Alone in the darkness
By Amber Cloud
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
The Darkness…
He sat in the darkness, unable to find the words. He had them before, he knew them, but then he sat in the darkness and couldn't find them. He could feel her presence here, in the ghosts of the dark room that she had called the office. For him this room was the last stand before his new life.
Books had told him of the rituals, the meanings and the expectations of the afterlife. This life, this simplistic reality that he had craved so much after seeing the other side didn't tell you a word about the empty pain that followed a death. Ascending had been a dream for him and a nightmare for his friends, they were so used to him coming back it was almost routine. They didn't have a clue that he felt their pain as well.
Janet didn't deserve to go this way. She had been the caregiver to them all. She had healed the cuts, the burns, and held them close when they needed it. She had held him when the rest of them didn't know, in those long hours before he ascended. He didn't want her to suffer like he did; he didn't want her to be in the pain that he had been in. Maybe Oma was right, he wasn't ever ready for the life of the Ascended.
There was pain on the other side. The pain of seeing your friends in trouble and not being able to raise a finger to help them. The rules being broken to help your friends meant certain banishment, but after a while, the rules simply didn't matter. Good people died. That was a fact of this life.
He remembered screaming her name andbegging every god he knew to send a medic then and there because she didn't deserve to die. Not this way. She had helped him die, not willing to let him go quickly because if there was any possible way he could stay there, with her and the team, she would move heaven and earth to keep him on this plane of existence. He saw her private tears when he knew there was no hope.
Heaven and earth gave her the wrong number and he moved on. His death was his choice, hers was merely accidental. It hurt to have been there and be helpless. She was gone before she hit the ground and he had wished for that one moment to see her spirit leave.
The reflection you give the mirror is not the one you give yourself.
He knew that thought would make Oma proud. He was hurting and he wasn't showing it. The realization that he had taped her death ate at him. He had reviewed the tape, curling up into a ball when he realized how horrific her death was. There was nothing he could have done to save her. The pitiful screams he had for a medic ate at his memories as the silent tears fell unbidden.
At least he was alone. And at least it was dark.
What on god's green earth did Bergman want with him now…? He gave him the tape and he sure as hell wasn't going to give him his soul.
He stood up to greet the somber reporter.