Chapter 18

Alexis leaned against the doorway of the hall watching Ric move quietly around the room. Her mind was recapturing the thoughts that invaded her quiet time closeted behind the door of his bathroom, settled deep within a bath full of penetrating heat and bubbles. There was something so intimately enticing about finding herself in Ric's apartment in such a vulnerable state of undress as she remembered how inviting he looked with his shirt soaked and clinging to his body like a second skin. The captivating visual of the two of them sharing the delights hidden beneath a sea of bubbles caused her cheeks to redden even more than the heat infusing her body by the gentle caress of the water. Where did this unbridled passion for him come from she questioned herself in awe. However it happened, it was quickly taking control of her; rendering her incapable of thinking clearly whenever he was within reach of her starving hands. The unexpected passion she felt deep inside for him stunned her. It was raw, hungry, unrelenting and completely foreign to her. Never, in any past relationship had she experienced something so primeval, so recklessly forbidden. 'Forbidden?' She frowned at the word that came uninvited… why would she think of what she felt for Ric as forbidden? Her musings were suddenly interrupted as she heard her name called softly from across the room and her eyes once again found him waiting… arm stretched out toward her beckoning her to join him. Without thought, without hesitation, she closed the distance between them and slipped her hand into his.

She was a vision standing there across the room wrapped haphazardly within the confines of his terrycloth robe. It almost swallowed her and he grinned at the sight of the arms folded up at least 4 times in order for her hands to remain free. He wondered briefly why she chose the robe over the sweatshirt and pants he laid out for her. He was grateful for whatever it was that drove her choice toward the robe since it left him with the charming sight of her bare feet peeking out from beneath the hem of his over-sized robe. She was lost in thought; her eyes fixed on him without really seeing him. He called and raised his hand to call her closer. His heart jumped at the feel of her hand softly finding its way into his. He could feel the heat and softness of her skin made all the more so by the bath she just left. Her hair was partially pinned up and the damp tendrils that fell down the sides of her face called for his care. He reached up and separated the strands from her skin, his fingers tingling at the softness of her cheeks under his touch. He smiled.

"Come here." He whispered softly. "I want you to sit down in front of the fire. It's warm and your hair needs to dry before you get chilled again."

She let him lead her to the hearth and he held onto her as she lowered herself to the floor. He released her hands and turned back toward his bedroom.

"I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable."

Alexis settled back against the large cushion leaning against the couch and focused her gaze on the flames that licked up and around the aged stone logs that conveniently replaced the more bothersome wood logs. She suddenly found herself wishing for the aromatic scent of conventional wood burning logs. She looked up when she felt Ric rejoin her.

"I know it's safer and less messy for the apartment complex to build stone logs into their fireplaces, but don't you sometimes miss the nostalgic smell of wood burning?"

Ric smiled down at her and stepped closer to the fireplace. "Yes, I do miss that particular aroma at times. That's why I decided to buy these." He reached up to the mantle and retrieved a match. Lighting it he then touched it to the tip of a candle on each side of the hearth. He watched her smile as the aroma of burning wood began to fill the room.

"You're cheating." She replied with a soft laughter.

"Maybe a little, but I doubt you'll hold it against me this time."

She laughed softly again and reached up to grasp his hand to pull him down beside her. "You're right. This time, I won't hold it against you."

She watched as he reached behind his back and grew curious as he retrieved a brush from his back pocket. "What are you up to?"

Ric smiled again and sat down beside her. "Come here." He patted the floor between his spread legs.

The look of curiosity on her face deepened into wariness as she again questioned him. "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what you're up to, Ric." To sit between Ric's legs was not a position she was ready to find herself in; especially with the sensually erotic visions that were now becoming so prevalent in her mind.

Ric's face fell as he watched her become what he interpreted as distant and wary of his motives. "I was just going to brush your hair out so that it will dry quicker, Alexis. I wasn't going to assault you or anything."

The hurt in his voice struck a chord deep inside and as her eyes closed against the wounded look in his as her head fell forward with guilt. "I'm sorry, Ric. I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean…" She looked up into his eyes and reached toward him. She let her fingers find the frown on his face and she tried to caress it away. But he wasn't ready to let go of the hurt yet and her fingers finally drifted softly down his cheek before falling uselessly into her lap, grieved that she was unable to erase the damage."

They both sat in awkward silence for a few moments and then Alexis looked over at him a sad worried look on her face. She was afraid of what she was feeling… of what she saw in his eyes when he looked at her. She needed answers.

"What are we doing, Ric?"

He knew what she was talking about. He had asked himself that very thing more times than he could remember. He gave her honesty.

"I don't know, Alexis. All I know is that I can't imagine my life without you anymore. I don't want to. This is…" he stopped, unsure of himself. Her feather-light touch on his arm gave him courage. "I've been struggling with why I have this need to be close to you. There is so much about me that is wrapped up in my past… I've started questioning just who it is I think I am and what business do I have insinuating myself into your life." His eyes focused on the curve of her shoulder to keep her from seeing too much within the depths of his troubled eyes. He felt her draw a deep breath in preparation to interrupt. "No, Alexis please. Let me do this… let me get this said before I lose it."

She couldn't bear the anguish in his voice. She wanted desperately to take back her misinterpreted actions, but she just wasn't ready. She wasn't ready for him to know how much he was affecting her on a physical level much less an emotional one. And she was frightened of what he seemed determined to tell her. She interrupted him again. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. You just wanted to help and I reacted badly. It's normal for me to question everyone's actions in regard to any attempt to help me.

"I'm not everyone, Alexis. This… you..." He choked on the lump in his throat and swallowed hard to rid himself from its grip. Taking a deep breath he tried again to defend himself. "I thought you were finally seeing me… seeing that I'm trying my best to be better… to change. I thought you were beginning to believe in me… trust me."

Whatever resistance she still held onto crumbled beneath his need for her to see the man he was desperately trying to become. "I know you are, Ric. And I do believe in you. I really do. I've seen what you've accomplished and I am proud of you. That was just a silly knee-jerk reaction on my part. I promise you that it's… it's not how I really feel." With that Alexis pulled her legs beneath her and raised herself up onto her knees. She moved between his legs and sat back down with her back to him giving him complete access to her wet hair. She dropped her head to hide her face from him… preferring that he not be able to see her reluctance when she finally gave him more than she had ever given anyone before. "It's just as hard for me to change as it is for you. But, I'm… I'm willing to try, Ric."

Her words were whisper soft and filled with apprehension. His heart hurt for her. The guilt for hurting him was evident in the sag of her shoulders, but what concerned him most was his reaction to her wariness… to allow it to take him to a place that would force her to give more than she was ready to give. It shamed him. He understood how questioning yourself could send you reeling and overturn the tenuous balance you fought to keep on your life. Alexis needed to be freed from the guilt that was now weighing on her for hurting him. He reached up and unclasped the clip holding her hair up and started to speak to her quietly as he began to gently brush out her hair.

"I guess I'm still pretty sensitive about the man who walked into Port Charles several years ago. When I look at him now… he makes me sick… ashamed that I let myself get so messed up. I guess I hang on to him as a reminder of what can happen to a man when he lets hate take control of his life. But in keeping him so close all the time… I tend to give him more attention than I should."

He continued to draw the brush through the strands of her hair as he tried to explain the thoughts that kept him so confused and hesitant where she was concerned.

"He scares me, Alexis. Even now when I'm beginning to see what life is like without him. His hate… I don't feel it controlling me anymore, but I can't help but question which man continues to knock on your door day after day. He was so much a part of me… in the beginning he wanted to use you to finally achieve what he spent his life preparing for. But when I'm with you, he doesn't seem to be able to affect me as much as he does when I'm alone.'

She tried to turn and face him… to try and make him see that he wasn't that man anymore. But, he quickly placed his hands on her shoulders and stilled her movement.

"No… I need to do this. I need you to know what's been going on in my head so you can run if you want to. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to run just as far away as you could. But, I'm asking you to wait… just hear me out. There's more and I just need you to listen."

"But, Ric…"

"No, Alexis. Please… just let me get this out."

She desperately needed him to know she wasn't afraid of him. "But I don't see that man in you anymore."

Ric pulled her back against him and placed his lips close to her ear. "Right now it doesn't matter if you see him or not. I feel him. He's inside me, taunting me… trying to make me believe that there is still something dishonest about my intentions toward you. I have to silence him, Alexis. I have to find a way to silence him so that he is no longer a threat to us. Please, Alexis. Can I ask you to just listen to me for a moment? It's important! Not just to me, but to you as well. To what's going on between us… to what is scaring us so much about the possibility of becoming more."

He pushed her away just enough to be able to continue brushing her hair as he continued to explain the war in his head.

"This morning before I came to your place. I stood in my bathroom and looked in the mirror and what I saw made me start questioning myself again. I don't want there to be anything between us that could eventually make you start questioning who I am now… or who I'm trying to become. I need to be a man you can depend on… a man that won't hurt you… I need to know that for once in my life I stepped up to the plate and made a difference in someone's life. A positive difference."

He dropped the brush he held and his hands fell to her shoulders gently turning her to face him.

"And then I was suddenly knocking on your door and there were still those nagging doubts weighing me down. And when you finally opened the door it was like nothing else mattered. The only thing I wanted was for you to see me… see that I want nothing more than to be a man you can trust… a man who finds you beautiful and desirable. I wanted so much from you in that one moment and I just…" His voice faltered. "I couldn't tell you why I suddenly found myself on your doorstep 2 hours early. All I knew was that I needed to see you… I needed to be near you… I needed to prove to myself that the ghost of that man that walked into Port Charles 2 years ago was nothing more than a demon that could finally be exorcised. And you made me want to be rid of him… you and my beautiful niece."

She was stunned by his words. She could see so much turmoil and need in his eyes. It frightened her to find out how much he needed from her. It frightened her almost as much as her own need of him terrified her. But his honesty allowed her the freedom to delve into her own fears and release them into his care just as he had released his own into her care. She reached up and drew her fingers softly down both sides of his face.

"Do you know what got me through today, Ric? What gave me the strength to do what needed to be done?"

His eyes rested on her face unwilling to look elsewhere. "What?"

Alexis reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out the small photo that she had reached for several times during the day. "This is what gave me the strength to face Sonny. Look at the man in this picture, Ric."

His eyes briefly left her and found his own mud-covered face looking back at him. His focus quickly shifted to the little girl held close in his arms. "She fills my heart with more love than I ever thought I was capable of."

Looking back down at the photo she made sure his eyes followed her as she pointed to his glossy reflection. "And 'he' fills my heart with more trust than I thought I was ever capable of. Ric, I left my daughter in your care today. Whenever the situation became unbearable, I reached into my pocket and touched this photo. It grounded me and reminded me of what was important. And I don't just mean my daughter. Ric, you were just as much a part of what happened today as Kristina and myself were. You are a part of us now and that's something I never want to lose."

He reached for her hands and enclosed them within his own. He hesitated a moment then asked the question that had been bothering him. "What were you doing on the docks, Alexis? You were so lost in thought that you didn't even see or hear the storm coming."

She smiled with regret and leaned forward to rest her head against his for brief moment. She wanted him to know what drove her to the docks but she wasn't sure she could open up to him that much. It would give him too much insight into her thoughts. She leaned back and sighed heavily before looking back up into his patient eyes. His heart, his fear and his needs were now hers because he was courageous enough to take a chance. Could she give him any less?

"I wanted to see you… needed to be with you. But I knew that I couldn't face you until everything with Sonny was finally settled. I needed to let go of him before I could be with you. Do you remember when I told you about the time he took me to Puerto Rico?"

"Yes. You said it was… transcendent. It was the one thing that you wouldn't take back throughout your relationship with him. I know now that your answer was just an attempt to keep me from the truth about Kristina, but I also know that your time with him there was very special to you."

"Yes it was." She whispered and drew a deep breath before continuing. "I brought something back with me that I have treasured and kept safely locked away since that trip. I took it with me to the docks this afternoon. It was my last remaining tie to the relationship I shared with Sonny outside of my daughter. I let go of that relationship this afternoon. It's now floating somewhere on the bottom of the river."

"You did that? For me? That's why you said what you did when I found you! You asked me how I knew you needed me!"

"Yes. I did. When I watched that blue chip sink beneath the waves all I wanted was to see you. There's not a lot I'm sure about at this point, but I know I don't want there to be any question in your mind about what Sonny means to me. But, I also need you to know that the man I spent that one night with is not the man we both know today. I will always miss the gentle man who fathered my child, but he's gone now and you will never have a reason to question my feelings for him ever again. I wish with all my heart you could have known the man I cared for during that time. I believe he would have been the brother you've always needed and wanted."

Ric pulled her into his arms and rocked her back and forth gently as his eyes filled with tears of regret. He wondered if he would have given Sonny a chance to be a brother to him given the hate he had always lived with. His care of her stilled as she leaned back and fixed her eyes on the pocket of the silk robe he wore. He became concerned at the look of hurt on her face. It was more pronounced than any he had ever witnessed before in her.

"What is it, Alexis?"

She drew a ragged breath and released it slowly before looking up into his concerned eyes. "I wish I didn't have to tell you… but, as the DA you need to know. As his brother…" She stopped to steal herself to continue. "I never wanted to add to the already volatile relationship you share with him. But, you need to know that he threatened my life today. Not only mine, but Dara's as well."

His anger morphed instantaneously. To keep her from seeing it, he pulled her back into his arms until he could control it.

Alexis wasn't fooled by his response. She knew his anger was raging uncontrollably. She could feel it in the tremor of his arms around her. She drew herself closer to him and encircled him with her arms.

"Don't let him do this to you, Ric. He's gone. We do not have to worry about Sonny anymore. I turned all of the files over to the FBI. Our part in what happens to Sonny is over. He is out of our lives now and I need you to calm down. Please don't let him do this to you… to us." She felt his arms tighten around her and then his chest rose against hers as he filled his lungs with air. He released it slowly and as he did his arms loosened around her.

"I'm sorry. For him to threaten your life… the anger was there before I had a chance to gain control over it."

"I know. I expected you to get angry…"

He looked closely at her. "But, you're not! Why?"

"Because I'm tired of all the anger and fighting. I'm tired of expecting him to be someone he'll never be again. I had to give up on Sonny today. I've never done that to anyone except a select few in my own family. It tears at your heart to realize that in order to really let go of someone you have to give up hope that they will ever be what you need them to be. Giving up hope is not easy for me. It never has been. Until today, I always retained a little hope where Sonny was concerned." She sniffed and gently lay her hand on Ric's heart needing the feel of life under her palm. She reached up with her other hand and caught the bridge of her nose between her fingers trying to still the tears that were threatening. He had to lean closer to hear her whisper. "In the end, I gave him all I could and walked away."

Seeing her pain, his own eyes filled as Ric reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled a torn picture from its depth. "You gave him the knowledge of his daughter after you took yourself out of the picture?"

She looked at the torn picture of herself and a sad tear finally found an escape from the corner of her eye. "He was handcuffed by that time. And he wouldn't accept the picture until I had torn my face from his sight. That was when I finally gave up on him. I hugged him and kissed his cheek then walked away. The Sonny I knew is gone and today I buried what remained of him beneath angry waves."

He pulled her into his arms and allowed her to mourn the loss of a man she once cared for very deeply. And as her arms closed around him, Ric mourned the loss of his brother. Together they let go of a man who for the past few years had caused them nothing but pain and heartache.

Minutes later when her tears were dry, Alexis leaned back to look at Ric. His head was down and she could see the tracks of tears down his cheeks. Lifting her hand she cupped his chin and urged him to look up. When he finally brought his eyes up to meet hers they smiled briefly, understanding that this was a moment that they would always share and remember. They would always remember it as the moment they buried their past and its heartbreak. It was the moment that in their hearts, together they buried Sonny Corinthos. It was Alexis who took the next step. Understanding the magnitude of what she was about to do… she let go of the fear infusing her as she slid her hand through the tousled curls to the back of his head and pulled him close. They both needed comfort… they both needed to feel safe… and they both needed to feel loved.

"Alexis?"

"Shhh… no more talking."

He suddenly felt ill at ease... He wanted so much from her but was afraid to let himself reach for her. It seemed they were about to cross a line that would change everything between them. A line he wanted to cross, needed to cross. But, he was afraid they weren't ready. What if the fears they both held deep inside some day reared their ugly heads? They wouldn't be able to return to the friendship they both enjoyed so much. What if she expected more than he could give? What if she needed more than he knew how to give? What would happen to him if one day she took Kristina and walked away from him? His feelings of inferiority were quickly getting the best of him.

She watched his face fill with doubt and knew that he was beginning to question himself. She smiled. "It's okay, Ric. I want this. You want this. Tomorrow we'll figure out where we go from here."

"Are you sure, Alexis? Once we do this we can't go back to the way things were before. I can't. Please be sure that this is what you want."

"Ric, we've been tossed and turned by every conceivable problem you can think of for the past few years. Today was hard for both of us. What I did today effected both our lives. No matter how much you may deny it… I took your brother from you and we can't act like it's not a big deal. It's a very big deal. I will live with the consequences of what I've done for the rest of my life. But, at the end of the day… when I couldn't find a coherent thought outside of the grief and turmoil there was one thing that remained very clear in my head. I wanted to be with you. I needed you, Ric. And you were there. When I turned and saw you on the docks… the fear on your face over my welfare… it's been a long time since anyone looked at me like that and all I wanted was your arms around me. I need…" Alexis hesitated. She knew what she needed from him. She knew what she wanted. But to give voice to it…

Ric watched a nervous bashful look cross her face and understood that she was just as needful of being close to him in that moment as he was in need of her. Ric needed to love Alexis. She sat cross-legged in front of him and without taking his eyes from hers he reached down and took hold of her ankles and carefully pulled them apart curling them around his waist. He then wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer.

"We both need to feel loved. We both need to feel like we belong somewhere. I don't know about you, but in my heart, I belong with you. I want to make love to you, Alexis. I want us to spend the night together. I want to wake up with you in the morning and know that you don't regret anything about tonight. But, I won't push you. If this is what you want and need for right now, then so be it. I can wait for the rest. Right now, in this room, it's just you and me. There are no ghosts, no doubts regarding why I'm here or who I am or what I want. I love you, Alexis. And I want to be with you now, tomorrow and for the rest of my life."

Looking into his eyes, Alexis suddenly felt a feeling of peace flow through her body. Ric wanted her… needed her just as much as she needed him. She wrapped her arms around him and lay her cheek against his just in front of his ear.

"You snuck up on me, Ric Lansing. I don't know when it happened, but somehow you've been able to work your way into my life and my daughter's. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm just saying I don't think I mind it… at all. And I know my daughter doesn't. I'm not ready to give you the words you want to hear. Just give me some time to get it all settled in my head. Can you give me time, Ric?"

Ric tightened his arms around her. It was more than he expected, more than he could have hoped for.

"Whatever you need, Alexis. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Just tell me what you want and I'll move heaven and earth to get it for you."

She smiled against his cheek and leaned her head down to snuggle into the curve of his neck. She seductively whispered what she wanted very quietly.

"I think there's a knot in the tie of this robe. Could you untie it for me?"