
"So are you afraid to walk among the dead?" I added. This was the second time I challenged her today.
"I am not afraid of the walk. But who knows what might be out there" she replied. "What about you – are you afraid?" At last her witty nature has returned.
I smiled at her and started to walk to the fields. We walked on our own till we came to a tree and sat down. I would have preferred to take her hand and lead her but I didn't want others to know what I felt about her. It wasn't the time.
But now under the tree – we were out of sight of the others. I started pulling the simbelmynë near my feet to make a small wreath.
"What are you doing?" she asked curiously.
"Something for you" I said. And in a while, the delicate ring of white flowers was complete.
I placed it on her head like a crown and said "Now you are truly Lothiriel."
She was delighted by my gesture and started to adjust the crown of flowers on her head.
"Oh! How does it look?" she inquired.
"Like my queen" and I kissed her on her forehead.
(Lothiriel's POV)
I was delighted that he made me a crown of flowers and called me his queen. After he placed the flowers on my head, he kissed them. Then he drew my face toward his and kissed me again on the lips.
Eomer always got bolder whenever we were alone.
And it became more impossible that I could hold anything against him. I realized that I enjoyed his companionship and his ability to help me take joy in simple things.
When the kiss broke, I asked if he planned everything to impress me.
"No, I don't know how to plan such things. I just did what it felt right to do".
"And what feels right to do now?" I asked in anticipation that he might try to kiss me again.
He did and asked "Is this the answer you want to your question?"
"Yes." I giggled.
He did not laugh with me but became rather serious. He looked at the simbelmynë on the ground. "Lothiriel" he started slowly "Will I ever win your heart?"
This was such a difficult question to answer, truthfully. My growing fondness of him still could not eradicate the hostility of my mind toward him. And so I said "Yes, but …."
"But?" he interrupted.
"My mind is not completely convinced." I answered with great reluctance. I was not sure how I could present the truth without hurting him. I could not bear to hurt or upset anyone especially Eomer.
"What do you mean?"
"I do wish that my husband would be a learned and intellectual companion. Someone who could understand my ideas. Someone I could learn from."
He did not answer for a long time and I didn't wish to talk about this further. It was really my own problem that I could not accept him for what he is.
"I am not and may never be such a man. Will it matter to you?" he asked.
I felt torn and was afraid of the honesty and the pain of truth. Yet I said,
"To some degree. When I cannot share what I truly love with you, I don't know if that is called love. "
I started to cry terribly suddenly. It was all that conflict of the mind and heart turning itself out. Why must I choose between the head and the heart? What could I do?
Eomer was greatly saddened by my crying and I saw his eyes brimming with tears as well. I became alarmed and was afraid that he might break down before me. I stopped myself from my weeping and asked "What is the matter, Eomer?"
"It is just very emotional. I feel sad that I cannot appreciate your gifts fully. I want to be what you need of me. You know I would do it if I could." Resignation and regret was heavy in the tone of his voice.
I just looked at him –so broken and vulnerable to me. If only I had the strength like him to will myself to love – we would be so happy.
"I am weak and selfish to say the least, Eomer. I do not know how to love you."
And I cried.
(Eomer's POV)
I was not afraid to face to the truth that I was not everything she wanted in her husband. She was obviously in great conflict and was slipping into a despair. How could she come to me when her heart and mind are not one?
If I could only help her see that we had to take time to develop this so called intellectual compatibility she was seeking, I know she would be mine. Although I was not confident that I could change and become the man of her dreams, I had a certain hope that she might come to love me. Her heart was more receptive toward me than I imagined. If only she will decide to love me. If I could help her find the reason.
"Of course you do" I started. "A part of you love me and that will grow in time. I will .. .. "
"But you don't understand it will not…."
"No, Lothiriel." I interjected. "You don't understand. You expect a love to be perfected in so little time. We hardly know each other but look close we really are in such a short time."
I spoke firmly to her hoping to appeal to her strong sense of rationality. If only she would find a reason to be willing to love me. But I didn't know what this reason was.
"Is it possible? We are so different." she finally asked and very doubtfully. "Don't you find some of the things I like and do unappealing to you?"
"Yes, of course."
And I was frank about the things we love but might never share with the other the passion for them. Such truth was discouraging and was drawing us apart. But the differences were never an issue to me – at least not on my part. She must know the truth.
"But I love you inspite of our differences. And now without even the hope that you care to love me" I stated in a voice that was choking with the fear of rejection.
"Lothiriel, I choose to love you for what you will be."
By this time, she had stopped crying and looked very thoughtful. I had no idea if I was able to convince her to see things my way.
(Lothiriel's POV)
He was waiting for me to decide if I would choose him.
I did not understand Eomer's love. His love is always about a choice and he always sought my choice above his own. It was as plain as he had said before that it will be up to me to decide. There was no control, manipulation or force he exercised. He wanted it to be entirely up to me. This was always his way and his perspective of love.
Eomer loved me because he choose to. The idea amazed me and was profound. There was much wisdom in him that remained hidden and unknown. And here was someone I could learn from.
After Eomer spoke, I was persuaded to look at love in a different way. Too long had I looked at who I wanted to love and not the person that might be as a result of my love.
I thought about what he said and it was true that we were closer despite of the lack of knowledge and time together. And if this was the seed of our love, what might the fruit be?
I rested my head on his chest and whispered, "Yes, I could love you for what you will be."
I decided I would choose him.