Chapter 24

There was a chill in the apartment, but it went unnoticed as Ric sat on the floor in front of a cold fireplace staring into its gray ashes as he thought of his brother. He wondered who would make the funeral arrangements. Who would take care of all the details that would allow his brother to be finally laid to rest? Without question, Ric knew it would be Jason. Who else would Sonny want to take care of him after he was gone? No one would consider asking his only brother to take care of him. Ric closed his eyes against the pain in his heart. His brother! His only real and last connection to the woman who gave birth to him!

The only remaining soul one who held all the stories and memories that Ric hungered for during the wee hours of the morning when the only thing left to comfort him was a mass of unrelenting questions and a chasm in his heart that only she could have filled. And now it was all gone. Gone with the one who held those answers; who would in silence take them to lie useless six feet under the feet of a man who would forever be left searching. His mother and his brother… lost to him. His chance to forgive and ask for forgiveness now only a regret that he would live with the rest of his life. His head fell to rest on arms that were folded and resting on his bent knees. His brother was gone… dead. He felt another piece of his heart tear away.

She watched him from across the room as tears continued to trickle down her face. His suffering was visible in the language of his body and when his head fell to his knees, her heart cried out for him, her feet mindlessly taking her closer until she heard his labored breathing. She looked toward the door and then returned her gaze to Ric. The war between her head and her heart was as familiar to her as the ache that she lived with daily from all the losses of family and friends that highlighted her own past. Should she go without disturbing him or should she let him know she was going in case he worried. No he wouldn't worry… not about her. Not after what she did to his brother.

Walking quietly to the door she reached for the knob. Just as she began to open it, she turned back for one last look. He was wearing jeans, but his shoulders were bare and she saw him shiver against the cold. She couldn't leave him like that; couldn't just walk out without making him as comfortable as possible. Walking quickly back into the bedroom she pulled the comforter from the bed, returned to the living room and quietly moved behind him. Her heart felt the anvil of silence between them as she leaned over to drape the comforter across his shoulders. She felt him shift slightly and realized her hands had lingered a moment too long in their quest to shield him from the cold and she quickly stepped away. Without looking back at him she turned and retraced her steps to the front door.

"Do you know what it feels like to just want to be seen… to be acknowledged for your place in life… for who you are?

His words were quiet… filled with loneliness and loss. They reached her just as her heart was once again taking on the task of building the impenetrable walls that would protect her in the coming days when she found the loss of him unbearable. She stopped, turning her head slightly, unable to look at him again… unwilling to torture her heart by allowing even the smallest hope to grow. But she loved him too much to leave him to shoulder his grief alone.

"Yes. I do know what it feels like. How could I not know? Sometimes it's like getting lost in the darkness and all you want is the ability to find a door… any door that could possibly provide an escape from the anonymity that has you buried under a mountain of invisibility."

She watched him pull the comforter closer around his shoulders, but his eyes never left the cold hearth. She knew the chill he felt. She knew that it was more than just the chill of the room. Ric was feeling the chill of loss… its cold clammy fingers were stealing into every part of his body and there was only one way to ease his suffering. But, he wouldn't want what she was so willing to offer. He wouldn't want her that close.

"Is this what it felt like when you lost your sister?"

She walked slowly back to him and sat down quietly on the couch behind him. Close enough to hopefully help him with the questions she knew would come, yet far enough away to keep her hands from reaching for him… from increasing his pain by touching him. He needed answers… answers that she was forced to search for alone when dealing with the losses of her own life. He was facing the loss of his brother just as she faced the loss of her sister not so long ago. Without her, Ric was alone in his quest for answers. If she were not available to help him find what he sought, who would he ask? It was all she could give him now. Leaning forward she clasped her hands together allowing her thighs to bear the weight of her burdened heart as she answered him.

"Yes… and no. I knew my sister loved me. There was a place in her heart for me that she cherished. Somehow that made her loss a little easier to bear. You weren't given the chance to build any kind of a relationship with your brother." The words were tearing her apart, because she knew that her actions against Sonny ended any chance Ric would ever have of reaching his brother. "Your loss is heavier, Ric. You not only grieve his death, but you're also grieving the loss of someday having the relationship you always wanted with your brother."

"Will it get better? I mean will the memory of him settle in the darkest part of me like my mother did?"

Tears trickled unheeded down her cheeks as her heart grieved for Ric, for Sonny and for what she took from them.

"That depends on you, Ric."

Her voice was comforting him as nothing else could in that moment. And yet, he was reluctant to turn and face her. He was afraid that she would misinterpret his grief. How could he tell her that he just needed a few answers before he could refocus on her… on the two of them! He didn't want to carry into their new relationship a cloud of doubt regarding his feelings surrounding the death of his brother.

"What do you mean?"

"You need to decide how you want to handle the loss. You can either allow this to consume you so much that it plants a seed of retribution or you can decide to grieve the loss and let it go to become just a sad memory. Knowing what I know now, I can tell you that you need to find someone to love that will help you accept the losses of your life, no matter what they are. Find someone who will encourage and support you so that you can continue to live a productive and happy life. And you have to find some part of Sonny that you can celebrate so that the pain he caused doesn't get so big that you get bogged down in the darkness that surrounded him."

Alexis gave him all that she could and now it would be up to him to decide what he wanted to do with his grief and his future. She stood to go.

He waited for more… but the heavy silence in the room suddenly registered with him telling him that something more was happening than just his need for answers. Ric did a quick analysis of the entire situation in his head from the moment he handed Alexis the phone receiver until the last words he heard her speak. The result he came up with was one he should have picked up on the moment he felt the comforter fall around his shoulders.

Alexis was responding to him the same way that he would have responded to her if their positions were reversed. She was backing away from him physically and emotionally and he knew exactly why. How could he reach her… how could he scale the walls of defense that were steadily mounting within her heart with every minute the clock ticked off. He took a chance. Without turning, without taking his eyes away from the hearth. He put the remainder of his heart on the line.

"It may be asking too much, but I need you to answer another question for me, Alexis."

Her shoulders sagged at the somber tone in his voice. Here it was. He was going to ask her to leave. 'I stayed too long.' She thought. 'If I had just left when I started to, I wouldn't have to hear the words. I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life with them echoing in my ears.'

"Are you going to leave too?"

The question stunned her. She didn't understand what was provoking him to ask such a question. She killed his brother. She took from him any chance of ever connecting with Sonny on a familial basis. Why would he want her to stay? She was the reason he would never again see his brother.

"Under the circumstances..."

"You mean because my brother died?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to leave, Alexis?"

'NO' her heart screamed. "I think it best,' her voice said. "I'm sure you would probably like to deal with this without my presence to further irritate the situation."

Ric knew he would need to appeal to her intellectual side because she was too busy shutting down the emotional side of her heart.

"I think it's rather presumptuous of you to try and dictate how I should act or feel or even know what I want at this particular moment."

Suddenly the doorbell chimed stirring the heaviness in the room. Ric cursed under his breath and stood slowly, letting the comforter slip from his shoulders as he started toward the door. 'What a damned inconvenient time to be interrupted.' he thought.

Alexis knew who was at the door from her conversation with Dara. Jason was bringing an envelope to Ric. It was the last request that Sonny made of Jason. It seemed almost surreal that it would take his own death for Sonny to finally reach out and claim his brother. She rose from the couch and called softly to Ric.

"It's Jason, Ric. Before Sonny died, he asked Jason to come see you."

Ric stopped instantly. "Why?"

"I don't think it's a bad thing. Not from what Dara told me regarding his last words."

"His last words were about me?"

"Yes." She turned to make her way out of the room to give him some privacy.

"Alexis?"

He watched her look back over her shoulder at him and her face wore a wealth of pain, but it was her eyes that disturbed him the most. The light was gone. Her eyes were dull and lifeless. If he didn't so desperately need to hear his brother's last words, he would ignore the intrusion. But, he did need to know. He needed to know why he was the last person his brother mentioned. He raised his hand imploringly toward her. He needed her to stay with him so he didn't have to face the last words of his brother alone.

"Would you mind staying?"

She nodded once and turned to face him. She stood stoically. Her walls in place, her heart neatly stored away, her hands folded together in front of her. He wanted so much to go to her and take away the coldness that now cocooned her. But, Jason was waiting, so Ric smiled with regret and turned to open the door.

"Jason." Ric stepped back, opening the door wider and ushered Jason in before closing the door behind him. When he turned to face Jason, a lump formed in his throat at the raw pain he saw in the man's eyes. He may have lost a brother, but Jason did as well. Ric held his hand out and waited for Jason to grasp it. It was time to put the past behind them. "I'm sorry, Jason. I know you looked on him as a brother. He told me once that in his mind you were his brother as well. You lost a brother today just as I did."

He waited knowing how hard it would be for Jason to accept his apology. He was just about to withdraw his hand when Jason finally relented and accepted his offering of peace. He spoke no words. The only acknowledgment of his words other than the brief handshake was a slight nod of his head.

"I understand that coming here is probably the last thing you wanted to deal with today, but thank you. Alexis told me that you were delivering something from Sonny."

He could see Jason's reluctance. Being in the same room with him no matter what the reason would always be unacceptable to Jason. Jason's loyalty was hard won; his respect even harder. Once it was given no one could take it away. And one handshake was not going to change the fact that Jason Morgan had no use for Ric Lansing. Stepping around Jason, Ric walked past him and moved to stand beside Alexis. He needed her close.

Alexis felt his arm creep around her and felt her heart lurch. The slight tremor in the hand that rested on her hip told her he was anxious about why Jason was suddenly in his living room having been sent there from his brother's death bed. Turning slightly toward him, she raised her arm and settled it around his waist. His fall into silence told her he was apprehensive; unsure of the reasons Sonny would choose now to reach out to his brother. She couldn't stand to see the effect it was all having on Ric. Stepping forward she addressed Jason.

"It is my understanding that Sonny sent you here to pass along something he intended for Ric. Please Jason, I'm asking you to not make this any harder than it has to be. For Ric or for yourself! I know you miss him, I know you probably blame me for what happened and that's fine. But don't make Ric pay for something he had nothing to do with."

She watched Jason carefully and saw the moment he let go of his anger toward Ric. Satisfied that the two men could now talk without any misunderstanding between them she stepped away from them and took her seat on the couch far enough away so that she didn't disturb them. Jason was the first to speak.

"I don't think I have to tell you why Sonny never welcomed you as his brother. If he couldn't trust you he wanted no part of you. And because of that he wasn't willing to give you back any part of your past. He said, if you really wanted to be a part of his life, you wouldn't have tried to destroy him and his family. He couldn't forgive that."

"I know." whispered Ric. "I don't blame him for what he thought of me. I gave him good reason."

Ignoring Ric's words, Jason continued. "There was a kid you hung around with in school. His name was Johnny. Sonny knew you and Johnny were friends back then, so when Johnny betrayed him, he figured it was just the icing on the cake to keep you two from ever connecting. We staged Johnny's death to keep you from getting anywhere close to anything that would mean as much to you as his family did to him."

"How did he know about the connection between Johnny and I?"

"Johnny told me; I told Sonny. Sonny wanted to ship Johnny off to an undisclosed location and make him suffer for his betrayal. There was something going on with Sonny that kept him from taking Johnny out the way he would have anyone else who turned on him. But it was my job to protect Sonny. And Johnny was a threat to him. Just as you were. When Johnny turned, I didn't want you two hooking up to take him down together.

Since Sonny couldn't make the right decision where you were concerned, it was left up to me to do what I could to keep Sonny safe. That meant finding a way to neutralize Johnny without getting rid of him. Johnny wanted to see his grandmother one last time, so I took him to see her. Met his grandmother. Nice lady. Very convincing. I made the decision to let Johnny stay with her as long as he stayed out of the way and made no trouble for Sonny."

Ric was stunned. Johnny was alive; living with his mother. Ric frowned as he remembered Jason's words. "His grandmother? What happened to his mother, Jason?"

"Died when he was a little kid. His grandmother took him to raise."

Thinking back on the first time he met Margaret O'Brien, Ric remembered thinking how much older she looked than what he imagined Johnny's mother would be. A rush of warmth suddenly washed over him as he thought about the woman who gave him hope so long ago. Ric's eyes found Alexis and he returned her caring smile. They were both remembering the story he told her a short time ago. His attention was brought back to Jason as an envelope was thrust toward him. Instinctively reaching for it, he looked back at Jason.

"You'll find where they are in here. There's also a report on their activities since Johnny left Sonny's employ. You'll also find a birth certificate for Johnny and some other legal documents you'll need in order to believe what I'm fixing to tell you."

Ric watched closely as Jason drew a deep labored breath before continuing.

"Johnny wasn't just a friend to you. He's your brother."

Alexis jumped up quickly to help Ric when she saw him stumble backwards. Racing to him she put her arm around his waist to support him and turned her angry eyes toward Jason.

"Are you insane? You come into his home on the day his brother is killed and you tell him he has another brother. Just how cruel are you, Jason Morgan? This could have waited for a more appropriate time. Leave the damn envelope and get the hell out of here."

"I was only doing what Sonny asked, Alexis. Sonny is… was trying to make it up to Ric for keeping him away from his brother. He wanted to clean things up for Ric. It was important to him."

"I get that, Jason. But you could have laid this particular bombshell on him tomorrow, after he had time to deal with Sonny's death."

Ric raised his hand and lay it gently on Alexis' shoulder pulling her back to him. She was doing her best to stand up for him and he loved her for it, but he needed answers now. None of which were more important than how Johnny O'Brien came to be his brother, if in fact it were true.

"Wait Alexis. It's okay. I have to know." Turning back to Jason, "Does this envelope contain absolute proof that Johnny is my brother? How he actually came to be my brother?"

"Yes. Sonny made sure the information was correct and could not be questioned. Ric, he asked me to tell you that he was sorry for keeping it from you."

Ric exploded. "HE'S SORRY! He refuses to accept me as his brother, refused to allow me to be a brother to him and all the time he knew about Johnny."

"No! He didn't know about your connection to Johnny until a few months after Johnny betrayed him. Johnny's grandmother told him about you two being brothers. Johnny knew if he came anywhere near you, Sonny would have him killed. So he called me and asked me if he could talk to Sonny. He wanted to see if there was a way that we could prove the tie between you two. Sonny refused to see him. But, Sonny didn't let it go. He figured the more information he had on you, the better off he'd be if you came after him again."

Walking away from Jason and Alexis, Ric anxiously slid his hand through his hair and grasped the back of his neck squeezing it until he felt a bit of the tension fade. He walked over to the fireplace and stared unseeing into its depth. He had a brother. The little kid who followed him around the schoolyard, who made such an impression on him when he was a kid, was actually his brother. And the woman who helped him pick a star out of the night sky one evening so long ago was actually his grandmother. He turned back to find Alexis. Still grasping the envelope in his hands his eyes spoke his need before he turned away again.

Alexis understood what he needed and turned to Jason. "If you don't mind, Jason. Ric needs some time alone. We appreciate you coming and delivering the news, but I think it's best if you go now." She ushered him to the door and quickly led him out following behind him. Closing the door so Ric could not hear her, Alexis faced Jason.

"How was he, Jason. How was Sonny before he died? You talked to him, was he…"

Jason knew what Alexis was asking of him and if they were ever going to find a way to leave each other in peace he would have to tell her the truth.

"He wanted to get things straight with Ric and Kristina. That's all he talked about. But, I think you need to know what the last couple of years was like for him where you were concerned."

"What do you mean, Jason? I was there. I know what it was like."

"No you don't, Alexis. All you saw was what he wanted you to see. He may have been talking about his brother and his daughter on the phone today before he died. But, it was you he was thinking about."

"Dara told me he didn't say anything about me. Yesterday he threatened my life. I know what Sonny thought of me, Jason."

"No, Alexis. You didn't. You stopped looking for the real Sonny years ago. You stopped seeing him. Really seeing him and it tore him up. He never let go of you. Not really! These last few years, something happened to him inside. A part of him died and it made him mean and ugly. I met with him this morning before he tried to escape. He couldn't hide what he was feeling. He was crazy. All he could focus on was a picture in his hand. I asked him about it. He couldn't look at me but he said, 'It's Alexis.' He was holding a picture of his daughter, but all he saw was you. In his eyes you betrayed him and he couldn't deal with that, but inside Sonny never gave up on having you in his life again someday."

"And I took his life away from him in order to save my daughter from her father." She was crying now. Seeing Sonny sitting in a jail cell, clutching a picture of his daughter and thinking about her. It was more than she could take. How much more would this day take from her?

"Why did he run, Jason?"

"Based on what little I got out of him, I'd say he was looking for a way to get you and Kristina to the island so you could all be together as a family."

Turning away from Jason so he couldn't see the tears, Alexis stepped away from him and leaned heavily against the wall whispering, "He died trying to hang on to a dream?"

Jason heard and stepped closer. "Yes. He died hanging on to a dream. The dream he lived with every day of his life since he walked away from you that day."

"An unrealistic dream!"

"He knew it would never happen. But it didn't keep him from hoping someday you two would patch things up."

"I gave him every chance, Jason. But after Kristina was born, I just couldn't allow his life to destroy her like it did my sister. And you know it would have eventually. I just couldn't put my daughter in that kind of danger."

"I know, Alexis. But she was his daughter too. He deserved to know about her. He deserved the chance to know that the woman he thought so much of gave him the one thing that meant the most to him. Maybe it would have made a difference if he knew about his daughter."

It was useless to argue what might have been and Alexis needed to get away from Jason. She needed to talk to Ric. Her shoulders sagged when she suddenly remembered that Ric was no longer an option for her. And now with all the information Jason just gave her, it was even more reason for Ric to turn away from her.

"I have to go!" She straightened and began to walk away.

"What about Ric?" Jason called after her.

She ignored him. She didn't have an answer. She kept on walking.

As he watched Alexis walk away, Jason frowned and glanced back at Ric's closed door. He knew he should just walk away. None of this was his business anymore. What did he care if Ric and Alexis were no longer together? And then Jason thought of his friend. Sonny would not want Alexis to grieve alone. He would not want her alone at all. Stepping up to the door, Jason knocked once again.

Ric was surprised to see Jason on the other side of his door again. He expected it to be Alexis coming back to him. He stepped forward and looked out into the hallway for her. When he didn't see her he turned back to Jason.

"Where's Alexis?"

"She left. You need to go find her."

"Why? What did you say to her?"

"Only what she needed to know."

"And that was?"

"That Sonny didn't hate her. The rest you're gonna have to hear from her. But, you better make it quick. She's shutting down and it's going to be hard to reach her."

"How do you know that?"

"I'm not quite as ignorant as some people think I am. I've known Alexis for years. I've seen her like this before. Now are you gonna stand here and jaw with me or are you going to go find her?"

Ric was worried. He could see that Jason was concerned as well. Concerned enough to maybe help if asked.

"Do you know where she might take off to?"

"Try the cemetery first."

"The cemetery?"

"Where her sister is."

Frowning Ric walked back into his apartment and pulled a leather jacket from the closet, not bothering to put a shirt on first. Returning to the door he looked at Jason once more.

"There's been a lot of bad blood between us. I hope there is a way for us to get past it someday. I want to. I owe you a lot, Jason. You always took care of my brother. Thank you. If you ever need anything, call me. I'll see what I can do to help."

Jason nodded once reaching into his pocket for his motorcycle keys. Lifting them up for Ric to see he allowed a small half smile.

"I won't be needing anything. I'm leaving. I've had enough of Port Charles for awhile. But, I promised Sonny I'd keep an eye out on Kristina, so I'll be keeping in touch. You need me, call Emily. She'll always know how to reach me."

With that, Jason turned and walked away leaving Ric to stare after him a moment before heading in the opposite direction in search of Alexis.

Twenty minutes later, Ric proved Jason's suspicion correct. He found Alexis kneeling beside her sister's grave. He approached her as quietly as he could.

"Alexis?"

She didn't raise her head to look at him. It was hard enough just to hear his voice behind her. What could he possibly want with her?

"Did you find out if it was true? About Johnny I mean? Did you read the documents?"

"No. I didn't. I couldn't."

"Why?"

"You weren't there. I can't do it without you."

"I don't understand. You are just as knowledgeable about the law as I am. It shouldn't be that difficult."

"It's not about the law, Alexis. I won't do anything without you anymore."

"But, Ric…"

"I won't attend my brother's funeral without you. I won't search for the brother I never knew about without you. And I won't lie down tonight without you by my side nor will I get up in the morning without first kissing you awake. I won't live my life without you, Alexis."

She finally looked up at him and noticed his bare chest above the zipper of his jacket.

"Aren't you cold?"

"Yes, but I'm not going home without you."

"Ric." She murmured quietly. "I can't."

"Why?"

"Look what I've done to you."

"What have you done, Alexis? What is it that you think you've done that would cause me to not want you with me? Is it because of Sonny? Are you blaming yourself because he's dead? Are you thinking it's your fault that my brother is dead now? That you've taken my brother from me?"

The lowering of her head told him that he was right in what she was doing to herself. He kneeled behind her and wrapped his arms around her bringing her close to his chest.

"I love you, Alexis. And none of this was your fault. Sonny made choices. Choices that cost him his life! We can't change that and we can't fault ourselves for the choices that he made on his own. We have our own lives to live. And I need you. I need you in my life and I need Kristina. I'm nobody without you. My brother learned that lesson too late in life. If he had learned it a little sooner maybe it would be him here with you, and I'd be out there somewhere lost and alone. But, it's life. We make mistakes, but we keep going forward. You know that, Alexis. You live it every day of your life. Let's keep moving forward… together. You and I! Please come home with me, Alexis. Please come back to me. I need you."

Gently disentangling herself from his arms, Alexis stood up and turned to face him. Looking into his eyes, she saw the evidence of his words. Ric loved her and he wasn't angry with her for the choices she had been forced to make regarding his brother. Stepping into the circle of his arms she lay her head on his shoulder.

"There was something I said a little while ago that I thought I would never be able to say to you. I don't want another minute to pass until I say it to you."

Leaning back she gazed at him. Reaching up she let her fingers play along the contours of his cheek before sliding them behind his head to pull him closer. Just before her lips met his, she whispered. "I love you, Ric Lansing."

They would not make it back to Alexis' place that evening. They would spend it together, renewing their love for each other and continuing to build the foundation that would support them the rest of their lives. In the morning, they would pick up Kristina and take her to meet her great grandmother and Uncle Johnny. Ric would finally have the family he always wanted and Alexis would find a friend and confidant in Margaret O'Brien. Ric and Alexis finally found the golden treasure at the end of the rainbow. And they found it in each other. They both reached deep inside and let go of the fears and doubts that kept them bound. They let go and found home.