A/N: Poor Jack.
Ch 6: Cats and Aliens
When Jack woke up the next morning, there was a warm weight on his chest and he knew someone was watching him. He opened his eyes, the corners of his lips already beginning to curl up in a smile, and was met with a calm, curious look from a pair of piercing blue eyes.
Unfortunately, these particular eyes sat just above a little pink nose and whiskers, just below two triangular ears, and were surrounded by quite a lot of soft black fur. Quarks was perched on his chest, his tail flicking in the air lazily, staring at him.
"Not exactly the baby blues I wanted to see," Jack informed the cat. The cat didn't look offended by the remark. Rather, satisfied that he was awake, Quarks resumed his previous position, curled up in a ball on Jack's bare chest.
"Hey, what do I look like, a cat condo?" Jack asked, sitting up and looking around, confirming that he was indeed alone in the bed now. Well, except for Quarks, of course. No Carter, no Maggie in sight. The house sounded pretty quiet too. "What happened to the blondes that were with us?" he asked the cat, surprised that Carter was up before him. She had been completely zonked all night long, not moving once.
Jack knew this because he had awoken several times during the night feeling like he was sleeping inside a fireplace. Between the dog and cat in the bed with them and Carter practically lying on top of him, plus all the alcohol in his system, he was just too hot to sleep very much. Not that he minded. Still, he was surprised Carter and Maggie had managed to get out of the bed without waking him.
Getting to his feet and dumping the cat back on the bed, Jack headed straight for the bathroom. The inside of his mouth felt absolutely disgusting. Frowning as he stared at the two toothbrushes by the sink, he couldn't remember which one he'd given to Carter the night before and which one he'd used for himself. Shrugging, he picked the one on the left and resolved not to mention it. What Carter didn't know wouldn't hurt her, right? Quarks leapt up to the counter and continued to watch him curiously. "Let's keep this between you and me, pal," Jack muttered to the cat, squeezing an excessive amount of toothpaste onto the brush.
He frowned at himself in the mirror as he scrubbed out the inside of his mouth vigorously. His head was pounding, and he looked exactly as someone who drank half a bottle of tequila the night before could be expected to look. His hair, which he never bothered much about, was sticking up at eighty-four thousand different angles, making him all too aware that he needed to get it trimmed again.
He also needed to shower and shave, but the shaving part wasn't likely to be happening anytime soon. He had a very vivid memory of borrowing one of Carter's girly razors off-world about three years ago in a 'stubble emergency.' When he had finished mangling his face with the damn pink thing, Teal'c had calmly asked if he needed to go back to the SGC for a transfusion.
For some reason, the cat seemed desperate for his attention this morning, Jack noticed as he spit in the sink and rinsed. Well, that was a bit strange. Quarks usually pretty much ignored him unless there was nobody else around. Oh. So there was probably nobody else around. Well, that kind of sucked. Jack had been looking forward to a slow-start morning, already trying to remember if Carter had any eggs in her fridge he could cook.
On the other hand, maybe he could grab a shower and start looking halfway human again before he ran into his 2IC. Maybe he could find some clean clothes to put on as well, he added as he scooped up the cat and headed to the kitchen in his boxers. He needed coffee and aspirin, and lots of both.
As he stepped into the living room he heard a loud knocking on the door. Wincing at the noise, which bounced around in his head like a Superball, he headed for the door, Quarks held against his chest with one hand. It was probably Morgan. Anytime the kid saw Jack's truck over, he was bound to come over and visit Maggie.
Jack opened the door, prepared to tell the kid his dog appeared not to be home at the moment, but it wasn't Morgan. He squinted as the bright outdoor light hurt his eyes and head, wondering exactly how late it really was, and took in the forms of Teal'c, Jonas, and worst of all, Jacob Carter.
All four men stood as if frozen. The three aliens (well, okay, Teal'c and Jacob were what... half-alien each?) on the doorstep stared at Jack and he stared back. The first thing he noticed, was, oddly, the most subtle: Teal'c. His eyebrow twitched slightly in surprise, threatening to climb higher towards his bald pate, but Teal'c schooled his features quickly.
Jonas just looked plain confused, and Jacob... well, Jacob looked like he would very much like to rip Jack apart at the moment, but since Jack was still in one piece, he figured Selmak had taken control of his (her? Jack had never really known) host's body and was probably trying to calm him down. Selmak was definitely Jack's favourite snake of all time.
Jonas was the first to speak, and he predictably only made things worse. "Teal'c, I thought we were going to Major Carter's house." If it had been Daniel, it would have been deliberate. Jack knew Jonas well enough to know by now that with him, it really wasn't.
"This is Major Carter's house, Jonas Quinn," Teal'c replied. "And I am sure O'Neill has a reasonable explanation for his unusual appearance. Perhaps if he allows us entrance, we will be able to hear it," Teal'c said, pointedly trying to get everyone past the frozen staring phase.
"Uh, right, Teal'c. That I do. Uh... come on in." He stepped aside, clutching Quarks to his bare chest like a security blanket, suddenly feeling very exposed. He suddenly really, really wished he wasn't wearing the camouflage boxer shorts Ferretti liked to give out as a joke.
Jacob still hadn't said anything, which was really unnerving. Jack wanted to get the yelling part over with so he could explain. Shutting the door as slowly as he possibly could, Jack eventually had no choice but to join the three men in the living room.
Things got, impossibly, worse after that. Last night when they had been drinking, they'd only had a lamp on, and Jack had known they'd made a mess of Carter's living room, but as Carter herself had been a bigger mess at the time, he hadn't done anything about it. And apparently, wherever Sam had escaped to with his dog this morning, she hadn't bothered to straighten up before she left either. Jack tried to take in the sight from an outsider's perspective.
He glanced at the clock and noticed it was almost noon. So, he answers his 2IC's door covered in nothing but camo boxers and Carter's cat, obviously just rolled out of bed, his hair a mess, needing a shave and a shower, probably not really smelling all that pleasant either, with an obvious hangover... then, as if he didn't look bad enough on his own, Jack took in the sight of the living room as slowly as everyone else was.
The chair was piled high with the fishing gear and Carter's sweater was draped half on top of the lot, half over the arm of the chair, having very obviously been thrown there. That was the first thing he noticed, and he knew instinctively it was the first thing Jacob had noticed also. The empty tequila bottle was lying on its side on the coffee table, the shot glasses near it, and the now mostly-empty bowl of lemon rinds teetered near the edge of the table.
Maggie must have licked the cake plates clean, and also got into the lemon rinds or something, because Jack was pretty sure that he and Carter weren't responsible for the fact that they were scattered all over the table and the floor as well. Sam's tiara was perched on an arm of the couch and the party hats were scattered randomly across the floor. The salt shaker had rolled under the coffee table, several of the throw pillows were smashed into one corner of the couch, and the blanket was draped messily over the back of the couch.
Apparently even a two-thousand year old snake in the head wasn't enough to contain the wrath of an angry father. Jacob, who had been eerily still for several minutes, suddenly lunged for Jack, swearing in Goa'uld and taking a huge swing at him that Jack only just managed to duck. Quarks, scared at the sudden lurching movement despite the fact that Jack was careful to keep him held close to his body, mewled loudly, and Jack was suddenly very glad Carter had him declawed.
"Jacob, I know this looks bad, I understand you're upset," Jack started babbling, trying to put Jonas and Teal'c between himself and Jacob. "But I promise there's a perfectly good explanation for all of this and it's not what you think, and come on, you wouldn't hit a guy holding an innocent little cat, would you? So why don't we all just calm down and..."
"I felt sorry for you last year, you asshole!" Jacob yelled, suddenly finding his voice.
"What?" Jack squeaked, not having any idea what he was talking about.
"At your party, when you were DANCING WITH MY DAUGHTER. I talked to George and had decided to just feel sorry for you guys, because he ASSURED me you would NEVER do anything like this while you were her COMMANDING OFFICER. CHRIST, Jack, it's Daniel's BIRTHDAY! How could you take advantage of the situation like that, I thought you had more respect for both of them than that but apparently all you can do is think with your..."
"HEY!" Jack yelled, squaring his shoulders and standing firm. "I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG HERE, JUST SHUT UP FOR A SECOND AND LISTEN TO ME!"
Telling Jacob to shut up was probably not the smartest thing he could have done at the moment, Jack realized as Jacob made to lunge at him again.
Teal'c apparently thought it was wise to get everyone out of that room, and fast, because he planted himself impassively between the two men and said, "O'Neill, perhaps we should go have coffee."
Teal'c didn't drink coffee, but everyone else here did, and Jack was at the point where coffee was about as important to him as oxygen at the moment, so he gratefully said, "Good idea, Teal'c!"
Jonas looked scared to death. Jack felt a little sorry for the guy, who was probably feeling really out of the loop at the moment. "Come on, Jonas, let's go see if Carter's made coffee."
"You don't know where she is?" Jonas asked, apparently trying to find anything else in the world to talk about.
"No. Just woke up. I was on a coffee and aspirin hunt when you lot showed up," Jack said as he led the way into the kitchen.
The coffee pot was completely full, Jack noticed gratefully. And there was a post-it stuck to it. He hurried over to it, snatching it off the pot as he dumped the cat on the counter absently. He read it to himself: -Sir, Mags and I went out for a run. Back soon, Carter.
"Well, where the hell is my daughter?" Jacob asked impatiently. Jonas was opening all the cabinets. Jack knew he was looking for coffee mugs. When it came to food, the boy had a one-track mind.
"She took Maggie for a run," Jack said, shaking his head incredulously as he opened the proper cabinet and grabbed a few mugs. The woman had been so drunk the night before, how was she up before him today and perky enough to be out running? He knew she hadn't eaten anything either, because if she had she would've accompanied it with coffee, and the pot was still completely full when he poured himself the first cup.
Jonas was right beside him, waiting for the coffee when Jack was done with it. Jack leaned back against the counter, still keeping one eye on Jacob in case he decided to attack again. Jack noticed that Teal'c was doing the same thing.
"General Carter, would you like some coffee?" Jonas offered, holding up the pot.
"No thanks, Jonas. Selmak doesn't like it," Jacob said. He shook his head abruptly and said, "Screw that. I'm having coffee." Jonas obediently poured the man a cup.
Everyone stood, watching everyone else warily, for several moments.
"What's wrong with Major Carter's cat?" Jonas asked. The cat was mewling like crazy, pacing the counter behind Jack and rubbing against his back. Jack, suspecting what the cat wanted, had been trying to ignore him.
Jack rolled his eyes. If the cat had been in bed with him, he hadn't eaten... hoping his stomach was strong enough to handle it, he muttered, "He's hungry," and reluctantly grabbed a can of cat food. Quarks watched the electric can opener work on his breakfast eagerly. Jack pinched his nose with one hand and dumped the can out in Quarks's bowl as quickly as possible. He tossed the can in the bin and moved away from the counter, hoping to get away from the smell.
He ended up next to Jonas, who still wasn't drinking his coffee, and he was scanning the room quickly. Jack remembered how much sugar the boy put in it and quickly located it for him. "Thanks, Colonel O'Neill."
"Spoons over there," Jack added casually, nodding at the silverware drawer.
Apparently, 'spoons over there' was not what Jacob Carter wanted to hear. He punched Jack right in the face, catching everyone in the room off-guard. Jack screamed, "HOLY SHIT, JACOB!" and grabbed his jaw automatically in the split second before he slipped and fell to the floor, wacking his head on what felt like the corner of the counter on the way down.
Everyone started yelling at once. Jack, supremely pissed off at how horribly wrong the whole day was going, was swearing up a storm, yelling at Jacob and moaning about his face, lying on his back on the very cold tile. Quarks leapt off the counter, landing none too lightly on Jack's stomach, and started hissing at Jacob.
"Didn't know you cared, pal," Jack mumbled to the cat amidst all the yelling.
Teal'c had a restraining hand on Jacob's shoulder, although it didn't seem necessary any more. Jacob AND Selmak were taking turns yelling at each other, which was a sight to see in and of itself, and Teal'c and Jonas were yelling at everyone to calm down and demanding that Jack tell them if he was okay.
Jack's head was really, truly about to explode, he was positive. Carter would have to move, because she'd never be able to clean up all the little pieces of brain matter that were about to splatter all over her kitchen. The yelling made his hangover worse, as did the bright lights of the kitchen. The whole back of his body was freezing from the cold tile, there was an angry cat on his chest, he was pretty sure his temple was bleeding, and his jaw felt like it had come unhinged. And everyone was still yelling.
Suddenly, a familiar voice broke through the cacophony of noises assaulting him, as Carter loudly yelled, "EVERYONE SHUT UP AND SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!"