Letting Go and Finding Home - 2

Ric stood quietly beside her bed watching the slow even breaths that proved she was still sleeping deeply. It amazed him that all of the telltale signs of exhaustion were now gone and the harsh lines of worry had faded away. She was beautifully free inside the walls of slumber and her face proved it. Three hours had passed since she left him watching over her daughter while she stole a peaceful respite from worry. Hearing Kristina stir he turned swiftly and returned to her room. He smiled when he approached her crib and saw her sitting up. A smile that faded quickly when she looked up and found him reaching for her instead of her mother and began to fuss. He quickly began running through ideas about how to calm the increasingly agitated child. The conclusion he finally came to wasn't ingenious, it was just pure common sense and would solve two problems at once.

"Would you like to see your mommy, Kristina? Want me to take you to your mommy?"

Picking her up and holding her close to his chest, Ric held his breath afraid that she would cry out and wake Alexis before he could get into her room with Kristina. He desperately needed to prove to Alexis that she was not wrong in trusting her daughter with him for such a brief time. Looking into the child's eyes as he turned back toward the door, his breath caught in his lungs. Eyes that once looked up at him from the pages of a little boy's scrapbook were now looking at him through the eyes of this child. With his voice cracking he smiled and whispered.

"You have your grandmother's eyes, Kristina. Can you see my mother in my eyes the way I can see her in yours?" He spoke with a soft melodic tone to his voice that somehow reached Kristina and she finally smiled at him and lay her head down on his shoulder; her tiny arm finding it's way around his neck. There were too many emotions racing through him... he needed to release this child into her mother's care and get the hell out of there before he did something he might regret. Turning he willed himself to continue talking softly to the child in his arms as he began berating himself mercilessly for every wrongful act he ever committed just to keep the tears that were so close to the edge from falling. His chance to be a son was lost to him... his mother was gone... as was his father. That's the way it was and he needed to learn to live with it... somehow.

Rounding the corner into Alexis' bedroom he once again stood beside her bed looking down at her relaxed face. Looking back at the child in his arms he felt his heart tear a little more. The bond between this woman and her child only served to make his heart ache that much more for the loss of his own mother and the fire and rage he was so accustomed to began to take over once more. Leaning down he placed Kristina beside Alexis and lay a hand on her shoulder gently shaking her once.

"Alexis? Alexis!"

He watched her stir and finally open her eyes. She looked toward him as her arms automatically pulled her daughter closer. His heart tore a bit more.

In the groggy aftermath of sleep, Alexis looked up and met Ric's eyes. An errant gasp left her throat at what he was unable to hide when his eyes met hers. Alexis saw so much that he wasn't aware she could see. She saw his hurt, a pain that ran so deep and consuming that all he could do to combat it's hold on him was to feed the raging fire that kept him from succumbing to the pain. Just as his eyes left hers and settled on her daughter she saw them soften a bit and understood so much more than he could ever have told her with words. Ric desperately needed something of worth in his life; something he could hold onto that wasn't about hate or revenge or loss. Ric was drowning and he needed a life raft to keep him from disappearing into the sea of darkness that now surrounded him. She watched him reach toward Kristina and run his finger softly down her cheek then turn to go.

"Ric?"

"I... I need to get to the office, Alexis. There are some loose ends I need to tie up there on a few cases I was working on. I'll call and check in with you in a couple of hours and see if you need anything. Is that okay, with you?"

Alexis picked Kristina up and swinging her feet to the floor stood and slowly approached Ric. His face was once more a mask that she couldn't read.

"No, Ric. That's not okay. What happened while I was asleep? Something's changed... you... I mean there's something going on with you."

He mentally backed away from her. Ric did not want Alexis to know just how mentally deranged he thought himself to be in that moment. And the best way to keep that from happening was to get away from her and stay away until he could put everything back in it's place where he wasn't so threatened by it all. Then he could come back and take care of them.

"There's nothing going on, Alexis. I just got a call from the office and there are a few things I need to clear up. I'll be back in a while and I'll bring you girls some dinner so you don't have to worry about anything but taking care of Kristina. That's all, Alexis. I won't be long."

She knew he was hedging. She knew it because she could recognize it as one of her own escape devices. Whatever was bothering him was big. And somehow she knew that now was not the right time to pressure him into talking to her. It wasn't very clear to her how she knew, but something else that she was seeing in him told her that for now she needed to respect his wishes and let him go.

"All right, Ric. But you don't have to come back. Kristina and I will be fine. I'll call Kelly's and have something delivered for dinner. Thank you for taking care of Kristina for me. I think we've got everything under control now and Viola will probably be calling sometime later to check on Kristina. So you go ahead and take care of what you need to. We'll be fine."

She watched a look of immense sadness wash across his face before he turned to go and she reached out and caught his arm. She was puzzled by his reaction.

"Ric?"

"No, it's okay, Alexis. I don't know why I just assumed that you wouldn't mind me helping you out. It's okay. I understand. I'll just see you later. You can call if you need anything."

Alexis was frustrated. Why should she want to help him so much? With everything that he put her through over the past few weeks, she should want him out of her life. But, here she stood wanting to do what she could for him. But, his responses to her were conflicting... contradictory.

"You're sending me quite a few mixed signals, Ric. I don't know what to do or say... how to help you. But I can see that you think you need a little space right now. I don't know whether to insist you stay or let you go. If you really do need to go then that's fine. We can talk later."

Ric was in serious danger of losing control of his emotions and he needed an escape in the worst way. Regardless of the words she chose to use to give him his 'space'... what he heard was her rejection of him. He couldn't let her see how much her words were affecting him. He couldn't risk letting her know just how much he needed a bit of normalcy in his life. Gently extracting his arm from her grasp, he smiled wanly then leaned forward and kissed Kristina on the cheek then drawing back he gazed at Alexis for a moment before leaning toward her and placing a chaste kiss on her cheek as well.

"Thank you for letting me help today. I'll see you later."

She watched him walk to the door as though he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. For some reason unknown to her she was suddenly afraid to let him walk out the door.

"No, Ric. Don't you step one foot outside that door. I don't know why I let you get to me, but you're not going anywhere. In fact, here... take Kristina while I go order something from Kelly's."

"I can't stay, Alexis. I..."

"I know. You have loose ends to tie up at work. Well, you have loose ends to tie up right here as well. And today Kristina and I take priority. So go sit down in the living room and let Kristina play her little game of 'I can render you bald within 5 minutes' by pulling all of your hair out while I go take care of dinner. Then you and I are going to sit down and talk. You helped me this morning; I help you this afternoon."

"NO. I can't." He immediately realized his mistake in raising his voice and apologized. "I'm sorry, Alexis. I didn't mean to shout. Please just let me go to the office for a while."

Accepting his sincere apology, Alexis focused on the quiet plea she heard in his voice and knowing she should probably just let him go found she couldn't. Reaching up she placed the palm of her hand against his cheek and smiled into his eyes before they closed tight against her searching.

"I want you to stay for a while, Ric. Can you do that? Can you let go of that damn office and all that ties you to it just for one evening and just spend some time with Kristina and I? Can you do that?"

Opening his eyes and looking down into hers, Ric saw her concern for him and it almost became his undoing. If the bundle of excitement in her arms had not picked that moment to launch herself into his arms he would have been able to say no and make his escape. But his beautiful niece, choosing that moment to snuggle into his arms was his downfall. Wrapping his arms around the child he held her close and again a tear left his vigil and found its way down his cheek. Turning swiftly so Alexis wouldn't see, he forced a laugh past the lump in his throat.

"I guess I don't have much say in the matter any more. It seems that your daughter doesn't see the monster the rest of the world sees when they look at me. Can't take a chance on messing that up, now can I?"

Alexis wasn't fooled for a moment by the forced brevity she heard in Ric's voice. He was in trouble and somehow her daughter had sensed it and was doing her part in helping him get through it. If her daughter could find something of value in Ric Lansing, then just maybe... so could she.