Disclaimer: All of Final Fantasy 8 belongs to the demigods at Square Enix and Sony and it makes me sad.
Warnings: Seifer POV, mild angst.
Written for the fated(underscore)children community at livejournal, for the themes Isolation and Dreams.
When I think about it now, I think that during my time with her, with Ultimecia, I was truly alone. I didn't feel that way then, of course, surrounded as I was by other soldiers, by those who claimed to be my "real" friends, surrounded, in my mind, in the deepest of my very being, by her. But I see now that I was alone then, isolated, controlled by a despicable power and never truly myself.
Nothing was real to me during that time. Food, drink, sex or battle, all of it felt like a dream, sometimes even a nightmare, something I couldn't quite reach. So I gave myself up to her even more, pushing harder to attain my dreams, to feel that ultimate satisfaction. But still, everything was hidden in thick fog and I was lost in the middle of it.
The only times when I could be myself was when she would go into some kind of dormant state to restore her powers. Things would be real then, the realization of what I was doing, the pain and the grief I was causing the world, the pain of knowing what I had given up and abandoned, like a poisoned blade stabbing into me, again and again, tearing me into mere shreds of who I used to be.
The first time I felt the pain desert me, no matter how brief the moment was, was when I was defeated in Deling City, my body broken and tossed aside, of no use to her. That was when, contradictory though it might seem, I started to fight SeeD harder then before, even attacking them in their own home, hoping, secretly, that they would defeat me, knowing, somehow, that they could and would.
And they did, time and time again, besting me, defeating me, breaking me and granting me my precious rest, until finally they defeated her completely, destroying her power and breaking the spell she had over me, freeing me.
I am still free now, on the run from justice, perhaps, but free to come and go as I wish, as long as I don't get caught. Free to fight my own battles, to make my own decisions, to chase my own dreams and make them real.