Chapter 22

"Do you remember your first time?"

He was lying across the foot of the bed, his head resting in one hand while he massaged her left foot with the other. The sunlight streaming in the window highlighted her hair and cast a healthy glow upon her skin. Just lying there watching her nurse a cup of coffee, Ric couldn't remember a time in his life when he felt so content or happy. His world was balanced for the first time in his life and it was because of the woman who was absentmindedly curling her toes over his thumb.

"My first time for what?" she asked playfully with a teasing smile.

She saw the mischievous glint in his eye before raising the cup to her lips once more. The steam rising up from the dark liquid suddenly blurred her vision of his face. She gently blew it away as his hand began a slow tantalizing roam across her skin. She could get lost in his eyes easily… without trying… unexpectedly… completely. They pulled at her until she was left with nowhere else to go but deep inside the essence of him.

His voice took on a seductive sheen. "Do you remember the first time you made love?"

The hitch in her breath stilled his hand that had once again found the most sensitive part of her leg. Just behind her knee, when touched very softly, with feathered fingers… it sent her flying to another level of arousal… her reaction was quick as a shiver snaked over her body at the tantalizing exquisite feeling of being touched so intimately. He watched her eyes close against the tickle of pleasure pulsing through her and reluctantly withdrew his hand. He didn't want to arouse her. Not yet. It was time for talking and learning… and listening. At least that was what his heart and mind was telling him. His body wanted her body.

"As a matter of fact I do. That's not something a woman forgets."

Her soft voice brought him back to her. "Do all women give that much importance to their first time?"

She thought of all the women she was acquainted with and sadly shook her head. "Not all women. Some give themselves without regard to consequence or respect of self. Personally, my first time… the gentleman in question wasn't what you would call proficient in the art. But he was gentle and kind."

He leaned slightly forward pressing the flat of her foot against his chest as his interest increased dramatically. "So what made it such a big thing for you if it wasn't satisfying?"

Their voices were whisper soft as they spoke. The intimacy of the subject demanding their reverence while satisfying their curiosity about each other and what made them who they were.

"It's the first time I realized that there was more to Alexis Davis than just a girl trying to escape a rather difficult life. I'm not entirely sure what I expected, but the experience itself forced me to give more than I intended. When you're that vulnerable, that open to someone else… you have no choice but to give a piece of yourself to them. That first time… when all I really felt for him was just an eager infatuation… I gave away something that I will never be able to give or experience again. And given what we shared last night…" she ducked her head as a pink flush stole across her face.

"What?" He whispered. "What about last night?"

She shifted uncomfortably and raised the cup to her lips once more then glancing back down at him saw the curious wonder in his eyes… saw his concern and care regarding the important moments of her life. She answered as honestly as she could.

"Suddenly I miss not being able to see that look in your eyes."

"What look?" He whispered.

"The one you would have had if you had been the first."

He looked down quickly to hide the mist in his eyes and leaned down to softly kiss the ball of her foot before returning his greedy eyes back to the woman before him. Her gaze was again focused on the cup in her hand. He squeezed her foot gently to pull her eyes back to him.

"I have a secret to share with you, Alexis."

She smiled softly, expectantly and couldn't resist teasing him. "You have A secret, Ric? Isn't that a bit of an understatement?"

He chuckled softly and squeezed her foot once more before letting go and laying claim to her other foot.

"I guess we both have a lot of skeletons in the closet, don't we?" He stilled his caressing fingers and looked intently at her. "Do you think I have a chance of meeting the entire woman I know as Alexis Davis?"

"The 'entire' woman? What do you mean, Ric? I would think after last night you would have a pretty decent amount of knowledge where I'm concerned."

His face melted into one of remembrance and awe. "Last night was very enlightening in many ways. I learned the language of your body and what my loving you does to you by watching your face… looking into your eyes, watching your skin flush and your eyes widen… and the total release of yourself into my care in that final moment. But there is so much more to Alexis Davis than a woman who loves without reservation and gives of herself in the same way. And I know I may be stepping on a few lines of boundary that I'm not aware of, but I want to know everything about you, Alexis. I want to know what your favorite color is… your favorite food… what age you were when you started looking at men rather than boys… I want to know what excites you… what makes you sad… or happy… or content. I want to know what scares you or delights you. And I want a glimpse into the life of the child you once were. I want to know your most intimate thoughts… at least those you are comfortable sharing with me."

Her gaze once again fell to the steaming amber liquid within the cup she held between her palms. She felt him move and looked up to see him crawling closer to her. When he finally settled back down, his head was in her lap and she reached for him letting her fingers slide softly through his hair and then trail down his cheek. Just as she started to return her hand to the cup she still held, he caught her fingers and wrapping them snuggly within his rested them above his heart. She felt the steady beat of life and unconsciously smiled as her own heart warmed within her chest. Her eyes found his once more and saw him waiting… patiently. The smile disappeared to be replaced with the face she showed the world… one of stoic resolve. What could she tell him that wouldn't send him running from her? Her past was gothic… tragic… and so full of loss and heartache that she just found it easier to bury all the emotion surrounding her past. She could survive it and even lead a productive existence as long as it remained buried. He called softly.

"It's okay, Alexis. Your face tells me you're not ready to share that part of your life with me. And that's okay with me. Maybe someday you will be able to trust me enough to talk about it."

Her eyes quickly found his again and her fingers clasped his tighter. Leaning toward the nightstand, she set her cup of coffee down and then turned back to him reaching to run her fingers through his hair once more hoping to sooth his hurt while giving herself time to formulate as truthful an answer as she could.

"Ric, it doesn't have anything to do with trust. My inability to discuss certain things in my life is not based on what I do or do not feel in regards to you. It's just…" her words faltered and she took a deep breath before trying to finish her explanation. "My life is filled with things that have the ability to incapacitate me if I allow them to rise to the surface. I don't think about my past any more than I absolutely have to… it just hurts too much and I'm afraid if I were to give you any real insight into my Cassadine heritage… I'm afraid I would lose you before I had a chance to really know you and spend time with you."

Ric calmly sat up and moved to sit beside her. Putting his arm around her he pulled her to him while and reaching for her hand. He began to play with her fingers as he felt her tense underneath his arm and knew she was afraid of the path their conversation had led them down. He wanted desperately to comfort her and let her know it didn't matter to him where she came from. He wanted her to know that what mattered most was that she was with him now and he wanted her to stay with him. Watching their fingers slowly dance in and around each other he quieted his voice and tried to explain the place she now held in his heart.

"I told you a few minutes ago that there was a secret I wanted to share with you. Well… here it is. Last night felt like the first time for me. It was so much more than I ever expected to feel or experience. We shared something last night that I've never experienced with anyone else before and suddenly everything is brand new for me again. Something happened between us that was more than just a heart to heart connection… it was more than just a mutually remarkable experience. We stepped into each other's heart and soul and made a place for ourselves that no one will ever be able to reach. No one will be able to tamper with or destroy what we found with each other last night. I know you don't talk a lot about your past and believe me, I can understand that. From what little I have heard, it sounds rather shocking."

He turned his head to look at her when he heard her chuckle derisively.

"Shocking?" There were so many painful memories bouncing off the walls of her mind now that the full scope of his words was sadly lost. She instead caught and focused on the last sentence she heard and as sadness crept in to steal her heart she couldn't stop the words that poured forth. "No, shocking isn't the right word… When I look back and remember the little girl who grew up on an isolated Greek island… my heart weeps for her. She was just a little girl who got caught in the middle of a world of jealousy and hate. Sometimes…" Her voice cracked as a chill settled over her heart. She looked up from beneath her eyelashes and found him. The staccato beat of her heart eased as he pulled her closer. His face was full of love and sympathy rather than the pity she had grown to despise in the eyes of those who knew her past. He settled deeper into her heart and it gave her permission to talk freely with him. "Sometimes I have to remind myself that the little girl I see when I look back… that little girl is me. There are moments when I can separate myself from it all and view the whole mess as an outsider… and it breaks my heart. The children… all of them suffered unspeakably at the hands of adults who put their own selfish interests first."

His voice was soft and warm… it touched her soul and she breathed easier.

"That's why you are the way you are with Kristina."

"Yes. Having a child was the last thing I would have ever expected to happen to me. But every since the moment I found out I was pregnant… she has been the only thing that has mattered. And I made a promise to myself and to her that she would never have to suffer the indignities associated with being born a bastard. My child will never have to look far to find love or acceptance. Every day that she walks on this earth, she will know that she is loved and wanted."

Ric's eyes closed as his head tilted down slightly and found a resting place against hers; the familiarity of her words taking hold of his own insecurities and fears. Taking a deep breath he looked back up to find her. His mind lost in the past.

"Day after day, it keeps happening no matter what we do. We do the very best we can and still it's not enough. You give what you can to them regardless of how they treated you because in spite of it all there is still this little bit of hope that keeps you alive… you bury it deep inside away from them… away from their ability to steal it from you. It's what keeps us going."

She knew where his mind had taken him and together they rested in the amazement of finally being able to share their burden with someone. 'He understands me.' She thought to herself. 'No one has ever understood me the way Ric does.' Moving around to face him she sat cross-legged and smiled as he mirrored her position. Their knees touching, she reached to capture his hands.

"I'll make a deal with you."

He smiled and clutched her hands tighter. "Okay, what's the deal?"

"I'll tell you my secrets if you will tell me yours."

His face grew concerned. "Wait a minute, Alexis. You don't have to do that. I'm fine with starting our own history book with the day we met. I don't want you to hurt anymore because of your past."

"You can't stop my past from hurting me, Ric. What I lived through is fact… it's there whether I want it to be or not. Nothing is going to change that. But, the weight of it can be made easier to bear."

"How, Alexis? How do we make it easier for you?"

"By sharing. By you sharing your life with me and me sharing my life with you. We both need someone we can talk to without fear of abandonment."

"We were both abandoned in a way, weren't we?"

"Yes, Ric, we were. More than once! It's one of those similarities that I wish we didn't share. Being abandoned is more painful I think than physically losing someone you've loved through death."

"You just lost me! Can you explain what you mean by that?"

She frowned in concentration as her eyes dropped to stare intently at the cleft in his chin. When her thoughts were in place and correctly formulated she explained.

"When someone you've loved dies… their love doesn't leave us, it stays with us and comforts us when we need it… we can remember the good about them… and celebrate how their life interacted with ours… we can continue to love them and rest in the fact that that love can never be tainted. When we are abandoned by someone we have loved or trusted… the knowledge that they are still out there somewhere keeps us bound to them in fear, in hope, in need. We are haunted by the fact that they could always be just around the corner ready to hurt us again."

"How do I resolve that with the question of whether my mother actually loved me or not? I was told she loved me, but I never experienced her love. There was never a connection between us. She abandoned me without leaving a piece of herself for me to hold on to. How do I live with that?"

"The same way I live with the fact that my father ultimately abandoned me to make my way the best way I knew how. I think the one blessing I received was someone who cared enough to look out for me. Stephan took care of me the best he could and I'm prone to believe that he is the reason I'm still alive. But, that still doesn't change the fact of my father's action against me."

She watched his head drop, his chin finding a resting-place on his chest and her heart bled for him. Unfolding her legs she crawled behind him and placed her legs around him from behind and pulled him back to rest against her as she wrapped her arms around him. His head released backward to lay upon her shoulder and her lips found his cheek for a moment.

"Wasn't there anyone you could talk to, Ric? Anyone who stood up for you, cared for you, fought for you?"

She felt the shudder of his body against the intensity of his memories. His words broke her heart.

"It doesn't matter anymore, Alexis."