Letting Go and Finding Home - 1

Looking at the clock beside her bed Alexis swore quietly at the insistent knocking on her door at 9'oclock in the morning... on a Saturday morning no less. The night proved itself to be one of those you would like to forget. Kristina had run a high fever most of it with one of her recurring ear infections. Looking down she reached to brush the curls from away from her daughter's face who lay asleep across her upper body. Noting the small frown on her face, Alexis knew that this particular ear infection would require a heavier dose of antibiotics than the normal dosage she kept in the medicine cabinet.

She rolled her eyes as the sound of the intrusive knock sounded again on her door. Carefully rolling onto her side she gently disengaged herself from her daughters arms then moved away while pulling the comforter up over the tiny shoulders of her daughter before standing. Leaning down she placed a featherlike kiss on Kristina's forehead then turned quickly to hopefully put an end to the idea that it was okay to pound on someone's door at the crack of dawn. Arriving at the door she peered through the privacy hole and expelled an exasperated sigh. Unlocking the door she swung it open and stood stiffly glaring at her unwanted visitor.

"Can we talk, Alexis?"

"Who are you? Joan Rivers?"

Ric sighed heavily. Would she ever stop long enough to see he was trying to play it straight with her before lashing out at him?

"It's important, Alexis."

"It damn well better be, Ric at 9 o'clock in the morning when I've just spent a very restless night with a sick child. You have two minutes to state your case and leave. I have to get Kristina ready to go in to see her doctor."

An immediate frown settled across Ric's face as his concern for his niece grew.

"Go... get her ready. This will wait. Tell me what I can do to help."

Alexis took a faltering step backward as the intensity of Ric's concern startled her. Why should he care so much, she asked herself and found the words out of her mouth before she could stop them.

"Why, Ric? Why would you want to do anything to help in a situation you are clearly not wanted in?"

Stepping over the threshold, Ric reached for the door and stepped aside as he closed it behind him. The act giving him time to cover the guilt he felt over the paternity secret he was keeping from her while trying to find a way to explain his concern. Turning back to face her, he smiled wanly then did his best to alleviate her unease.

"Look, I'm just trying to help. You look a little worse for wear. In fact, you look like you could fall over any second from exhaustion. And if I don't help then I won't be able to explain the reason I came over here this morning."

"So it really is all about you, isn't it Ric? Who cares if a two year old just spent a very fitful night trying to find the most comfortable position to sleep in that wouldn't compound the pain she was already having to deal along with a mother who forever hovers like a hover any time her child feels any distress whatsoever."

"Hovers like a hover, Alexis?"

Alexis felt the heat of her anger rise dramatically and forced herself to calm down.

"Don't you dare start antagonizing me this morning, Ric Lansing? I am not one who believes that violence can settle disputes, but I can guarantee you right now... you let one more adverse word come out of that mouth of yours and I won't be responsible for my actions."

Before she turned her head away from him to hide her errant emotions, Ric witnessed the telltale sign of just how exhausted she was. Her unshed tears cut through his heart like blades of steel. He stepped closer and reached for her arm... her immediate response to pull away forced him to hold tighter and draw her with him toward the sofa.

"Sit down, Alexis. Don't argue, just sit down for a moment and relax."

She hesitated a moment, but her emotions were getting the best of her due to her lack of sleep and worry over Kristina. She relented and allowed him to gently push her down into the softness of the sofa. If her exhaustion weren't so pronounced she would have blushed at the memory of her pulling him down on top of her while initiating a heated kiss only a few weeks before when her unintentional inebriation took on a life of its own. Her thoughts were however disrupted at the sound of her daughter crying out in a way that told her Kristina was feeling the effects of the infection inside her ear once again. She groaned as she tried to stand knowing that there would be no rest for her until Kristina was once again settled. And the only way that was going to happen was to get her ready for a visit to the doctor. She was so intent on reaching her daughter that the hands reaching for her startled her and she jumped away from Ric. She looked up just in time to see the look of hurt before he had time to hide his reaction.

"Let me get her and bring her to you, Alexis. I won't hurt her, but you need to stay here and rest as much as you can."

"I can't, Ric. I have to get her ready to go. I have to take her in to see her doctor. The medication I have isn't strong enough to combat the infection this time. Please just go and let me take care of my daughter."

Standing in front of him, he saw her sway and quickly reached for her. He was at a loss as to how to help her. She needed rest and Kristina needed to get to the doctor. In a sudden burst of enlightenment he realized how he could them both.

"Come on, then. We'll take care of the problem together."

He heard her chuckle derisively and stared down at her for a moment before responding. If she were going to be able to make it through the next couple of hours he figured the best thing to do would be to get her exasperated as possible if not downright angry with him.

"Is it that you don't trust me or you don't trust yourself around me? Or perhaps you're too afraid you're going to be too mesmerized by my closeness to take care of the situation."

He didn't try to stop the hand that suddenly flew toward his face landing perfectly across his cheek. He didn't smile or frown. He simply continued his quest to help her anyway he could.

"Go get Kristina ready to go while I make a pot of coffee. Then I'll drive you both to the hospital."

Alexis glared at Ric a moment and somehow finally understood what he was trying to do for her. She blushed with embarrassment, muttered a soft apology then moved past him to take him up on his offer of help.

An hour later, Ric found himself holding Alexis in his arms as she dealt with the fact that her precious daughter would once again be forced to suffer through another operation.

"Alexis, they're not going to do the operation today. You're being given a little time to deal with the whole thing. We're going to take Kristina home with us and get her temperature down and the infection under control before she has to come back for the operation."

"They're going to put tubes in her ears, Ric."

His heart broke at the raw pain he heard in her voice there only because she believed her daughter was once again paying the price for the circumstances of her early birth. He tried his best to comfort her.

"I know, Alexis. But don't you think that's better than Kristina having to suffer every week or so with another infection. This is going to fix her ear problem, Alexis. No more restless nights or nights filled with pushing medication down her throat. This is different than having her heart operated on. This is an immediate relief of a bad situation that keeps causing your daughter to suffer."

He was just spewing words that sounded right not putting any faith at all in what he was saying. Ric was just hoping that he soothing talk would help Alexis pull herself together in order to complete the task at hand with as much dignity as possible. Looking up he saw Bobbie returning with Kristina and gently took Alexis' arms and pulled her away from him.

"Hey, here's Bobbie coming with Kristina now."

Her fear was more than any he had ever witnessed in anyone before, but the immediate transformation from fear to the essence of motherhood at the arrival of her daughter stunned him. When Alexis gently pulled her daughter from Bobbie's arms, there was not a hint of fear on her face; her voice was steady and sure as she spoke softly to the child. She barely acknowledged his presence as she walked past him toward the exit. There was no room for anything else in her heart or mind except getting her daughter home, settled and safe. He marveled at the total single-mindedness of Alexis when it came to the welfare of her daughter. He followed her out... speechless.

She wanted to lean on Ric's strength. She was being called upon again to be strong for her daughter under extreme circumstances just like so many times before. And she was tired... so very tired of being the strong one... of not having someone to stand beside her and support her... someone who was there just for her... who cared enough to be a source of comfort for a woman who desperately needed a shoulder to lean on, but was too proud to show any weakness.

Tucking the soft blanket around her sleeping daughter's shoulders, Alexis leaned down and kissed her softy. "We just don't seem to be able to get away from those mean old doctor's do we, sweetheart. But this operation is going to make you feel so much better. Hang with me just one more time, my angel. We can do this... just the two of us. Together we are strong, my little one." She sensed him behind her and turned slowly toward him a look of defiance on her face. She didn't need him no matter how much her heart might tell her otherwise. He was a nuisance she could do without.

"Why don't you take a nap while she's sleeping, Alexis?"

"No. I'm fine. I'll just sit with her in case she wakes up and needs something."

Ric saw her tense as he walked quietly toward her. How could he assure her that all he wanted was to help? The many mistakes that he made since coming to Port Charles suddenly caused his step to falter. 'Why was he here? What could 'he' do that could ever make a difference in how this woman viewed him?' His head tilted downward slightly and just before his chin made contact with his chest he saw her legs give way. Reaching out he caught her just before she hit the floor.

"Enough is enough, Alexis. You need rest. Please let me help you. You can't take care of her the way you need to if you pass out."

Alexis struggled weakly to extract herself from his arms unaware of the tears of exhaustion slipping quietly down her face. "Let me go, Ric. I'm fine."

Losing his patience, Ric's voice raised before he could hold his tongue. "NO, You're NOT fine, Alexis."

Finding a bit of strength she was unaware she possessed, Alexis wrenched herself free from him and whispered menacingly. "Lower your voice Ric Lansing. I will not have you raising your voice around my daughter... and you will definitely not attack me in front of my daughter no matter what your provocation."

Realizing his mistake, Ric's shoulders slumped a little. "I'm sorry, Alexis. I didn't mean to raise my voice. I'm just worried that you've just about gone as far as you can. I just want to help. Let me help you, Alexis. Let me sit here with Kristina while you go rest a while. I promise you I won't leave her side and if she wakes up or anything I promise to wake you."

She looked at him warily for a few moments before responding. "Why, Ric? Why do you want to help? What are you up to and what do you expect in return?"

"I guess I deserve that. But, for once in my life, there's nothing I'm looking to gain here. I just want to help. That's all."

Suddenly remembering that her day began with Ric Lansing on her doorstep, Alexis took a step backward away from him.

"What brought you here this morning, Ric?"

Ric did not want to broach the subject of his original reason for wanting to see her this morning. Not yet. Not under these circumstances. But, he knew she would not let it go so he did his best to alleviate her concerns.

"There is something that I would like to discuss with you, but after all that has happened so far today I really don't think it would be appropriate to discuss it now."

"Why? If it was important enough for you to find your way to my doorstep at 9 o'clock this morning, then I'm moderately sure that it is probably still important to you. And I'm just wondering if your sudden need to help my daughter and I is going to cost me more than I can afford to pay?"

He didn't blame her for her wariness. In fact, he would have been surprised if she wasn't. But, what he wanted from her was so personal that he was willing to do whatever was necessary to get a willing audience from her even if it were only a brief 5 minutes.

"Tell you what... you go take your nap... I'll watch over Kristina until you wake... then I'll tell you what I wanted when I came to see you this morning. If after you hear me out, you want to throw me out... I'll go and not bother you again. How's that?"

Her eyes glazed a bit as she listened to him. That was the telltale sign that her body was on its last leg. She needed to rest and with Kristina asleep both from her own lack of sleep as well as the mild sedative Bobbie administered before they left the hospital; this was the perfect time for her to take care of herself. Looking down at her sleeping child she leaned over and kissed her once more then stood back up and stared at Ric for a moment before finally addressing him.

"Please don't make me regret trusting you, Ric. There are not very many left in my life where I can still find a measure of trust that I can rely on. Prove me wrong, Ric. Prove to me that just for this one afternoon I can trust you with the most precious part of my life."

There were tears in her eyes. It was almost as if she needed this... needed to be able to trust him above all others in this one instance.

"For this one afternoon, Alexis! I'll be my mother's son, the one I should have been all along. Go rest. Let me do this for you."

He watched her slowly turn for one last look at her daughter, a brief touch then walked to the door. She stopped and looked back at him once, before continuing on her eyes pleading with him to not let her down. He heard the springs of her mattress, as she laid down then all was quiet except for the tiny sound of his niece's quiet breathing. He never noticed the one lone tear that fell from his cheek as he took his place in the rocker beside the most precious part of her life.